Someone please tell me what I can do

Old 12-17-2015, 07:28 AM
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Someone please tell me what I can do

My husband is a functioning alcoholic. In the last two years, since our son has been born, he's cut down on going out dramatically but the issue is 100 percent of the time that he does drink he becomes belligerently drunk to the point where he cannot take care of himself and I find him passed out on the porch, toilet, or kitchen floor. He works nights now and for some crazy reason they guys at work all drink together maybe once or twice a month during the job. He had a bad night in October and I told him to get it together by December or I'm done. Although I am not a church goer, we tried to find a church in hope of meeting some role models and also set plans for couples counseling that will start in Jan. He did well but since December 1 he's come home belligerent once and I found him this morning drunk on the driveway at 6am. Obviously his behavior creates so many more issues then just the fact that it's a problem but there's not enough room to type it all. I live in fear of his drunk nights and anticipate the anger and frustration I know I will feel, I'm also 6 months pregnant and it's just too much. I just want to know what I can do to show him I'm serious about not putting up with this anymore. He obviously doesn't take me seriously or think there's an issue. I feel so helpless.
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Old 12-17-2015, 07:56 AM
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I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. Welcome to the board, we are very glad you found us.

The very best thing you can do right now is educate yourself about alcoholism so that you can make the best decision for yourself and your baby.

I promise you that he knows and understands how his drinking affects you and your relationship. Right now, that is not enough for him to change. Right now, he can accept the consequences of his choices.

You are not helpless. You can take care of yourself. First though, you need to know what you're dealing with when it comes to addiction. Until an addict decides that they have had enough, there is nothing you can do or say to make them stop. Cutting down is not really an option. Counseling with an active addict in denial is pretty useless.

There are a lot of "Sticky" posts at the top of this forum with a wealth of experience, strength, and hope. I am confident you will see your story reflected in those posts. The good news is, you are not alone.
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Old 12-17-2015, 07:58 AM
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Oh honey...is there any family members you can go stay with for a while (if he won't leave)? You need your rest and this just creates more stress that you and the baby don't need...you mentioned you live in fear...has he verbally or physically abused you? There are several people in this forum that can help with that issue...I know what it is like and it is not easy...if I were you I would try to stay with someone for a while until you figure out how to get out of this relationship...
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:01 AM
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I stayed for 5 years of progressively worse "bad nights", belligerence, passing out all over the house, waking up me and the kids, dangerous, neglectful behavior.
Nothing I said or did showed my ex that I was "serious" because he was (and still is) in such massive denial. When I finally left and he invented a narrative about why that had nothing to do with alcohol. He recently fought me in court over unsupervised visits with our son and lost. He has a long list of requirements to satisfy- alcohol treatment, etc. before any visits take place. He is acting like it never happened and saying things like, "I'll see DS this summer for 6 weeks" with no mention of the restrictions or following the court order. If I had stayed where I was, we would still be caught in the same back and forth dance, me making threats, maybe taking the kids to stay with his parents for a few days after a really bad incident, his dad dragging him to an AA meeting here and there.
When you say you're "serious about not putting up with this anymore" what does that actually mean? Are you planning to leave or divorce him? Part of the reason my ex never took my threats seriously is because they were empty ones. I said I was "done" thousands of times, threatened to leave thousands more. But I only followed through once. All of my threats were really just attempts to manipulate him into treatment. I didn't want or intend to actually leave, I just wanted him to get help. He didn't want to do that and had no intention of changing. I finally had to start making plans for myself and my children that didn't involve him getting sober, because it wasn't something I could count on and I had to stop acting like it was inevitable.
Have you looked into attending Al-Anon meetings? That's a good place to find support from people who are or have been in your shoes. It's free and many areas have at least one meeting every day so you can try several different ones. I know that having very young children and being pregnant while living with alcoholism is a nightmare. I hope you're able to get some real life support in addition to this site.
Glad you reached out here. Please keep reading and posting.
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:04 AM
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just want to know what I can do to show him I'm serious about not putting up with this anymore.

I think you already have. You said "He had a bad night in October and I told him to get it together by December or I'm done". Are you done? The problem here is you can't make him do anything, so you have to be the one to "do" things. You could ry setting a boundary that you won't have him drink in the house. You could try and set a boundary that if he does this or that one more time then you will do this or that one more time.

At the end of the day when you live with an active alcoholic, really, the only thing you can do if you don't like it, is leave it. Since you have already said if he didn't get it together by December that you would be "done" you need to be done. Otherwise you are making false statements, and become like the boy who cries "wolf". If you aren't prepared to leave then I suggest you start going to Al Anon to get the support you need to deal with this in making decisions about your present, and future.

A word of advice NEVER, ever, utter a boundary unless you really mean it. If you do this time I suggest going to see an attorney and get your ducks in a row to prepare.
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:45 AM
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I agree, see a lawyer--no obligation and it can help a whole lot to know what your rights and obligations would be if you divorce.

Second, contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk to an advocate. It sounds to me as if his behavior puts you in fear (beyond just the fear of emotional upset from having to watch drunken behavior)--you might qualify for a protective order that would require him to leave. You are pregnant, you don't need the stress. You also have your young child to think about. This is terribly confusing and scary for a child, to live with this kind of behavior.

Hugs,
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:49 AM
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I just want to know what I can do to show him I'm serious about not putting up with this anymore.
YOU can show him you are serious by upholding your threat. Clean up by December or I'm done. If you are not done, you are showing him that you are NOT serious about it what so ever.

I can't imagine going through all that while pregnant. I am glad you found us - we understand, we've been there or are there, and there is a tone of support here because of it.

Do you have some local support for you? Can you get to an Alanon meeting? The only people you can help in your situation are you and your kiddos. Much love to you guys.
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Old 12-17-2015, 01:12 PM
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I agree with everyone because I know from personal experience. False threats are not advised, be prepared to carry out whatever to propose otherwise, you will NEVER be taken seriously. I cant can't the amount of times I told my AH to quit or I would leave....and never left. Then I would leave for a few days, maybe a few weeks , even a few months with the threat of not retunring until he got help. I was lonelier without him than he was without me (of course, because he had his first love home with him every time I left). He would say "why are you playing games, when are you coming home"? And always ended up coming back. By the time I realized I really leaving and not coming back until he decided to get help I was already considered "the girl who cried wolf". I was out of my apt for 7 months before my AH decided to check into rehab, he swore every week and month that passed that I was would soon return home but this time I was serious!! He was sober for a year after returning....fast forward 2 years later-I've been physically separated for a year and I filed for divorce last week.

You're on your second child, I too have have 2 children with my AH. All situations are different but one thing that I can tell you is that it is a progressive disease. I have watched my AH's drinking slow down many times but then it always picks back up sooner or later. With another child to take care the stress level will increase for the both of you and that may increase his drinking as well. Get help for yourself and don't make false threats....

My prayers go out to you and your family. I can relate to your situation, feel free to private message me if you like.
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Old 12-17-2015, 03:49 PM
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Lady wrote every word I have....spot on. Tgere is nothing you can do to show him. He has to have eyes to SEE.
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Old 12-17-2015, 04:44 PM
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Very, very respectfully I would suggest that the following is not anything like functioning at all. I was exactly where you are now for years-- this is pure, 100 percent, alcoholism and IMHO it's going to get worse-- much worse. Alcoholics are alcoholics-- calling it functioning, in my opinion, is simply a way to make it seem it's not as bad as it really is.

Please consider starting Alanon meetings which are for people who love, or have loved, alcoholics. Though I am not religious at all, and don't consider myself spiritual either, and I sure as heck do not believe in God, Alanon still saved my life.

Originally Posted by Lmantis View Post
In the last two years, since our son has been born, he's cut down on going out dramatically but the issue is 100 percent of the time that he does drink he becomes belligerently drunk to the point where he cannot take care of himself and I find him passed out on the porch, toilet, or kitchen floor. He did well but since December 1 he's come home belligerent once and I found him this morning drunk on the driveway at 6am.
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Old 12-17-2015, 04:51 PM
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Welcome to SR. ((((hugs))))

Congratulations on your pregnancy, your little one, and caring so much about your children.

When I first arrived here, I thought that for me to be okay, and life with my husband to be okay, he needed to stop drinking.

After my husband went through two rounds of addiction rehab, I found that getting sober was only the tip of the iceberg. What I wasn't seeing was my part in things and that I could step off the merry-go-round while still being married. It wasn't the black and white my mind saw. So much of what he says and does are direct symptoms of this disease. Those symptoms distracted me from what I could be doing to help myself and our family. This disease lies to my husband as much as it's lied to me, daily, in many ways.

Thankfully, I kept hearing here how beneficial Alanon was to many people and I finally started going to meetings... then I started going regularly... then when I was ready, I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I could have started my healing process sooner had I been ready sooner, but as an alcoholic can't be forced to "be ready", I couldn't be forced into finding my own recovery from this Family Disease of Alcoholism any sooner than I did. Going to meetings was at first very hard for me. I am now a very grateful member of Alanon.

I no longer am anxious. I no longer have a binding tightness in my chest. My healthy is improving. I'm happy very often and can let myself feel whatever feelings come without being overwhelmed or hurt by them. I now have self-confidence, enjoy my job and family, and have learned how to surround myself with healthy support. Best of all, because of SR and Alanon, I'm becoming a much better parent.

My husband is currently in recovery and taking his sobriety one day at a time (we're both finding how beneficial this is). The past few months he was finding his bottom and I was able to lovingly, compassionately, let him. This disease is so very counter-intuitive to anything I could have, or did try to, come up with the solution for both on my own and with many doctors, family and friends. The people in AA and Alanon understand in ways I couldn't until I started actually working the program. I take the actions for myself, and good things happen, not dependent on whether my husband is sober, drinking or in recovery.

Looking back, I don't know why I was so resistant to going to Alanon. I wanted to make sense of it before I went and thought I could find everything I needed online and within my immediate family and circle of friends. I'm glad I finally gave it a good try and kept going back. Thank you to all here at SR who encouraged me in that!

I found that posting here and attending in-person Alanon meetings to be a huge help, and that I didn't need to do anything until/when/if I was ready, and that I could change my mind without causing any problems that couldn't somehow still work themselves out. Easy does it. One day at a time. Life does get better and there is hope.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-al-anon.html

http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
http://al-anon.org/about-group-meeti...f-im-not-ready
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Old 12-17-2015, 05:25 PM
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Firstly, good luck in the pursuit of life without alcoholism, young lady. Things may seem insurmountable, right now. But doors will no doubt open as you step in front of them. I'm here, tonight, just like you- looking for courage and a way out of the constant drama that comes with being married to an alcoholic. I'm the man in the family. But, my problems are probably very similar to yours with the exception of having dependents...I have none.
Thank you, Cyranoak, for your comments. It's true that the word "functioning" isn't accurate at all. It's like calling the normal and sometimes drastic changes in earth's climate, "climate change." There is no "functionality" to alcoholism. I should have left, long ago. And, you can...WE can do it: leave, that is.
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Old 12-17-2015, 05:57 PM
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Welcome to the board Lmantis, sorry you had to find yourself here but WE ARE HERE WITH YOU so take a deep breath and read.

Once you have read around this site and especially the stickies on the top of the forum you will have a more clear idea of what you are dealing with. I am so sorry you are having to go thru this while pregnant. This should be a stress free and happy time for you! A few of the ladies have already suggested Alanon, that's a great idea if you are able to get there. You will find so much support from people like you, like us, that are going thru the same thing.
Bottom line, you cannot help your husband unless he is willing to help himself and even then it's a one person job. Finding him passed out is completely unacceptable and will only get worse in time. I want to you ask yourself: is this the kind of behavior you want around your young children? Is this the example you want set for them as what a father should look like? What kind of advise would you be giving to your sister or best friend if they would come to you with this problem?
Please be kind to yourself... Pregnancy and stress are not a good combination. We are here for you so please keep posting.
Big Hug to you!
Ro
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