prepping myself for the end
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prepping myself for the end
I just need to say first, that in some other thread there was a misunderstanding about what I was saying about my bf's relapse. I wrote "relapse" with quotation marks to insinuate that I was talking loosely about it.... because of how he had portrayed it me. He called them "slips". I have a terribly bad habit of expecting my audience here on SR to get my sarcasm. So... sorry 
Make no mistake, I knew then that it is a real relapse.
I hate to make my posts about him anymore... but it is relevant to the fact that I am so very close to walking away from this relationship. He has a brother... who is also an alcoholic. This brother recently threatened his ex gf with suicide and she called the cops on him. So now, with brother being in psych ward, it has given my bf yet another "reason" (which we all know is really an excuse) to drink even more. And the two of them have now got it in their heads that they should move in together and work on sobriety together....
This is probably a really bad idea. But all that aside, my bf is looking at this idea of moving in with his brother as a way to solve the problem that he is about to be out of the military and won't have a job. He plans on going to school. Which is great. But he won't make enough money going to school to pay for all of his bills, plus child support, plus renting a room for 600 a month plus food and gas. And so moving in with his brother would be free. And, his brother lives almost 3 hours from my house now. And... my bf expects that this is somehow going to work with us.
So last night... I spoke on the phone with him, and he was sober and having a good night and later, I get this weird text with tons of misspelled words and I simply pointed that out and well... the beast was about to have a field day. My bf and I... we don't fight. We don't talk nasty to one another... But when he is drunk and in one of those negative modes, he becomes defensive over things that are not being said. I'm sure you can relate. It was another incoherent conversation. As soon as I realized what was going on, I said Goodnight and shut my phone off.
And I woke up this morning realizing that the very thing I knew was bound to happen was that we would end up back here eventually due to his drinking; we have ended up back to where I am angry over his behavior with me.
I woke up this morning angry. Which is good. Anger is a good motivator. I woke up this morning knowing and ready to say that "I don't deserve this. This is NOT what I signed up for."
I kinda feel like I've waited for his nonsense to be done for long enough. All the way back to January when I first broke up with him, and the promises that he'd get sober, and then he finally did while on deployment and then relapsed shortly after coming home.... and now... he sees his on-base substance abuse counselor twice a week, goes to on-base meetings once a week, and does two outside meetings every week, and even has a sponsor. AND ALL OF IT isn't worth a lick because he STILL isn't ready to work the steps or use his tools. Amazing. Meh... I knew better anyway... You don't just go to AA and "get better". I have been pretty real about the fact that he could linger like this for months, or even years still not truly working a program. And I have been good at not forcing any of this on him or prying. This has ALL come from him; it's been his decision.
But I'm beginning to get the feeling that it is all for show, maybe for his lawyers? Idk...
Maybe it is planting a seed... who knows... But I just can't sit and be okay with a life of waiting... I made it clear to him that we can't move in together until he has been sober for quite some time, and THAT decision has saved me a ton of grief! But now what...? I just wait on him to figure it out? I am madly in love with this man, and he is not so lost to this addiction that we don't have some real quality relationship substance going on. There is SO MUCH that begs me to stay with him.
But I just feel so done with it all. Like toast left in the toaster too long. Like waiting for three hours for a table at a restaurant and you're starving. Like the red light that I've been stuck at for 5 minutes, not to mention the train, and then the ducks crossing the road, and I begin to regret not taking the other street.
I knew this was coming. I had to wait till this boiled up in me, or I'd be making empty promises. Not sure what to do different this time except to either go NC, or simply tell him "this is it, you either choose me or the booze" (which I have never said to him; I don't expect him to choose me). I just don't know how to go about this, but I know I want this. I want this to end... I didn't sign up for this. I deserve better.
I haven't spoken to him all day. I have ignored his texts since last night. The ones at midnight, and then at 1 AM and then at 2 AM, and then the goodmorning text that tried to make his other texts seem sane, and then the one that admitted to his drinking and how he sought some professional help for it today, and then the one that apologized for his behavior last night, and then the one that simply said goodnight. He's smart enough to put two and two together....
Make no mistake, I knew then that it is a real relapse. I hate to make my posts about him anymore... but it is relevant to the fact that I am so very close to walking away from this relationship. He has a brother... who is also an alcoholic. This brother recently threatened his ex gf with suicide and she called the cops on him. So now, with brother being in psych ward, it has given my bf yet another "reason" (which we all know is really an excuse) to drink even more. And the two of them have now got it in their heads that they should move in together and work on sobriety together....
This is probably a really bad idea. But all that aside, my bf is looking at this idea of moving in with his brother as a way to solve the problem that he is about to be out of the military and won't have a job. He plans on going to school. Which is great. But he won't make enough money going to school to pay for all of his bills, plus child support, plus renting a room for 600 a month plus food and gas. And so moving in with his brother would be free. And, his brother lives almost 3 hours from my house now. And... my bf expects that this is somehow going to work with us.
So last night... I spoke on the phone with him, and he was sober and having a good night and later, I get this weird text with tons of misspelled words and I simply pointed that out and well... the beast was about to have a field day. My bf and I... we don't fight. We don't talk nasty to one another... But when he is drunk and in one of those negative modes, he becomes defensive over things that are not being said. I'm sure you can relate. It was another incoherent conversation. As soon as I realized what was going on, I said Goodnight and shut my phone off.
And I woke up this morning realizing that the very thing I knew was bound to happen was that we would end up back here eventually due to his drinking; we have ended up back to where I am angry over his behavior with me.
I woke up this morning angry. Which is good. Anger is a good motivator. I woke up this morning knowing and ready to say that "I don't deserve this. This is NOT what I signed up for."
I kinda feel like I've waited for his nonsense to be done for long enough. All the way back to January when I first broke up with him, and the promises that he'd get sober, and then he finally did while on deployment and then relapsed shortly after coming home.... and now... he sees his on-base substance abuse counselor twice a week, goes to on-base meetings once a week, and does two outside meetings every week, and even has a sponsor. AND ALL OF IT isn't worth a lick because he STILL isn't ready to work the steps or use his tools. Amazing. Meh... I knew better anyway... You don't just go to AA and "get better". I have been pretty real about the fact that he could linger like this for months, or even years still not truly working a program. And I have been good at not forcing any of this on him or prying. This has ALL come from him; it's been his decision.
But I'm beginning to get the feeling that it is all for show, maybe for his lawyers? Idk...
Maybe it is planting a seed... who knows... But I just can't sit and be okay with a life of waiting... I made it clear to him that we can't move in together until he has been sober for quite some time, and THAT decision has saved me a ton of grief! But now what...? I just wait on him to figure it out? I am madly in love with this man, and he is not so lost to this addiction that we don't have some real quality relationship substance going on. There is SO MUCH that begs me to stay with him.
But I just feel so done with it all. Like toast left in the toaster too long. Like waiting for three hours for a table at a restaurant and you're starving. Like the red light that I've been stuck at for 5 minutes, not to mention the train, and then the ducks crossing the road, and I begin to regret not taking the other street.
I knew this was coming. I had to wait till this boiled up in me, or I'd be making empty promises. Not sure what to do different this time except to either go NC, or simply tell him "this is it, you either choose me or the booze" (which I have never said to him; I don't expect him to choose me). I just don't know how to go about this, but I know I want this. I want this to end... I didn't sign up for this. I deserve better.
I haven't spoken to him all day. I have ignored his texts since last night. The ones at midnight, and then at 1 AM and then at 2 AM, and then the goodmorning text that tried to make his other texts seem sane, and then the one that admitted to his drinking and how he sought some professional help for it today, and then the one that apologized for his behavior last night, and then the one that simply said goodnight. He's smart enough to put two and two together....
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Wow, LG, I know it doesn't feel very good, but I think you have come to a place of real clarity. It sounds to me like you're ready and determined to find a way to get yourself unstuck. I think you have the willpower to make it happen.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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LemonGirl.....I think that there eventually comes a tipping point.....where the good times are not enough to make up for the sheer misery of the other times...
About making the boundary "(you) choose either me or the alcohol".......instead of asking for him to do an action (basically an ultimatum or a standard that you are setting for him)........how about----"I am not living with the alcoholism any more".......This makes it about you and your boundary, only. It keeps it on his side of the street. And....you on your side of the street.....
Did you ever think about what it would be like to be in a relationship where there was continuous trust and respect, and where you didn't have to turn yourself into a pretzel just to keep it together........?
Maybe, fantasize about what that would be like.......
dandylion
About making the boundary "(you) choose either me or the alcohol".......instead of asking for him to do an action (basically an ultimatum or a standard that you are setting for him)........how about----"I am not living with the alcoholism any more".......This makes it about you and your boundary, only. It keeps it on his side of the street. And....you on your side of the street.....
Did you ever think about what it would be like to be in a relationship where there was continuous trust and respect, and where you didn't have to turn yourself into a pretzel just to keep it together........?
Maybe, fantasize about what that would be like.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Ultimatims just don't work, or they work for a little while for the wrong reasons.
He doesn't want to quit for himself or his career, so trying to "make" him quit for you will backfire in the long run.
I'm sorry he isn't willing to get sober for him, and I agree it doesn't make sense
to simply wait for him to get it together because he isn't.
He doesn't want to quit for himself or his career, so trying to "make" him quit for you will backfire in the long run.
I'm sorry he isn't willing to get sober for him, and I agree it doesn't make sense
to simply wait for him to get it together because he isn't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's pretty predictable what will happen if you ask him to choose between you and the alcohol. He'll choose you. And he'll maybe stay dry for a while. It will go pretty much the way it did when he promised you he'd get sober while on deployment.
I wouldn't necessarily say that his moving in with his brother is doomed to disaster. Some of the early members of AA found that when they tried to help someone else, they stayed sober, themselves. Of course, they COULD just spiral down together.
Either way, though, YOU do deserve better. If you're ready to be done, be done. Your happy future might be waiting for you out there.
I wouldn't necessarily say that his moving in with his brother is doomed to disaster. Some of the early members of AA found that when they tried to help someone else, they stayed sober, themselves. Of course, they COULD just spiral down together.
Either way, though, YOU do deserve better. If you're ready to be done, be done. Your happy future might be waiting for you out there.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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I'm sorry, lemon girl. You have your head on straight and know how this will go for him. You've given plenty of chances-you definitely owe it to yourself to not have "one more time" and take care of yourself without any drunk drama. Peace to you, friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you everyone for your support!
Dandy, I really like your idea... it keeps the focus on me. I'll try to come up with something and then say that to him. I didn't realize I was pretzelizing myself! Lol.... It felt like: he's sober so yay. And then, oh man, he's still drinking... and I've learned to get on with my day and not flip out on him; I've left his drinking basically as his business. I would say that I knew he drank, and more and more often he'd open up to me. But after two-three weeks of this, my future trippin would get the best of me and I'd begin to worry about him never quitting and me just waiting longer and longer. Guess it's time to be real with myself that I CANNOT accept this... that it is my inner self screaming my boundaries.
I don't know how long this will take me to actually do. It's the holidays, we have a ton of family plans, and my sister and brother are out visiting and I just don't like the idea of being a walking water factory while they are here... I'll check in soon friends! I am still going to Alanon. I plan on hitting a few extra meetings during Christmas vacation :-)
Dandy, I really like your idea... it keeps the focus on me. I'll try to come up with something and then say that to him. I didn't realize I was pretzelizing myself! Lol.... It felt like: he's sober so yay. And then, oh man, he's still drinking... and I've learned to get on with my day and not flip out on him; I've left his drinking basically as his business. I would say that I knew he drank, and more and more often he'd open up to me. But after two-three weeks of this, my future trippin would get the best of me and I'd begin to worry about him never quitting and me just waiting longer and longer. Guess it's time to be real with myself that I CANNOT accept this... that it is my inner self screaming my boundaries.
I don't know how long this will take me to actually do. It's the holidays, we have a ton of family plans, and my sister and brother are out visiting and I just don't like the idea of being a walking water factory while they are here... I'll check in soon friends! I am still going to Alanon. I plan on hitting a few extra meetings during Christmas vacation :-)
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It recently occurred to me that in 24 years of AA I've probably heard over one thousand "qualifications" (alcoholics speaking about their experience and how they stopped drinking). Not once did I ever hear an alcoholic say they stopped because of an ultimatum or because of the misery they caused those around them. As mentioned, he may say he'll stop but I certainly wouldn't count on it.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
It recently occurred to me that in 24 years of AA I've probably heard over one thousand "qualifications" (alcoholics speaking about their experience and how they stopped drinking). Not once did I ever hear an alcoholic say they stopped because of an ultimatum or because of the misery they caused those around them. As mentioned, he may say he'll stop but I certainly wouldn't count on it.
I actually think that my leaving will be yet another "reason" for him to drink.... another excuse. Ugh... my heart hurts for him.
He has told me over the past few weeks that be can't wait to go to treatment. He is scheduled to go at the end of January and it is 35 days where he and I won't have any contact.... which is fine.
Ho hum....
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(((LG)))
Just so you know, going NC IS saying "I am no longer allowing you to choose alcohol above me."
Everything is a reason to drink for an alcoholic - she left, it's monday, boo, it's friday yay....on and on, and no matter how hard we try to not let it, it will bleed onto our lives. At some point, we just decide we want to be healthier than that, and it sounds like you're about there. Peace and confidence in your decisions - you deserve much, much more.
Just so you know, going NC IS saying "I am no longer allowing you to choose alcohol above me."
Everything is a reason to drink for an alcoholic - she left, it's monday, boo, it's friday yay....on and on, and no matter how hard we try to not let it, it will bleed onto our lives. At some point, we just decide we want to be healthier than that, and it sounds like you're about there. Peace and confidence in your decisions - you deserve much, much more.
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Thanks for the update LG, I am sorry I got off track in your older thread. I'm good at triggering myself at the best of times... I like your approach- intentionally making the change when it was finally really clear that change was needed.
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Originally Posted by schnappi99
Thanks for the update LG, I am sorry I got off track in your older thread. I'm good at triggering myself at the best of times... I like your approach- intentionally making the change when it was finally really clear that change was needed.
No worries! I'm probably responsible for the misunderstanding. All of us are dealing with so much and are trying to navigate this messy business. I'm sorry if I came off cross; everything is fine :-)
Thanx to commenting!
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