Why do I keep putting myself through this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
Why do I keep putting myself through this?
Been going through this holiday mess with my AW for 19 years now.She always drinks but tends to go a little heavy on the holidays.She knows my family has like a Italian Christmas eve every year and she starts drinking quite early,,,says I didn't tell her it was tonight and she won't be going.So once again its just my son and I.I have a large family everyone else comes with their whole family's and then some,, everyone is invited. Not sure why I put up with it, this woman does not cook,,does not clean,,and although she has a job does not help with any expenses .Really thinking I am the stupid one!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
It is very unhealthy for your son to be growing up with an alcoholic parent,
even if you are willing to suffer.
Sorry you are having yet another ruined holiday.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and she pretty much destroyed most of ours too.
Maybe you should try AlAnon or some other outreach to take some action if you
are unhappy--a New Year's plan for peace?
You aren't stupid Michael, but you maybe should rethink living with this,
and letting your son grow up in it thinking it is in any way "normal" behavior.
even if you are willing to suffer.
Sorry you are having yet another ruined holiday.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and she pretty much destroyed most of ours too.
Maybe you should try AlAnon or some other outreach to take some action if you
are unhappy--a New Year's plan for peace?
You aren't stupid Michael, but you maybe should rethink living with this,
and letting your son grow up in it thinking it is in any way "normal" behavior.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Is your wife an alcoholic, or does she just overindulge on the holidays? "Always drinks" is a little vague.
Do YOU do the cooking and cleaning at your house? Or does it simply not get done because it's her "job" to do that?
Sounds like you're pretty unhappy in the relationship. I wouldn't call you "stupid" but it sounds like some changes are in order. It's impossible to control someone else, so it's up to you to make whatever changes are necessary for your own happiness and well-being.
Do YOU do the cooking and cleaning at your house? Or does it simply not get done because it's her "job" to do that?
Sounds like you're pretty unhappy in the relationship. I wouldn't call you "stupid" but it sounds like some changes are in order. It's impossible to control someone else, so it's up to you to make whatever changes are necessary for your own happiness and well-being.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
I agree something needs to be done at least for my sons sake but even though he is old enough to understand his moms drinking he loves his mom,The way the finances are dont really know what can be done,,had a lawyer tell me "the only thing that will change is you wont have anyplace to live". Yes she is an alcoholic,,, gets the shakes and all without it,And yes I am the one who cleans,, not her job,,never has been.Asked her on time if she has ever cleaned the bath room,,she says once or twice.It's been 19 years.Sorry to rant but I have had it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know how old your son is; I'm assuming a young teenager or thereabouts? There are Alateen groups for kids his age, and Al-Anon for you. Living in a home with an alcoholic parent is TERRIBLE for kids--as many of the folks on this thread can attest based on their own upbringing, as well as their experience trying to raise children in an alcoholic household.
It's perfectly fine, and right, that your son should love his mom. Nobody will ever say differently. But he needs to be protected from the chaos that comes along with having an alcoholic mom--however loving she may be.
Nothing drastic has to be decided this minute, but the sooner you get some support for yourself and your son the clearer things will become, and the less affected you will be by her drinking.
It's perfectly fine, and right, that your son should love his mom. Nobody will ever say differently. But he needs to be protected from the chaos that comes along with having an alcoholic mom--however loving she may be.
Nothing drastic has to be decided this minute, but the sooner you get some support for yourself and your son the clearer things will become, and the less affected you will be by her drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, I assume the attorney was talking about the short term, unless everything is hers by some pre-nup.
So suppose you move out because you need some space? If you get divorced, the assets will be divided, right? Someone is going to have to leave if divorce is the path taken. You're not going to change her. I was told by a therapist, "Why don't you cut your losses?" So I did. It was a good call.
So suppose you move out because you need some space? If you get divorced, the assets will be divided, right? Someone is going to have to leave if divorce is the path taken. You're not going to change her. I was told by a therapist, "Why don't you cut your losses?" So I did. It was a good call.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Micheal, Merry Christmas.
To answer your question of " why do I keep putting up with this?" I don't know....why? I have read thru your previous threads and it seems as if you have been asking yourself the same question for years now. What's it going to take for you to make a decision to move forward and do something? Is this how you want to spend Christmas Eve next year also? Think about it.....
I also come from a very large Italian family so I know exactly what you are talking about. It is not only disrespectful towards the family for her not to show up on " our" big holiday but it is an embarrassment for you. I get it. The thing is they are probably relieved she won't be attending so don't sweat it. Go, Mangia, have a good time, show your boy what " family" means and worry about your next move at the beginning of the year. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
As far as what you were told by an attorney? We are in Florida.. By law 50% of everything is yours unless there is some sort of prenup involved. Not sure about you but I would rather downsize than continue to have to put up with the chaos of being a partner to an active alcoholic....I wouldn't care how many years I was married!
Good luck to you.. Keep us posted.
Buon Natale
Ro
To answer your question of " why do I keep putting up with this?" I don't know....why? I have read thru your previous threads and it seems as if you have been asking yourself the same question for years now. What's it going to take for you to make a decision to move forward and do something? Is this how you want to spend Christmas Eve next year also? Think about it.....
I also come from a very large Italian family so I know exactly what you are talking about. It is not only disrespectful towards the family for her not to show up on " our" big holiday but it is an embarrassment for you. I get it. The thing is they are probably relieved she won't be attending so don't sweat it. Go, Mangia, have a good time, show your boy what " family" means and worry about your next move at the beginning of the year. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
As far as what you were told by an attorney? We are in Florida.. By law 50% of everything is yours unless there is some sort of prenup involved. Not sure about you but I would rather downsize than continue to have to put up with the chaos of being a partner to an active alcoholic....I wouldn't care how many years I was married!
Good luck to you.. Keep us posted.
Buon Natale
Ro
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
Thank you all from what I call "talking me off the bridge" and I wish all a merry christmas. She has already left for where ever she is going tonight and my son and I will be getting ready soon.Nothing like Italian Christmas eve and though it would be nice to have my wife by my side gotta realize its gonna be a lot more peaceful not having to watch out for her.
Urban Hermit
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,586
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Sounds like you're pretty unhappy in the relationship. I wouldn't call you "stupid" but it sounds like some changes are in order. It's impossible to control someone else, so it's up to you to make whatever changes are necessary for your own happiness and well-being.
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You're not going to change her. I was told by a therapist, "Why don't you cut your losses?" So I did. It was a good call.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Merry Christmas! I hope your night is going well.
Just wanted to toss out there that I stayed for a long time out of financial fear of what it would do...but being alone in a small peaceful space was heaven compared to where I'd been.
And...it's not as hard as you think. I saved a ton on taxes by filing head of household instead of married, and saved a boatload on booze and other extras. I had a lot more money left than I thought I would when it was just me--because I knew where every dollar went. I also had a mug easier time managing the household and kids completely alone than with my ex here by my side. Strange how they suck your energy and add work...
I know many others who thought finances would be impossible who learned a different way and now wish they'd pulled the trigger years earlier.
Just food for thought. Have a wonderful time tonight!
Just wanted to toss out there that I stayed for a long time out of financial fear of what it would do...but being alone in a small peaceful space was heaven compared to where I'd been.
And...it's not as hard as you think. I saved a ton on taxes by filing head of household instead of married, and saved a boatload on booze and other extras. I had a lot more money left than I thought I would when it was just me--because I knew where every dollar went. I also had a mug easier time managing the household and kids completely alone than with my ex here by my side. Strange how they suck your energy and add work...
I know many others who thought finances would be impossible who learned a different way and now wish they'd pulled the trigger years earlier.
Just food for thought. Have a wonderful time tonight!
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