DD & the insidious damage of being the child of an addict
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DD & the insidious damage of being the child of an addict
I am thankful for many reasons that I just finished Brene Brown's most recent book, Rising Strong. Mostly though, I'm so happy to have a name for a reaction I saw from DD last night, because it came out of left field.
Chandeliering. It's a term introduced to her by her husband, a pediatrician. It describes the reaction when a person's pain is so intense that the slightest touch causes the person to jump "as high as the chandelier" in response. A pain you can't hide or minimize or deny.
She uses the term to describe the same affect happening from stuffing our emotional pain - that sometimes an unexpected trigger comes along & the reaction is so much larger than the triggering event, because it's fueled by all the buried like-kind emotions it set off. I'm so happy that I knew of the term/phenomenon so that I could recognize it when I saw it.
RAH & I got into a fight last night - I'd prefer to say argument because the word "fight" to me always implies some kind of physical interaction & we are only verbal - but the intensity of it was definitely that of a Fight, not an Argument. It came down to him being insensitive, me being out of patience & in need of support myself - not really caring about his POV & I was furious because his crap spilled over to DD this time & hurt her feelings. I should have, but couldn't, bring myself to walk away because it was an outrageous argument & it's been so long since he was THAT irrational, I thought I must be missing something....
In the middle of a very loud, heated argument, I suddenly heard a 3rd voice hitting a pitch I have never, ever heard. DD had walked into the room behind me & gone OFF. She has never reacted during an argument before & I think this time, she felt safe enough to allow herself to feel her real emotions..... but hearing it triggered all the repressed emotions under it, like a geyser. She was horrified & scared at her own over-reaction. She was shocked that she still had so much buried inside, that all the recovery-talk, all the awareness in the world didn't stop her from having a knee-jerk reaction to a trigger. And she was so fearful that she was now in trouble for jumping in the middle of us like that.
I'm happy that she's gotten an unexpected opportunity to heal. I'm happy that it has led to a lot of conversation even if it meant losing some sleep. I'm happy that I got to walk my talk & really sit with her in her discomfort & teach her that I can understand it but I can't take it away. I am thrilled to be able to validate for her over & over that she is entitled to have her own feelings about it all & neither of us needs to agree with her for it to be Real in Her World. It broke my heart feeling her little body shake & quake with all that adrenaline afterward.
It would have been so easy to step back & say hey, your reaction is too strong, you're over-the-top, you need to chill. You are WRONG for being so upset, DD. That would have been such a tragic error on my part & I likely would have compounded the damage by adding shame to the mix. This was no where near our worst argument or anything alcohol or recovery related, specifically. (although certainly this insensitivity is a recovery-growth point for him)
I'm mostly glad that RAH got to see first-hand what I've been trying to get him to understand - the damage to a child of an alcoholic isn't easy to see or diagnose & even the most well-rounded & centered kid ends up with residual ick to deal with for years & years to come.
Anyone who follows my posts knows that DD is, for the most part, a very balanced kid who does well in school, has incredible empathy with others & goes out of her way to show kindness to others. We talk recovery in our house a lot & we've talked real with her about addiction since she was 5. She's very educated & aware, but in that moment all she was only one simple thing: A hurting child.
Chandeliering. It's a term introduced to her by her husband, a pediatrician. It describes the reaction when a person's pain is so intense that the slightest touch causes the person to jump "as high as the chandelier" in response. A pain you can't hide or minimize or deny.
She uses the term to describe the same affect happening from stuffing our emotional pain - that sometimes an unexpected trigger comes along & the reaction is so much larger than the triggering event, because it's fueled by all the buried like-kind emotions it set off. I'm so happy that I knew of the term/phenomenon so that I could recognize it when I saw it.
RAH & I got into a fight last night - I'd prefer to say argument because the word "fight" to me always implies some kind of physical interaction & we are only verbal - but the intensity of it was definitely that of a Fight, not an Argument. It came down to him being insensitive, me being out of patience & in need of support myself - not really caring about his POV & I was furious because his crap spilled over to DD this time & hurt her feelings. I should have, but couldn't, bring myself to walk away because it was an outrageous argument & it's been so long since he was THAT irrational, I thought I must be missing something....
In the middle of a very loud, heated argument, I suddenly heard a 3rd voice hitting a pitch I have never, ever heard. DD had walked into the room behind me & gone OFF. She has never reacted during an argument before & I think this time, she felt safe enough to allow herself to feel her real emotions..... but hearing it triggered all the repressed emotions under it, like a geyser. She was horrified & scared at her own over-reaction. She was shocked that she still had so much buried inside, that all the recovery-talk, all the awareness in the world didn't stop her from having a knee-jerk reaction to a trigger. And she was so fearful that she was now in trouble for jumping in the middle of us like that.
I'm happy that she's gotten an unexpected opportunity to heal. I'm happy that it has led to a lot of conversation even if it meant losing some sleep. I'm happy that I got to walk my talk & really sit with her in her discomfort & teach her that I can understand it but I can't take it away. I am thrilled to be able to validate for her over & over that she is entitled to have her own feelings about it all & neither of us needs to agree with her for it to be Real in Her World. It broke my heart feeling her little body shake & quake with all that adrenaline afterward.
It would have been so easy to step back & say hey, your reaction is too strong, you're over-the-top, you need to chill. You are WRONG for being so upset, DD. That would have been such a tragic error on my part & I likely would have compounded the damage by adding shame to the mix. This was no where near our worst argument or anything alcohol or recovery related, specifically. (although certainly this insensitivity is a recovery-growth point for him)
I'm mostly glad that RAH got to see first-hand what I've been trying to get him to understand - the damage to a child of an alcoholic isn't easy to see or diagnose & even the most well-rounded & centered kid ends up with residual ick to deal with for years & years to come.
Anyone who follows my posts knows that DD is, for the most part, a very balanced kid who does well in school, has incredible empathy with others & goes out of her way to show kindness to others. We talk recovery in our house a lot & we've talked real with her about addiction since she was 5. She's very educated & aware, but in that moment all she was only one simple thing: A hurting child.
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What a great post, FS, and what a great example of putting Brene Brown's stuff to use! It sounds like you did a really top-notch job of embodying the things she talks about. I'm glad you and DD had that experience, for all that it was painful and frightening--I think you both learned a lot and it deepened your relationship as well as each of your self-knowledge.
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I also thank you for sharing FS. I am seeing some reactions come out in my 10 year old DD that I have not before, and I too believe it is b/c she feels safe enough in my home to do so, mixed with some hormone/sass mouth. She is normally a kind and gentle soul, but every now and then I see it.
I am glad your DD has you to walk this path with her.
XXX
I am glad your DD has you to walk this path with her.
XXX
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I also thank you for sharing FS. I am seeing some reactions come out in my 10 year old DD that I have not before, and I too believe it is b/c she feels safe enough in my home to do so, mixed with some hormone/sass mouth. She is normally a kind and gentle soul, but every now and then I see it.
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I'm mostly glad that RAH got to see first-hand what I've been trying to get him to understand - the damage to a child of an alcoholic isn't easy to see or diagnose & even the most well-rounded & centered kid ends up with residual ick to deal with for years & years to come.
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16 years later my RAW is still dealing with her guilt and shame because of the damage she and I caused while our daughter was growing up. She was four when RAW started drinking, and when I started trying to control it, her mother, and her all at the same time.
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Thank you FS. My DD is 12 and between the usual hormonal and social issues they face at that age I am seeing some things that have me concerned. Also that my reactions might be the wrong ones.
AH is coming home on Friday. DS is overjoyed....DD and I are apprehensive. I could see her response wasn't enthusiastic and when I asked her about it this was her reply..."I know this sounds selfish of me and I want him home but things are so much easier when he isn't here". I told her that I understand and feel that way a lot too. Her dad is a very intense person and can sometimes run the rest of us over. He has been learning new tools that will hopefully give him more patience and slow him down a bit. But that we also need to work on our response to his actions and how to detach (used different words but same meaning).
I think I'll check out that book and re-read your post a few times. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope that today brings a better day for you all.
AH is coming home on Friday. DS is overjoyed....DD and I are apprehensive. I could see her response wasn't enthusiastic and when I asked her about it this was her reply..."I know this sounds selfish of me and I want him home but things are so much easier when he isn't here". I told her that I understand and feel that way a lot too. Her dad is a very intense person and can sometimes run the rest of us over. He has been learning new tools that will hopefully give him more patience and slow him down a bit. But that we also need to work on our response to his actions and how to detach (used different words but same meaning).
I think I'll check out that book and re-read your post a few times. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope that today brings a better day for you all.
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Thanks for this insight, FS. I remember one time literally hyperventilating and having to jump out of our car, as a child, when my parents were having one of their myriad of arguments. I think it scared them a little, but not enough to do any personal or relational changes. Thank God, your little one has parents who care enough to work on personal introspection.
Chandeliering is a good term. I have seen it many times in myself, my husband and my sister (all of us being ACOAs.) Christmas time can be a big trigger time for us ACOAs, too.
Chandeliering is a good term. I have seen it many times in myself, my husband and my sister (all of us being ACOAs.) Christmas time can be a big trigger time for us ACOAs, too.
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Christmas is exactly what is triggering RAH into this recent state of ridiculousness. He went through the same thing, to a much more massive extent, last year. It makes sense because these 2 years have coincided with his true commitment to working his recovery. Things bother you more when you open your eyes & can't un-see them. Last year it culminated with him flying out of state to confront/get honest with his parents about the lifetime of emotional damage he suffered. I could see a definite difference in him after the big showdown, definitely an important step he needed to take. But during the holidays, while he was still trying to figure out wth was happening with him, he was insufferable & kind of just spinning out emotionally.
He's still got a lot of FOO work to do, tons. And I know he'll get there when he's ready. It starts with the Christmas cards arriving from the wicked witches (ahem, I mean his aunts). I can practically hear the audible click of the safety coming off the trigger the day they arrive.... and they ALWAYS arrive on the same day. Creepy. Then this year he ran into his cousin at the store & it knocked him sideways. They are not friends, this does not trigger happy family bonding moments or memories. Cousin is from out of town, had JUST arrived to see other family, the chances of them running into each other like that is crazy. RAH works across 3 counties, no telling where he'll be/when during his work day like that, he has zero control over it.
I'll tell you why this was so much more than just DD witnessing an argument. Even though it was completely different in context, the intensity of it triggered a PTSD reaction to those OLD arguments, the only ones she's ever really seen like that were during his drinking days. Like I said, I claim as much responsibility for this one, I definitely kept picking up that damn rope. No matter how wrong he was, stepping away from it before it escalated like that was completely within my control.
If I had already mentally worked through all of the above? Maybe I would have found it easier to step away but I was pretty well steeping in my own pot of selfish feelings at the moment. I wasn't taking the time in the heat of it all to wonder what in the world had set him off so? I told you all, remember? Angry to nuclear happens FAST for me! This is something I have got to get a handle on, absolutely.
But I know that this was a mama bear response too, like I said, her feelings were hurt & suddenly *I* was that 11-yr old girl again. Disappointed AGAIN at whatever *my* AF had done/not done/whatever. So I think my own reaction was probably a confusing slur of my injured inner child & my strong warrior woman just letting go.
All in all I am sure that we will all come out the other side stronger & healthier for this experience. It just serves as a perfect example of how you REALLY CAN NEVER KNOW who/what/when/in what combination the perfect storm of triggers can detonate. Especially in a family in recovery trying to heal from the same wounds - it's exactly the same as early recovery in that aspect. We ALL feel the impact, but it's different, personal, individualized to our own life experience.
He's still got a lot of FOO work to do, tons. And I know he'll get there when he's ready. It starts with the Christmas cards arriving from the wicked witches (ahem, I mean his aunts). I can practically hear the audible click of the safety coming off the trigger the day they arrive.... and they ALWAYS arrive on the same day. Creepy. Then this year he ran into his cousin at the store & it knocked him sideways. They are not friends, this does not trigger happy family bonding moments or memories. Cousin is from out of town, had JUST arrived to see other family, the chances of them running into each other like that is crazy. RAH works across 3 counties, no telling where he'll be/when during his work day like that, he has zero control over it.
I'll tell you why this was so much more than just DD witnessing an argument. Even though it was completely different in context, the intensity of it triggered a PTSD reaction to those OLD arguments, the only ones she's ever really seen like that were during his drinking days. Like I said, I claim as much responsibility for this one, I definitely kept picking up that damn rope. No matter how wrong he was, stepping away from it before it escalated like that was completely within my control.
If I had already mentally worked through all of the above? Maybe I would have found it easier to step away but I was pretty well steeping in my own pot of selfish feelings at the moment. I wasn't taking the time in the heat of it all to wonder what in the world had set him off so? I told you all, remember? Angry to nuclear happens FAST for me! This is something I have got to get a handle on, absolutely.
But I know that this was a mama bear response too, like I said, her feelings were hurt & suddenly *I* was that 11-yr old girl again. Disappointed AGAIN at whatever *my* AF had done/not done/whatever. So I think my own reaction was probably a confusing slur of my injured inner child & my strong warrior woman just letting go.
All in all I am sure that we will all come out the other side stronger & healthier for this experience. It just serves as a perfect example of how you REALLY CAN NEVER KNOW who/what/when/in what combination the perfect storm of triggers can detonate. Especially in a family in recovery trying to heal from the same wounds - it's exactly the same as early recovery in that aspect. We ALL feel the impact, but it's different, personal, individualized to our own life experience.
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Again, great post, FS! I listened to another disc and a half of "Rising Strong" last night while driving for work, and there is just so much there. It seems every time I plug her in, I hear something that is right on the mark for me at that moment.
I love that you share your experiences IRL; it helps me see how what she talks about translates into daily living, and how imperfect we are but yet how much it matters to try, to really be wholehearted and vulnerable, to show up and be seen, as Brene Brown says.
Thanks.
I love that you share your experiences IRL; it helps me see how what she talks about translates into daily living, and how imperfect we are but yet how much it matters to try, to really be wholehearted and vulnerable, to show up and be seen, as Brene Brown says.
Thanks.
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Originally Posted by slowclimb
I think I'll check out that book
Except - with the kids in mind you could totally jump right into "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting". I got it on audio & I think it was only about 3 discs, it was the shortest of all of them. It takes everything she talks about in relation to her work & gears it toward parenting. I loved it!
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
16 years later my RAW is still dealing with her guilt and shame because of the damage she and I caused while our daughter was growing up. She was four when RAW started drinking, and when I started trying to control it, her mother, and her all at the same time.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Again, great post, FS! I listened to another disc and a half of "Rising Strong" last night while driving for work, and there is just so much there. It seems every time I plug her in, I hear something that is right on the mark for me at that moment.
I love that you share your experiences IRL; it helps me see how what she talks about translates into daily living, and how imperfect we are but yet how much it matters to try, to really be wholehearted and vulnerable, to show up and be seen, as Brene Brown says.
Thanks.
I love that you share your experiences IRL; it helps me see how what she talks about translates into daily living, and how imperfect we are but yet how much it matters to try, to really be wholehearted and vulnerable, to show up and be seen, as Brene Brown says.
Thanks.
I'm exactly the same way with her work. I laughed so hard when I read that her books should come with a warning label. That no one should sit down & consume them, you need to go slowly like getting acclimated to the water temp of a cool pool. I feel that way, lol. I am looking forward to some time off over the holidays to let it run through my system.
I appreciate you all letting me get it all out here -it's easier than journaling some days & it is always helpful for me to read back over my own timeline. I only JUST went back & re-read my posts from last year about a month ago. I had totally forgotten that I'd actually asked him to leave during all of this because he was acting so erratically but wasn't sharing ANY of the reasons why. Since that is also his drinking behavior I made the educated guess that the pattern wasn't new, it was old. I packed up all his crap & left it out on the front porch. He was furious & shocked. Hey, I had a boundary, not a secret decoder ring.
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I have seen some of her stuff. I'll have to look for that book.
One of my kids is having a hard time - and I've seen some of that 'chandeleiring' too. I can see it in myself sometimes.
In our house I'm pretty sure it is all down to me.
I can't blame the ex for this one. He's been out of the picture for a very long time.
One of my kids is having a hard time - and I've seen some of that 'chandeleiring' too. I can see it in myself sometimes.
In our house I'm pretty sure it is all down to me.
I can't blame the ex for this one. He's been out of the picture for a very long time.
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I don't have any experience at being a parent so take this post with a grain of salt.
I also want to say that I am sorry that your children are hurting and in pain. I am sorry for the why your kiddos hurt.
This is not meant to be a flippant post and in no way should address abuse etc.
Sometimes stuff in life hurts. My childhood in many ways was idyllic, but my family (for a variety of reasons) did not have a lot of emotional intelligence. There was a lot of emotional stuffing going on.
As hard as sorting out my childhood has been at times I truly believe that along with the challenges have come my strengths. Along with the challenges has come my empathy, ability to have sympathy and frankly as I have experienced recovery my openness to healing for myself and others. My journey has been about healing the hurts of not feeling for so long. I believe that we all (normies or not) have individual hurts that life provides us the opportunities to heal from (if we choose)
I had to experience some of the hurt so I could learn how to heal. I believe (and I believe Brene Brown's lifework supports this though I don't have an eloquent quote from it) that sometimes it is not the hurt that causes the longterm suffering, but that healthy coping skills to deal with the hurt are not learned.
Thumper, Fire and all the other parents out there I read this post as hope. Yes your children may be hurting right now, but they are getting a chance to heal, explore how to do it differently etc. I belive they are getting this opportunity now so they don't have to do this as an adult. What a great gift, not the hurting but the rest of what you are doing with and for them.
I see this post as them getting to start their "LifeRecovery" early.
For me part of the beauty of Brene's work is that she has helped me to conceptualize that hurt comes into all lives, but I have a say over my own suffering.
I also want to say that I am sorry that your children are hurting and in pain. I am sorry for the why your kiddos hurt.
This is not meant to be a flippant post and in no way should address abuse etc.
Sometimes stuff in life hurts. My childhood in many ways was idyllic, but my family (for a variety of reasons) did not have a lot of emotional intelligence. There was a lot of emotional stuffing going on.
As hard as sorting out my childhood has been at times I truly believe that along with the challenges have come my strengths. Along with the challenges has come my empathy, ability to have sympathy and frankly as I have experienced recovery my openness to healing for myself and others. My journey has been about healing the hurts of not feeling for so long. I believe that we all (normies or not) have individual hurts that life provides us the opportunities to heal from (if we choose)
I had to experience some of the hurt so I could learn how to heal. I believe (and I believe Brene Brown's lifework supports this though I don't have an eloquent quote from it) that sometimes it is not the hurt that causes the longterm suffering, but that healthy coping skills to deal with the hurt are not learned.
Thumper, Fire and all the other parents out there I read this post as hope. Yes your children may be hurting right now, but they are getting a chance to heal, explore how to do it differently etc. I belive they are getting this opportunity now so they don't have to do this as an adult. What a great gift, not the hurting but the rest of what you are doing with and for them.
I see this post as them getting to start their "LifeRecovery" early.
For me part of the beauty of Brene's work is that she has helped me to conceptualize that hurt comes into all lives, but I have a say over my own suffering.
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Ah "Chandeliering".
I've realized that sometimes I'm not talking/listening to a logical person but to wounds that go so deep they can't be addressed in a simple conversation. I've seen this in myself and my older sister and we haven't been able to overcome the wounds and have a relationship. Seeing the wounds helps me forgive her and accept certain consequences. I have a harder time forgiving myself for my adult meltdowns.
I've realized that sometimes I'm not talking/listening to a logical person but to wounds that go so deep they can't be addressed in a simple conversation. I've seen this in myself and my older sister and we haven't been able to overcome the wounds and have a relationship. Seeing the wounds helps me forgive her and accept certain consequences. I have a harder time forgiving myself for my adult meltdowns.
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