Same mistakes over & over!!

Old 12-06-2015, 12:44 PM
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Same mistakes over & over!!

Ok so I know after my last 2 experiences I was going on a complete man ban but then I met someone who seemed very nice, funny not pushy and kind! We met for a coffee and I had such a good time hadn't laughed that much in a very long time. He was also very charming but seemed to have a vulnerable side. He didn't text constantly all day or everyday, which I found weird but then thought my other attempts at dating didn't turn out with the constant texting so il just go with the flow and see how it goes.

So last night we had our 3rd date went out for a meal and then to his house, we talked for hours before it became obvious he was interested in sex. Initially I said no that I wasn't prepared to sleep with someone I was dating and we somehow got into this debate about how I need to go with the flow and do what feels right and if I wasn't ready for sex he thought I wasn't ready for anything else. I told him it was about respecting myself and I wouldn't sleep with someone who I am only dating especially someone who's dating others, he said he'd last had sex 3 weeks ago just when we started dating. I felt that I was having to justify why I wouldn't have sex with him and that he was trying to convince me I was wrong. We would drop the subject but he would bring it up again then say I was picking on him or questioning him, when he brought it up again. And yes maybe I did question him about things but not an interrogation just normal questions to what he was saying. He then said he wouldn't want to have sex now as I said no and he would be stubborn

A few times he said things that I got annoyed about and he knew it and I was going to go home a few times but he always said something sweet or would ask me about plans for the Christmas holidays together. I listened to his words and didn't wait to see if his actions matched and if he respected me enough to wait!!

I had a lot to drink more than I've had in a very long time and I ended up sleeping with him., even though he kept saying he was stubborn and wouldn't sleep with me!! As I was going home he was so keen asking when he would see me again and we arranged to meet each other tonight. Only for him to blow me off earlier today!!

Was I being manipulated?? Don't know I'm still not good at identifying this. Was I an idiot?? Absolutely yes!

I've made the same mistake again, looking to the wrong people to make me feel better. I just want to have some fun and feel something else other than lonliness and sadness. I have days where I feel good but the last few weeks haven't been good and I wasn't even going to go and meet him initially and hoped he would cancel and thought well if he does then it's what my higher power wants and if he doesn't then I'm meant to go!!

I know I brought this all on myself and I keep making the same mistakes!

Go on let me have it I deserve it I am totally useless at recovery!!
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Old 12-06-2015, 01:18 PM
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Well, do you think you were being manipulated?
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Old 12-06-2015, 01:43 PM
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I'm not going to "let you have it" but send you a hug instead.
You see the pattern, and you know it isn't healthy or good for you.

The thing you can do is delete this guys number from your phone,
don't obsess over him, and put it behind you immediately
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Old 12-06-2015, 01:45 PM
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Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this and please don't beat up on yourself. You're not an idiot. I don't know if he was intentionally being manipulative, or just a typical one of the gazillions of bozos who are not interested in anything serious and just wants things to come with no effort. It's not your fault for hoping he would be different and respect you. However, look at it this way, it is no big loss at all that he's gone away. Just keep out looking for yourself and move forward.
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Old 12-06-2015, 01:49 PM
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What does "fun" mean for you, right now? I really am curious. There is nothing wrong with having fun. There is nothing wrong with casual sex as long as everyone is safe and honest about what is happening.

But, B, if you are not being honest with yourself about what you really want then yes, you will keep finding yourself repeating the same relationships.

And sometimes your HP really wants you to follow your own heart and isn't sending you signs about what you should do. Try not to put all the decision on him/her/it all the time!!
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Old 12-06-2015, 02:01 PM
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It really boils down to what you wanted to do. If you wanted to sleep with him (safe sex) there's nothing wrong with that, EXCEPT that you do know you have a tendency to get a little too "involved" a little too soon, and if sleeping with someone is going to make you feel like either of you owes the other something as a result of said sex, then maybe it's best to wait until you feel like you're ready to take that chance.

It does sound like he was somewhat pushy about it, and you seem to have difficulty saying no because you worry about hurting someone's feelings or making him disappointed or uncomfortable.

As long as you are willing to look at this as another effing learning experience , no harm, no foul. Let it go and give some thought next time about what you REALLY want, and resolve to go home if your wishes aren't respected.

Oh, and I agree with what SparkleKitty said--not everything that happens to us is a "sign."
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Old 12-06-2015, 02:14 PM
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Hi there. I have not read any of your previous posts yet so forgive me if I am off topic! But when I read this post it struck me that you seem to be looking for a guy and "drama" in your life as a way of escape and thinking that a successful Relationship as and when it arrives will somehow "complete you and make you happy'. A couple of years ago I was in an almost identical situation to your own. Crashing from one Relationship to another, getting off on the drama of it all whilst deep down knowing that it was just wearing away at my self esteem. My Psy then told me I should think about having 12 months "off men"! I found the idea hysterical at the time. The idea of not drinking for a year actually sounded easier than no men for a year!
But after a while I got my head around what he was saying. I was grappling with alcohol, depression, stress... did I really need bad relationships screwing me up even further. So I stopped dating, wiped all my dating site profiles and concentrated on ME and ME and ME. And above all my quest to get sober. I reconnected with family and friends. A year later, despite the alcohol addiction I can see much clearer what I want and most importantly what I don't want from a Relationship. And I know that the last thing I want is an unfulfilling date, relationship, games, second guessing or guys who just want one thing. Life's too short for all that crap and you owe yourself more. Get yourself in to a happy place, love yourself, then the rest will fall into place. I am still not dating. But still don't feel the need to or that I am ready too. But I know I will be soon! All the best to you.
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Old 12-06-2015, 02:18 PM
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When I was still drinking, it left me open to the kinds of interactions with men that I wasn't really looking for. Being open to drinking on a date made it harder for me to enforce my boundaries and easier to get into a situation where inhibitions were low and casual sex was likely, and It allowed me to keep the interest of men who saw drinking as a pastime, where I think probably those same men would now think me a bore. I don't miss them one bit.

Have you ever considered adding a booze ban to your man ban?
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Old 12-06-2015, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
So last night we had our 3rd date went out for a meal and then to his house, we talked for hours before it became obvious he was interested in sex. Initially I said no that I wasn't prepared to sleep with someone I was dating and we somehow got into this debate about how I need to go with the flow and do what feels right and if I wasn't ready for sex he thought I wasn't ready for anything else.
There is nothing wrong with saying no to sex on a third date. A good man will respect the boundaries that a woman communicates, rather than trying to convince her to drop her boundaries. When things started getting serious with the last girl that I dated, she told me one night "this is as far as I want to go tonight." My response? "Okay." Did I want to go further? Of course I did, but pressing the matter would show a lack of respect for her feelings and what she is comfortable with.

I think the most important thing for you to take away from this is that if you state a boundary, you have to be prepared to stick with it. Plant your feet in the ground and stand up for yourself. Don't let someone walk across your boundary, because if you do, that's when you start losing control and fall back into old habits. And I don't think I need to remind anyone here that excess alcohol consumption will loosen your inhibitions to the point where you won't stand up for your boundaries as well as you would when sober, and when you wake up in the morning after letting someone cross your boundary you feel bad about yourself. If you want to break that cycle, the way to do it is to practice reinforcing your boundaries rather than giving in to the urges of others.
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Old 12-06-2015, 03:02 PM
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you were handling it pretty well here:
Initially I said no that I wasn't prepared to sleep with someone I was dating and we somehow got into this debate about how I need to go with the flow and do what feels right and if I wasn't ready for sex he thought I wasn't ready for anything else. I told him it was about respecting myself and I wouldn't sleep with someone who I am only dating especially someone who's dating others, he said he'd last had sex 3 weeks ago just when we started dating. I felt that I was having to justify why I wouldn't have sex with him and that he was trying to convince me I was wrong.

but then, instead of removing yourself from the situation because he WAS NOT RESPECTING YOUR NO:
I had a lot to drink more than I've had in a very long time and I ended up sleeping with him., even though he kept saying he was stubborn and wouldn't sleep with me!!

close this chapter, learn the lesson and move forward. do not continue to engage with this person. he pushed and pushed, plied you with alcohol (altho i presume he didn't pour it down your throat), until he got what he wanted.

you know all to well how alcohol CHANGES things. we find ourselves unable to uphold our OWN values when inebriated. that's the nature of the beast.

no need to dwell and obsess.....but i like what was asked above...what do you think FUN is, for you?
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Old 12-06-2015, 03:55 PM
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Butterfly.....I agree that there is no need to obsess over this.......
And, I would l ike to offer one practical bit of "female" advice.

When you know that you are not ready for a sexual encounter.....never go to a man's house to wind up an evening.
Most men will not turn down sex.....and, most men would like it. so, if you have alcohol and then go to their house late in the evening and engage in hours of conversation...and, sharing personal thoughts and emotions...they are likely to consider this as a prelude to even more intimacy (like sex).
If dating is dating.....meeting to do specific activities, together....then keep it structured like that.
These are boundaries for YOU. It is up to you to convey these limits or messages, clearly, to the other person.
Maybe, you could think about a list of boundaries that you wish for the dating situation. What you are willing to do or not do.
If you are clear (with yourself) and the other person...and these boundaries are not respected....then be swiftly out the door!

Dating is to get to know the other person. That takes time, and, lots of exposure....

Casual sex is not for everyone. Not everyone can handle it.
In general, I think it is harder for women to handle than for men. Women have a rush of bonding hormones (more than men) and that makes it harder for them to "hit and run", so to speak.....

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture from the housemother......

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Old 12-06-2015, 04:02 PM
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Initially I said no that I wasn't prepared to sleep with someone I was dating and we somehow got into this debate about how I need to go with the flow and do what feels right and if I wasn't ready for sex he thought I wasn't ready for anything else. I told him it was about respecting myself and I wouldn't sleep with someone who I am only dating especially someone who's dating others, he said he'd last had sex 3 weeks ago just when we started dating. I felt that I was having to justify why I wouldn't have sex with him and that he was trying to convince me I was wrong. We would drop the subject but he would bring it up again then say I was picking on him or questioning him, when he brought it up again.

This sounds pretty manipulative to me, and I think he sensed that you probably weren't used to enforcing boundaries, so he kept going. I was sexually abused as a child. As a result, I have never felt comfortable saying "no" to sexual activity or even really understood that I was ALLOWED to say no, even when it was totally unwanted. I was programmed at a very young age (like toddlerhood) not to have any type of boundaries about sexual activity or my body. I had it ingrained that I had to go along with whatever guys wanted and it has gotten me into some very bad situations.
Not saying that's your experience, but this seems to be a pattern you've repeated frequently since your axh left for the last time. I used to do something very similar in every single relationship I was ever in. Slept with the guy almost immediately whether I really wanted to or not, and then kind of just hung on for the ride, whether it meant him never calling me again or some kind of ongoing dysfunctional relationship. And I never just casually dated people and didn't sleep with them. I never really knew how to do that. Sex was the only way I knew how to relate to men.
That's one of the biggest reasons I've avoided dating. Even though I'm working through my codependency, I'm still not sure enough of my new boundary setting skills to apply them to a romantic relationship yet.
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Old 12-07-2015, 04:53 AM
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I've had trouble saying no in the past, but there are a few things you can do to not put yourself in this position again.
- don't go to his place at the end of the night
- once you say no, if he doesn't respect it stop arguing and leave
- watch your alcohol intake because it removes inhibitions

If you like a guy and decide you wouldn't mind sleeping with him, take control of the situation. You decide the time and place and the essential protection.
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Old 12-07-2015, 05:09 AM
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I am not sure this guy is a bozo though he may well be. Dandylion is right, if you are dating a guy and don't want to sleep with him then, please, do not go back to his house at the end of a date. Anyone can talk all they want about respecting boundaries but the fact is that many men will assume that sex is somewhat on cards and make a play for it. So don't put yourself in that position.

Once he made his intentions clear and you did not want sex you could have just left saying you would call him tomorrow. Instead you muddied the waters more by staying and drinking and then getting drunk. I wonder what his version of events sounds like? You may or may not be meeting the right guys but you are certainly not dating safe and smart. Just my opinion
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Old 12-07-2015, 05:24 AM
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Butterfly...I would say that knowing you, you don't take sex lightly. So I am going to say it was a mistake, if I am correct. Like everyone else here has said, if you were after casual safe sex for fun, go for it. If you are making emotional ties to someone after a third date, that is a red flag. Too soon. That is just my .02

I am going to be honest here. I think you need to be by yourself for a while and get comfortable with who Butterfly is. Get past all the emotional struggle, and get yourself to a good, stable, happy place. Then...date away.

These are just my thoughts. Whatever you decide to do, we are behind you, always.
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Old 12-07-2015, 11:27 PM
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Thank you everyone. Now that my head has cleared up I am beginning to think more clearly.

I don't take sex lightly and I was never the type of person to sleep around, which is what I feel like I'm doing!!

The alcohol definitely reduced my inhabitions and it has been many years since I drank that amount, I don't know I did feel relaxed in his company something I've never felt around someone who's drinking especially a male except my best friends husband. I don't want to become this girl who sleeps with every guy she dates!!!!

What makes me happy, my kids, my friends, feeling relaxed in my own home I don't really know what else!!
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Old 12-07-2015, 11:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
What makes me happy, my kids, my friends, feeling relaxed in my own home I don't really know what else!!
I'd suggest to focus on those things first, and add other things in once you feel like you have firm control on your boundaries. I've started dating now after taking time off to work on me, and I still remind myself daily to embrace what I am comfortable with and not mold myself to someone else's expectations.
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt View Post
I am not sure this guy is a bozo though he may well be. Dandylion is right, if you are dating a guy and don't want to sleep with him then, please, do not go back to his house at the end of a date. Anyone can talk all they want about respecting boundaries but the fact is that many men will assume that sex is somewhat on cards and make a play for it. So don't put yourself in that position.

Once he made his intentions clear and you did not want sex you could have just left saying you would call him tomorrow. Instead you muddied the waters more by staying and drinking and then getting drunk. I wonder what his version of events sounds like? You may or may not be meeting the right guys but you are certainly not dating safe and smart. Just my opinion
And just to add on this, when he was talking to you about it, and you said no, but then you stayed, there is a possibility that he saw this as a potential yes. Actually, it might have sent some mixed signals and even increased his desire. No does mean no, absolutely, but why stay around a horny guy in his home when he signals he wants sex and you do not want it?
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Old 12-09-2015, 05:13 AM
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Hugs to you and sorry you find yourself back here again . Dandy has given some excellent advice, one of the ways to avoid being put in this position is to not put yourself IN a position where sex is on the table. Don't go to someone's house, don't invite them to yours. Drive yourself to your dates, or take a cab. Do not accept a ride home if you cabbed it. Do not drink too much.

Set your boundaries about this BF and stick to it. It doesn't mean that the subject of sex won't come up, I'm sure it will. "not ready to go there" over a dinner date is much easier and successful than while sitting on a couch, in a home, whilst having your leg rubbed and glass refilled.

As for this guy if you hear from him again I advise to move on.
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Old 12-09-2015, 10:30 AM
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((((Butterfly)))) This is your journey & IDK why you need to go through it this way but apparently you do. I'd hate to see you get hurt 20x to learn this lesson but if that's what it takes for you then that's what it takes, no judgment here.

The IMPORTANT thing is the takeaway & how you use it to create change. What did this event show you & what are going to do differently in the future? What did you learn about YOU?

Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
What makes me happy, my kids, my friends, feeling relaxed in my own home I don't really know what else!!
So, how do you tell potential partners what makes you happy when they ask? How do you help someone get to know you when you can't answer a simple question about your happiness? Don't you think YOU deserve to KNOW what makes you happy, friend?
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