be81174

Hello,

I am a 43 old woman who has been with my bf for just a little over a year.

He lied to me at the beginning about his relationship with his ex and it took many months for that to get cleared up and during that time I noticed he drank very, very heavily. Not every day...but enough that it wrecked more than a few weekends.

The first time I brought it up, he left me for a week. We got back together and it continued for several months, when I finally got the courage to say something again. Rather than being mad, he said he didn't realize how it affected me and that he wouldn't drink so much.

This went on for a few more months and I saw a little improvement but not a lot. During this time, I became attracted to someone else. I didn't do anything but remained friends with my attraction.

It all came to head last weekend. We had our company Christmas party (bf and I both work at a large company). Rather than monitoring the bf, like I ALWAYS do, I just left him to his own devices. And he went nuts. I don't know how much he drank but he passed out at the dinner table, had to be escorted out, lost his jacket and stormed off into the night leaving me alone.

It was hell.

Now he's decided he has a problem and is going for counselling and wants to quit drinking etc... He has gone for an appointment already.

My problem is...I don't want to invest more time into this relationship. I've never felt at ease in it because of the drinking and now he wants MORE time from me. I already know that promises are likely just words at this point and how much longer do I have to gamble to see if he's really going to improve?

I feel so tired and guilty and he cries and cries on my shoulder about how much he loves me and wants ONE more chance...I'm so confused and hurt...I just kinda want approval to leave. Which makes me feel dumb...

FeelingGreat

Hi BE, sounds like you've already made up your mind, in fact you had even before he embarrassed you at the company do. Who wants to date someone they have to keep an eye on when they're out?

It's awful breaking up with someone who want to stay together but most of us have done it at some point, and many have been on the receiving end as well. Bite the bullet, tell him, and you'll feel a lot better.

Remember, if he really wants to sober up he'll do it anyway. If he's not that serious then his relapse is just a matter of time.

53500

Hi there, you are not at all dumb and you can leave without guilt. Not to sound cold, but with or without the drinking problem you don't owe anyone a relationship.

Exactly as long as you want to.

Hopefully this guy will get help and turn his life around but that is totally up to him.

caretaker88

Like FeelingGreat said, if he really wants to get sober, he will do it whether you stay with him or leave him. Do not feel guilty about what your intuition is telling you; that it is the right thing to do. Always listen to what your gut is saying.... And besides, who wants to be a babysitter to a capable, grown man? It is kinda sick when you think about it. Believe me, I have been there. Usually on a daily basis. You don't need this in your life, but I would caution you about starting another relationship with a co-worker. There is a very wise saying "Don't S*** where you eat, my friend."

Hawkeye13

You don't need anyone's "approval" to exit a relationship.
Early dating is to see if there is a "fit" and it is perfectly OK to decide to move on.

You aren't "obliged" to see him through his attempt at sobriety.
That's on him--only he can do it anyway.
I would just be honest and say you haven't been happy for quite awhile,
wish him well, and get on with your own life.

honeypig

Yup, this would do just fine. You do not owe him anything--you're not married or committed in any other way. As others have said, it's early days of dating, when people tend to be on their best behavior and things tend to be the best they can. It's a time for "trying each other on for size."

If this is him on his best behavior, if this is the best that things get, I think you're quite justified in saying "nope, this does NOT fit, and back on the rack it goes!" You are NOT obligated to stay around and "help" him simply b/c he claims he wants you to.

To use one of my favorite sayings, not your monkey, not your circus.

It probably wouldn't hurt for you to read around the forum here a bit, just to see some of the delights that would await you if you'd chosen to stay w/this guy, and also to confirm the red flags that you're noticing. Kudos to you for being healthy enough to question things early on--so many of us here didn't. You've got a leg up!

Yoga

Sounds like you've already made up your mind so just go. Who needs it's.

be81174

Haha - I would agree with you there except there are 10,000 some odd employees spread over several buildings around the city! Our department alone has 1,500 employees. It's really hard to meet people who don't work there, or have never worked there.

:-)

AnvilheadII

we are all allowed to end a relationship at any time when it no longer suits us or becomes a huge negative in our lives. give YOURSELF permission to follow your own heart.

marie1960

It truly sounds like you have made your decision.

Famiiliarity seems to offer us a false sense of comfort.

Personally, I had to rip the band-aid off, endure the sting for a minute, and cease contact.

It's truly amazing what a little time and distance can do for your own perspective.

Certainly working together adds a complication, but with 1500 other people in your department, I'm guessing you could get lost in the crowd.

Keep taking care of you, you know what you want, need and value in life, hold on tight to your focus.

Peace.

atalose

I don't want to invest more time into this relationship.

Then don't!!!!

He is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions and outcomes. You do not cause him to drink – you cannot control his drinking – you can’t cure him. You have done nothing wrong to feel guilty about.

The best way to end a relationship especially with an alcoholic/addict is quick and for sure with no wobbling or giving him room to stick around. Go no contact and end it.

SparkleKitty

However it feels in the short-term you don't do anyone any favors -- not yourself and definitely not him -- by staying in a relationship that you are not invested in. Let him go, for his own sake, not just yours.

firebolt

Look, your life is very, very important....and short....and it is up to you to make the most of it. Sounds like your guts have been pushing you to do something for a long time. We who choose alcoholics seem to block that out - to our own detriment! Sounds like it might be time to listen to yourself - and your needs!

(((HUGS))) to you - we know your pain well!!

be81174

I've been reading the posts...I relate to some of them. It's the lack of trust that I can't live with. He's really trying hard to "prove" that he can do this. He's decided to go to AA...everything...

He's a little too "cocky" about this still. He thinks he's just going to stop drinking and poof - it's that easy. And it might be, who knows. But in the meantime, I am on edge and stressed all of the time. Yesterday I went shopping and phoned him on the way home. He was SOOOOO happy and energetic and over enthusiastic, I really thought he was drinking. I was afraid to come home!

And a part of me was secretly hoping that he WAS drinking so that it would be easier to ask him to leave. So that I could have the peace of mind...how horrible is that???!?!?!?!?!

LexieCat

You don't "owe" it to him to stay with him. You told him how his drinking made you feel, and he did nothing about it. Now, he's made a public scene and embarrassed you horribly at a work function.

Hey, if he gets sober, good for HIM--his life will be a whole lot better for it. YOU, however, are not obligated to stick around for it. It sounds like you are ready to be DONE, and you have every right to be done.

Lilro

Not horrible at all! YOU are looking out for YOU!

I'm not going to tell you what do do, none of us would. I can only tell you what I would do..

RUN GIRL RUN.. .and don't look back. No trust? What's the point? Chalk this year long relationship up to a lesson learned for next time. Take care of YOU!
Hug
Ro

AnvilheadII

it's only been a year, give or take.....and it's been trouble from the get go. his monster scene at the work gathering is inexcusable. and just because NOW he SAYS he's going to sober up etc doesn't mean he will and certainly doesn't mean you have to stay one moment longer than you want. you don't need an excuse, you are free to decide to end things when it no longer suits you.

that he was so "up" that day you phoned home makes me wonder if he's swapped out booze for something else?

LexieCat

Oh, and BTW, I know NO alcoholic for whom it was easy. Early sobriety is pretty miserable, for the most part.

I'm suspicious, myself, about the "happy, energetic" phone call. I don't know whether he's swapped substances or whether he's found a better way to hide his drinking.

I'd also be willing to bet HR has insisted on treatment and put him on probation. If he crashes and burns he'll probably be out of a job, too.

I take it you aren't living with him? If he loses his job, would you feel compelled to take him in "just till he gets on his feet"? Seems to me this is the time to walk away before life gets even more complicated.

be81174

Our work environment actively ignores these problems and he actually does very well at work. I don't see the office making any issue out of this at all. I am sure they have chalked it up to an isolated instance because he really is a good worker that excels at his job.

He lives with me in my condo. It's only been a few months. It's a long story but for the first 8 months he was tying up loose ends with his ex girlfriend, whom he owned a house with. So literally - the first 8 months of "us" was him living in a house with his ex (while she tried to buy his portion off of him).

When he finally sold, we just decided he should move here...but on MY side it was all the wrong reasons. I wanted him close to keep an eye on him. Even when he was "living" with her, he was here more often than not. I was afraid he would be drunk and sleep with her.

I just let this whole unhealthy situation go on and on, didn't I!?!?!?! And now he's claiming to want to get healthy and I'm ready to check out!

LexieCat

Oh, dear. Well, I'd kick him out before he does get fired (and even tolerant employers will draw the line at some point--alcoholism is progressive and ALWAYS gets worse) or gets a DUI that will lead him to expect you to bail him out/chauffeur him around or something. You don't need this in your life. It's much easier (trust me on this--I've been there) to tell him he has to move on NOW, while he can afford his own place, than to wait until he's hit the skids and you feel like you're putting a puppy out in the cold.

You can be nice about it, certainly, unless he makes that impossible. You can tell him that this isn't working out and you would like for him to find his own place as soon as possible. Set a deadline, or it can be dragged out indefinitely.

And just an FYI, your breaking up with him (if that's what you decide to do) will have no effect on his ability to get sober if he really wants to. If he doesn't, then he won't. He'll try to say you're the only one who can motivate him, but if that's true then he won't stay sober for long anyway.