Dimndaruf

Hello my SR family, its been a week or so since I've posted. I've been doing ok up until this weekend. I did an intake with my son's new psychologist last week and he has his first visit today. Of course my AH made an excuse that day to not attend the intake for whatever reasons. I've been standing firm in my conversations with AH (up until this weekend) and I've still been attending therapy. Last week AH picked my son up from school and took him to the barber without contacting me first. I very politely mentioned to him that he is to inform me beforehand if he is picking him up and taking him anywhere. I didn't have to remind him of past occasions where he has driven my son under the influence. Although he is now bout 80 days sober (so he says) I still do not trust him enough to come and go with the kids as he pleases. In the discussion I also mentioned to him that any negotiations in regards to the terms of divorce need to go through our lawyers and not through us, he replied that he thinks we should be able to discuss things between us and if we can't agree then let the lawyers handle it. I don't think that we can really have any discussion these days without an argument but to avoid a back and forth I just shrugged by shoulders and said ok.
It seems like for the past few days he has been initiating conversations about us and trying to gauge where in in the process I am with our divorce. He doesn't want the divorce but I can't continue our marriage with him and his "victim attitude". He asked me yesterday if I have a lawyer already and I told him yes. Somehow he starts asking questions and I answer and the next thing you know we're right back into this conversation where I'm talking about my ptsd and unwillingness to give my heart to him again and then he pulls his victim card again. He's not at all understanding of the circumstances he created in the relationship. I did things that I did not want to do as a matter of survival. I've babied his emotions to keep him from lashing out, drinking & binging, losing his license/job, emotionally abusing me, etc. and he tells me wrong is wrong. I should never lie or keep things from him no matter what. He's right and I tell him that but I feel like I just can't win with him, when he's angry I get a drunk 3rd child and/or an emotionally abusive AH. We both always said that we wanted a close, honest relationship but the truth is that he can't handle things that make him upset (truth), I can. I'm tired of sweeping things under the rug while he holds onto and dangles everything forever. He complains about what he does financially (when I do just as much and more at times), what I did or said that makes him question my loyalty, what I said or someone else said that he was insulted /slighted by! He's so damn thin skinned and paranoid I can't deal, his emotional immaturity makes me sick!
I'm disappointed that I let myself get angry and all worked up...you all have told me over and over (and I thought I got it) to stop expecting him to heal me. It's like I completely forgot and found myself explaining things again. We're both looking for two different things and either of us aren't budging! He wants me to just say I'm sorry for taking my wedding ring off (when I went out) and putting it back on (even though we weren't together). He wants me to be guilty about something somewhere, and is refusing to accept responsibility for where are marriage is. I'm getting angry just repeating it!!!!!!! ME AND MY CHILDREN ARE THE VICTIMS HERE!! THE ONLY THING THAT'S HE A VICTIM OF IS NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCEPT LIFE ON IT'S TERMS AND DEALING WITH SITUATIONS THAT HE'S CREATED!!!! The more he does this the more my anger and resentment grows so I try my best to avoid these conversations but somehow I got blindsided and sucked in! He asked me if I'm growing to hate him and my reply was yes, sometimes I do feel that way! I know that's wrong and hate is a strong word but I'm just beyond anger with everything that I'm dealing with. I have the 2 kids and he comes to help when he wants or his "schedule permits". He'll say that I'm the one that chose to leave......ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Someone please help me from pulling my hair out!!!

Hawkeye13

Lesson learned--don't engage, leave it to the lawyers at this point.

SparkleKitty

Stop trying to get him to see your side and just let the lawyers handle the divorce. Whether he is sober or not, he is INVESTED in being the victim right now and there isn't anything you can do or say to fix it -- and moreover, it is NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX IT.

I know you're angry and I don't blame you for your frustration but as long as you keep adding fuel to the fire it will continue to burn. Drop the rope, disengage as much as your shared parenting responsibilities allow, and take care of yourself and your son. Your husband is a grown man who is responsible for his own feelings and the consequences of his choices.

dandylion

Dimndaruf......look at the basic facts.....you want the divorce (you are entitled to want to leave a situation that is harmful to you).
He doesn't want the divorce.....for his own reasons.
There is no way to broker this deal at this point.......the horse has already left the barn.
He is not going to change his reactions to this....he is who he is.....

You will just have to accept that this is life on life's terms for you.....it is the cost of playing poker. Each mile, you will have to continue to do the very best that you can do.....detaching where you can...getting legal backup....using all your internal and external resources to take care of your side of the street......
It isn't easy, for sure.....but, you have to keep your eye on the p ri ze.....
You WILL get through this.....

You age doing great, actually.....just keep your fo cus straight ahead and do what you know is right for your and your child's best interest.....

dandylion

LexieCat

You already know the answer--stop engaging with him. Make certain topics off-limits in your own mind, and when it starts to veer in that direction, say, "I'm not discussing this here and now with you." And walk away or hang up.

Wear your ring or don't, whatever feels right to you. If I remember right, you put it back on because it made your daughter "sad"--the whole process will make her sad, Continuing to live in a home with a mom trapped in an unhappy marriage would make her sad, too. I'd focus on making her feel secure and loved (by both of you) and not let her decide whether you wear the ring.

Refiner

Just reading your plight that has gone on for years was exhausting! He has so many issues that NO "relationship" or person could or would EVER fix. Can you just put him on ignore and let your lawyer do the talking?

Dimndaruf

You're so right and yesterday's draining conversation was a reminder that I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind and let it catch me off guard!

Actually, the reason I had put my ring back on was to keep some sort of hope alive for my family. Although I made it clear that we weren't together at that time I felt that if he saw it off he would give up trying to fight for his family and think that there was no chance for him to get me back and it could potentially send him back to the bottle. He had just made a few weeks sober and I wanted him to stay that way. I didn't feel like I deceived him in any way because I made it crystal clear that I considered us both single. He thinks that I was deceitful by taking it off when I went out and then putting it back on the next day. What do you think?

Dimndaruf

It seems that's what I have to do, it's just easier for me to say than actually do. Trying to muster the strength and the courage to do so.

Thank you.

Dimndaruf

Thanks Dandy!! Your words are always so warm and honest! I appreciate you and all my SR family! You guys are a blessing

FireSprite

Dim, the ring doesn't matter. It's a non-issue. Getting tied down arguing about these "small things" is what keeps the bigger things from being dealt with.

It doesn't matter that you disagree about the ring & you're allowed to change your mind about whether you wear it or not. I haven't worn mine at all since RAH started recovery. It's a personal decision for me - even though we are still together I feel like those rings now represent broken promises & broken dreams. Yes, we can rebuild toward tomorrow but no, I don't want to think about the past every time I look at my left hand. I have no idea how RAH feels about it, I haven't asked & he actually does a better job of staying on his own side of the street than I do a lot of the time. My hand, my ring, my decision.

Go easy on yourself for the regression, it's an unfortunate part of this whole process & completely unavoidable. The important part is learning from it, moving forward & trying to not repeat the same mistakes over & over again. ((((hugs))))

Dimndaruf

FS - Thank you. This is something that happened 3 months ago and boy has become his card of choice to play, forever, it seems like. I've tried to explain this to exhaustion but I get portrayed as the person who is trying to deflect from their deceit and a liar that can't be trusted! His "issues" with me have always been "small things" as you say that he puts under a magnifying glass. Meanwhile, I'm the one who always put his "issues" under the shrinking machine. This new "ring story" is the story that he's using to tell his family that I'm not the person that they think I am, etc. Again, trying to find things about me to blame our failing marriage on....

hopeful4

They always seem to hone in on one small issue, even though they are professional victims in every sense of the way. It's frustrating and will drive you mad...if you let it.

You have already gotten great feedback, I just wanted to offer support and a tight hug.