Feeling weak... need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: California
Posts: 22
Feeling weak... need support
It's going on a month now since my ex ABF left me so abruptly. We haven't had much interaction / communication but there have been 2 instances since then that we've had some seemingly meaningful text conversations. He seems to be going through a quarter-life crisis or something... figuring out his life, what he needs to do, etc. We don't talk about specifics though. I feel like he's reaching out to me because he has no one to talk to.
He had to come over to pick-up more of his belongings that I found while I was cleaning our... well, my apartment.
It was hard seeing him. I feel like at this point, I'm protecting my heart pretty fiercely, but I wanted to run to him and hug him so badly. I've been strong to not reach out to him too much, texting-wise. But once he reaches out to me, I can't help but talk to him.
Should I not? I don't know what to do. I miss him and our life so much. I had to rearrange my entire apartment and switch rooms just so it was different.
I don't know what he wants from me and in all honestly, I don't even know what I'm doing. Do I talk to him? Do I ignore him?
I feel so depressed and saddened. I can't focus at work...
How do you guys deal with this?
Thanks...
He had to come over to pick-up more of his belongings that I found while I was cleaning our... well, my apartment.
It was hard seeing him. I feel like at this point, I'm protecting my heart pretty fiercely, but I wanted to run to him and hug him so badly. I've been strong to not reach out to him too much, texting-wise. But once he reaches out to me, I can't help but talk to him.
Should I not? I don't know what to do. I miss him and our life so much. I had to rearrange my entire apartment and switch rooms just so it was different.
I don't know what he wants from me and in all honestly, I don't even know what I'm doing. Do I talk to him? Do I ignore him?
I feel so depressed and saddened. I can't focus at work...
How do you guys deal with this?
Thanks...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I would stay No Contact, at least for now.
You are not someone's emotional dumping ground.
He left you, and wasn't too concerned about how that affected you.
His crisis now isn't your problem.
It isn't for you to be a sounding board only when he feels like it.
Obviously, it is holding back your own emotional recovery based
on what you posted here.
Take care of you. He's an adult--let him manage his own affairs.
You are not someone's emotional dumping ground.
He left you, and wasn't too concerned about how that affected you.
His crisis now isn't your problem.
It isn't for you to be a sounding board only when he feels like it.
Obviously, it is holding back your own emotional recovery based
on what you posted here.
Take care of you. He's an adult--let him manage his own affairs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
You will feel much better when you stop communicating with him. It's like covering a wound so it can heal....
My STBX and I have been separated now for just shy of 3 weeks. I am thankful that he has not tried to communicate with me (other than logistics). I don't think I would have been strong enough to ignore him. Over the last few days I have noticed that I no longer miss him -- and I don't see the idealized version of him that I saw before. I see him as he really is - and he is not somebody that I want back.
That has also resulted in a huge reduction in the amount of sadness and anger I am feeling. I would even say I am happier now than I was when we were together.
I wouldn't be this far along if I was still communicating with him.
My STBX and I have been separated now for just shy of 3 weeks. I am thankful that he has not tried to communicate with me (other than logistics). I don't think I would have been strong enough to ignore him. Over the last few days I have noticed that I no longer miss him -- and I don't see the idealized version of him that I saw before. I see him as he really is - and he is not somebody that I want back.
That has also resulted in a huge reduction in the amount of sadness and anger I am feeling. I would even say I am happier now than I was when we were together.
I wouldn't be this far along if I was still communicating with him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Not long after I cut contact - I changed XABF's name in my phone to "answer me for some more pain."
That's the truth of it all too - if we want the pain to stop sooner than later, we have to cut off the source and heal ourselves. (((HUGS))) to you.
That's the truth of it all too - if we want the pain to stop sooner than later, we have to cut off the source and heal ourselves. (((HUGS))) to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Iīm in the middle of a similar process though I havenīt seen my AXBf (yet). But I noticed things became a bit easier when I switched the focus inside my head from him to myself. You know how youīre always having imaginary conversations? Well, mine go on and on about what I would say to him if I saw him again.
I tried not thinking about him but that didnīt work.
So at some point I just looked at what I was really thinking. And it was all a variation of something that would ultimately help him. Things like:
I canīt be with you because youīre an alcoholic... Please go to AA, you are hurting yourself and everyone around you, you will end up alone, you already have problems with your work, finances, family, me... you dont even have many friends left and the ones you have avoid you most of the time...
Or:
If you go on drinking like this youīll end up dead pretty soon and has your life been worthwhile? Why did you throw away your own life like that? And there wonīt be many people going to your funeral, only the drunks and what will that be like? Only an excuse for them to drink in your memory.
Of course, after that I only felt like hugging and taking care of him.
But then I asked myself what would I really want to say to him, for me? And it went like this:
I really loved you and that doesnīt happen every day. I believed you loved me too, you were so caring in the beginning but then, when I had opened up and trusted you, you did everything possible to humiliate and hurt me. You abused me verbally and emotionally and didnīt even care. Then, after you chased me away from your house in one of your rants, you never called to ask how I was doing or to apologize or even give some lame excuse. It was insult upon injury.
Iīm not sure if this is the advised strategy but when I think those things, I feel like hugging myself, not him, and donīt feel like Iīm responsible for his life or recovery.
I tried not thinking about him but that didnīt work.
So at some point I just looked at what I was really thinking. And it was all a variation of something that would ultimately help him. Things like:
I canīt be with you because youīre an alcoholic... Please go to AA, you are hurting yourself and everyone around you, you will end up alone, you already have problems with your work, finances, family, me... you dont even have many friends left and the ones you have avoid you most of the time...
Or:
If you go on drinking like this youīll end up dead pretty soon and has your life been worthwhile? Why did you throw away your own life like that? And there wonīt be many people going to your funeral, only the drunks and what will that be like? Only an excuse for them to drink in your memory.
Of course, after that I only felt like hugging and taking care of him.
But then I asked myself what would I really want to say to him, for me? And it went like this:
I really loved you and that doesnīt happen every day. I believed you loved me too, you were so caring in the beginning but then, when I had opened up and trusted you, you did everything possible to humiliate and hurt me. You abused me verbally and emotionally and didnīt even care. Then, after you chased me away from your house in one of your rants, you never called to ask how I was doing or to apologize or even give some lame excuse. It was insult upon injury.
Iīm not sure if this is the advised strategy but when I think those things, I feel like hugging myself, not him, and donīt feel like Iīm responsible for his life or recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Let go or be dragged………
What you are experiencing is what happens when one person ends a relationship and the other tries to hold on to it.
What you are experiencing is what is referred to as –having his cake and eating it to. He chose NOT to be present in a mutually loving committed adult relationship but instead via text message he chose to have a few meaningful chats which is far easier.
What you are experiencing with feeling depressed and saddened are normal feelings to have when a relationship ends and each time he sends you a text message it stops that depression/hurt/pain temporarily and prevents you from fully being committed to the ending of this relationship.
When a relationship doesn’t end mutually the best resolve is to go no contact until that relationship is far enough in your rearview mirror that any kind of contact will not bring about hurt/pain depression/confusion or anxiety.
What you are experiencing is what happens when one person ends a relationship and the other tries to hold on to it.
What you are experiencing is what is referred to as –having his cake and eating it to. He chose NOT to be present in a mutually loving committed adult relationship but instead via text message he chose to have a few meaningful chats which is far easier.
What you are experiencing with feeling depressed and saddened are normal feelings to have when a relationship ends and each time he sends you a text message it stops that depression/hurt/pain temporarily and prevents you from fully being committed to the ending of this relationship.
When a relationship doesn’t end mutually the best resolve is to go no contact until that relationship is far enough in your rearview mirror that any kind of contact will not bring about hurt/pain depression/confusion or anxiety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: California
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by bluelily 
Iīm in the middle of a similar process though I havenīt seen my AXBf (yet). But I noticed things became a bit easier when I switched the focus inside my head from him to myself. You know how youīre always having imaginary conversations? Well, mine go on and on about what I would say to him if I saw him again.
I tried not thinking about him but that didnīt work.
So at some point I just looked at what I was really thinking. And it was all a variation of something that would ultimately help him. Things like:
I canīt be with you because youīre an alcoholic... Please go to AA, you are hurting yourself and everyone around you, you will end up alone, you already have problems with your work, finances, family, me... you dont even have many friends left and the ones you have avoid you most of the time...
Or:
If you go on drinking like this youīll end up dead pretty soon and has your life been worthwhile? Why did you throw away your own life like that? And there wonīt be many people going to your funeral, only the drunks and what will that be like? Only an excuse for them to drink in your memory.
Of course, after that I only felt like hugging and taking care of him.
But then I asked myself what would I really want to say to him, for me? And it went like this:
I really loved you and that doesnīt happen every day. I believed you loved me too, you were so caring in the beginning but then, when I had opened up and trusted you, you did everything possible to humiliate and hurt me. You abused me verbally and emotionally and didnīt even care. Then, after you chased me away from your house in one of your rants, you never called to ask how I was doing or to apologize or even give some lame excuse. It was insult upon injury.
Iīm not sure if this is the advised strategy but when I think those things, I feel like hugging myself, not him, and donīt feel like Iīm responsible for his life or recovery.
I tried not thinking about him but that didnīt work.
So at some point I just looked at what I was really thinking. And it was all a variation of something that would ultimately help him. Things like:
I canīt be with you because youīre an alcoholic... Please go to AA, you are hurting yourself and everyone around you, you will end up alone, you already have problems with your work, finances, family, me... you dont even have many friends left and the ones you have avoid you most of the time...
Or:
If you go on drinking like this youīll end up dead pretty soon and has your life been worthwhile? Why did you throw away your own life like that? And there wonīt be many people going to your funeral, only the drunks and what will that be like? Only an excuse for them to drink in your memory.
Of course, after that I only felt like hugging and taking care of him.
But then I asked myself what would I really want to say to him, for me? And it went like this:
I really loved you and that doesnīt happen every day. I believed you loved me too, you were so caring in the beginning but then, when I had opened up and trusted you, you did everything possible to humiliate and hurt me. You abused me verbally and emotionally and didnīt even care. Then, after you chased me away from your house in one of your rants, you never called to ask how I was doing or to apologize or even give some lame excuse. It was insult upon injury.
Iīm not sure if this is the advised strategy but when I think those things, I feel like hugging myself, not him, and donīt feel like Iīm responsible for his life or recovery.
Yes, I absolutely have conversations in my head.
He was never verbally, mentally, or physically abusive with me. Never called me names, was always supportive. I think it's part of why I never really thought I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. I was in denial that because there were so many positives, I let that part slip my mind....
He would never drink and drive. But he would drink mostly at night or on weekends and basically zone out.
He drank more when he was stressed but there were times when I was hopeful that he was "working on it". Or so he said.... he never went to AA, but I did see his drinking decrease the longer we were together.
I am not sure if he left me because of the drinking, or if there were other aspects of his life (financial, work, schooling) that he was unhappy with. I'm sure it was all part of it.
I think that's why I'm having so much trouble. Because there was so much good in our relationship and he left so abruptly... I don't know what demons he is trying to fight right now.
And I want to tell him I want to be there for him and love him and support him. But at the same time, he knows this, and he still chose to leave.
So now I'm like why is he contacting me every once in a while...
It's so difficult to stay away and not respond back, especially when I feel he's reaching out to help.
Then I get mad at myself and say he's probably drinking when he's texting that... or... He's the one that left me and now he wants to talk?
I don't understand... And I feel myself making excuses or rationalizing why he would be contacting me...
I'm so dumb...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we've had some seemingly meaningful text conversations.
i'm of the belief that there is nothing MEANINGFUL to be had in TEXTING. again only my opinion, but it is the lamest form of COMMUNICATION...and should be used only for the "on my way" or "where are you?" or "did you guys lose power in the windstorm last night?" kind of stuff. and nothing expressed in a text should be taken to heart or analyzed for any deeper meaning.
i'm of the belief that there is nothing MEANINGFUL to be had in TEXTING. again only my opinion, but it is the lamest form of COMMUNICATION...and should be used only for the "on my way" or "where are you?" or "did you guys lose power in the windstorm last night?" kind of stuff. and nothing expressed in a text should be taken to heart or analyzed for any deeper meaning.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
What Anvil said. I hate texting-truly. It's awful and IS meaningless. I still do it all the time bc that's what our world has come to :/
Blu-he's contacting you to test the waters. That's it. No other reason.
Blu-he's contacting you to test the waters. That's it. No other reason.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Take care of yourself first and foremost. Just because he may be having doubts doesn't mean you have to.
I agree with the wise people who have posted above. Some time to quietly and reflectively live your own life just as you want to and need to is very healing. It isn't worth it to interrupt your own progress to suit his whims.
ShootingStar1
I agree with the wise people who have posted above. Some time to quietly and reflectively live your own life just as you want to and need to is very healing. It isn't worth it to interrupt your own progress to suit his whims.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
i went through a rough time with my addict (ex) girlfriend. i found a therapist that specializes in substance abuse and addiction this helped me a lot.
i took care of her until she robbed me and my family...lied...used in my house and other crazy things. i am currently writing a letter to her telling her goodbye. i dont know exactly what to say, but i know that it is important that i DO say it! that is my advice to you....let go
to all that have said goodbye before: reply to the thread i made....trying to figure out what to say in the letter...thank you!!!!!!!!!
i took care of her until she robbed me and my family...lied...used in my house and other crazy things. i am currently writing a letter to her telling her goodbye. i dont know exactly what to say, but i know that it is important that i DO say it! that is my advice to you....let go
to all that have said goodbye before: reply to the thread i made....trying to figure out what to say in the letter...thank you!!!!!!!!!
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