Sober and a jerk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Sober and a jerk
First, thanks for everyone here. The posts are my sanity.
RAH is now close to 90 days... Has been making daily meetings. Feel like things should be better. But basically he's still an a hole. Very much a roller coaster of moods (to be expected). But his continued criticism of me, crankiness and unpredictability make me anxious and agitated!! Hellloooo anger. My brain keeps saying leave, leave, leave, but I feel almost obliged to see if recovery sticks, especially for the sake of toddler DS. Alanon is tricky bc I'm watching the kiddo every night.
Occasionally there are good times. They come out of the blue it seems. Ack. Book recommendations?? Therapy has helped with boundaries but not these feelings.
RAH is now close to 90 days... Has been making daily meetings. Feel like things should be better. But basically he's still an a hole. Very much a roller coaster of moods (to be expected). But his continued criticism of me, crankiness and unpredictability make me anxious and agitated!! Hellloooo anger. My brain keeps saying leave, leave, leave, but I feel almost obliged to see if recovery sticks, especially for the sake of toddler DS. Alanon is tricky bc I'm watching the kiddo every night.
Occasionally there are good times. They come out of the blue it seems. Ack. Book recommendations?? Therapy has helped with boundaries but not these feelings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Sometimes sobriety reveals that people, even when sober, are not very nice. That said, it's early and more will be revealed. Regarding Alanon, if your baby is not too fussy bring her with you-- if she get's loud just excuse yourself from the room until she quiets-- often you'll make the whole meeting with no issues-- standard rules of simple human decency apply. Unless her presence makes it so somebody else can't have the meeting they need, I don't see why you can't take her. I've seen babies in many meetings-- most of the time it hasn't been an issue.
I've had way more issues with adults and their stinky, loud food/eating than I've ever had with a baby.
I've had way more issues with adults and their stinky, loud food/eating than I've ever had with a baby.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
90 days is still early on--I think it takes a year or two of continuous sobriety to get a real sense of who someone will be, sober. I know that doesn't help with your feelings.
Tools like detachment and boundaries are every bit as necessary when the alcoholic is sober. His problems/issues don't have to be yours. You can let him own his while you own yours.
I second Cyranoak's suggestion--bring the little guy with you if there are no meetings with childcare, being appropriately considerate of the other members. Maybe try to share early in the meeting in case you have to leave early. It will still help to have those connections. You can get phone numbers to connect with people outside of the meetings, too.
Hang in there--I remember what it was like living with someone after a year of sobriety (first husband was sober a year when we got married)--he could still be touchy and he's a worrier by nature, and all of that ramped up when we moved across the country at about the 1.5 year point. He distinctly recalls me telling him, "Go call Joe (his sponsor) and tell him not to bring you back till you're FIXED." He laughs about it now. He's still sober and will celebrate 36 years in a couple of weeks.
Tools like detachment and boundaries are every bit as necessary when the alcoholic is sober. His problems/issues don't have to be yours. You can let him own his while you own yours.
I second Cyranoak's suggestion--bring the little guy with you if there are no meetings with childcare, being appropriately considerate of the other members. Maybe try to share early in the meeting in case you have to leave early. It will still help to have those connections. You can get phone numbers to connect with people outside of the meetings, too.
Hang in there--I remember what it was like living with someone after a year of sobriety (first husband was sober a year when we got married)--he could still be touchy and he's a worrier by nature, and all of that ramped up when we moved across the country at about the 1.5 year point. He distinctly recalls me telling him, "Go call Joe (his sponsor) and tell him not to bring you back till you're FIXED." He laughs about it now. He's still sober and will celebrate 36 years in a couple of weeks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
IMHO, you're under no obligation to him just because he's sober. If being around him drives you crazy, you have a right to do what's best for you. My recollection is that you were on your way out the door when he decided to get sober. You've been through so much with him over the years--you're allowed to be done or to need a break whenever you need one.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by jjj111 
IMHO, you're under no obligation to him just because he's sober. If being around him drives you crazy, you have a right to do what's best for you. My recollection is that you were on your way out the door when he decided to get sober. You've been through so much with him over the years--you're allowed to be done or to need a break whenever you need one.
If he wants sobriety for its own sake, he'll stay sober. Believe me, co-parenting with an ex who is sober is a whole gift unto itself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
good for you on getting out to do your own stuff. you need not to be available to be his target. and don't IGNORE that voice in your head....your baby doesn't need the drama and stress swirling around. or to hear mom being verbally abused all the time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 316
I just finished reading Codependent No More, the original book published in the '80s. I bet you could order it online from Amazon or find it in the library. It helps me not to have a knee-jerk reflex to respond or say something in response to DH's withdrawal crankies. I'm not taking his emotional temperature every hour like he's an invalid recovering from pneumonia. You might like it.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Hi HH,
AH is a year sober and becoming more of a jerk as more time goes by. I am in process of determining how we can separate. (we have been married 20+ years)
I have come to the realization that he is not the person that I married, that person never existed.
The drunk him played a game so he had a house and a car and a family. The sober him thinks he can have all that on his own, so he can be the real him....which is a jerk.
So, you may be able to give him more time but always understand that this may be the way he is.
blue
AH is a year sober and becoming more of a jerk as more time goes by. I am in process of determining how we can separate. (we have been married 20+ years)
I have come to the realization that he is not the person that I married, that person never existed.
The drunk him played a game so he had a house and a car and a family. The sober him thinks he can have all that on his own, so he can be the real him....which is a jerk.
So, you may be able to give him more time but always understand that this may be the way he is.
blue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Thanks all. Made it to my first CR meeting and felt weight lifted off my shoulders. Can't wait to go back Monday. Codependent No More is on my bookshelf. Guess I should read it all the way through :-p
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