The season is over.
 

College football season has always been the worst with AH. He CANNOT watch his team without getting trashed. For the past few years I've been pretty vocal about it being "my season of marital discontent". Thank God he isn't an NFL fan. Since I've been here and learning about Alanon, at least the last half of the season hasn't been so bad.

It has been about 10 days since I've posted. We got through Thanksgiving (with him drinking more than usual and me being less bothered by it) and two more Saturday morning games. There's a local historic site that I've always wanted to go to. It's a two hour drive one way. So one Saturday I just decided to go. The kids and I had a great time. We were gone all day. Probably 12 hours total.
As I was driving along I was thinking about all the things in life that I've been waiting for. Things that he and I talk about doing but I'm always left waiting for him to choose them over sitting home drinking. This trip was one of those things. And it felt great to just go and do it. I'm not waiting anymore! I'm going to go and do. Hopefully one day he'll decide to join me. But I'm not waiting for it anymore.
This Saturday was much the same. The kids and I just spent the day out doing our thing. He was in bed by the time we got home that night.
Yesterday, I don't feel so great about. The p,an was that the. Four of us would decorate for Christmas. Put up the tree, etc. He had a bottle of wine that he "needed to drink before it went bad". And I let that ruin my enthusiasm and we didn't get much farther than erecting the tree. Didn't even put a single decoration on it. I should have carried on with my kids. In retrospect, I was avoiding what has happened in the past, where the kids and I would end up not having much fun because he'd be drinking and I'd be Crazy bit$hing because he was drinking, I guess I wasn't feeling brave enough to put my tools to the test so I just forfeited. That's not fair to my kids either.
He mentioned last night that starting today he's going to be making healthier choices. I asked him what he meant by that. He said "eating better, exercising, I'm gonna cut way back on drinking and by way back I mean none till....then only....blah, blah, blah." I tried so hard not to react. This is our routine. We barely get through football season by the skin of our teeth, then he promises to fly right and things get better for a while. Then camping season begins, also a time for getting trashed, followed by football season again. Lather, rinse, repeat. So, without my prompting, he was just delivering the regular order for this time of year. I may have rolled my eyes ever so slightly.
I still haven't told him about Alanon. It wouldn't be hard for him to know if he paid attention. Yesterday he actually had my newcomers packet in his hand and didn't even notice. Lol
Overall, I've been doing well. Just doing my thing and taking care of myself and the kids, although I could have handled the decorating differently/better. As someone on here says (I forget who now) "progress, not perfection"
I'm reading here every day, even though I don't comment a lot. Like Lexie, I don't love typing on my iPad and that's usually how I'm reading. I'm getting something every day from all of you though and I'm still so grateful for it.

Thanks for your posting. It makes me feel like I am not alone in all of this. My AH will drink a lot...something bad will happen...then he says he is going to quit...which he does, but then goes right back at it a week or so later. I too have put things on hold which I shouldn't.
good for you on going to the historical site....sounds like progress...
My Christmas tree is up but with no decorations too...lol...

Yes, focus on the progress THippy, we all have moments when we backslide in recovery. You know how we keep saying it's not a linear path? One day you have an amazing success (road trip!) and the next day something like Christmas decorations triggers you to near incapacity. It's ok - the success in that moment came later when you analyzed it honestly & saw how you could have handled it differently or had enough distance to see where the train went off the tracks & can handle it better next time.

Taking those little independences like unplanned road trips or facing the fear of travelling alone with kids, etc. is a big part of how I helped my self-trust & self-respect to grow. It felt GOOD doing things I wanted to do, just because I COULD. During that time I took DD away to Disney World for a long weekend alone & then took DD & my niece a few weeks later for a girls only weekend. It was liberating & SO MUCH FUN!

Thank you.
The funny thing is, I'm not afraid of traveling alone with the kids at all. In fact the kids and I have driven 3/4 of the way across the country and back without AH more than once. For many reasons but one of them definitely being that the trip is a helluva lot more fun for us when there doesn't have to be a bottle of booze at the end of each driving day. Ha!
For some reason, I'm a lot stronger about the big stuff than the day to day stuff. I wouldn't hesitate a minute to load up and drive cross country without him but I'll wait 365 days for him to decide to join us on a day trip. What is that!?!

:dunno: My guess is that it's a lot easier to distract yourself with BIG events but the day-to-day is where the rubber meets the road. That's the hard part - that's the part that requires change. The big stuff is fun, random, a one-off many times. "Every day" involves schedules, communication, etc. A lot more hangs in the balance than just having fun, kwim? Even in RAH's most active point in addiction we could take a day trip or vacation & have amazing fun & few worries, but the minute we were back at home we would shift right back into the same old dysfunction.

For a long time I thought it was because we were just SO stressed & NEEDED those getaways. {snort} Um, no. We just ran away from our problems & then they were right there in our faces when we returned, ha!