Guidance Needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1
Guidance Needed
I'm writing because I am at my wits end. I have an alcoholic son who was dropped off here basically by the VA after he completed another round of treatment. He's been here for over two weeks and this will be his fourth alcoholic binge. He Is destroying my family room in my home and basically smoking and drinking big bottles of vodka nonstop. He is 41 and spent 18 years in the military and now has no home. I am a 61 -year-old woman with my own home and a good job. He refuses to quit drinking and I feel that my son is going to die. He refuses to quit drinking and go back for longer treatment. My family and friends refuse to come over because of his drinking. I know the right thing to do would be to call the police and have protection order put in place but I am afraid for him. Alcohol is all that he wants. What can I do? Am I just enabling him?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi welcome to the forum. I am glad you are here. Your home, your rules. If you don't want smoking and drinking in your house you must put your foot down and insist it stops. He is perfectly capable of living on his own. Make him.
A longer stint in rehab won't help him if he doesn't want to get better. As heartbreaking as it is if he wants to waste his life than you must let him. However, you don't have to witness it. A protection order isn't necessary unless you fear him. You can simply evict him.
It is possible he will drink himself to death. Alcoholics do. But it wouldn't be your fault and it doesn't have to happen in your home. It is also possible that if your son is forced to deal with the consequences of his drinking he may finally seek sobriety on his own
A longer stint in rehab won't help him if he doesn't want to get better. As heartbreaking as it is if he wants to waste his life than you must let him. However, you don't have to witness it. A protection order isn't necessary unless you fear him. You can simply evict him.
It is possible he will drink himself to death. Alcoholics do. But it wouldn't be your fault and it doesn't have to happen in your home. It is also possible that if your son is forced to deal with the consequences of his drinking he may finally seek sobriety on his own
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Lincoln,
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Well, you are providing him with a safe and comfortable place to indulge his addiction. Does that feel like enabling? Moreover, your providing that place isn't helping him to stay sober, is it? If he's going to drink himself to death, do you really want a front-row seat to watch his decline? I know it's difficult when it's your child, but there is nothing you can do for him until HE decides he's done.
You are entitled to peace in your house, and to share it with family and friends. It sounds like a bad trade-off to sacrifice that for someone who is taking advantage of you and unwilling to accept help.
Have you been to Al-Anon? I really, really recommend it.
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Well, you are providing him with a safe and comfortable place to indulge his addiction. Does that feel like enabling? Moreover, your providing that place isn't helping him to stay sober, is it? If he's going to drink himself to death, do you really want a front-row seat to watch his decline? I know it's difficult when it's your child, but there is nothing you can do for him until HE decides he's done.
You are entitled to peace in your house, and to share it with family and friends. It sounds like a bad trade-off to sacrifice that for someone who is taking advantage of you and unwilling to accept help.
Have you been to Al-Anon? I really, really recommend it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. The anxiety and grief this must give you has to be overwhelming. I am glad you are here.
You have a right to form strict rules for your own home. He can abide by those, or go. If you are scared of him, you may have to have the police or someone you trust extract him from your home.
I would get a list together of every homeless shelter, rehab, social service available to him within a 100 mile radius, print it out, and give it to him. Let him know he can abide by your rules, or he can leave. You absolutely have the right to have peace in your own home.
I second, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery may be a good place for you to get face to face support for yourself.
Many hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone.
You have a right to form strict rules for your own home. He can abide by those, or go. If you are scared of him, you may have to have the police or someone you trust extract him from your home.
I would get a list together of every homeless shelter, rehab, social service available to him within a 100 mile radius, print it out, and give it to him. Let him know he can abide by your rules, or he can leave. You absolutely have the right to have peace in your own home.
I second, Alanon or Celebrate Recovery may be a good place for you to get face to face support for yourself.
Many hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome and good for you for reaching out. Yes, you have made it to easy for him. He is using you, like all addicts use their enablers, you are not alone. If you want it to stop you have to stop it. Set down rules and follow through. Tell him what you want, get a job, start paying rent, stop drinking and smoking in your home, no alcohol in your home, what ever you want, it is your home.
Then you need a time frame. I would give him a time frame to either move out or follow your rules.... a week, 2 weeks or a month. What ever you want. He has had many chances with you, but you have never followed through. If you threaten something you have to have a plan to execute it. This is what is going to happen. Put it in writting, keep a copy or you could have him sign it so he understands what you are asking of him.
This way if he doesn't follow through and you have to have the police remove him from the home, you have a paper that he signed and new what was expected. This will be very hard for you, but nothing is going to change, and he will continue to drink with your "permission". He might end up homeless, but this could be the "rock bottom" that he needs to hit to get sober, you never know.
Hugs my friend and don't threaten something that you have no intention on following through with.
Then you need a time frame. I would give him a time frame to either move out or follow your rules.... a week, 2 weeks or a month. What ever you want. He has had many chances with you, but you have never followed through. If you threaten something you have to have a plan to execute it. This is what is going to happen. Put it in writting, keep a copy or you could have him sign it so he understands what you are asking of him.
This way if he doesn't follow through and you have to have the police remove him from the home, you have a paper that he signed and new what was expected. This will be very hard for you, but nothing is going to change, and he will continue to drink with your "permission". He might end up homeless, but this could be the "rock bottom" that he needs to hit to get sober, you never know.
Hugs my friend and don't threaten something that you have no intention on following through with.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Lincoln, don't focus on the drinking because that's his business, and you can't stop him. He might seriously damage his health, but he's doing that anyway.
Focus on your right to have your home and peace respected. Ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, then maybe family members could talk to him, or in the worst case you could call the police to help. Make it plain to him that you won't take no for an answer. He will plead for time, and if you must, give him a deadline by which time you need him gone. This may be doing him a big favour by taking him out of his comfortable drinking place.
You haven't worked this hard to have your peace disrupted, but you have to stick up for yourself. I'm sorry, this must be so distressing for you.
Focus on your right to have your home and peace respected. Ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, then maybe family members could talk to him, or in the worst case you could call the police to help. Make it plain to him that you won't take no for an answer. He will plead for time, and if you must, give him a deadline by which time you need him gone. This may be doing him a big favour by taking him out of his comfortable drinking place.
You haven't worked this hard to have your peace disrupted, but you have to stick up for yourself. I'm sorry, this must be so distressing for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lincoln.....can we assume that he is getting veterans' benefits?
Many parents have had to put their child out (I have). They do not get better while living in the parent's home....and having a place to comfortably drink. I have never...ever....seen it happen!
Yes, I will answer your question....gently, because I know that you love him so much.....but, this is enabling him. I know it was/is not your intention.....but, it still is.......
They have so much more ability to survive that you realize.
They are also more willing to suffer in order to continue drinking than you realize......willing to live under bridges, etc. in order to continue to drink.....
He is tougher than you are, in reality......
Mom......please get help and support for yourself....as it is harder on you than him. He has alcohol to smooth it all over...you don't......
If you don't direct him out of your home....it will only get worse ......that I can promise you.....
This might well be the hardest think you have ever had to face or do.....(it was for me)....but, you don't have the luxury of not doing it.....
My son is doing very well, right now....in AA and making his own way...and our relationship is good.....but, it wasn't overnight....he hit bottom for a while.....
dandylion
Many parents have had to put their child out (I have). They do not get better while living in the parent's home....and having a place to comfortably drink. I have never...ever....seen it happen!
Yes, I will answer your question....gently, because I know that you love him so much.....but, this is enabling him. I know it was/is not your intention.....but, it still is.......
They have so much more ability to survive that you realize.
They are also more willing to suffer in order to continue drinking than you realize......willing to live under bridges, etc. in order to continue to drink.....
He is tougher than you are, in reality......
Mom......please get help and support for yourself....as it is harder on you than him. He has alcohol to smooth it all over...you don't......
If you don't direct him out of your home....it will only get worse ......that I can promise you.....
This might well be the hardest think you have ever had to face or do.....(it was for me)....but, you don't have the luxury of not doing it.....
My son is doing very well, right now....in AA and making his own way...and our relationship is good.....but, it wasn't overnight....he hit bottom for a while.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You deserve peace and safety in your own home. As a veteran your son has a pretty big safety net available to him, but he will probably not reach out for help as long as you are providing him with a comfortable place to engage in his addiction.
I'm not criticizing you. I went around in circles with my ex, wondering why he wouldn't go get help when it was right there, then cleaning up all of his messes and continuing to enable his drinking behavior. That made both of us miserable and it didn't "save" him from anything except negative consequences that might have prompted him to seek help.
Al-Anon meetings and finding a place to live away from his alcoholism helped me (it was his house). http://al-anon.org/
The VA can help him. They have a pretty comprehensive set of resources to combat homelessness and substance abuse. I receive free mental health counseling for PTSD and medical care through my local VA satellite clinic.
Veterans Benefits Administration Home
I'm not criticizing you. I went around in circles with my ex, wondering why he wouldn't go get help when it was right there, then cleaning up all of his messes and continuing to enable his drinking behavior. That made both of us miserable and it didn't "save" him from anything except negative consequences that might have prompted him to seek help.
Al-Anon meetings and finding a place to live away from his alcoholism helped me (it was his house). http://al-anon.org/
The VA can help him. They have a pretty comprehensive set of resources to combat homelessness and substance abuse. I receive free mental health counseling for PTSD and medical care through my local VA satellite clinic.
Veterans Benefits Administration Home
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You can tell him that his “visit” is over and it’s time for him to leave. Should he become violent breaking and throwing things, call the police.
No long deadline date, simple stick to “your visit” is over now it’s time to leave.
I certainly don’t think you are intentionally enabling him or intentionally alienating the rest of your family and friends but both things are happening and making you very upset.
Tuff love certainly doesn’t feel very loving but truly it is. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there with my own son who I sent packing.
No long deadline date, simple stick to “your visit” is over now it’s time to leave.
I certainly don’t think you are intentionally enabling him or intentionally alienating the rest of your family and friends but both things are happening and making you very upset.
Tuff love certainly doesn’t feel very loving but truly it is. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there with my own son who I sent packing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
this is the toughest thing...to watch people we love slowly kill themselves. We did not cause it and cannot control it...we cannot decide for them. We do get to choose our own peace of mind and our own peaceful home.
As hard as it is to face: we, the family members, can love them to DEATH. Our only jurisdiction is to choose whether we love them to death and die with them....or choose our own serenity. Sounds simple, and it is, but not easy.
As hard as it is to face: we, the family members, can love them to DEATH. Our only jurisdiction is to choose whether we love them to death and die with them....or choose our own serenity. Sounds simple, and it is, but not easy.
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