frannie

Here I am again with the latest in the tragic episode in my family's saga. The A daughter is now on probation after spending about 8 days in jail for violating probation by failing a drug test. She has had a new job for about one and one half weeks. Works night shift, 12 hours at least, makes very good money. She was supposed to see probation officer today...realizing, of course, that probation officer would undoubtedly drug test her. She admitted that she cannot take drug test. Last Monday she smoked marijuana with her ex-friend. ..the one that introduced her to cocaine. She finally got wise about friend. They no longer talk. Back to impending drug test. She purchased a drug test and tested herself this morning...marijuana levels were very slight...but she is still afraid to take test. She plans on calling probation officer and telling her she slept late and would have to reschedule for next week. She asked me to call...just one last favor she said...I refused. We just had a long talk. Very depressing...she realizes she has made a mess of her life and needs to get herself straightened out. Hasn't had any of her prescription meds for almost 2 weeks...I know that is true because I have them...today she asked me to flush the sleeping pills down the toilet...I did. Her body and mind are beginning to feel the effects of the lack of drugs. She can barely sleep, is depressed, cries easily, is very irritable, and swears she will kill herself if she has to go back to jail. She was crying the whole time we talked. I was so angry that I just listened and did not offer her any comfort. I told her she made the decisions and she would have to take the consequences. Of course she hates her job, has big blisters all over her hands but realizes she must keep that job until she finds another. I feel depressed now, so sad that she has come to this point again...several years ago in a similar mood she asked to go to rehab. We spent the huge amount of money and sent her. It obviouslly did not work. i am so sad that we are back where we started...only this time her body and mind are de-toxing with no professional help. i worry about suicide, failure to be able to cope so returns to drug use. I have to remind myself that it is not my addiction but hers. That she will serve the jail time, not I. I can no longer enable...but it is so hard no to help just a little. I feel so sorry for her...then I remember what a manipulator she can be and wonder if the whole song and dance was even true. She lies as easily as she tells the truth. I don't think there is any distinction for her between the truth and a lie. I feel so down and out. Will i have to just totally let her go...as in practically disown her to have any peace of mind and heart. She was such a sweet kid...how did she ever turn out to be a drug addict. Any words of encouragement would help...my family is very adamant about having her put back in jail before she hurts me. (I have had 2 open heart surgeries, I have an artificial heart valve). They are so concerned about me that they have written her off completely. I try not to talk to them because they upset me so much with all the negatives. But, you know, it is hard to find a positive in the situation. But I haven't let myself start crying again.

BrownEyes

I am sorry that you are going through this. I put my Mom through the same. My mother learned that she had to stop enabeling me. She was part of the problem. There were years I went with no gifts (birthday, christmas,etc.) because she feared that I would sell those things for a fix. She was right. On hell of a smart woman. Today I can say that my mom did not help me grow in my addiction. I would have to sponsor that on my own. I know that my mom loves me and it killed her to have to do that. But I killed her! Had my mom driving through parking lots of hotels to see if I was alive. That is my guilt. But my mom took a stand that she would not encourage my destructive behavior. She would always feed me and listen to me. That is what I needed then. It is not an easy situation. You probably think where did I sign up for this? What did I do wrong? Can't do that. Have to move on with today and let her make her own choices. Choices that you had nothing to do with. Alot of prayer and faith. My mom has taught me something about being a parent: we can't fix everything all of the time in our kids lives. Sometimes our kids have got to try to fix their own lives. Unfortuanatly that leaves the parents sitting back worrying feeling hopeless. I pray for you and your daughter. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is not the easiest. Like give her what she wants and listen to her lies. Sometimes we have to cut ties and send them on their way, praying that they will come back to us in one piece.

jojo

Frannie -

Has your daughter checked the yellow pages for Alcohol and Drug Treatment Centers? There is help available based on income and need. If she really wants help she could quit her job that she has had such a short time and with no income she might receive treatment for free. It sure is worth checking into. Of course, if she isn't ready, treatment won't help. You or she might want to check into it anyway for when she is ready. Brown Eyes sure had some great words of wisdom for you since she is speaking from experience.

Hang in there.

Jo

Magichappens

((frannie))
Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? It has been a great source of comfort and support for me going through those painful times. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. Hugs, Magic

splendra

(((((((FRANNIE)))))))-

You are doing just fine. She does not need your "help". I hate to see that you were up at 3am writing your post instead of being in bed asleep!!!!

Trust God Frannie He loves you and your daughter so much and He does know what to do for her. He knows how to help her.

Get to some alanon meetings and listen to the voice of God speak through your group and learn about the 12 steps because if you are living the 12 steps it will have a very good influence on your daughter and your own life which is the most important. In my city they have alanon/AA meetings in the same building at the same time perhaps your city has one like that that you and your daughter could go to together. Take care of yourself!!! s

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Frannie.

You are not at all back where you started. The changes you have made in the way you handle things just since you came to the boards have been enormous. And from that mere fact, your daughter is also not back where she started. She used to live in a world where somebody would fix it. Now she doesn't. What she does with that is up to her, but you should feel proud of the strength you've achieved and the fact that you're not participating in keeping the cycle going. You want to help just a little? You are. Your love is unmistakable.

Now, I want to know about this crying thing. LOL Are you saying you simply are not overwhelmed with the sadness of it all to the point of crying? That's great! Or are you saying you're stopping yourself? Because if that's the case... rent a schmaltzy movie, get a box of tissues and go for it. Stuffing emotions is not good for your body. And sadness, in a situation like this, is nothing to be ashamed of. It's sad. And coping with it is tough.

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

Frannie...you have really blossomed! We have to stop participating in their addiction for our own sake. That doesn't mean we don't love them or want to help them. We just have to take a much longer look before we hold our hand out. It looks like you are finding new ways to show that love and that's a good thing.

((Hugs))
JT

frannie

:scared1: Thanks friends, you have as usual helped immensely. Brown Eyes, I have a question for you...how old were you before you finally straightened out and got your life on track, since you seem to be a very together person. I can think of you as an example that all can turn out well. Smoke Gets In My Eyes, you were right, I have been holding in the tears because I am afraid that if I let go I will never be able to stop crying...and when I am through crying..nothing has really changed except the way my face looks. I am also afraid of what effect my crying has on my husband. He worries about me and follows me around when I have been crying as though I am going to have a heart attack or kill myself one. I am trying to spare him the hopeless feeling that i have every moment of every day. It never really leaves me...but he seems to deal with it in a better way than I and i am loathe to interrupt his peace if that is what he has (I don't know). Just writing this has caused me to have to stop and be very still because i was beginning to hyperventilate which I do in times of great stress and sorrow. Honestly, it only happens when I am trying so hard not to cry. It is really scary because I cannot get breathe in my lungs and I make this horrible sound as i am struggling to get air in. But you are right, Smoke, I should go outside or in the bathroom with the door shut and just have a good old cry. Lord knows I have done that often enough in the last month. i will look for myself a private place to have my pity party. i feel like my posts must be so boring and repetitive. i am always whining about the same thing...the daughter never seems to change. i am sorry to be such a drag. i live in a very rural area...a very small town, that has AA I am sure, but since I teach school and know almost everyone in town..at least by sight, i would not feel fair or good going to a local meeting..it would certainly not be anonymous for me or the other people. But I will check out surrounding towns...although getting there at night with teaching school and general exhaustion..I don't remember if i mentioned that i am supposed to rest when I get tired at all because I have had 2 open heart surgeries and have an artificial heart valve. I am only 54...so I hope I have a long time to live with this slight disability. Stress for me, is a real killer, and I am prone to depression from the heart problem and from genetics...rather doubly cursed i suppose. Enough from me. Thanks for listening...now i am going to go try to find someplace to cry privately.

smoke gets in my eyes

Movie. Something like Old Yeller. Nobody blinks if you cry at Old Yeller.

JT

Frannie...can you be honest with your doctor about the stress you are under and your depression? People with chronic health issues often suffer from depression. Add your daughter's roller coaster and you have a double whammy. I am healthy physically but the stress I was feeling with my son caused my body to protest.

My husband Ward worries about me. In the beginning all we did was fight about what to do about the Beav. Now our relationship is in order, the Beav is still doing his thing and Ward is left worrying about his wife. He told me once "I am going through this too" which was a novel idea for me. I was so self absorbed that it never occurred to me, I quess. But he was hurting too.

Hugs and keep in touch,
JT

BrownEyes

I started using drugs and alcohol when I was 12yrs old. I left my parents home when I was 16. Pregnant at 17. My pregnancy straightend me up alot for awhile. There was someone besides me to think about. I got back into the drugs about 6months after his birth. I finally got off of meth when I was about 22yrs old. Since, I have exchanged alcohol for my meth addiction. I rationalized in my mind that one is legal and the other is illegal. Only to my suprise I am again fighting addiction. It also concerns my Mom. I love my Mom and can never fix what I have done to her in my struggle with addiction. So I have learned to try to control it so it dosen't effect her life. But, for me meth and alcohol affect my life completley different. Meth raped me of life completley. Almost killed me. I feel more in control of my alcoholism than I ever did with meth. One no better than the other because it all effects my personal well being and my state of mind. Remember, you MUST take care of yourself. Believe that God is not going to give you any more than you can handle. You have to cry or you will explode. Crying is a natural God given emotion. Don't be ashamed of your situation that will only add stress to you. Find people who are experiencing your same problems and lean on them. Your husband sounds like he is strong but sometimes men react different than women. We tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves. So to answer your question I guess I still haven't straightened up, I have only grown older and relieze that I have problems. I can either ignore them or face them head on. I choose to face them head on. I am allergic to drugs and alcohol. I have a disease and that disease is "addiction". I cannot allow myself to get on my pitty pot and stay there. I have to remind myself that everyone has problems. If it wasn't for my addiction I would not be the person I am today. I may not be as loving and carring of other people if it wasn't for my addiction. I don't know and never will. I pray for you and your daughter and it breaks my heart that you are hurting. As an addict I know how much we can hurt other people. It is almost unfair to the people that have to watch and love us. Can I ask how old your daughter is? You may just have to distance yourself from her for awhile and get out of Gods way. Let her run her course. I know it is hard now, having a child of my own. But, I also know that I cannot be my childs author, by supporting their bad choices. Do go to alanon and find some company,peace, ideas, love, support, etc. It did help my Mom. When she started going I remember thinking "oh ****, this woman is getting some balls"! It wasn't cause she was being mean it was because she loved me and had to find a way to cope as a parent. You deserve the same. Maybe then your daugher will go "oh ****, this woman is getting some balls!" She will either straighten up or go out on her own and do what she has to do. One day she will become tired and come back to you and tell you she loves you. She will probably "thank you for being such a wonderful mother". I wish this would happen tomorrow for you but be patient. If there is anything I can do to help your daughter have her come here and we can chat. I am no saint and like I said I'm still struggling with my addiction. But, I have beat one and am working on another. :ilu

Michaela

jojo

Frannie -

If you go to a local Alanon meeting you might be surprised at who you find there! Are you ashamed that you need help? Everyone of the people at Alanon have been through the same struggle that you have to reach out. They keep coming back because it works. No one will think less of you for going. Your daughter being an addict is not your fault. You are not going to Alanon to find out how to "fix" your daughter. You are going to learn how to help yourself. There will be other parents there who are going through what you are. You are a teacher and maybe Alanon will not only make you a better person but a better teacher. Please don't be ashamed of going to Alanon in your own community. It is not only closer but your support system will be right there where you need them.

Good luck to you.

Hugs, Jo