Feeling confused - please help me understand?!
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Feeling confused - please help me understand?!
My husband has been sober for a couple of months, and things have been going really really well. We've been happy.
About a week ago, we were lying in bed and he apologised for what he'd put us through while he was drinking. He said a lot of lovely things, and then he asked me what it was like for me. I was honest with him. I said it was torture, that I didn't know what to do, that I felt like we were bottom of the list of his priorities, that when I threatened to throw him out it was genuine because I had reached my limit. He apologised for everything. Then I said that one night when he was doing something stupid, I wanted him to fall and hurt himself so that he might get a wake up call. He seemed surprised at this but didn't say anything. We fell asleep in each other's arms.
Yesterday morning he woke up grumpy. I told him to sort himself out as I didn't want Christmas day to be affected by his mood. He didn't take too well to that and became even more grumpy and argumentative. I later heard him say to his sister (they speak a different language together) that he was in jail. I asked what that was about and he laughed and said I wouldn't understand because of the language difference. His behaviour for most of the day reminded me of his behaviour while he was drinking, although he didn't drink and turned down my (alcoholic) stepdad's invitation to the pub while we were visiting. I tried to keep a lid on it because I didn't want to spoil Christmas for our children. We went to bed last night without sorting it out, as he fell asleep early. This morning he also woke up grumpy. Today I took the bait and picked a fight with him over it. After getting nowhere I took the children out and had a nice day with my sister and her family. When we got home this evening he said he had been thinking and he had decided that he should leave. He said he couldn't believe that I would want to hurt him (referring to what I had told him about wanting him to fall and have a wake up call) and that this meant I didn't love him "unconditionally". He also said he couldn't be himself and he would never be able to meet my standards. All of this meant that he should leave so that I can be happy.
I'm confused as seemingly these past 3 months have been pretty blissful. He has told me on more than one occasion that he is happy he's quit drinking, that he's more productive and more patient with the kids. We've been getting on really well and life has been good. This has come completely out the blue. If this is some kind of typical alcoholic behaviour please help me understand!
About a week ago, we were lying in bed and he apologised for what he'd put us through while he was drinking. He said a lot of lovely things, and then he asked me what it was like for me. I was honest with him. I said it was torture, that I didn't know what to do, that I felt like we were bottom of the list of his priorities, that when I threatened to throw him out it was genuine because I had reached my limit. He apologised for everything. Then I said that one night when he was doing something stupid, I wanted him to fall and hurt himself so that he might get a wake up call. He seemed surprised at this but didn't say anything. We fell asleep in each other's arms.
Yesterday morning he woke up grumpy. I told him to sort himself out as I didn't want Christmas day to be affected by his mood. He didn't take too well to that and became even more grumpy and argumentative. I later heard him say to his sister (they speak a different language together) that he was in jail. I asked what that was about and he laughed and said I wouldn't understand because of the language difference. His behaviour for most of the day reminded me of his behaviour while he was drinking, although he didn't drink and turned down my (alcoholic) stepdad's invitation to the pub while we were visiting. I tried to keep a lid on it because I didn't want to spoil Christmas for our children. We went to bed last night without sorting it out, as he fell asleep early. This morning he also woke up grumpy. Today I took the bait and picked a fight with him over it. After getting nowhere I took the children out and had a nice day with my sister and her family. When we got home this evening he said he had been thinking and he had decided that he should leave. He said he couldn't believe that I would want to hurt him (referring to what I had told him about wanting him to fall and have a wake up call) and that this meant I didn't love him "unconditionally". He also said he couldn't be himself and he would never be able to meet my standards. All of this meant that he should leave so that I can be happy.
I'm confused as seemingly these past 3 months have been pretty blissful. He has told me on more than one occasion that he is happy he's quit drinking, that he's more productive and more patient with the kids. We've been getting on really well and life has been good. This has come completely out the blue. If this is some kind of typical alcoholic behaviour please help me understand!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well, I've often heard, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
Did you apologize to him for your words? It was pretty hurtful, I'd imagine. I don't think it is kind to beat someone over the head with past behaviors when they are trying to make amends. That stuff you threw at him would have been better to have been shared with an AlAnon member, a clergy, or your therapist, in my opinion.
Did you apologize to him for your words? It was pretty hurtful, I'd imagine. I don't think it is kind to beat someone over the head with past behaviors when they are trying to make amends. That stuff you threw at him would have been better to have been shared with an AlAnon member, a clergy, or your therapist, in my opinion.
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Maybe he's looking for an out to start drinking again?
Who knows--but what is said cannot now be unsaid.
I have found addicts (myself included) don't really like to face how
much serious hurt we have caused others.
He asked, but when faced with the depth of your anger and hurt,
he may have been shocked.
Who knows--but what is said cannot now be unsaid.
I have found addicts (myself included) don't really like to face how
much serious hurt we have caused others.
He asked, but when faced with the depth of your anger and hurt,
he may have been shocked.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Maybe he's looking for an out to start drinking again?
Who knows--but what is said cannot now be unsaid.
I have found addicts (myself included) don't really like to face how
much serious hurt we have caused others.
He asked, but when faced with the depth of your anger and hurt,
he may have been shocked.
Who knows--but what is said cannot now be unsaid.
I have found addicts (myself included) don't really like to face how
much serious hurt we have caused others.
He asked, but when faced with the depth of your anger and hurt,
he may have been shocked.
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Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
I think you're right about this. But how the hell am I supposed to mind read, so when he asks, what was it like for you, I know to respond in a way that won't upset him?! This is the problem with addiction, it's never really over is it?!
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I think you have to take some responsibility here. Do you always give voice to every destructive thought you have about others? In this case it appears you wanted to hurt him. Continuing the tit-for-tat, no matter how seductive it may be, is not going to lead to healing for the relationship.
Can you not see that wishing someone else harm is an unhealthy attitude for you?
Can you not see that wishing someone else harm is an unhealthy attitude for you?
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I don't have any outside support, no. I haven't managed to get to any Alanon meetings since the 2 I attended during the summer - I work evenings so it's not really possible. Therapy is not an affordable option for me. I haven't told friends/family as I doubt they would understand. Actually that's not completely true, in a moment of desperation, I told my mum. However she is also married to an alcoholic and is in complete denial about many things. We had a very superficial chat about it (she asked me if I was nagging him too much!) and after that I stopped mentioning it to her and she's brushed it under the carpet.
I don't know what I should do now - should I apologise for my words as biminiblue said? Even if I do, he will probably say the apology doesn't matter as he now knows how I truly felt about him. He's wrong about this anyway - I loved him and had reached my limit, that's all. I didn't stop loving him.
I don't know what I should do now - should I apologise for my words as biminiblue said? Even if I do, he will probably say the apology doesn't matter as he now knows how I truly felt about him. He's wrong about this anyway - I loved him and had reached my limit, that's all. I didn't stop loving him.
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Nyinabo,
I'm an RA, I never went to aa. Still I thought the ninth step was to make amends, but then also to listen carefully to how your actions affected another person.
I really don't think that you being truthful should have led to this.
To me, that sounded like the same old, same old stuff. I apologized, and you should just get over it, kinda thing to me. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
To me, it sounded like he was having a pity party.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I'm an RA, I never went to aa. Still I thought the ninth step was to make amends, but then also to listen carefully to how your actions affected another person.
I really don't think that you being truthful should have led to this.
To me, that sounded like the same old, same old stuff. I apologized, and you should just get over it, kinda thing to me. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
To me, it sounded like he was having a pity party.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think you have to take some responsibility here. Do you always give voice to every destructive thought you have about others? In this case it appears you wanted to hurt him. Continuing the tit-for-tat, no matter how seductive it may be, is not going to lead to healing for the relationship.
Can you not see that wishing someone else harm is an unhealthy attitude for you?
Can you not see that wishing someone else harm is an unhealthy attitude for you?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It's understandable that you have a lot of anger and resentment built up. I was the same way. And yes, I used to wish my ex would get hurt or arrested or just not come home when he was drinking.
Part of letting go of those resentments for me was to work my own recovery (I am in Alanon, but there are many other options if you find that's not for you) and to examine why I stayed in such an awful relationship for so long. Yes he is an alcoholic, but that doesn't make him totally, solely responsible for every bad thing that happened during our relationship. I played a part simply by staying where I was, accepting unacceptable behavior and making empty threats that I had no intention of carrying out, all in a doomed effort to get HIM to change so that I could be happy.
There are two sides here. Neither of you is completely right or completely wrong, but you might need to dial back your expectations of how much his sobriety is going to "fix" your lives and your relationship.
ETA- I just read your post about your schedule. I also work evenings. I fortunately found a daytime meeting that is my home group, and I also attend a Saturday night meeting pretty regularly as well. There are also options for phone and electronic meetings (conducted via email) if you go to the Alanon website.
Part of letting go of those resentments for me was to work my own recovery (I am in Alanon, but there are many other options if you find that's not for you) and to examine why I stayed in such an awful relationship for so long. Yes he is an alcoholic, but that doesn't make him totally, solely responsible for every bad thing that happened during our relationship. I played a part simply by staying where I was, accepting unacceptable behavior and making empty threats that I had no intention of carrying out, all in a doomed effort to get HIM to change so that I could be happy.
There are two sides here. Neither of you is completely right or completely wrong, but you might need to dial back your expectations of how much his sobriety is going to "fix" your lives and your relationship.
ETA- I just read your post about your schedule. I also work evenings. I fortunately found a daytime meeting that is my home group, and I also attend a Saturday night meeting pretty regularly as well. There are also options for phone and electronic meetings (conducted via email) if you go to the Alanon website.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by Nyinabo
This is true, I did want to hurt him. How can anyone go through years of hurt and loneliness and not want to hurt the person who inflicted that on you? I recognise that this is unhealthy but don't know how else to deal with it. And I only said it because he asked. At no other time did I tell him how hard it was for me.
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Originally Posted by amy55
Nyinabo,
I'm an RA, I never went to aa. Still I thought the ninth step was to make amends, but then also to listen carefully to how your actions affected another person.
I really don't think that you being truthful should have led to this.
To me, that sounded like the same old, same old stuff. I apologized, and you should just get over it, kinda thing to me. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
To me, it sounded like he was having a pity party.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I'm an RA, I never went to aa. Still I thought the ninth step was to make amends, but then also to listen carefully to how your actions affected another person.
I really don't think that you being truthful should have led to this.
To me, that sounded like the same old, same old stuff. I apologized, and you should just get over it, kinda thing to me. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
To me, it sounded like he was having a pity party.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
So, now I don't know what to do. He has taken the kids to his sister's for the night as he wanted some space. Maybe he was just looking for a reason to drink.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
It's understandable that you have a lot of anger and resentment built up. I was the same way. And yes, I used to wish my ex would get hurt or arrested or just not come home when he was drinking.
Part of letting go of those resentments for me was to work my own recovery (I am in Alanon, but there are many other options if you find that's not for you) and to examine why I stayed in such an awful relationship for so long. Yes he is an alcoholic, but that doesn't make him totally, solely responsible for every bad thing that happened during our relationship. I played a part simply by staying where I was, accepting unacceptable behavior and making empty threats that I had no intention of carrying out, all in a doomed effort to get HIM to change so that I could be happy.
There are two sides here. Neither of you is completely right or completely wrong, but you might need to dial back your expectations of how much his sobriety is going to "fix" your lives and your relationship.
ETA- I just read your post about your schedule. I also work evenings. I found a daytime meeting that is my home group, and I also attend a Saturday night meeting pretty regularly as well. There are also options for phone and electronic meetings (conducted via email) if you go to the Alanon website.
Part of letting go of those resentments for me was to work my own recovery (I am in Alanon, but there are many other options if you find that's not for you) and to examine why I stayed in such an awful relationship for so long. Yes he is an alcoholic, but that doesn't make him totally, solely responsible for every bad thing that happened during our relationship. I played a part simply by staying where I was, accepting unacceptable behavior and making empty threats that I had no intention of carrying out, all in a doomed effort to get HIM to change so that I could be happy.
There are two sides here. Neither of you is completely right or completely wrong, but you might need to dial back your expectations of how much his sobriety is going to "fix" your lives and your relationship.
ETA- I just read your post about your schedule. I also work evenings. I found a daytime meeting that is my home group, and I also attend a Saturday night meeting pretty regularly as well. There are also options for phone and electronic meetings (conducted via email) if you go to the Alanon website.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sometimes I think there is a big difference in whether you stay in the marriage or not. I think if you plan to stay in the marriage, all of these things should be discussed. I didn't stay in my marriage.
I was able to forgive him without any of this stuff, (but not forget), but I think if you are trying to make a marriage work that you shouldn't feel like a doormat anymore, and you should be allowed to say how you felt.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I was able to forgive him without any of this stuff, (but not forget), but I think if you are trying to make a marriage work that you shouldn't feel like a doormat anymore, and you should be allowed to say how you felt.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55
Sometimes I think there is a big difference in whether you stay in the marriage or not. I think if you plan to stay in the marriage, all of these things should be discussed. I didn't stay in my marriage.
I was able to forgive him without any of this stuff, (but not forget), but I think if you are trying to make a marriage work that you shouldn't feel like a doormat anymore, and you should be allowed to say how you felt.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I was able to forgive him without any of this stuff, (but not forget), but I think if you are trying to make a marriage work that you shouldn't feel like a doormat anymore, and you should be allowed to say how you felt.
((((((hugs))))))
amy
I am wondering now if Christmas was a trigger for him - everyone drinks at Christmas right? So he woke up yesterday morning looking for an excuse to drink, and I had given him one with what I said the week before. I imagine he will probably drink at his sister's.
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My sense is he may have been looking for an out to drink.
Maybe not, but actions will tell.
I'll tell you honestly, many times my alcoholic mother did such terrible
things to me I wanted something to happen to her just so she would leave me alone.
I was subjectively cornered and almost preferred death to the life I was living.
It may have been "wrong" to feel that way, but I felt that way.
That doesn't make you a bad person--ladyscribbler is right that there
are two sides to any relationship involving addiction--
Find a way to get some support either in person or online
Don't stuff the emotions.
Hang in there. Early recovery is rough for everyone involved.
Maybe not, but actions will tell.
I'll tell you honestly, many times my alcoholic mother did such terrible
things to me I wanted something to happen to her just so she would leave me alone.
I was subjectively cornered and almost preferred death to the life I was living.
It may have been "wrong" to feel that way, but I felt that way.
That doesn't make you a bad person--ladyscribbler is right that there
are two sides to any relationship involving addiction--
Find a way to get some support either in person or online
Don't stuff the emotions.
Hang in there. Early recovery is rough for everyone involved.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thing is, you do not have him handcuffed to a chair, and you are not pouring drinks down his throat. He has 3 months sober. Was he doing it for himself, or was he doing it just to keep you around longer?
If he was doing it just to keep you around longer, then it was going to happen anyways. You can have really long "hoover" attempts.
Will he drink at his sister's house? Don't know. Just know that if he does, you didn't cause this.
I sometimes think back to all of the lousy things my ex said to me, and I was never able to tell him how much that hurt me. Well, actually I did, and he just laughed at me, or disappeared for a few more weeks.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
If he was doing it just to keep you around longer, then it was going to happen anyways. You can have really long "hoover" attempts.
Will he drink at his sister's house? Don't know. Just know that if he does, you didn't cause this.
I sometimes think back to all of the lousy things my ex said to me, and I was never able to tell him how much that hurt me. Well, actually I did, and he just laughed at me, or disappeared for a few more weeks.
((((((hugs)))))
amy
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I understand both sides...his and yours.
His ego was hurt and you deserve to be truthful.
My situation is reversed...I asked my husband the same...what's it been like...he paused and said "Do you remember that time (18yrs ago), when you....
I couldn't believe he was referencing back that long! WTF I thought! My ego exploded...even though I knew he had every right to feel as he did...PLUS, I asked afterall!
But I willed myself to listen, for if he hadn't have stuck by me all those years while drinking and now while recovering, well I wouldn't be sober right now.
It kills me to accept the harm I've inflicted all these years...but running away from the truth gets me drunk, listening only hurts my ego. So whatever it takes...
Maybe your husband will realize this too.
His ego was hurt and you deserve to be truthful.
My situation is reversed...I asked my husband the same...what's it been like...he paused and said "Do you remember that time (18yrs ago), when you....
I couldn't believe he was referencing back that long! WTF I thought! My ego exploded...even though I knew he had every right to feel as he did...PLUS, I asked afterall!
But I willed myself to listen, for if he hadn't have stuck by me all those years while drinking and now while recovering, well I wouldn't be sober right now.
It kills me to accept the harm I've inflicted all these years...but running away from the truth gets me drunk, listening only hurts my ego. So whatever it takes...
Maybe your husband will realize this too.
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Why are you guys focusing on him and what he's going to do or not do, or what he's thinking?
I know in my life I have some regrets. One thing I don't regret is when I choose not to say that hurtful thing that I am thinking. Sure, we all get angry. But if I'm wanting a relationship to work, there is no sense in saying, "You were awful, I wished you had hurt yourself." That just doesn't leave room for anything good to flourish. The things I do regret? Saying mean things, doing mean things, acting like a two-year old, blaming, shaming, or otherwise trying to hurt someone else. What he does is not hers to worry about, truly. He was hurt. What he does with that is no one's fault, but the hurt was unnecessary, and those things are the things that haunt me today; hurting someone on purpose, or even in frustration. I still know better. Sorry ladies, just my experience.
I know in my life I have some regrets. One thing I don't regret is when I choose not to say that hurtful thing that I am thinking. Sure, we all get angry. But if I'm wanting a relationship to work, there is no sense in saying, "You were awful, I wished you had hurt yourself." That just doesn't leave room for anything good to flourish. The things I do regret? Saying mean things, doing mean things, acting like a two-year old, blaming, shaming, or otherwise trying to hurt someone else. What he does is not hers to worry about, truly. He was hurt. What he does with that is no one's fault, but the hurt was unnecessary, and those things are the things that haunt me today; hurting someone on purpose, or even in frustration. I still know better. Sorry ladies, just my experience.
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