Feeling confused - please help me understand?!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Nyinabo 
You've hit the nail on the head with that last point. I was sat open mouthed when he said he was leaving me because of that comment. God only knows the things he has said to me while drinking. I don't even repeat them to myself.
I know, I understand. If you feel bad about what you said then apologize, just know that I can understand why you said that, and now that I am hearing that it was almost a week later for him to use this against you, well, I just don't know.
I think, yes, you could have said it in a nicer way, but I also know the emotional torment you were going through for I don't know how many years.
I think I would look at it this way. If he goes away and doesn't drink then he is still trying to work things out, if he does drink, he can be drinking for any # of reasons, and you will need to decide if you can deal with that or not.
Yes, you could have said, " I was feeling so angry then, and so hurt then, I didn't feel like you wanted to be with me, because you were almost never around. I wanted you to reach your rock bottom so that you could decide what was important to you. (and in a way, that is a codie way of saying thing.) So nothing is ever right.
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I am one of those who thinks it was an unkind thing to say. You said you wanted to hurt him when you said it. To me, that calls for an apology.
That said, people say unkind, hurtful things all the time--sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Whatever you said, and whatever your motives, it might be an EXCUSE for him to drink, but it wouldn't be the REASON. Alcoholics drink because they have an obsession to drink.
It's totally up to you whether to apologize. I probably would. Reasonable people can disagree. I'd do it just to clear my own conscience. It would be a Tenth Step thing, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."
That said, people say unkind, hurtful things all the time--sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Whatever you said, and whatever your motives, it might be an EXCUSE for him to drink, but it wouldn't be the REASON. Alcoholics drink because they have an obsession to drink.
It's totally up to you whether to apologize. I probably would. Reasonable people can disagree. I'd do it just to clear my own conscience. It would be a Tenth Step thing, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi there...
While I do think recovery work will help you let go of your anger and move forward without resentments...
I also think a big boy listens and deals with tough feelings and criticism and honesty. You aren't proud of those feelings, but they're real. And he asked.
The adult may brood a day or two, then initiate a discussion. King Baby (google that term) can't handle the ego blow called reality and would yank his affection and commitment--either because he doesn't want to work through the actual past, or because he'll punish you to apologize and get you to grovel to keep him to feed the ego.
From where I sit, either way...he's either manipulating or not ready to get real with you (and you're not either)...so the recommendation above of space is good...
Sounds odd, but space allows for so much healing and clarity...
While I do think recovery work will help you let go of your anger and move forward without resentments...
I also think a big boy listens and deals with tough feelings and criticism and honesty. You aren't proud of those feelings, but they're real. And he asked.
The adult may brood a day or two, then initiate a discussion. King Baby (google that term) can't handle the ego blow called reality and would yank his affection and commitment--either because he doesn't want to work through the actual past, or because he'll punish you to apologize and get you to grovel to keep him to feed the ego.
From where I sit, either way...he's either manipulating or not ready to get real with you (and you're not either)...so the recommendation above of space is good...
Sounds odd, but space allows for so much healing and clarity...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 19
I honestly don't see anything you need to apologize for. He opened that door, he seemed willing to listen and you were speaking calmly in one another's arms. You felt like you could speak your truth and be vulnerable enough to tell him how bad it got for you. What a healing moment that could have been for you both. Did you really say it to hurt him or did you say it because you had the opportunity (finally) to let some of YOUR hurt out? Maybe some of both?
And, geez, how crazy had life become when you wanted something bad to happen to someone you love, thinking that's the only path to something better?
I think it's cool that he did ask what your experience was, then he listened and empathized. But now it seems almost like you are being punished. How confusing!
More will be revealed. Be gentle with yourself. Know it's okay to trust yourself, too. It just is.
And, geez, how crazy had life become when you wanted something bad to happen to someone you love, thinking that's the only path to something better?
I think it's cool that he did ask what your experience was, then he listened and empathized. But now it seems almost like you are being punished. How confusing!
More will be revealed. Be gentle with yourself. Know it's okay to trust yourself, too. It just is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Seedpod
I honestly don't see anything you need to apologize for. He opened that door, he seemed willing to listen and you were speaking calmly in one another's arms. You felt like you could speak your truth and be vulnerable enough to tell him how bad it got for you. What a healing moment that could have been for you both. Did you really say it to hurt him or did you say it because you had the opportunity (finally) to let some of YOUR hurt out? Maybe some of both?
And, geez, how crazy had life become when you wanted something bad to happen to someone you love, thinking that's the only path to something better?
I think it's cool that he did ask what your experience was, then he listened and empathized. But now it seems almost like you are being punished. How confusing!
More will be revealed. Be gentle with yourself. Know it's okay to trust yourself, too. It just is.
And, geez, how crazy had life become when you wanted something bad to happen to someone you love, thinking that's the only path to something better?
I think it's cool that he did ask what your experience was, then he listened and empathized. But now it seems almost like you are being punished. How confusing!
More will be revealed. Be gentle with yourself. Know it's okay to trust yourself, too. It just is.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nyinabo.....it seems that many alcoholics .....especially, the ones who began drinking early in life and have progressed pretty far along in the disease....have the emotional development of somewhere in the teens.......
One doesn't really face life when their major coping mechanism is to deal with every feeling with alcohol. Their emotional growth does not get the opportunity to strengthen and character to develop like it normally would as one ages......
Emperically, it looks like this can change as one works the steps and comes out of the alcoholic fog.....and, that takes hard....hard, focused work and time.....it doesn't happen overnight.....
I don't think you should continue to beat yourself up over this....haven't you suffered enough at the hands of the alcoholism?
If you want a good perspective on how alcoholism works on a person's mind.....I highly suggest that you read what I consider some of the best articles that I have read on the subject------do a google search for Floyd P. Garrett, MD.
There are several articles.....you can pick whatever you relate to.....I suggest that you begin with "Excuses alcoholics make" "The Addict's delimma" and "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships"......
It will give you a better perspective on this......allow you to better understand what you are up against.....
dandylion
One doesn't really face life when their major coping mechanism is to deal with every feeling with alcohol. Their emotional growth does not get the opportunity to strengthen and character to develop like it normally would as one ages......
Emperically, it looks like this can change as one works the steps and comes out of the alcoholic fog.....and, that takes hard....hard, focused work and time.....it doesn't happen overnight.....
I don't think you should continue to beat yourself up over this....haven't you suffered enough at the hands of the alcoholism?
If you want a good perspective on how alcoholism works on a person's mind.....I highly suggest that you read what I consider some of the best articles that I have read on the subject------do a google search for Floyd P. Garrett, MD.
There are several articles.....you can pick whatever you relate to.....I suggest that you begin with "Excuses alcoholics make" "The Addict's delimma" and "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships"......
It will give you a better perspective on this......allow you to better understand what you are up against.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Nyinabo
This is true, I did want to hurt him. How can anyone go through years of hurt and loneliness and not want to hurt the person who inflicted that on you? I recognise that this is unhealthy but don't know how else to deal with it. And I only said it because he asked. At no other time did I tell him how hard it was for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by dandylion
Nyinabo.....it seems that many alcoholics .....especially, the ones who began drinking early in life and have progressed pretty far along in the disease....have the emotional development of somewhere in the teens.......
One doesn't really face life when their major coping mechanism is to deal with every feeling with alcohol. Their emotional growth does not get the opportunity to strengthen and character to develop like it normally would as one ages......
Emperically, it looks like this can change as one works the steps and comes out of the alcoholic fog.....and, that takes hard....hard, focused work and time.....it doesn't happen overnight.....
I don't think you should continue to beat yourself up over this....haven't you suffered enough at the hands of the alcoholism?
If you want a good perspective on how alcoholism works on a person's mind.....I highly suggest that you read what I consider some of the best articles that I have read on the subject------do a google search for Floyd P. Garrett, MD.
There are several articles.....you can pick whatever you relate to.....I suggest that you begin with "Excuses alcoholics make" "The Addict's delimma" and "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships"......
It will give you a better perspective on this......allow you to better understand what you are up against.....
dandylion
One doesn't really face life when their major coping mechanism is to deal with every feeling with alcohol. Their emotional growth does not get the opportunity to strengthen and character to develop like it normally would as one ages......
Emperically, it looks like this can change as one works the steps and comes out of the alcoholic fog.....and, that takes hard....hard, focused work and time.....it doesn't happen overnight.....
I don't think you should continue to beat yourself up over this....haven't you suffered enough at the hands of the alcoholism?
If you want a good perspective on how alcoholism works on a person's mind.....I highly suggest that you read what I consider some of the best articles that I have read on the subject------do a google search for Floyd P. Garrett, MD.
There are several articles.....you can pick whatever you relate to.....I suggest that you begin with "Excuses alcoholics make" "The Addict's delimma" and "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships"......
It will give you a better perspective on this......allow you to better understand what you are up against.....
dandylion
I will stop going over and over it and go and do something for myself!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nyinabo......those articles helped me sooo much.....
Concerning your post at 8:46 am.......what we ALL want from out partners...the very most....is to be "seen"; to be "heard"; to know that our thoughts and feelings MATTER.
It seems to me that you are just being human.....
dandylion
Concerning your post at 8:46 am.......what we ALL want from out partners...the very most....is to be "seen"; to be "heard"; to know that our thoughts and feelings MATTER.
It seems to me that you are just being human.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
If he didn't want to know then he shouldn't have asked! What? So you should continue to walk on egg shells? Should he be coddled like a child because he has an addiction? Ugh!! Guess he needs to man up and start accepting the fact that he HURT other people while in active addiction instead of running away from it once again and turning the tables on the woman who has stood by him!
Sounds to me as if he is looking for a reason to drink.... Just my two cents.
Sounds to me as if he is looking for a reason to drink.... Just my two cents.
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