MsGrace

I divorced an alcoholic 4 years ago (he was sober 15 years, when confronted with the choice to pursue recovery or not have me...well, you can guess what he chose)

I've been steadily working on my own recovery. Doing well! I'm happy, mostly at peace. Met a new wonderful man and we live together now, engaged. He divorced an alcoholic wife about the same time I did. We both have private therapists and attend Al Anon weekly. Two fairly happy codies! So far, so good.

Our biggest issue is his 9 year old son....who lives with his alcoholic mother and is deeply troubled. In school, socially and at home. Violent, verbally aggressive, bullies. Attacked me physically, after having a wonderful summer together (attack came out of the blue). We have him each month for a three day weekend, all the school holiday times.

I just noticed at my Al Anon meeting last night...my serenity was slipping away. The old familiar sadness, heaviness, returning. I realized (and much to my shock and amazement) I'd allowed myself to get over-involved in finding resources, parenting classes, help, ideas for this family...ad nauseum. I'm observing both mom and dad in a perpetual circular firing squad of blame for the other. Of course, the child is the casualty.

Last night, I just realized I was playing outside my hoola hoop. Finding the solutions to this family's long standing bitter problems is not MY problem...unless I invite it. Here I was....trying to fix...find the answer...make it all work. And every minute of engagement my serenity slipped away. Sheesh...do we EVER learn? How quickly I justify my co-dependency by "just wanting to help". Yup...I can help myself right into insanity is what I can do.

So for today: I can mind my own business. Not offer advice unless asked, then SHUT UP. It's not my job to save this child...or his dad...or his hopelessly ill mother. I can tend to my peace of mind, try to be the best partner I can to my mate while HE sorts out HIS family issues. I can make my happiness my business and my priority. That's ALL I can do. I can let go....treat them all with kindness and compassion and LET IT GO. That's absolutely all I can do...nothing more.

I'll probably come back here so you great people can remind me what my job is from time to time.

Thanks for listening.....

honeypig

Those are some big realizations you've had, MsGrace, and I say kudos to you! Recovery isn't about doing it "perfectly", it's about learning as you go and applying what you know--and I think that's exactly where you are right now. You saw what was going on and you're taking steps to get back to where you need to be for your own happiness and serenity.

Just like the A's, we're never "cured", only in remission. I'm glad you came back for a refresher course!

AnvilheadII

Good for you! my last post to your on your prior thread probably seemed a bit snippy/snarky at the time.....I had asked what does the FATHER think is the best thing to do. I'm glad to see you came to your own realization in your own time and what truly belongs to YOU and what belongs to others!!!! That is a very powerful skill!!!!!

MsGrace

Thanks Anvil.....I ALWAYS appreciate your comments...snark or no!
You are clear, direct and wise and much appreciated

LexieCat

Good job!

Sometimes things have a surprising way of working out when I STOP trying to fix it.

Cyranoak

I haven't been here for many months, so this is the first post of yours I've read for a long, long time. Where you are in your recovery is very impressive. Good work, and great post, especially for newbies. I hope some of them read it!

Thanks for sharing.

Cyranoak

MsGrace

Hey Cy! So good to see you back! I always appreciate your insights and comments. Good to see you here again.
One day at a time...

CourageousCari

Thanks for sharing! I use the hoola hoop idea too!!! It works!

MsGrace

Quick update: My partner and his alcoholic ex wife have agreed to find appropriate parenting classes in their respective communities and work together! Child is back in therapy....and so far, so good. Every bit of that happened with ZERO involvement from me, other than the original idea to think about parenting classes.

The fact that this alcoholic is starting to try to work with the child's father to parent him is just huge, huge news. I'm staying out of it....

LexieCat

Great news! And good job staying on your side of the street.

This does affect you personally, so I think it's fine to weigh in with a suggestion or idea--the key is to leave the follow-up and execution of the plan to those directly involved.

Cyranoak

...and I heard it here from somebody else, is some form of, "saying/suggesting it once is caring, and in certain situations maybe even twice, but after that it's controlling and/or nagging and/or somebody else's side of the fence."

My two cents...

Lilro

Yes Ms, stay out of it!
My AXBF agreed to have his troubled 15 year old come live with him in a different state than where he was living with his mother because the mother remarried and he didn't want to live in the boonies! What a mistake!!
Like my ex was going to take care of him! What a joke! Guess who stayed up at night wondering where this kid was? Guess who collected phone contacts for his drug addict friends just in case he went missing? Guess who was on a stakeout when this kid disappeared for a week? Guess who went looking for him? Not his newly married mother or his alcoholic father, ME! I was so stressed out my eyelashes started falling out!
I finally had to STEP BACK...WAY BACK... This was not my issue, not my child, this kid had a mother and father. It is and was THEIR RESPONSIBILITY to deal with THEIR child not mine, not yours.
My advise? Zip it, stay on your side of the street and let them deal with it. It will only come back to bite you in the end if not.
Good Luck!
Ro

MsGrace

Wow Ro...."there but for the Grace of God go I"......thank you for sharing your story. I can clearly see the answer to the huge question I had after my AH left...."how have I become as sick as he was?" It's so insidious...so hidden. This disease is so baffling, but for any newbie out there that may trip upon this post...just be aware of how you get involved in business that is not yours. I think we all mean well..but when we step outside our own boundary to fix, or solve...understand we are in the business of controlling the things we cannot control. This is how we become part of the problem and sick and sad. We want the drinking and the crazy to stop...and although I'm sure most of us have good intentions to help, we cannot control this disease or the people it systematically infects. Remember: addiction is the disease that will kill the addict, as well as everyone around them....and this is exactly how that happens.

Thanks again Ro....for sharing your story

Lilro

It's funny how all of us have similar stories, all the same, all different characters.

Good luck to you! I know it's hard to step back. As a mom of my own teenager it was hard for me to do. It's mindboggling to me that any mother would " wash their hands" of the responsibility in raising their child by allowing him to live with an alcoholic father. It's hard to wrap my head around it even until this day. I did what I would have done if it was MY own son acting that way. That was my mistake.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
Ro