Working through the pain with my kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Working through the pain with my kids
Well, it’s been a rough week of holidays with both of my adult children home and their father having just moved out a month ago. My daughter, who is 23, has a ton of anger towards my STBAXH, as she knows he isn’t changing, he just stopped drinking. He continues to lie, be passive aggressive, still continues to exhibit his same addictive behaviors. She knows he’s just abstaining, not going through a hard recovery and working on himself. He works as if everyone would be happy then everything would be ok and we wouldn’t need to deal with anything. That doesn’t fly with her, nor should it. So at the moment, she has anger towards him, which he blames on her and me and if she would just stop it this would all be ok. I told him she is dealing with this how she needs to and she is going to therapy and let her handle this in a way that works for her. Instead of seeing that he has anything to do with any of this he just says she needs to stop it.
My son on the other hand (19) is really struggling in a different way. We’ve had a few crying sessions, but he listens more than he talks. He is so much like my AH it’s frightening. He doesn’t speak much. He watches tv for 10 hours at a time (escaping). He tries to just make everyone happy. He and my daughter had it out the other day, but they came to a good place at the end of the fight. Then yesterday we were supposed to go to the movies and my son said he couldn’t because my STBAXH was taking him to a different movie. My son said he doesn’t like feeling in the middle. We had a very long talk about how he feels and he finally has agreed to therapy when he returns to school.
Here is some of what he feels. He felt that when he was home before leaving for college, hiding my husband’s secret addiction from me, he was keeping the family together and when he left for college, his biggest fear was realized, and my AH moved out. He feels had he just stayed home this wouldn’t have happened. That it is his fault.
He also feels that since my daughter is so mad at my STBAXH and won’t see him, it’s easy for her. She doesn’t need to “pick a side”. And since their father doesn’t see my daughter, that my son feels doubly responsible to see my AH to make up for my daughter not being there so my STBAXH isn’t lonely.
He also feels that since I was always the loud and strong one, and his father was quiet and weak, his father needs protection. My STBAXH was the victim (as he has portrayed himself for so many years) and my son needs to help him and save him. We talked about this point for a while and about codependency and people being responsible for their own happiness.
At one point he started screaming that he doesn’t know how he feels. He doesn’t know what’s in his head. He doesn’t know how to communicate what he is experiencing. And that is exactly how my STBAXH is. And that’s scary to me. And that’s where he agreed to therapy and I really hope he takes advantage of it. He is in a ton of pain.
And then I’m thinking how each day since he’s been home, we’ve somehow had these talks, whether they are hours or a couple of minutes, of sorting through our emotions. And how my STBAXH just gets to go on vacation, talk about nothing meaningful, and pop in and say hi, and bring presents for the kids and then goes on his merry way. It’s like we are dealing with this sh*tstorm he rained down on us and he’s happily singing in the rain. However, I know, that all the talking and open communication and working on speaking our truth I do on this with me and my kids, will help them and me in the end. They will do their recovery and healing through therapy (and hopefully one day Alanon), I will do mine, and eventually the storm will pass and the sun will shine brighter than it ever had. And my STBAXH will still be looking for an umbrella and wondering why it won’t stop raining. And, hey, even if he doesn’t, I know I will be happy and my kids will hopefully be ok. All of the hard work pays off.
I have to say though, of all the trepidation I was having about this week, I have been having a beautiful time with my kids. We've gone to the beach, we've made great meals together, we've shared presents, we've rented movies and watched them together, we've played a ton of games, we've baked. It's been really, really terrific and the best part is we didn't have the stress of my STBAXH hanging around bringing us all down. I wouldn't trade this for the world.
My son on the other hand (19) is really struggling in a different way. We’ve had a few crying sessions, but he listens more than he talks. He is so much like my AH it’s frightening. He doesn’t speak much. He watches tv for 10 hours at a time (escaping). He tries to just make everyone happy. He and my daughter had it out the other day, but they came to a good place at the end of the fight. Then yesterday we were supposed to go to the movies and my son said he couldn’t because my STBAXH was taking him to a different movie. My son said he doesn’t like feeling in the middle. We had a very long talk about how he feels and he finally has agreed to therapy when he returns to school.
Here is some of what he feels. He felt that when he was home before leaving for college, hiding my husband’s secret addiction from me, he was keeping the family together and when he left for college, his biggest fear was realized, and my AH moved out. He feels had he just stayed home this wouldn’t have happened. That it is his fault.
He also feels that since my daughter is so mad at my STBAXH and won’t see him, it’s easy for her. She doesn’t need to “pick a side”. And since their father doesn’t see my daughter, that my son feels doubly responsible to see my AH to make up for my daughter not being there so my STBAXH isn’t lonely.
He also feels that since I was always the loud and strong one, and his father was quiet and weak, his father needs protection. My STBAXH was the victim (as he has portrayed himself for so many years) and my son needs to help him and save him. We talked about this point for a while and about codependency and people being responsible for their own happiness.
At one point he started screaming that he doesn’t know how he feels. He doesn’t know what’s in his head. He doesn’t know how to communicate what he is experiencing. And that is exactly how my STBAXH is. And that’s scary to me. And that’s where he agreed to therapy and I really hope he takes advantage of it. He is in a ton of pain.
And then I’m thinking how each day since he’s been home, we’ve somehow had these talks, whether they are hours or a couple of minutes, of sorting through our emotions. And how my STBAXH just gets to go on vacation, talk about nothing meaningful, and pop in and say hi, and bring presents for the kids and then goes on his merry way. It’s like we are dealing with this sh*tstorm he rained down on us and he’s happily singing in the rain. However, I know, that all the talking and open communication and working on speaking our truth I do on this with me and my kids, will help them and me in the end. They will do their recovery and healing through therapy (and hopefully one day Alanon), I will do mine, and eventually the storm will pass and the sun will shine brighter than it ever had. And my STBAXH will still be looking for an umbrella and wondering why it won’t stop raining. And, hey, even if he doesn’t, I know I will be happy and my kids will hopefully be ok. All of the hard work pays off.
I have to say though, of all the trepidation I was having about this week, I have been having a beautiful time with my kids. We've gone to the beach, we've made great meals together, we've shared presents, we've rented movies and watched them together, we've played a ton of games, we've baked. It's been really, really terrific and the best part is we didn't have the stress of my STBAXH hanging around bringing us all down. I wouldn't trade this for the world.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
This I believe is what I'm afraid will happen if I leave after 30 years. I'm scared they will have to pick sides etc....geez your ex sounds like my hubby pa in denial and likes to stick head in sand so it all goes away.
I'm and always seem to be observant get scared then go into denial.
I read on codependency and I'm mostly denial and somewhat take blame that was my role as a child as well.
I tried to fix everything as well but not so much. I realize some people are happy being miserable.
Glad you had a great time after all.
I'm and always seem to be observant get scared then go into denial.
I read on codependency and I'm mostly denial and somewhat take blame that was my role as a child as well.
I tried to fix everything as well but not so much. I realize some people are happy being miserable.
Glad you had a great time after all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Bluehawaii, it was a huge fear of mine as well and the reason I stayed in the marriage so long. But in the end, I would take the peace I have found by his leaving any day of the week. My kids and I are navigating this in our own way and together. I am having them understand that when they are with their father, I don't take it personally. This is one of the results of separation/divorce and it's ok. Better they have two parents separated that are healing (at least I am) then together and fighting constantly or extremely unhappy. This is a case of where you need to do what works for you. My STBXAH left me, because I didn't have the strength to do it, and I'm so happy he did. I wasn't for a very long time, but I am now. Now my work is in healing and re-learning who I am and it's been so empowering. Staying together for my kids was the wrong reason to stay together. It was more of the sacrificing my happiness for other people, even if they are my kids. And I see now, as I have, they will weather this storm, and will be ok, and so will I. Staying miserable is no way to live. In the end, it's all how you look at it and how your kids see your recovery and your healing and the role model you can be in happiness and being the real you. The you that you were meant to be. A better role model is one that is happy and knows who they are and shows self love, self care and worthiness. Not one that sacrifices and stays in a miserable situation for years on end to make someone else happy, to not value themselves, to not see they are worthy of respect and love. That is not something I want to teach my kids. We are all worthy of so much more. If you can, get your hands on a copy of Codependent No More, it will help, it helped me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amy.....it occurs to me that the group Adult Children of Alcoholics would be better than alanon for your kids----considering their ages.....
do you know how many kids at college are from families with alcoholism?....A ton.
If your son wants therapy....that is good, too. don't push him too much.....
There must be a lot of Adult Children groups near the campus.....
Remember that your biggest job is mother....not therapist.....
Don't get too bent out of shape because he looks like he is having such a good time....you are looking at his outsides with your insides.....always a mistake.....
I suggest that you stop talking to him....altogether....about his relationship with the kids.....he is soon going to be your ex.....start practicing......
Actually....sometime in the future....say, a couple of years from now.....remember to sent him a thank you note....for doing what you didn't have the strength to do......he did you a great big ole favor!
dandylion
do you know how many kids at college are from families with alcoholism?....A ton.
If your son wants therapy....that is good, too. don't push him too much.....
There must be a lot of Adult Children groups near the campus.....
Remember that your biggest job is mother....not therapist.....
Don't get too bent out of shape because he looks like he is having such a good time....you are looking at his outsides with your insides.....always a mistake.....
I suggest that you stop talking to him....altogether....about his relationship with the kids.....he is soon going to be your ex.....start practicing......
Actually....sometime in the future....say, a couple of years from now.....remember to sent him a thank you note....for doing what you didn't have the strength to do......he did you a great big ole favor!
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like the kids are processing it just fine. I agree with dandy--don't try to play therapist, just be their reliable, non-crazy parent. I get wanting to spare them the pain, but you can't undo what has already happened. They will handle it in their own way, possibly in very different ways. They will experience pain along the way--growth is often painful.
You're doing fine--just make sure you stay out of your own way--and theirs.
Hugs,
You're doing fine--just make sure you stay out of your own way--and theirs.
Hugs,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
