ladyscribbler

Ran into a bit of trouble last night putting my expectations onto someone else. All those thoughts that go through my head. If it was ME I would want x,y,z.
But it's not me.
DS6 is going to visit xa's parents over Christmas break. If it was ME I would want to know that so I could make the 30 minute drive see my son who lives 750 miles away the rest of the year. I know that DS6 would like to see him as well.
XA's dad stopped by their house and told the wife about the visit, so they weren't sure if he got the message. She acts as kind of a human shield between him and reality. I got the OK from them and texted about the visit. XA's wife sent back a weird reply about the state police, so again, I wasn't sure if he got the message.
Then last night DS6 was crying about missing his dad, so I let him call. After they were done talking, I spoke to my ex about the Christmas visit, told him he was welcome to go to his parents' and see DS. He told me to go F myself and hung up the phone.
And so I got the message. There was a time when I really would have been steaming mad about something like this, but I just feel such pity for this shell of a man that he's become. What a horrible way to live.
I will continue to follow the court order, but this is the last time I will extend myself like that, even for our son's sake. XA doesn't want or need me to do that.

dandylion

lady.....I think it takes a while to "learn" the difference between what is reasonable to expect from normal behaving people and those who are in addiction (or otherwise f...d up).

As with a lot of people, I had it bread into me--the golden rules......."Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" "turn the other cheek" "tis always better to give than to receive".....etc.......
And, I believe the narcissist is the hardest of all to learn......"extend your hand and they will take your arm"........

You are learning, ladyscribbler.......

You can use this material to write your sitcom, one day......(wink)

dandylion

Liveitwell

Wow do I know what this feels like. It's sad when REALITY is you must let go if any and all expectations that he will behave like a rational good human being. Sure he may act that way (as you saw how he acted in court) but his actions over time prove he is a POS that I am glad does not get to see his son on Christmas-his own actions caused that. He keeps digging his hole. Lady-I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Many hugs and peace to you and your son.

atalose

Someone shared this a long time ago…………..keep your expectations high on achievements and low on people. Took me a while to grasp that but after enough disappointments it’s sunk in.

FireSprite

You know, I've found myself tripping over expectations these last couple of weeks too. Not just my expectations of others, but also their expectations of me. I wonder if the holidays just brings it out somehow - I know I tend to get "squishy" emotionally at this time of year so I guess it's easy to let my guard down when I'm feeling that way.

Seems INSANE to consider him wanting to see his own son to be an UNreasonable expectation.

(((((Hugs))))) That would upset me too LS

Lilro

He's a dic%... Sorry, that's all I've got!

Hugs to you lady!!

LexieCat

WTF is she talking about, state police?

He's just mad because you showed everyone in court what a lying jerk he is. Maybe he will go see your son and he just didn't want to have to show any appreciation for your concern. Next time, I'd let his folks do any communicating about the visit. Let them deal with their big baby.

Liveitwell

^^ yep. Exactly what lady said. Boo hoo for the big lying baby.

SeriousKarma

I know you've got your head and heart in the right place, but anytime someone you used to love tells you to "go F yourself" it hurts.

Sorry you had to deal with that, hon. Lilro's right. He's a dic%.

Cyranoak

Years ago someone told me that expectations are really just baby resentments. My experiences since then have proven this true-- at least in my life.