hummingbird358

As most know my son is an alcoholic and loves his weed. He is not a very nice person and is very selfish and only thinks of himself. He will take advantage of anyone he can to make it better for himself. On the other end, he has a huge compassion for animals. The thought of one hurt or without a home breaks his heart. SO today I get a text from him that I am to take back his the presents I got for his girlfriend of 3+ years. I am not to ask why.... Then I get a text from her... She said that he broke up with her because she would not come and spend 2 hours with him before he had to leave for work. That he wants her to be with him every waking moment before he moves 26 hours away. She said he is the most controlling human being she has ever met and that he is filled with anger.
Is this the disease of addiction whether if be alcohol and/or weed? She told me she was sorry she could not have helped him more. I told her that we both did what we could and that he has to be the one to get help. I told her to let him go. He needs to have a wake up call fast. Hoping the move 26 hours away will make him realize things. He doesn't realize what all we have done for him. He shows no gratitude for anything. I know he didn't buy her a present for her birthday or Christmas. Funny though he has money everyday for a 20pk of Coors Light which he drinks in a day, plus his cigarettes and weed. I wish I could see the future and see what God has planned. I am prepared to get that call that he is dead. Horrible to say but then it would be over. This constant turmoil would be over.
What ever is eating him alive inside has to go. He had a wonderful childhood filled with family vacations to Disney, a cruise, Yellowstone, the beach, etc. He was loved beyond loved. What ever happened to him just breaks my heart into pieces. That is not the little boy I raised. I pray everyday for him. For him to realize he has a problem but it is not happening. God this hurts.
I hope she doesn't try to crawl back. I think she is smart enough not to and has been through hell with him.
Maybe he will move earlier.... He shows no respect for anyone.

So, is the anger part of the addiction disease? The controlling?

LexieCat

Your son shows signs of being an abuser, apart from his addiction. My guess is that they are related but separate issues.

Why were YOU the one buying presents for his girlfriend? Whether he was paying or not, this something you had NO business doing for him.

You're still running interference for him--stop. It's fine to encourage his girlfriend to do what's best for her, when she reaches out to you, but at this point, frankly, I'd consider your son to be captain of his own ship, to sail or sink as he will.

marie1960

There are angry people in the world that are not active alcoholics.

There are controlling people in the world who are not active alcoholics

Of course those in active addiction are self consumed asshats. It's all about me, me, me. It's about doing what they want/need to do each and everyday, without regard for anyone else, not to mention, zero remorse for their unacceptable actions and behavior.

Nobody can say for certain that embracing recovery would make him any less selfish or controlling. ( But we would certainly hope so)

If you choose to give / or return the girlfriend/ ex girlfriend's Christmas gift, it's truly not any of his damn business. Your son has zero right to order you up and demand you return her gift, (that is) if the gift is from You.

Never ceases to amaze me, those spiraling out of control seem to believe they walk on water, and the world is to bow down to whatever they say, otherwise there will be hell to pay.

My heart hurts for you. From the bottom of my heart I hope he can turn his life around. Thinking the first person he needs to respect is HIMSELF.

Peace.

ladyscribbler

I think that this is one of those times where you can either let go or be dragged. Can you get to an Alanon meeting today? There's no reason for you to be in the middle of all this.

hummingbird358

LexieCat- the Christmas and Birthday gift for the Girlfriend are from ME. I bought them for her from ME. I would never have bought them for her for HIM to give them to her??

Jaeger

If they were gifts from you, I think that's your decision. If you still care for her, give her the gifts.

ladyscribbler

Then you should do as you like with those gifts. I know you've always been supportive of her and tried to encourage her to set boundaries and protect herself. She is probably a really nice young lady. Hopefully you and she are able to heal from this experience.
Hearing from the Moms at my Alanon meetings has given me a much better understanding of the suffering you experience, and has helped me to have compassion for my ex's mom and forgive the things she did when she thought she was helping him.
Sending hugs your way.

suki44883

I second what marie said! I couldn't have put it any better.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a mental illness, so says the American Medical Association. Bill Wilson described alcoholics as self-centered in the extreme, full of self will, enormous ego with low self esteem.

But if he is an abuser, that's something else.

dandylion

hummingbird.....here I am again....the dreaded dandylion.....lol....
On many of your previous threads I have emphasized the need for you to get support....for yourself and your husband.
You are the one that is suffering the most. He has his alcohol/weed to soften the impact...plus his youthful feelings of invulnerability to soften the edges, for him.
The child never gets sober clean while living in the parent's house.

It is actually a blessing if the girlfriend exits the relationship---she has been enabling him and hurting herself in the process......it is for the best......

I have said this before, and I will say it again.....to give up the illusion of control and to face the fear of losing the child's love and connection (which doesn't really happen....if they loved you at 6yrs....they will love you at 60.).....is the worst, most searing pain for the p arent. It is especially bad when they are in the developmental stage of the dependent/independence conflict......
It is the parent who needs the most support.
When the child is confused....it is the parent who needs to be strong and know what to do..or, not do.......

Hummingbird...what moves have you made to get support from other parents and the proper professionals......and readings along this line?

dandylion

LexieCat

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought he'd asked you to buy gifts for her from him.

Since they were from YOU, it's totally up to you whether to give them to her or not. Personally, if you like her (and it sounds like you do, and also like she needs to know you're rooting for her), then I'd suggest you give them to her anyway. I certainly wouldn't take HIS request/order on whether you do that or not.

One thing--I wouldn't tell him one way or another about whether you give them to her or not.

maia1234

Hb,
You know there is truly nothing you can do for your son, and good for you for letting his girl friend know that. I wished I had a "mother in-law" who told me to run and not stay with her addict son.

I just divorced my AXH a year ago October. This is the 2nd year she has given me money for Christmas. She new of the hxll he put me through and I think she is proud of me for "kicking" him to the curb. She has never said that to me, but she knows that he has been going down a black hole. I think it is very thoughtful of her to think of me and I am sure you son's girlfriend would appreciate the gesture.

I would try as much as possible going No Contact with your son. I know it will be difficult but your life is still consumed by him.
Hugs my friend!!