slowclimb

My BIL just texted me. I haven't told him that AH is in rehab for the third time (it's been 4 weeks). I guess FIL just did.

His text was that dad told him and if the kids and I need anything he is here for us. He goes on to say that his brother needs to "man up" and choose between booze and his wife and kids.

Arrgghh....this is why I haven't told anyone. Ignorance has them thinking that as this point in the progression that he really has the ability to just "man up" and quit tomorrow. NOT SO EASY.

AH sounds very good. He is supposed to be home from rehab within the next week. We had our first brief serious conversation about how things would be and he said he made a commitment to attend meetings every day. I told him that he hasn't been available for months due to his drinking and that I have no problem with him not being available again if he is taking care of himself and his recovery and that I will be doing the same.

I'm not stupid nor do I have wonderful rosy expectations but I don't know how to handle family and friends who are clueless. I know my AH so doesn't want to be who he has been. I honestly believe that if he had access to a gun before he went to rehab he would have killed himself. Really if it was as easy as "manning up" or "just cutting out the ****" it would have already happened. He has always been a controlled disciplined person and alcohol is the one thing over which he doesn't have control - hoping he is learning and accepting that - but not mine to cure.

Do I respond? Do I gloss over that comment and just say kids and I are ok and I appreciate his support? Part of me really wants to lash out and 'educate him' but is this my codieness??? BIL lives far away so it's not like he'll be dropping in for Christmas.

This is why I've been isolating.....oh thank god for Alanon.

That said....I am working through what is right for me but I can't share that with people who just don't get it. They just think I need to give him an ultimatum. And while I know that I can't live the way we have been if things don't change, I still love this man and my heart goes out to him. And I know that nothing I do will make a difference - it's his to make that change - and it isn't just a switch that flips immediately.

Talk me off the ledge and help me find some type of reason before I reply.....

JK130

Ok, stay warm inside, no ledge for you... Seriously, You sound like a kind and loving person, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with such complex and raw emotions. Other people may mean well, but they often just don't "get it". Take whatever strength you can from your bil and leave the rest.

Liveitwell

Don't reply!!!! (That's all I've got right now)

Austin4Wyo

Sounds like you have a pretty clear understanding that getting defensive won't help. Does this need an immediate response at all? Could you give it a day or two and then see how you feel and what would be constructive? If it's nothing more than a polite thank you for the support, groovy. If you wish to more calmly discuss your stance on it, you can, AFTER the emotions have had a chance to settle out.

I feel for ya in this instance. As I slowly allow myself more relationships with people who are as dysfunctional and sometimes moreso than I am personally, I run into this more and more. I'm a viciously loyal person as well, and my first impulse is to go on the offense toward those who don't "get it," both as a recovering alcoholic and as a friend and family member of those in similar life patterns. I have gotten very good at simply stepping away for a bit until I'm calmer and healthier emotionally before I re-engage. Since your BIL is a fair stretch away, it seems you've got the same luxury, and it might do well to make use of it at present.

Hope things go well, and am very glad to hear your husband is doing well with his treatment. Hang in there!

Bekindalways

Wow, SC. Those are some really good questions and thoughts.

My first thought is go with the gloss over response: "The girls and I are good thx for the support". As a teacher, I've learned that you can't give people answers unless they have questions. Not sure your BIL has any questions here although he may well be doing the best he can as poor as his attempt at support is.

There has to be someone with better ideas than I have. I will look for others' responses. "How do you support someone in (fill in the blank) situation" is something I chew over quite a bit.

ladyscribbler

A lot of people don't understand the disease of alcoholism, even people who have lived with it don't always have that knowledge. It sounds like their hearts are in the right place and they want to do the right thing by you and your children. That means a lot. I'm on board with a generic thanks for their support and reassuring them that you're doing well. They will have the opportunity to educate themselves, maybe your husband will be able to help them with that.
Sending hugs your way. You've been a rock for your family.

JK130

One other thought...if there is something specific that would be of help to you, and you think he'should sincere, it seems that you could ask bil. Do you need support with paperwork, funds, phone calls, checking in with you or the kids, running interference with other family or whatever?

Lilro

"His text was that dad told him and if the kids and I need anything he is here for us. He goes on to say that his brother needs to "man up" and choose between booze and his wife and kids."

Ok, I have confession to make. I also used those same words "man up" to my exabf when I realised he was an alcoholic. I also didn't know ANYTHING about this disease until I started doing the research. My ignorance? At that specific time, yes. Angry? You bet!

Please cut your BIL some slack. I am sure he is also ignorant to the scope of this horrible disease. I'm sure he is just reaching out to you to try to be of some help.

Best Wishes to you,
Ro

redatlanta

why be angry he is on your side. Look at how many on here don't get that. I know its frustrating from the lack of understanding that's its not as easy as "just quitting".

Take a deep breath and send the generic response. I'm glad AH is doing so well.

maia1234

"Thanks for your support, we appreciate it!!
Short and sweet!!

littlefish

I think in the case of close family, why not educate? If it was a stranger, who cares. But, it is his brother and a thoughtful explanation of the nature of the disease could make a difference. He is going to be interacting, making comments, being a force in your husbands life, to a certain extent, even if he lives faraway, and it can only be a plus if he is an informed force.

slowclimb

Thanks everyone - it was far better to vent here before sending off some ranting text and creating chaos and drama. I'm feeling better about it today.

I didn't reply last night but I will today with a thank you, let him know the kids and I are ok and that I will definitely reach out if we need anything. I don't think 'educating' him via text is appropriate. When I talk to him next I plan to gently do so. Something along the lines that AH's progression is further along than anyone realizes and that he has been trying to not drink every single day on his own. It wasn't working and got real bad so he made the decision to go back to rehab for support as he really doesn't want to be the person he has been. And also since my nephew is giving them a run for their money with smoking pot I am going to suggest that maybe Al-anon might help him deal with his son and AH and that is helping me tremendously.

Thank you all!!!

hopeful4

I would just say Thank You and leave it at that. Don't try to educate everyone else, it won't work. Rise above it and keep working on you!