rae145

I had to call the sheriff's dept on my husband and subsequently filed for divorce. I've moved 5 hrs away and have a new job. I am getting nothing from the house since it was a gift to him from his mother. He did not contribute to the monetary responsibilities of raising our daughter and has called me every vulgar and vile name imaginable. Has called me fat, made gestures indicating how fat or crazy I am etc.. I'm sure some of you have experienced this too. I am mad at myself for staying so long and am also sad bc 31 yrs has gone down the drain. I am now picking up a mortgage at 55 and don't think I'll ever have the means to retire. If I had left yrs ago I would most certainly be better off at this point in my life. I guess I just needed to vent

honeypig

rae, welcome back--hope you visit regularly. I can tell you you're not alone in wishing that you'd taken action a long time ago. I think one of my very first posts here said that I wanted the last 20 years of my life back! And I know I've surely felt that I've "wasted" all that time...

One of the things the wise folks of SR have taught me is that while I can't have a happier or different past, I can definitely take steps to have a happier day right now, right this moment (and that's all we really have, right?).

Can I also suggest Alanon, if you're not already going? The face-to-face support combined w/SR can be a real force for growth, in my opinion.

I wish you strength and clarity as you continue your journey.

rae145

I have started al anon mtgs on line. You know, I am so pissed that everyone thinks he is such a wonderful man and that the party goes on and on for him! Thank you for replying

honeypig

I understand that feeling. My XAH has done an absolutely outstanding job of hiding his drinking; he is not someone who got DUIs and puked on the lawn. It was all very, very secret. The first post in this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html gives a summary of recent developments.

And I am willing to bet my next year's pay that he has not told anyone (his family, his co-workers, his friends) ANY of that, as far as the drinking, lying, spending our savings, etc. I'm certain he is more than willing to let me appear to be this evil bitch who divorced him for no good reason, then threw him out right before the holidays when he was injured and out of work.

I really want to defend myself, to tell MY side of the story--but why? None of those people are people I care about. Those who matter to me already know the whole tale. It's not my place to "out" him; that energy is better spent doing things that make me happy rather than trying to get even, as much as that is exactly what I want to do sometimes.

And in the interest of the "whole truth", while I know I did nothing to cause his alcoholism, I also know that my own unhealthy ways of coping are what kept me in a troubled and dishonest relationship far, far longer than what a healthy person would have tolerated. That IS my part of the burden to bear...

rae145

You're absolutely right. Again thanks for your insight-it's been very helpful

LexieCat

Yup, and the harder you stare at HIS life, the less attention you're paying to your own.

I've been on my own for the past 10 years or so, bought a house at 50, and am working in retirement. I DO have a pension, and could survive on it, but I've had some problems with my house that will be very costly to repair, and I'm planning to continue working for another 5-10 years, at least.

I've come to LOVE being on my own. My decisions affect only me, so I can do what I want to do. If I want cereal for dinner, I have it. If I want to binge-watch TV or movies, I can. If I want the TV OFF and just have peace and quiet, I can. If I want to take off on a trip for a week, or a weekend, on the spur of the moment, all I need to do is to arrange my schedule at work.

This can be a wonderful time in your life. Make it look the way you want it to look. Take a class you always wanted to take. Learn to cook or make jewelry or create art. Learn to enjoy your own company--take yourself out to dinner or a movie you've been wanting to see. I do stuff like that all the time, and I've gone to a ton of rock concerts on my own, too.

What he does in his life is IRRELEVANT. When you really find that to be true, it's much easier to let go of the resentment and anger.

Hugs,

ShootingStar1

Take heart, rae145. I left my then abusive alcoholic husband three and a half years ago at age 62, and, now, my life is better than it has ever been. I took two and a half years of time to intensively focus on me, and what my part was in the dysfunctional relationship that our over 20 year marriage had become, and I continue to do that. It was difficult, intense, focused, and I had to face a lot about myself that I didn't see before or want to see. For me, the journey toward health continues daily, and I am now more at peace, happier, and joyful than I have ever been before. I believe that when we focus on our own health, more comes to us than we can possibly imagine.

It can happen for you, too. There is joy in your future, in all of our futures as we leave our own dysfunction behind and move toward the magic of what we can create in our new lives.

ShootingStar1

Yurt

I too thought that walking away from a long time marriage (20+ years) would be a waste; would mean that I was a failure. However, I look at my daughter, whom I am extremely proud of, and realize that she would not have been the person she is without experience all that we have together. So, I look forward, and use my experiences to make my life better. You can do this.

Hawkeye13

Lexie, Star, and Yurt, you guys are amazing
Proud to know ya


Rae, you can do this and you'll come out stronger and happier in the end.
Hang in there and keep moving forward

honeypig

Just wanted to add that, like the folks above, I was married for a sizable chunk of time (19 years married, 21 years together). I am 55 years old, not a pup any more, but the years do give a perspective that I simply didn't have at 25, once I've learned how to see...

It might feel like you're old and used up w/nothing good ahead of you, but so many here have been astonished at the rewarding, exciting, wonderful lives they've gone on to once they started their own recovery. Like Hawkeye pointed out, you've gotten posts from 3 people who could be the poster children for "starting over." You'll be no exception, rae.

LivingLife4Me

I am younger than the other ladies here, 43 years old, but I was married for 19 years to an alcoholic. I have been out since July and have been divorced now a little over six weeks. I am not as far along as others in their new journeys in life, but I can say that I am so much happier now than I have been in a long time. I am looking forward to my life in recovery and finding what wonderful opportunities my life will bring without an active alcoholic keeping me down.

Sue

rae145

Thanks all for sharing your stories with me! It does help to learn about others in your own shoes.

amy55

It's really good to vent, I did a lot of that, at times I still do. I was married for 27 years. I am also mad at myself for staying that long. I was 55 when I was divorced. I previously worked for the government and was receiving an early-out retirement pension. Not a lot of money but some money. I was looking at single-wides, but then I found a log cabin that cost about the same.

I think what got me through everything, was that a lot of the time when I was married, I wasn't able to see a future, when I was getting a divorce, I was forced to look ahead. I may not have the best house, I may not live in the best place, but what I have is invaluable. I now have a life where I don't need to walk on eggshells, I have a house where I can put anything up on the walls that I want to, I have my 4 cats, I can sleep to 4 am or I can sleep till 1 pm.

I can find the things out about me that I do like, (I'm not being told what I should like and shouldn't like). I no longer feel that I need to have sex with him so that he will not rage at me.

I'm finding that I am a person, and that I like the person that I am. I'm finding that I am at peace with myself. (and I like that)

Here for you, and thank you for your story.

(((((((hugs)))))))
amy

cricket123

I was 12 days shy of 32 years when my divorce became final. Still not sure what the future holds for me but it is better than what I had.

rae145

I really like reading all of your stories. It's amazing that so many of us have similar histories. I'm glad all of you shared and I hope more of us do in the future.

CAPTAINZING2000

Life is too short to be miserable until you die.

I left my dysfunctional wife and her grown latch kids a couple of years ago.

Hope this new life works out for you

maia1234

R-
I was married 26 years and together 34. Just divorced a year ago. I to regret the time, but I believe that this was Gods will. I feel that if it was earlier, I don't think I would have been strong enough to execute everything that I had to do. It had to be a perfect storm and the right moment.

So look at it like that, don't have regrets about that all so. Everything happens for a reason, its Gods plan and he just doesn't tell us what his plans are. Hugs my friend and enjoy your serenity!!