Husband runs out to fix daughters car .
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Remember, you still have the option of a protective order. I'm less familiar with the law in Canada, but I suspect you could get one that would require her to leave. Your husband wouldn't have to agree--you could do it based upon her physical and verbal abuse of you. Since we are talking about the power of knowledge, here's the number of the DV Hotline for Canada: 1.866.863.0511. You can call them or your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate about what's involved in obtaining one. Never hurts to have the information available.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bluehawaii.....just to be clear....I am not talking about you putting her out...I (for one) am talking about you choosing to leave the abuse and neglect.
Getting a legal separation.....which is not the same as a divorce and is for no particular time limit. It does not deny you what you are entitled to, either....
That is much easier to do than to kick someone out....less drama, also....
You must remember (over and over) that her mind is addled....you cannot even expect her to be mature and consistent and reasonable....she is controlled by her addictions and her add......jher brain is like a ch emical tosic waste, right now....as well as she has learned some really horrible coping mechanisms that are also abusive.....
You have to be the one to take the reins and do the right thing......never mind her reactions....
And stop....stop....trying to figure her out. You never will, if you try for a hundred years!
She needs to get sober and to get treatment for her other issues....and, you can't do it.....it takes others outside of the family to do that.....
She, for sure, won't do it while y ou are still around.....
Yes, we get it...she is insufferable to live with.....
That is not going to change....
dandylion
Getting a legal separation.....which is not the same as a divorce and is for no particular time limit. It does not deny you what you are entitled to, either....
That is much easier to do than to kick someone out....less drama, also....
You must remember (over and over) that her mind is addled....you cannot even expect her to be mature and consistent and reasonable....she is controlled by her addictions and her add......jher brain is like a ch emical tosic waste, right now....as well as she has learned some really horrible coping mechanisms that are also abusive.....
You have to be the one to take the reins and do the right thing......never mind her reactions....
And stop....stop....trying to figure her out. You never will, if you try for a hundred years!
She needs to get sober and to get treatment for her other issues....and, you can't do it.....it takes others outside of the family to do that.....
She, for sure, won't do it while y ou are still around.....
Yes, we get it...she is insufferable to live with.....
That is not going to change....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Yes and that's the age her addictions began..they say they are as mature as when they started using.
We have...blamed each other ...almost divorced twice...therapy for years..on how to unite and not be manipulated.
Even when she was on her own for two years she was at her bottom so she says lost 100 pounds ... Gained back 30 now since been home and at a good weight...still abusive ...loving...abusive..marry go round..
We had counsellors that were baffled from day one on how to treat her.... And her work people and the family adore her ..they can't say enough kind things about her...
Nobody would believe she is capable of such things and of course would then be our fault...and yet we raised another wonderful intelligent kind giving thoughtful respectful daughter who has a full rich life.
We all make choices ...we all don't resort to this.
We have...blamed each other ...almost divorced twice...therapy for years..on how to unite and not be manipulated.
Even when she was on her own for two years she was at her bottom so she says lost 100 pounds ... Gained back 30 now since been home and at a good weight...still abusive ...loving...abusive..marry go round..
We had counsellors that were baffled from day one on how to treat her.... And her work people and the family adore her ..they can't say enough kind things about her...
Nobody would believe she is capable of such things and of course would then be our fault...and yet we raised another wonderful intelligent kind giving thoughtful respectful daughter who has a full rich life.
We all make choices ...we all don't resort to this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Blue......you are welcome.......but.....just for the record.....it was LexieCat who gave the number!
I strongly advise to hanging on to that number. that can be your very best source for finding all the help and various resources that you are going to need.
They will always be there to understand, beyond words, and to help you......
dandylion
I strongly advise to hanging on to that number. that can be your very best source for finding all the help and various resources that you are going to need.
They will always be there to understand, beyond words, and to help you......
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Bluehawaii 
And her work people and the family adore her ..they can't say enough kind things about her...
Nobody would believe she is capable of such things and of course would then be our fault...
Nobody would believe she is capable of such things and of course would then be our fault...
I get this in a minor way from my adult daughter (just grumpiness) and have to pull her up now and then, at which time she effortlessly morphs into a pleasant person. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person she does this to.
Please forget the fault part..drugs can delay maturity by many years.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Is there any chance of me being able to get them both out of the house?
iam in a fairly new business and just can't add anymore stress.
I need my home.
Any suggestions? I really don't want it to be ugly.
iam in a fairly new business and just can't add anymore stress.
I need my home.
Any suggestions? I really don't want it to be ugly.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
do you need your AH to leave? You were saying before that once AD is gone things are better between you. It might be the best plan to get AD out, then see how things go with AH.
If you really want to be alone, it might be more practical to leave yourself, but that won't help AD gain her independence.
If you really want to be alone, it might be more practical to leave yourself, but that won't help AD gain her independence.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm with FG, if you don't want to live with either of them, get your own place. You have grounds for insisting your daughter leave; your husband is a different story--no violence, so you'd probably have to file for divorce/separation and get an order giving you temporary possession of the house (which might be tricky unless you've got a good argument why you, rather than he, should leave). Plus filing for that would cost money that you could otherwise put toward your own house or apartment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Thanks again and FG its true but I'm not sure at this point if I can go back to just living together ever again. this time being sick has kept me focussed long enough to realize what a lonely life this has been.
I spent some time yesterday talking to a friend (acquaintance)who just woke up and had a strong feeling from God she had to reach out to me.
Crazy I know! I balled and we talked for hours!
she asked why I should leave and I thought that's it ...I don't want to leave my home but I'm way to hurt this time to have them here with me.
I want my house.
I asked my husband to go check out appt for ad I found because I'm still in bed sick with the flu...taking forever with all the stress not helping I'm sure.
I know we shouldn't be getting her a place but this I can live with. It worked before.
I can't just change the locks and she is adamant she's not going anywhere.
Will see if he actually goes and sees it and gets it.
That would be a first ever if he follows through.
I spent some time yesterday talking to a friend (acquaintance)who just woke up and had a strong feeling from God she had to reach out to me.
Crazy I know! I balled and we talked for hours!
she asked why I should leave and I thought that's it ...I don't want to leave my home but I'm way to hurt this time to have them here with me.
I want my house.
I asked my husband to go check out appt for ad I found because I'm still in bed sick with the flu...taking forever with all the stress not helping I'm sure.
I know we shouldn't be getting her a place but this I can live with. It worked before.
I can't just change the locks and she is adamant she's not going anywhere.
Will see if he actually goes and sees it and gets it.
That would be a first ever if he follows through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Bluehawaii
I know we shouldn't be getting her a place but this I can live with. It worked before.
I can't just change the locks and she is adamant she's not going anywhere.
I can't just change the locks and she is adamant she's not going anywhere.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why not just throw her little punk @ss OUT and let HER figure it out from there? my mom gave me the boot, at 19 and i did just fine, no job, no place to go.
on the one hand you say her behavior is unacceptable, but on the other you still coddle her and try to pave the way FOR her. by trying to make it easier for her, you are complicating the issue and further enabling her with the belief that mommy and daddy will take care of everything for the princess, especially the more she pouts. you are REWARDING her by finding an apartment FOR her and then probably paying for it. all she has to do is be as awful as possible............
on the one hand you say her behavior is unacceptable, but on the other you still coddle her and try to pave the way FOR her. by trying to make it easier for her, you are complicating the issue and further enabling her with the belief that mommy and daddy will take care of everything for the princess, especially the more she pouts. you are REWARDING her by finding an apartment FOR her and then probably paying for it. all she has to do is be as awful as possible............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
We will not pay for her apartment just put the deposit on it...
It's winter and freezing out ...one
Two if I throw her out lock doors change locks
My hubby would just probably let her in with her pouting and crying
On front steps ...
It's easy to say do this do that but I have been here before 2 years ago and did throw her out she cried and cried till he let her in.
It's winter and freezing out ...one
Two if I throw her out lock doors change locks
My hubby would just probably let her in with her pouting and crying
On front steps ...
It's easy to say do this do that but I have been here before 2 years ago and did throw her out she cried and cried till he let her in.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Well Blue, sounds like you're (hopefully) getting your daughter out.
First things first.
I think next step would be to check with lawyer again and see if
you can file for divorce and keep possession of the house if that's what you want.
It seems like everything is coming down at once on you and that must
feel really difficult.
When we stuff our emotions for years, sometimes they just explode outwards, don't they?
Hoping things go well with step one--getting addict daughter out.
Please let us know how we can support you with that and planning step 2
First things first.
I think next step would be to check with lawyer again and see if
you can file for divorce and keep possession of the house if that's what you want.
It seems like everything is coming down at once on you and that must
feel really difficult.
When we stuff our emotions for years, sometimes they just explode outwards, don't they?
Hoping things go well with step one--getting addict daughter out.
Please let us know how we can support you with that and planning step 2
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bluehawaii.....I fear that you are tr ying to "bargain" your way out of a very complicated and dysfunctional family situation......and want to avoid pain---even though, by your description, you have been living in pain for years....
Your posts describe emotional stonewalling by your husband and abuse from your daughter.
Please go back and read the posts that I have made to you.....
I fear that you will not get the help that you need...and, that you won't even take an opportunity for some time and space to stabilize your health and emotional state....
There is no easy way to accomplish this and still please your husband and daughter.
There is more to li fe than just tolerating misery....we were meant to thrive---not just exist.
You have been given many suggestions for your "to do" list to get yourself some space and jump started.
Your daughter and husband have a collusion together that they are, apparently, happy with.
The least drama and least complication would be for you to get your own apartment....with a legal separation......and begin your own therapy and support.
(As per LexieCat's suggestion, also).
Yes, you daughter needs h elp for her dual diagnosis and alcoholism....
She will never get it as long as she is living with you....or being enabled by you....
As long as you remain at the center of the circle....nothing will ever change....
I am concerned that you get the help that you need.....
dandylion
****If you get your own apartment....you don't have to put her out!!!!
And, you don't have to fight with your husband.
Do you not se the simplicity of this...the logic?
Your posts describe emotional stonewalling by your husband and abuse from your daughter.
Please go back and read the posts that I have made to you.....
I fear that you will not get the help that you need...and, that you won't even take an opportunity for some time and space to stabilize your health and emotional state....
There is no easy way to accomplish this and still please your husband and daughter.
There is more to li fe than just tolerating misery....we were meant to thrive---not just exist.
You have been given many suggestions for your "to do" list to get yourself some space and jump started.
Your daughter and husband have a collusion together that they are, apparently, happy with.
The least drama and least complication would be for you to get your own apartment....with a legal separation......and begin your own therapy and support.
(As per LexieCat's suggestion, also).
Yes, you daughter needs h elp for her dual diagnosis and alcoholism....
She will never get it as long as she is living with you....or being enabled by you....
As long as you remain at the center of the circle....nothing will ever change....
I am concerned that you get the help that you need.....
dandylion
****If you get your own apartment....you don't have to put her out!!!!
And, you don't have to fight with your husband.
Do you not se the simplicity of this...the logic?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Bluehawaii......you don't get it. It is your house and you can leave any time you want.....because YOU CHOOSE to.
Your power is deomonstrated in the fact that you CHOOSE your action. YOU are making the boundary for yourself.....th at y ou will not live in the misery of that household, any longer.
You own half of the house...and you are not giving up ownership in a legal separation. You will still have your op art of the house...no matter what y ou do.
If you get your own apartment...at least for a while....believe me...she will not get any j oy from that....but, she cant emotionally pistol-whip you any longer...and she will have to start taking some personal responsibility.
dandylion
Your power is deomonstrated in the fact that you CHOOSE your action. YOU are making the boundary for yourself.....th at y ou will not live in the misery of that household, any longer.
You own half of the house...and you are not giving up ownership in a legal separation. You will still have your op art of the house...no matter what y ou do.
If you get your own apartment...at least for a while....believe me...she will not get any j oy from that....but, she cant emotionally pistol-whip you any longer...and she will have to start taking some personal responsibility.
dandylion
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