Same mistakes over & over!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Butterfly, I wonder if you are ready to be putting yourself in these dating situations. The ambiguity about what new relationships mean, what emotional and sexual boundaries are good for you - - It seems as if dating is diverting your concentration from healing to the dating issue of the moment.
Why not at least a 3 month hiatus? A year would be better, but 3 months might initially seem palatable. If you knew you were not going to date for that amount of time, then it would be reasonable for you to be alone without feeling rejected or abandoned or unattractive and unwanted.
It would let you try different activities where you might make friends, whether it is the gym, or a craft, or a book club or a hiking group. Those are low-key emotionally, can reward you with a new set of happy people in your life who like to do what you do, just let you settle into your own place of peace.
Right now, it just seems that dating is upsetting you and focusing you more on the guys around you than it is on learning about yourself and recovering.
You would know your solitude was your CHOICE, and I think that can be very freeing. It would let you take real time to sort out who you have been and who you want to be without the pressure of wondering how the last date felt about you and you about him.
ShootingStar1
Why not at least a 3 month hiatus? A year would be better, but 3 months might initially seem palatable. If you knew you were not going to date for that amount of time, then it would be reasonable for you to be alone without feeling rejected or abandoned or unattractive and unwanted.
It would let you try different activities where you might make friends, whether it is the gym, or a craft, or a book club or a hiking group. Those are low-key emotionally, can reward you with a new set of happy people in your life who like to do what you do, just let you settle into your own place of peace.
Right now, it just seems that dating is upsetting you and focusing you more on the guys around you than it is on learning about yourself and recovering.
You would know your solitude was your CHOICE, and I think that can be very freeing. It would let you take real time to sort out who you have been and who you want to be without the pressure of wondering how the last date felt about you and you about him.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
Why not at least a 3 month hiatus? A year would be better, but 3 months might initially seem palatable. If you knew you were not going to date for that amount of time, then it would be reasonable for you to be alone without feeling rejected or abandoned or unattractive and unwanted.
Butterfly, I think ShootingStar is right, and your own instincts were right, about taking a break from men for a while. I don't think you're going to miss out on meeting the man of your dreams by taking a good, long SOLID break from dating. Think of yourself as a nice shop or restaurant (sorry, lol, that's sort of an awkward analogy) that is CLOSED FOR RENOVATIONS.
Get all the major repairs taken care of. Re-invent yourself. I'm not saying you should change everything about yourself--you have some really terrific qualities. But think about what kind of Butterfly would be able to have a happy, stable life--regardless of whether a man is in it or not. It will take some of the pressure off as you feel more comfortable in your own skin. You will start thinking about relationships more as something that might enrich your life, rather than COMPLETE your life, because you'll be a complete person in yourself.
Does that make any sense?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Butterfly, would it be easier to not put a timeline on the hiatus? Maybe it'd be easier at first to say "for now" or "until I feel stronger/freer/more myself" rather than to look at 3 months, 6 months, a year.... IDK, on further thought, the "until I feel stronger/freer/more me" would have freaked me out at first -- I thought that'd take ForevVV-VER, maybe that's not a good one... but something that works for you.
It might make it easier to take in smaller bits and might alleviate any fear of "being alone forever". Because it wouldn't be forever (which is how putting it on a timeline made it feel for me), it'd be for just a little longer. It was easier for me to look at "a little longer" than x more months.
The more "just a little longer" that I gave myself, the steadier I felt on my feet. That's not to say I feel like a rock now all the time, but I feel like I have a better idea of who I am. I'm still working on holding onto that and my boundaries, and I haven't worked out, yet, who I want to be when I grow up. I'm comfortable (most of the time) with the thought that until I figure out who I want to be, a general direction in which I want to go, that I'm OK on my own.
It kind of ties in with your statement about not really knowing what makes you happy. If you (I) were to wait, just a little while longer, and had a better idea of what that is, it'd be at least a little easier to recognize whether or not it's something you have in common with a date, and whether or not that common interest, or lack of, is important.
It might make it easier to take in smaller bits and might alleviate any fear of "being alone forever". Because it wouldn't be forever (which is how putting it on a timeline made it feel for me), it'd be for just a little longer. It was easier for me to look at "a little longer" than x more months.
The more "just a little longer" that I gave myself, the steadier I felt on my feet. That's not to say I feel like a rock now all the time, but I feel like I have a better idea of who I am. I'm still working on holding onto that and my boundaries, and I haven't worked out, yet, who I want to be when I grow up. I'm comfortable (most of the time) with the thought that until I figure out who I want to be, a general direction in which I want to go, that I'm OK on my own.
It kind of ties in with your statement about not really knowing what makes you happy. If you (I) were to wait, just a little while longer, and had a better idea of what that is, it'd be at least a little easier to recognize whether or not it's something you have in common with a date, and whether or not that common interest, or lack of, is important.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Butterfly - If this were me the only change I would really have to make would be to not drink when on dates. Maybe make a rule of not going home with dates until I had worked out ahead of time that I was OK with sleeping with them if the option were to present itself.
The drinking though - I'd have no hope of protecting shaky undefined emotional and physical boundaries (even my rule of not continuing a date at their home) after even a couple drinks. Not when I'm in an emotionally fragile place to begin with. They would all come crashing down and things would become exactly how you describe.
The drinking though - I'd have no hope of protecting shaky undefined emotional and physical boundaries (even my rule of not continuing a date at their home) after even a couple drinks. Not when I'm in an emotionally fragile place to begin with. They would all come crashing down and things would become exactly how you describe.
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