DoubleDragons

So, I hadn't seen my alcoholic mother in a couple of months and she came to stay with me for a few days. While she was here, I saw no signs of drunkenness (no slurring, wobbling, forgetting, etc.) She did drink a small glass and a half of wine with dinner each night and that was it.

I hate these honeymoon periods. They always mess with my hopes and perceptions and they keep her believing that she doesn't have an alcohol problem. She once again had the nerve to talk about people who she thought might be "alcoholics."

I am doing my best to stay detached, but honestly while she continues to drink, I wish she would just be drunk all of the time, instead of this stupid yo-yo.

Just needing to vent.

Liveitwell

I've been there-makes you second guess yourself like crazy. Sure as the sun will rise again, sure she will be a drunk again in the near future-that's the ONLY thing you can count on with an alcoholic.
I know-it stinks to almost get your hopes up-I used to do that....I think as much as he did and used these times as a "see, I'm not bad-I don't have a problem"-I used to view them the same way! We were both in denial!
Sorry you're feeling this way, friend...you know what you know.

DesertEyes

I know what you mean. It's that "random reinforcement" the shrinks talk about that does the most damage. From what I've read on the internet it's how professional torturers mess with a prisoner's mind in order to create the most lasting damage. No wonder my emotions are such a mess.

well.... you know.... the thing about yo-yo's.... is that they have a string you can cut

Mike

hopeful4

Wise words Mike....

DoubleDragons

I think what bothers me most with my mom, is that she thinks that now that she has been on "good behavior" everything should be "hunky dory and all's forgiven and forgotten." She has no idea the impact her alcoholism has on her family, especially since she won't even cop to being an alcoholic.

Liveitwell

^^ DD-my exs favorite saying was that he woke up each day and just started anew-like the previous days didn't matter-that he was over it. Yep. I stupidly thought this was a good trait-it is SO not. It's alcoholism and abuse 101. My ex couldn't see why a week after him hurting me verbally, sexually or other ways that I did not act accordingly and was not bubbly and a loving wife. Geewhiz-how dare I?!?! I feel you-but this is what happens with alcoholics. They leave a trail of destruction to their loved ones to pick up the pieces bc they are too blind to see what they've done-and then they blame you for that. It's disgusting and something I have cut ties with forever. I'm also raining my daughters to not ever be pulled into something like this. I like what Mike said above-you CAN just cut the string abd end it for yourself.

DoubleDragons

I know, I know. I read these threads of people with alcoholic boyfriends and girlfriends (people they are not even married or related to!) and I scream to the screen, "Run for the hills as fast as you can!!", but that comes from a very judgmental part of myself, because I can't seem to cut the ties with my alcoholic. I guess it is because as damaged and a mess as she is, she is the ONLY mother that I will ever have in my life. I have worked very hard on detachment and I think that she can sense that (she has always been a very controlling, sensitive, intuitive person) and realizing she is losing control she is trying to rope me back in with "nice" behavior.

Liveitwell

^^ yep. Textbook. That is what they do. If you don't get roped back in, I would venture to guess her treatment would turn sour and ugly rather quickly. ..because you didn't play her game any longer.

DesertEyes

One of the "pearls of wisdom" I have heard in ACoA meetins is that there is huge differnce between a "mother" and a "mom". A mother is just one of many human beings that happen to share DNA with me. A mom is person who actually is a positive force in my life, and has _nothing_ to do with DNA.

That is why we have concept of a "Family Of Choice". These are people who have become my "surrogate" family, who have _earned_ the right to be loved and cared for because they have loved and cared for me.

Mike

SparkleKitty

My mother hasn't been drinking for several years now, from what I have been told, but there is a big gulf between not-drinking and being in recovery. We are not close . Christmas, Mothers a Day, and birthday acknowledgements only.

My detachment from my mother happened over the course of many years and with a lot of counseling support. The rest of my family implies that I am not fulfilling some sort of obligation to her. I am okay with that. She too has an unfulfilled obligation towards me.

I had to stop expecting her to be different than she was. I am learning to accept her for who she is and how much she is willing to risk to have a connection with me, which is literally nothing. I will never know what it is like to have a mom. That is unfortunate but not insurmountable. I would rather focus on having strong relationships with people who actually want to have them with me than on hoping she will change.