POAndrea

Interesting article on how family members can assist addicts, and can't decide what I think about it.

https://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/20...suite#comments

While I'm all for anything that makes it easier for an addict to improve, the responsibility that this CRAFT approach seems to place on friends and family makes me very uncomfortable. The codie in me whispers "See? You really didn't try hard enough. You were doing it wrong the whole time. All you had to be was a little nicer, and it would have all worked out."

Thoughts, please?

firebolt

I read that book - “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” There was a lot I agreed with, and it gave me more sympathy for alcoholics than a lot of books I've read. I needed sympathy - I was SO angry before.

I dunno - I have read SO MUCH on alcoholism and codependency, and there is SO MUCH conflicting information. My RA Boss says that people that don't do AA will relapse. AA worked for her. I know a handful of people sober 10+ years that have never set foot in a 12 step room. They journal-ed, blogged, and had supportive friends, family and or counselors.

I think that like anything, we have to take what we can use and leave the rest. MOST of it stuck with me in a positive way.

I appreciate Alanon and what this forum has done for my life. I also appreciate a lot of what I have learned in books on Smart, CRAFT and AVRT.

That is from the article, and I can say that I have reconciled very different recovery methods by finding their similarities. The non Alanoners want to take care of themselves too, and the quote above, coupled with this screams - detach with love., to me....

The non Alanoners groups probably won't use that phrase (detach with love), just like Alanoners push NOT 'taking care of the alcoholic'...however loving the alcoholic.

IMHO, it's like reconciling different religions. For the most part, there is something BIG and GOOD - and we should mimic that to make the world a better place. We don't have to split hairs on information, and we CAN use parts of each that work for us individually. Everybody is different.

I love this question BTW - I struggled with this for a while!

FireSprite

While I can respect that it can work for others, my overall reaction after all the reading I've done on it was, "This is not for me/us."

A HUGE part of recovery for us is about me not having a large role in his & vice versa. CRAFT, to me, seems like it requires more conscious effort on my part to recognize when to encourage, how to respond, etc. I felt like I was unqualified as a spouse to monitor his moods, make allowances for the stages of recovery & still maintain my own space mentally & physically for my OWN recovery. I am a lifetime enabler & I couldn't differentiate enabling from what CRAFT would label the "right" kind of encouragement. I felt like it encouraged my Codie habits (which were arguably equal-to-worse than RAH's addiction issues) and didn't like the icky way it made me feel like I was mothering my husband. (& he would have hated it, revolted)

All in all I couldn't wrap my mind around it coming back to ME to decode, to stay watchful, to properly interpret what I was seeing. I'm not a therapist, I have no training & I'm managing my own resentments & emotions in recovery. CRAFT is too muddy for me.

That said - I DO encourage RAH in his recovery. I just wait to hear from him what he is struggling with, how he needs support & respond with BOTH of us in mind. This has gotten far, far easier the further we get in recovery & I can honestly say I was NOT capable of giving the same support in my early recovery as I am now, 4 yrs later.

Here's a great, older thread where this topic came up:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iating-me.html

LexieCat

I think BlueChair does CRAFT, if I'm not mistaken. I know very little about it.

ladyscribbler

I was inadvertently doing CRAFT techniques while I was with my ex as a way of trying to mitigate the violence and abuse we were living with. I think that it probably works best in a very specific set of circumstances, like when the alcoholic or addict is willing to seek treatment on their own. I mean, how are you supposed to "CRAFT" someone when there is no positive behavior to reinforce? It also seems more effective when someone say, has surgery and gets addicted to pain meds in their 40s than with a 40 year old who has been drinking or using since they were 13. Those are the types of "success stories" I tend to see on CRAFT-related threads.
This has been a sore spot for me lately. My ex and his wife have spent the last year claiming that all of his out of control behavior was my fault, and now that he's happy and well taken care of he has magically learned to moderate his drinking to "1 or 2 beers once a month." Except that 6 months ago he had quit drinking completely because she didn't allow alcohol in her home. But whatever.
The important thing is that his wife has never seen any of the out of control behavior I witnessed. She would NEVER put up with anything like that. He's even homeschooling her youngest daughter, who is about a year younger than our son. So everything was my fault because I didn't love him well enough when we were together and then I heartlessly abandoned him and took away his son.
I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all solution to any of this. It seems to me that the most important thing is to take care of yourself, no matter what and to be realistic about the odds of long term sobriety and major, fundamental relationship and personality changes.

AnvilheadII

an entire forum was created in the F&F section to discuss CRAFT and other alternative recovery methods. Please see the SECULAR forum for more information.