Can you remind me not to engage with MIL?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Can you remind me not to engage with MIL?
I'm about to hit the send button but I know I shouldn't.
She emailed me to tell me she would not be coming to DS(almost)4 bday party...
She also said she only wrote those things in her last email because she wanted me to know why AH was upset...
So I guess that was her best attempt at an apology? and I should just let it go.
This is the short and passive aggressive email I want to send back:
Thanks, but it really wasn't necessary, I've heard it from him before.
I’d be happy to return the favor and fill you in on more of the reasons he has anger towards you if you like.
Kboys
She emailed me to tell me she would not be coming to DS(almost)4 bday party...
She also said she only wrote those things in her last email because she wanted me to know why AH was upset...
So I guess that was her best attempt at an apology? and I should just let it go.
This is the short and passive aggressive email I want to send back:
Thanks, but it really wasn't necessary, I've heard it from him before.
I’d be happy to return the favor and fill you in on more of the reasons he has anger towards you if you like.
Kboys
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Don't send it, Kboys. Your silence will speak volumes more.
You don't need her to validate you to know that you are doing the right thing, have done the right thing, and will continue to do the right thing to keep you and your boys safe. You will never "win" with her.
Good on you for coming here first. You're going to be okay.
You don't need her to validate you to know that you are doing the right thing, have done the right thing, and will continue to do the right thing to keep you and your boys safe. You will never "win" with her.
Good on you for coming here first. You're going to be okay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
LET IT GO. don't keep feeding the beast. it is really best to stop engaging with HIS familia....they are not on YOUR side and will only cause more grief.
i agree, great job on coming here first!
(now do what we say dammit!!! LOL)
i agree, great job on coming here first!
(now do what we say dammit!!! LOL)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah - I agree with everyone - no need to send. I promise, it won't change the fact that she feels her son is semi justified in his crazy.
I don't have kids, but if I did, and my son was a serial killer, (and pre recovery) I could see myself supporting him no matter what he's done. The thought makes me shudder, but I can see it.
I don't have kids, but if I did, and my son was a serial killer, (and pre recovery) I could see myself supporting him no matter what he's done. The thought makes me shudder, but I can see it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Don't do it! In these situations I'm very visual & I always think of how hammer used to refer to these poop-throwing-monkey situations..... and the 2nd thought is inevitably that *I* don't want to lower myself to engage in that behavior by throwing some myself. Best to back away from the cage altogether & move on. I'd probably have to vent that anger somehow like exercise, etc. ((((Hugs))))))
Loving a more peaceful life
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: England
Posts: 80
My view: Do not press send.
Do not engage MIL
Report the bully's letter (if you haven't already).
Add MIL to the no contact order, along with the 'friend' who delivered the letter.
You've had more than enough BS from the AH. No need to tolerate any more from any of them.
Do not engage MIL
Report the bully's letter (if you haven't already).
Add MIL to the no contact order, along with the 'friend' who delivered the letter.
You've had more than enough BS from the AH. No need to tolerate any more from any of them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Electronic communications with these people can become admissible as evidence in any and all legal proceedings.
I was frequently tempted to let loose on my ex and his crazy family, but I'm really glad that I didn't. When we had our day in court they came in empty-handed because I didn't give them any ammunition to use against me.
Don't give this hag the satisfaction. Nothing will infuriate these people more than complete radio silence.
I was frequently tempted to let loose on my ex and his crazy family, but I'm really glad that I didn't. When we had our day in court they came in empty-handed because I didn't give them any ammunition to use against me.
Don't give this hag the satisfaction. Nothing will infuriate these people more than complete radio silence.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The ONLY thing I'd send is a simple acknowledgement that you understand they won't be there. E.g., "Thanks for letting me know."
Under the circumstances, it's better for you that they won't be there. I can't imagine it would be comfortable for anyone.
I doubt you can "add her to the order" but if she ever says she contacted you at his request, she can be charged with a violation.
Of course, I'd be reporting the BATTERER for violating it by delivering you that letter before I'd be reporting his mom.
Incidentally, any cards/gifts from him for your son is a violation, too.
How are the kids coping, incidentally?
Under the circumstances, it's better for you that they won't be there. I can't imagine it would be comfortable for anyone.
I doubt you can "add her to the order" but if she ever says she contacted you at his request, she can be charged with a violation.
Of course, I'd be reporting the BATTERER for violating it by delivering you that letter before I'd be reporting his mom.
Incidentally, any cards/gifts from him for your son is a violation, too.
How are the kids coping, incidentally?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Don't do it. It is not so much that she is jumping over you but that she is standing up for her "little boy"
It doesn't matter that he is an adult and a drunk, he will always be her baby and moms side with their children.
She is obviously not in recovery but this is her problem not yours.
It doesn't matter that he is an adult and a drunk, he will always be her baby and moms side with their children.
She is obviously not in recovery but this is her problem not yours.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Ah, Kboys. I agree that it may be a more comfortable event with her not there, especially as she feels the need to fight his battles for him. What helped me the most with AXH and his family was the following:
Don't respond unless a (valid) question (regarding the visitation schedule, appointments, etc.) was posed. If there was no question, no response is necessary. If the question came with a bunch of cr-p, respond only to the question.
I didn't always follow it , but I try to. In the honor of self-disclosure: I definitely didn't follow it on AXH's last e-mail. He'd forwarded his new address and told me to keep him up to date on DS's daily school stuff and activities. There was no question there - just a demand (which, in an unenlightened, but completely cathartic manner, got the computer screen flipped off -- several times), but I responded anyway. I e-mailed back that I had sent his new address on to child support services so they could open a case with that state and mentioned he could contact the court for the current terms of our custody and visitation agreement. So, I'm not perfect, but trying to follow that helps keep me from getting myself too tangled up with his mess again.
Don't respond unless a (valid) question (regarding the visitation schedule, appointments, etc.) was posed. If there was no question, no response is necessary. If the question came with a bunch of cr-p, respond only to the question.
I didn't always follow it , but I try to. In the honor of self-disclosure: I definitely didn't follow it on AXH's last e-mail. He'd forwarded his new address and told me to keep him up to date on DS's daily school stuff and activities. There was no question there - just a demand (which, in an unenlightened, but completely cathartic manner, got the computer screen flipped off -- several times), but I responded anyway. I e-mailed back that I had sent his new address on to child support services so they could open a case with that state and mentioned he could contact the court for the current terms of our custody and visitation agreement. So, I'm not perfect, but trying to follow that helps keep me from getting myself too tangled up with his mess again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
TU-you nailed it. When people, namely mommy, fights your battles for you , you don't grow up. Kboys-I recall when my ex tried to bully me when we were still married-texted me (with his attorney on the text) that he was an on open book (RIGGGHT) and that he didn't hide behind his attorney like I did. Hmmm. Well, I don't hide-my attorney keeps me and my kids safe from him. He has sold his attorney a pack of lies and he hides behind his mommy, sister, anyone else willing to fight his battles for him and clean up HIS mess. He won't get better until they stop or get into recovery themselves (which we all know won't happen!). Same goes for your hubby and his band of enablers-mommy dearest, etc. Sorry-not trying to go off on a tangent,..it's just surreal when these "men" bully their wife and kids and then turn to mommy. So extremely sad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks everybody...
The kids are okay, I guess... both a little more clingy than normal though.
They are both now sleeping all night in their own beds, most nights, so that's positive... but they have both been having accidents at day care more frequently, which they hadn't for a while.
DSalmost4 was talking about the police man that came to our house for a while... and asking where Daddy went.
I told them Daddy broke the rules and the police officer had to take him on a "time-out" for a while. I told them I didn't know when they were going to be able to see him again, but that he loves them very much.
They were just kind of getting used to him not being there when I let him come back for a few days... and then he was gone again... and then back, and then the police came.
I know it's confusing for them... I'm trying to be honest, without saying too much...
I don't know, I'm crying right now cuz it all breaks my heart for them...
more guilt.
The kids are okay, I guess... both a little more clingy than normal though.
They are both now sleeping all night in their own beds, most nights, so that's positive... but they have both been having accidents at day care more frequently, which they hadn't for a while.
DSalmost4 was talking about the police man that came to our house for a while... and asking where Daddy went.
I told them Daddy broke the rules and the police officer had to take him on a "time-out" for a while. I told them I didn't know when they were going to be able to see him again, but that he loves them very much.
They were just kind of getting used to him not being there when I let him come back for a few days... and then he was gone again... and then back, and then the police came.
I know it's confusing for them... I'm trying to be honest, without saying too much...
I don't know, I'm crying right now cuz it all breaks my heart for them...
more guilt.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
They're OK, K. They have a mom that loves them and is keeping them safe. I think your explanation to them was PERFECT--age-appropriate. Remember, however sad they might be, watching you get hurt by dad would make them a LOT sadder. Kids understand rules like "no hitting" and "no yelling"--I think it confuses them a lot more if they see Dad doing things they're told are bad but nothing happens to him.
And I also think as parents, we can project more "sad" and "upset" on kids than they actually feel, because of our OWN feelings.
You're doing right by them, remember that.
And I also think as parents, we can project more "sad" and "upset" on kids than they actually feel, because of our OWN feelings.
You're doing right by them, remember that.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
K, you certainly did the right thing by not sending.
She did more than explain why AH was upset, she also lectured you on how she always had a meal on the table, so she's being disingenuous by saying she just wanted you to know the reason. Obviously AH has told her to butt out.
It won't do you any good to get into a full-on conflict with her, so distant and neutral will serve you better.
PS: I suddenly realised I don't know what a tacito is; will google it
She did more than explain why AH was upset, she also lectured you on how she always had a meal on the table, so she's being disingenuous by saying she just wanted you to know the reason. Obviously AH has told her to butt out.
It won't do you any good to get into a full-on conflict with her, so distant and neutral will serve you better.
PS: I suddenly realised I don't know what a tacito is; will google it
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