honeypig

DECEMBER 23

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

Holiday Triggers

One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control.
--Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.

There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.

Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.

Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.

We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.

If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.

Today I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. Higher Power, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

honeypig

But you know, as long as I can remember, Christmas has always brought a feeling of deep sadness with it. Not only sadness, not an overwhelming sadness, but something deep in the bones. I don't know why.

I cannot hear "Silent Night" sung w/o crying. A beautiful old-fashioned Christmas tree chokes me up.

I do feel the joy and love of the season. But the dark side is always there, a cold lonesomeness that never fully lifts. I used to think that XAH would banish this for me. Now I know I have to do it myself.

I send hugs and strength to those who feel the same. You aren't alone--and I need to know that I'm not alone, either.

mylifeismine

Honey pig, this week I had a profound epiphany about why I sometimes
have strong irrational thoughts or feelings come up suddenly. It is my
inner child. I have also discovered if I stop and remain quiet for a moment
and envision myself as an adult speaking to myself as a child, I give the child what she needs. Comfort, safety, security, whatever.

Please don't think I'm nutty, but it seems to satisfy my soul on a deep level.

You are not alone, sending hugs & prayers your way.

mylifeismine

I believe I inner child is another name for a part of your
psyche that was wounded in some way, long ago, and needs to be
recognized.......

Liveitwell

^^ that is not nutty at all!! There is a lot of truth in that-I've done the same thanks for sharing your words!

honeypig

MLIM, I do NOT think you're nutty. In fact, I think that's an important insight and I thank you for sharing it w/me. In addition to the issues that bring me to SR, I am also an SA survivor. A number of years ago, when I was beginning to work thru that, I had a sort of "vision" of a little girl who I took into my arms and comforted. I had a strong sense that that little girl was me, back when that particular wounding happened. It was a powerful moment and did a lot to move me ahead on that particular path. I think you may be exactly right in what you say here.

Thanks to both of you, MLIM and FOG.

DoubleDragons

I definitely have PSTD when it comes to Christmas. Most of our Christmases as kids were traumatic with my parents' dramatic arguments and too much champagne for all (including us kids). I hate that I really don't love Christmas time. I do LOVE the week after Christmas, though, clearing all of the garbage out(physical and emotional) and looking forward to the new year. Hugs everyone!

firebolt

I've been reading a lot about inner child, ideal, and true self work lately, and this exercise has helped me SO MUCH!

honeypig

I feel the same way, DD. I'm happy and hopeful as New Year's approaches, w/o all the negative baggage that Christmas brings. Each year, if at all possible, I take New Year's Eve off of work and schedule a massage sometime that day. I allow for a lot of "me" time, and I make a point of doing good things for myself on New Year's Day to set the tone for the coming year.

I'm grateful that I've been able to set things up that way this year and am looking forward to it greatly. I also have plans for a clearing ceremony on NY Eve to help release that which no longer serves me or is no longer healthy for me from my life. In addition, a recovery friend gave me a lovely gift of some coral for Christmas. In reading about the coral, I find that it represents "beauty out of ugliness" and shows that "as we embrace the future, some of the past remains with us as a foundation."

I'm looking forward to incorporating MLIM's suggestion to see how that might affect my Christmas this year.