MIL explained things to me
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
Oh-and just because I had a friend watching Dateline recently that called me to tell me to watch it, not to scare you at all-but we need to be real here and the reality is this guy will hurt you. There was a dateline about sonething just like this situation....and the ex cobtacted the girl and begged, please, just meet me one time so we can talk and say our goodbyes....she went and he ended up stabbing her 20 times. Thankfully she lived to testify agaibst him and put him away for a very long time....but the moral is the guy knew she was going to out his abuse and in his mind she had to be stopped.
Sorry for the total downer but this is how serious your situation is. Please do not be afraid of reporting him.
Sorry for the total downer but this is how serious your situation is. Please do not be afraid of reporting him.
Maybe your husband wouldn't do that--but are you willing to bet your life and your kids' lives on it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
hi Kboys, it seems you are handling the situation pretty well, well done. Its not easy.
Its hard to know exactly what your MIL is going through and what her deep thoughts are. It seems she does appreciate quite a bit about about the reality of the situation but most parents would support their kids until the point where they just can't anymore so I don't think it a surprise that she is standing by her son. But she is not your fight and she is his mother so I don't see that you have any beef with her. Just don't go there and don't rise to the bait. Do try to be respectful as much as you can. The comment about the abuse she may have suffered was a low blow, pls try not to do again. But you also don't owe her an explanation and you don't have to justify yourself to her.
Lexie is right regarding the letter. Report it. Its all part of the control/crap/games/power struggle that is going on. You have split up, you have told him that you don't want to see him again. This stunt is childish and its not wanted. You are right to ignore it and move on. He needs to know that you are logging and reporting all this stuff which will help him think twice the next time.
Again, you are holding yourself up very well in face the face of a lot of pressure. Do the right thing by your kids and stay strong.
Its hard to know exactly what your MIL is going through and what her deep thoughts are. It seems she does appreciate quite a bit about about the reality of the situation but most parents would support their kids until the point where they just can't anymore so I don't think it a surprise that she is standing by her son. But she is not your fight and she is his mother so I don't see that you have any beef with her. Just don't go there and don't rise to the bait. Do try to be respectful as much as you can. The comment about the abuse she may have suffered was a low blow, pls try not to do again. But you also don't owe her an explanation and you don't have to justify yourself to her.
Lexie is right regarding the letter. Report it. Its all part of the control/crap/games/power struggle that is going on. You have split up, you have told him that you don't want to see him again. This stunt is childish and its not wanted. You are right to ignore it and move on. He needs to know that you are logging and reporting all this stuff which will help him think twice the next time.
Again, you are holding yourself up very well in face the face of a lot of pressure. Do the right thing by your kids and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes, please report him.
If he really had an epiphany while in jail he would have never contacted you. My guess is the email from the MIL was a transcript of what he told her to write to you. Didn't like the response, so onto button #2 "I've had an epiphany". They just keep on until they push the right button.
Please be safe, and stay strong. You are doing so well with all this. I hope you will follow Lexie's advice.
If he really had an epiphany while in jail he would have never contacted you. My guess is the email from the MIL was a transcript of what he told her to write to you. Didn't like the response, so onto button #2 "I've had an epiphany". They just keep on until they push the right button.
Please be safe, and stay strong. You are doing so well with all this. I hope you will follow Lexie's advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thank you everybody
Thanks ^^^
I know... low blow to MIL, I'm not proud of that one.
I don't think I had ever felt anger in quite the same way as I did when I read that email from her.... I've not responded anymore to her, though... moving on.
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
hi Kboys, it seems you are handling the situation pretty well, well done. Its not easy.
Its hard to know exactly what your MIL is going through and what her deep thoughts are. It seems she does appreciate quite a bit about about the reality of the situation but most parents would support their kids until the point where they just can't anymore so I don't think it a surprise that she is standing by her son. But she is not your fight and she is his mother so I don't see that you have any beef with her. Just don't go there and don't rise to the bait. Do try to be respectful as much as you can. The comment about the abuse she may have suffered was a low blow, pls try not to do again. But you also don't owe her an explanation and you don't have to justify yourself to her.
Lexie is right regarding the letter. Report it. Its all part of the control/crap/games/power struggle that is going on. You have split up, you have told him that you don't want to see him again. This stunt is childish and its not wanted. You are right to ignore it and move on. He needs to know that you are logging and reporting all this stuff which will help him think twice the next time.
Again, you are holding yourself up very well in face the face of a lot of pressure. Do the right thing by your kids and stay strong.
Its hard to know exactly what your MIL is going through and what her deep thoughts are. It seems she does appreciate quite a bit about about the reality of the situation but most parents would support their kids until the point where they just can't anymore so I don't think it a surprise that she is standing by her son. But she is not your fight and she is his mother so I don't see that you have any beef with her. Just don't go there and don't rise to the bait. Do try to be respectful as much as you can. The comment about the abuse she may have suffered was a low blow, pls try not to do again. But you also don't owe her an explanation and you don't have to justify yourself to her.
Lexie is right regarding the letter. Report it. Its all part of the control/crap/games/power struggle that is going on. You have split up, you have told him that you don't want to see him again. This stunt is childish and its not wanted. You are right to ignore it and move on. He needs to know that you are logging and reporting all this stuff which will help him think twice the next time.
Again, you are holding yourself up very well in face the face of a lot of pressure. Do the right thing by your kids and stay strong.
Thanks ^^^
I know... low blow to MIL, I'm not proud of that one.
I don't think I had ever felt anger in quite the same way as I did when I read that email from her.... I've not responded anymore to her, though... moving on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Well I guess you know you won't be getting any support from your MIL.
Sounds like some projection on her part. Did she ever call when she was being abused?
Sounds like some projection on her part. Did she ever call when she was being abused?
Originally Posted by Kboys
MIL sent me a long e-mail telling me the reasons why AH is upset all the time, and why he could "no longer live with me...." I'm so relieved! Now I finally understand! Thanks so much MIL!
All me... I let the kids run around naked... the house is a mess, the laundry is not done... She's "dumbfounded" and AH had "reached out to her" in the past, but she didn't know how to help.
She would never have fed her kids taquitos for dinner... She was a single mom but always had a clean house and a hot dinner on the table. And AH "knows that, and that's why he's upset."
She said that her family has always stuck together, "no matter what AH says about us when he's drunk"
She told me I need to be a woman and run my household right... I'm not blameless in this.
She told me I deliberately "set out to harm him" by calling, because I knew he had a warrant.
At this moment, I feel more angry with her than I do with AH.
I should have let it go, but I just couldn't...
I responded and told her I know I'm not perfect, and that I am well aware I have issues of my own... I'll take responsibility for my part in our communication issues, parenting issues, but I absolutely will not take responsibility for his drinking or his abusive behaviors.
My children are JUST FINE.
I also brought up the fact that AH has memories of his step-father physically abusing her, and threatening her with a gun... and I can't do that to my boys anymore.
The one thing she said that may have some truth ... that is maybe part of my guilt is the warrant thing. I had been hoping for a long time that he was going to get picked up on that warrant... I didn't want to call, I wanted it to happen in another way... but maybe in the back of my mind I was sort of waiting for an opportunity to call... not that I wasn't justified in calling... but maybe I do feel a little bit of satisfaction in him finally having to deal with that... A little.
Thanks for reading.
All me... I let the kids run around naked... the house is a mess, the laundry is not done... She's "dumbfounded" and AH had "reached out to her" in the past, but she didn't know how to help.
She would never have fed her kids taquitos for dinner... She was a single mom but always had a clean house and a hot dinner on the table. And AH "knows that, and that's why he's upset."
She said that her family has always stuck together, "no matter what AH says about us when he's drunk"
She told me I need to be a woman and run my household right... I'm not blameless in this.
She told me I deliberately "set out to harm him" by calling, because I knew he had a warrant.
At this moment, I feel more angry with her than I do with AH.
I should have let it go, but I just couldn't...
I responded and told her I know I'm not perfect, and that I am well aware I have issues of my own... I'll take responsibility for my part in our communication issues, parenting issues, but I absolutely will not take responsibility for his drinking or his abusive behaviors.
My children are JUST FINE.
I also brought up the fact that AH has memories of his step-father physically abusing her, and threatening her with a gun... and I can't do that to my boys anymore.
The one thing she said that may have some truth ... that is maybe part of my guilt is the warrant thing. I had been hoping for a long time that he was going to get picked up on that warrant... I didn't want to call, I wanted it to happen in another way... but maybe in the back of my mind I was sort of waiting for an opportunity to call... not that I wasn't justified in calling... but maybe I do feel a little bit of satisfaction in him finally having to deal with that... A little.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yeah-was going to ask that as well. I actually felt really bad for my MIL for years-I liked her a lot and was closer to her than my own mom. My dad even offered to buy a house for her so she could leave my father in law bc his abuse had become so bad. (Yes-total overstepping only boundaries on my families part but my dad did truly just want to help her). She declined...and that's when I started noticing she would much rather bitch abd complain about her situation rather than DO anything about it. And I did feel for her bc she had been so extremely abused that her self esteem was in the gutter...she never reached out for help and laughed at me for suggesting that. Funny that she used to say the same thinfs about her husband that I did re mine: she would tell me she hated going to his family functions bc nobody knew how he treated her at home and everyone just loved him and thought he was the best. And that she was scared to set him off in a drunk rage-yep, been there! Yep-figured we could bond over that one considering her son put me through the same exact thing! I've realized my Xmil is just a very very sick woman. And she took total advantage of me and my family's kindness-in every way. She does not want her boys to grow up bc that would leave her alone to face life by herself-and she doesn't want to face reality. Sick, very sick-and secrets galore. What's that saying? You're only as sick as your secrets are?
All this to say, none if this is your fault or has anything to do with you-these are HER issues, her insecurities, fears, projections, lies, etc. You know your truth-you do not need her to validate you.
All this to say, none if this is your fault or has anything to do with you-these are HER issues, her insecurities, fears, projections, lies, etc. You know your truth-you do not need her to validate you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
kboys - i pray by now you HAVE reported the CONTACT and turn the letter over to the authorities. this is NO time to mess around.
He'll give me all the time I need...
all the time YOU need? how f'ing gracious of him! what he is saying is that he is not going to let this go, he is going to keep reaching out to you, hoping to catch you in that weak moment with some "nice" words. it's all part of the GAME for him. and in his twisted mind it is just that - a GAME. immediately upon release from JAIL for domestic violence, with a NO CONTACT order in place - what did he do???? CONTACTED YOU. does that really sound like an EPIPHANY?
don't fall for it Kboys. put on your Teflon coated cape and don't let any of his antics get IN.
He'll give me all the time I need...
all the time YOU need? how f'ing gracious of him! what he is saying is that he is not going to let this go, he is going to keep reaching out to you, hoping to catch you in that weak moment with some "nice" words. it's all part of the GAME for him. and in his twisted mind it is just that - a GAME. immediately upon release from JAIL for domestic violence, with a NO CONTACT order in place - what did he do???? CONTACTED YOU. does that really sound like an EPIPHANY?
don't fall for it Kboys. put on your Teflon coated cape and don't let any of his antics get IN.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Anvil-do guys like this ever change-is this a "remove the alcohol" abd poof-better?! Seems like it would take a complete life overhaul to remove the control, sense of entitlement, etc. (which btw, Kboys, your hubby has NOT had).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there is no POOF-better. yes there are some rare cases where an individual has a true spiritual awakening (Bill W, co-founder of AA for one) and undergoes a psychic change. they no longer resemble their former selves - they become humble servants to the Will of the God of their Understanding.
for the rest of us schmucks, it's a long slow climb back to human and the restoration of a life in tatters. however, humility is still a key factor in this transition. a full acceptance of the condition and willingness to do whatever it takes to become a responsible productive citizen once again.
alcohol is but a symptom. sobriety cannot cure any underlying issues - in particular mental illness and abusive tendencies.
for the rest of us schmucks, it's a long slow climb back to human and the restoration of a life in tatters. however, humility is still a key factor in this transition. a full acceptance of the condition and willingness to do whatever it takes to become a responsible productive citizen once again.
alcohol is but a symptom. sobriety cannot cure any underlying issues - in particular mental illness and abusive tendencies.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Case in point-my ex father in law, who died from cirrhosis. Was sober for a few years before dying (bc he was told he was going to die if he kept drinking-duh) but was still an arrogant, abusive, mean, poor me and unrepentant man-only thing that was different was he wasn't drunk.
I know-it takes a LOT of hard work to reprogram. I know this!! Kboys-your hubby will be pissed if you report him-but that shouldn't stop you from doing it. I understand your fear-fear crippled me for way too many years, decades really....it paralyzed me. I'm praying God release you from your fear...fear is one of the devils tricks that he uses so we don't tell the truth and shine light on evil. Peace to you today.
I know-it takes a LOT of hard work to reprogram. I know this!! Kboys-your hubby will be pissed if you report him-but that shouldn't stop you from doing it. I understand your fear-fear crippled me for way too many years, decades really....it paralyzed me. I'm praying God release you from your fear...fear is one of the devils tricks that he uses so we don't tell the truth and shine light on evil. Peace to you today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
kboys, please do report the letter. Do not get sucked back in. Trust the authorities. If they thought there was a good reason for no contact, and to keep him in jail, then he must have done something to deserve no contact and being in jail.
As for his mommy, yes, it might have been a low blow, and you should definitely not engage anymore, but if she dares to preach to you about not being a good mother and a woman (how dares she, seriously?), you do have the right to respond.
His letter? I agree with everyone who said that he might be testing you. Do what is right, what is proper. Do not let your heart fool you. Report the letter.
As for his mommy, yes, it might have been a low blow, and you should definitely not engage anymore, but if she dares to preach to you about not being a good mother and a woman (how dares she, seriously?), you do have the right to respond.
His letter? I agree with everyone who said that he might be testing you. Do what is right, what is proper. Do not let your heart fool you. Report the letter.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
What others told me here while going through all of the same things-now is the time to think with your head, because your heart cannot be trusted. You must guard your heart-and yourself and your children!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Thought of you while running tonight-Taylor swift spoke to me
"Band aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show, you live like that you live with ghosts, band aids don't fix billet holes, you say sorry just for show, you love like that, your blood runs cold".
Sing it, Taylor!!
"Band aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show, you live like that you live with ghosts, band aids don't fix billet holes, you say sorry just for show, you love like that, your blood runs cold".
Sing it, Taylor!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Kboys, I really really hope you take this letter and no contact break extra seriously. If he knows he can get away with contacting you, then your protection is gone. If you break the protection order by not reporting this letter, then you are partially to blame for letting him back in, even a ***** of a shadow back in.
Please take care of yourself and let the authorities handle him. Do the Mosaic Threat Assessment tool again if you can't persuade yourself that he is as dangerous as he is.
ShootingStar1
Please take care of yourself and let the authorities handle him. Do the Mosaic Threat Assessment tool again if you can't persuade yourself that he is as dangerous as he is.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As strongly as I believe the letter should be reported, K isn't "breaking" the order by not reporting it. Just need to be clear on that. HE is breaking the order by contacting her.
And nobody who's protected by an order becomes an accomplice by not reporting a violation.
But I certainly agree that this is a situation with a HIGH degree of danger.
And nobody who's protected by an order becomes an accomplice by not reporting a violation.
But I certainly agree that this is a situation with a HIGH degree of danger.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Easy does it people. Do not give legal advice unless you are licensed to do so. Do not pressure others into doing what you think is right. Encouragement and support is fine, anything beyond that and it's time to go call your sponsor.
If you have experience in the specific issues being discussed then share only your experience. Nothing more.
Mike
Moderator, SR
If you have experience in the specific issues being discussed then share only your experience. Nothing more.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Wow. Well at least you won't have to spend Christmas with them eh.
I suppose that's family dysfunction in action for you. You're well out if it. That's something to be grateful for eh.
Can I be in that movie?? I could play the MIL - we could do it as a panto. Boooooo hisssss. Or does that only work in the UK?
I suppose that's family dysfunction in action for you. You're well out if it. That's something to be grateful for eh.
Can I be in that movie?? I could play the MIL - we could do it as a panto. Boooooo hisssss. Or does that only work in the UK?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
