HP in action (and I don't even believe in HP)
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
HP in action (and I don't even believe in HP)
I moved out a month ago, after five years of trying to get my AH to stop drinking. It's been mostly good, but lately--and especially this morning-- I've been doubting myself, thinking that I should try to work things out with him, knowing that I love him, worrying about the effect on our children, etc. etc.
Today I went to see an attorney about divorce/mediation. She asked a lot of questions about our financial situation and the circumstances. At a certain point I said, at the deepest level, I cannot live with him because he's an alcoholic and he refuses to quit drinking.
She said, well of course you can't, and I know what I'm talking about--I've been in recovery from alcoholism for 18 years. She said there is no way he was going to change so long as I made it easy for him not to. He may not change anyway, but now it's no longer on me.
And she proceeded to tell me her story, as well as to recommend a great local Al Anon group.
I walked away feeling so glad that I have found the strength (even if it wavers sometimes) to move on for the sake of myself and our children.
BTW she also ran our financials through the state divorce calculator and pointed out that he has no clue, financially, what is about to hit him. This being the guy who was skeptical when I told him the rent on the place where I moved (which is very, extremely, reasonable for the high-rent place we live), saying "well, I guess you can afford that on your salary . . . " The attorney pointed out that after 16 years of marriage and 3 kids I'm entitled to a bit chunk of his salary, though that seems not to have occurred to him.
Feeling so relieved this evening.
Today I went to see an attorney about divorce/mediation. She asked a lot of questions about our financial situation and the circumstances. At a certain point I said, at the deepest level, I cannot live with him because he's an alcoholic and he refuses to quit drinking.
She said, well of course you can't, and I know what I'm talking about--I've been in recovery from alcoholism for 18 years. She said there is no way he was going to change so long as I made it easy for him not to. He may not change anyway, but now it's no longer on me.
And she proceeded to tell me her story, as well as to recommend a great local Al Anon group.
I walked away feeling so glad that I have found the strength (even if it wavers sometimes) to move on for the sake of myself and our children.
BTW she also ran our financials through the state divorce calculator and pointed out that he has no clue, financially, what is about to hit him. This being the guy who was skeptical when I told him the rent on the place where I moved (which is very, extremely, reasonable for the high-rent place we live), saying "well, I guess you can afford that on your salary . . . " The attorney pointed out that after 16 years of marriage and 3 kids I'm entitled to a bit chunk of his salary, though that seems not to have occurred to him.
Feeling so relieved this evening.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you found yourself a terrific lawyer for your situation, sauerkraut! I'm so glad--divorce is never a picnic for ANYONE, but having the right kind of legal help can make things SO much easier.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sometimes we get help from unexpected sources. She sounds great, giving you empathy and a dose of reality.
Your AH is in for a shock, but I've known other people who just don't think things through, and not just alcoholics.
Your AH is in for a shock, but I've known other people who just don't think things through, and not just alcoholics.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I thought of you while meeting the attorney, Lexie. In fact, at certain moments I thought, I wonder if she is Lexie 
She was so helpful and understanding, knowing from experience what I'm going through and from the other side what my H doesn't yet want to face.
Among other things she stressed making sure his life insurance policy will cover future expenses like our children's college and my mortgage (if I buy a home). Even as a RA, she wasn't optimistic about his future. It was sobering, pun intended.
Thanks for your support, everyone. May we all run into just the right person when we need him/her.
She was so helpful and understanding, knowing from experience what I'm going through and from the other side what my H doesn't yet want to face.Among other things she stressed making sure his life insurance policy will cover future expenses like our children's college and my mortgage (if I buy a home). Even as a RA, she wasn't optimistic about his future. It was sobering, pun intended.
Thanks for your support, everyone. May we all run into just the right person when we need him/her.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I used an attorney to evict my ex. As soon as you say addiction, their whole mindset changes, if they have experience in them. When she was served with a move out or go to court letter, she wrote him a 6 page rant letter in response. She argued common law marriage...blah blah blah. He didn't even respond to any of it.
He responded with the court date........and she moved out........lol.
He said, they are often the most clueless ones out there. They create this addiction induced reality in their minds, and then are convinced that its the actual reality. And that everyone else will never see any other reality.
He responded with the court date........and she moved out........lol.
He said, they are often the most clueless ones out there. They create this addiction induced reality in their minds, and then are convinced that its the actual reality. And that everyone else will never see any other reality.
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