When do i cut ties between my daughter and her dad
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 11
When do i cut ties between my daughter and her dad
So I wrote here about a week ago regarding my heartbreak over my boyfriend/father of my child starting a new rehab romance. Within a week he was at her family's house for thanksgiving which included her daughter when he hasn't seen ours in months.. Was two months sober but heard through the grape vine that he relapsed briefly this past week. "briefly".
ANYWHO..
I need some insight on what to do about our daughter. I have been to nar-anon but haven't had the courage to speak too much yet. He hasn't been in her life consistently since she was 6 months old, this past year being only a few visits where I had to drive two hours to take her to see him.
Now that he is supposedly better (got kicked out because he didn't want to take vivitrol and I'm thinking he used..and is homeless) BUT IN HIS WORDS HES WELL. He is insisting he see her. For once he wants to take a bus here and make that effort. However I really don't think its fair. I don't want him in my life at all. All he has done for the past two years is stab me in the back and literally ruin who I am as a person. I have raised my daughter and am a wonderful mother in nursing school full time. He has another son on the way with someone who he refuses to acknowledge.
The question here is..when is it okay to say no to visiting his daughter? Am I being a bad mother? She doesn't really know him at all and at two and a half I can't imagine how confusing it will be to see him so sporadically. She asks men in the supermarket and at family parties if they are her dad. It's so sad and truly humiliating for me. I just want to know if making the decision to keep her from him is selfish after two years of him not being there. I just want to cut ties completely and move on just me and my daughter.
I have full physical and parental custody, he has none.
ANYWHO..
I need some insight on what to do about our daughter. I have been to nar-anon but haven't had the courage to speak too much yet. He hasn't been in her life consistently since she was 6 months old, this past year being only a few visits where I had to drive two hours to take her to see him.
Now that he is supposedly better (got kicked out because he didn't want to take vivitrol and I'm thinking he used..and is homeless) BUT IN HIS WORDS HES WELL. He is insisting he see her. For once he wants to take a bus here and make that effort. However I really don't think its fair. I don't want him in my life at all. All he has done for the past two years is stab me in the back and literally ruin who I am as a person. I have raised my daughter and am a wonderful mother in nursing school full time. He has another son on the way with someone who he refuses to acknowledge.
The question here is..when is it okay to say no to visiting his daughter? Am I being a bad mother? She doesn't really know him at all and at two and a half I can't imagine how confusing it will be to see him so sporadically. She asks men in the supermarket and at family parties if they are her dad. It's so sad and truly humiliating for me. I just want to know if making the decision to keep her from him is selfish after two years of him not being there. I just want to cut ties completely and move on just me and my daughter.
I have full physical and parental custody, he has none.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Unless you have a custody/visitation order, he has equal rights to her, legally. Of course, you can say, "no" and he will have to go to court. Unless, of course, he decides to just grab her from school or the yard, and then YOU will have to go to court to get her back.
If I were you, I'd be in court getting a custody/support/visitation order. The visitation order could require supervision if she is at risk in his company.
If I were you, I'd be in court getting a custody/support/visitation order. The visitation order could require supervision if she is at risk in his company.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 11
I'm sorry I think I worded this wrong.
There is no order. She was born out of wedlock and in Massachusetts that means the mother automatically has all rights to the child. He has never filed for visitation.
What I meant was when is it ethically okay? When does the time come when I say enough is enough and block him from both of our lives. He never once has come to seen her on his own, and has never payed child support. He is addicted to heroin and homeless. I don't see how letting him see her is fair in any way.
There is no order. She was born out of wedlock and in Massachusetts that means the mother automatically has all rights to the child. He has never filed for visitation.
What I meant was when is it ethically okay? When does the time come when I say enough is enough and block him from both of our lives. He never once has come to seen her on his own, and has never payed child support. He is addicted to heroin and homeless. I don't see how letting him see her is fair in any way.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
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Originally Posted by AlG330 
What I meant was when is it ethically okay?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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In that case, the best thing might be to just quit taking his calls. If he shows up unannounced don't let him in. If he won't leave, call the police. I see no benefit to exposing your child to a homeless heroin addict, whatever their technical relationship might be. She is so young, but it sounds like this has already been horribly confusing for her.
What a horrible situation. It sounds like you're doing really well, other than having to worry about his crap. It's heartbreaking to read about your daughter having to deal with this. I am so sorry. I think no contact with him is the way to go here since you're legally in the clear as far as custody/visitation goes. Maybe give him a coupon for a free vasectomy as a parting gift, if you're so inclined. Ugh.
What a horrible situation. It sounds like you're doing really well, other than having to worry about his crap. It's heartbreaking to read about your daughter having to deal with this. I am so sorry. I think no contact with him is the way to go here since you're legally in the clear as far as custody/visitation goes. Maybe give him a coupon for a free vasectomy as a parting gift, if you're so inclined. Ugh.
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Join Date: May 2010
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If you think it's a bad idea, say no. He wants to come and make a visit...so he can relapse and disappear again? No.
Tell him to be clean for a LONG period of time and have his life together and you will think about it, maybe.
That's just my .02
Tell him to be clean for a LONG period of time and have his life together and you will think about it, maybe.
That's just my .02
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AIG330......I guess I will be the one more p ragmatic voice, here......
While he certainly is not up for the dad of the year award......to cut off a child....entirely and forever is likely to backfire in the future for the CHILD.....
She may, one day, say...."why did you never let me see o r know my daddy?"
She may blame you that she is without a father......and resent you terrible.....(fair or not).
It occurs, to me, that, getting the necessary legal help and advice that you need.....and allow him visitation in a very structured way.....meaning--that it is a supervised visit......not with him staying in the home, either.
As she is older....you can explain to her the circumstances of her father....the addiction, and all......
This is my take on your situation.....
Why is he not contributing child support? Child support and visitation are two separate issues, as I understand it.
dandylion
While he certainly is not up for the dad of the year award......to cut off a child....entirely and forever is likely to backfire in the future for the CHILD.....
She may, one day, say...."why did you never let me see o r know my daddy?"
She may blame you that she is without a father......and resent you terrible.....(fair or not).
It occurs, to me, that, getting the necessary legal help and advice that you need.....and allow him visitation in a very structured way.....meaning--that it is a supervised visit......not with him staying in the home, either.
As she is older....you can explain to her the circumstances of her father....the addiction, and all......
This is my take on your situation.....
Why is he not contributing child support? Child support and visitation are two separate issues, as I understand it.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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He wouldn't necessarily be cut off forever. If he wanted visitation he could take the initiative and file for it legally instead of randomly dropping in to disrupt their lives. He might be avoiding that because it would mean putting himself in the position of acknowledging and therefore financially supporting his child.
I don't know, this whole thing feels more like he is using various women for a soft landing, keeping them tied to him by turning on a "family man" act for as long as it suits him, then dropping off the face of the earth and onto his next victim.
I've been thinking a lot about your daughter asking men if they are her daddy. I just cannot get that out of my mind. It's so heartbreaking. Do you have a picture of him? Just one framed photo in her room or you could make her a little album of family pictures- Grandma, Grandpa, Mommy and one of her dad if you have it. Both my sons have a collage of family pictures hanging on their wall.
Maybe you could give her an explanation about him having a disease. She is so little, but that worked with my 6 yo son. It explained why we didn't live with daddy anymore, why daddy sometimes sounds funny on the phone, etc.
I don't know. This is so hard. I don't think there is one totally right answer other than to trust yourself. You know what's best for your daughter, and that includes having a happy, healthy mom.
I don't know, this whole thing feels more like he is using various women for a soft landing, keeping them tied to him by turning on a "family man" act for as long as it suits him, then dropping off the face of the earth and onto his next victim.
I've been thinking a lot about your daughter asking men if they are her daddy. I just cannot get that out of my mind. It's so heartbreaking. Do you have a picture of him? Just one framed photo in her room or you could make her a little album of family pictures- Grandma, Grandpa, Mommy and one of her dad if you have it. Both my sons have a collage of family pictures hanging on their wall.
Maybe you could give her an explanation about him having a disease. She is so little, but that worked with my 6 yo son. It explained why we didn't live with daddy anymore, why daddy sometimes sounds funny on the phone, etc.
I don't know. This is so hard. I don't think there is one totally right answer other than to trust yourself. You know what's best for your daughter, and that includes having a happy, healthy mom.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Lady and hopeful are on the money...I agree totally. It is well within your rights to say NO-if something is not in the best interest of your child, the answer is NO. And he certainly cannot be expected to make decisions that are in your child's best interest. While typical, these boys (they are not men in any sense of the word) just don't give a rats ass how their behaviors impact others. Period. My ex did not so much as pick up the phone for almost a year to speak to his children-too busy getting drunk and screwing God knows who-instead of getting his life together so he could be a good parent or even a good person -which he is not, not even remotely. You need to do what's best for your child-if dad cleans up his act and wants visitation a LONG time in the future, well, then you cross that bridge when you get there.
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I would have no problem saying no. This doesn't mean no forever, no right now.
My State has the same laws, there must be a DNA test for paternity, then child support and custody. I take it you haven't received a penny for child support - and it sounds like a whole lot of aggravation.
I don't feel that a person deserves visitation with their child when their contribution is that of a sperm donor. You raise the child, pay for the child, and then when it meets his schedule he gets to come say hi for 2 hours? Oh hell no.
Perhaps you could make a boundary of what it would take for him to have involvement in her life and see if he can meet it. Frankly a father that disappears all the time, and is no show is far worse than acceptance that everyone just might be better off without his involvement. Didn't have to be this way.....he chose it to be this way.
My State has the same laws, there must be a DNA test for paternity, then child support and custody. I take it you haven't received a penny for child support - and it sounds like a whole lot of aggravation.
I don't feel that a person deserves visitation with their child when their contribution is that of a sperm donor. You raise the child, pay for the child, and then when it meets his schedule he gets to come say hi for 2 hours? Oh hell no.
Perhaps you could make a boundary of what it would take for him to have involvement in her life and see if he can meet it. Frankly a father that disappears all the time, and is no show is far worse than acceptance that everyone just might be better off without his involvement. Didn't have to be this way.....he chose it to be this way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Sorry for the misunderstanding; the laws do vary from one jurisdiction to another. It's hard to judge what will turn out to be best for her in the future. It seems to me that for right now you can say "no." Of course, if he takes legal action he might be granted visitation rights and there probably won't be a lot you can do to prevent him from getting that, though you might be able to put some protections in place until he's solidly sober.
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There is no order. She was born out of wedlock and in Massachusetts that means the mother automatically has all rights to the child. He has never filed for visitation.
Ethically, IMO, you're within your rights to decide when and if he can see your daughter. I agree seeing him sporadically will confuse her. If he cares enough he can go to court and file for parental rights.
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Right now. It's OK right now.
The answer is right now. Being a bad parent is when you knowingly and willingly expose your kids to danger and pain when you don't have to do so.
Originally Posted by AlG330
The question here is..when is it okay to say no to visiting his daughter?
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