Trying to support my alcoholic boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 3
Trying to support my alcoholic boyfriend
Hi there,
I guess I am just looking for some support. I have done a lot of reading... I just want to try to do the right things for my boyfriend.
We have been together for 3 years (just recently celebrated our anniversary). It has defninitely had its ups and downs and his drinking has really been an issue the last two years.
It is a complicated relationship to begin with as it is long distance. We met when I was working in the US, now I am back in Canada, full time student. He travels for work (independet contractor) and is surrounded by alcohol and the party mentality when he is away.
I broke up with him last week... I couldn't take it anymore... His behaviour and lifestyle was breaking my heart... Then he came out with it and addmiteed that he is an alcoholic and can't control himself once he begins.. I told him if he wants to deal with it I will be there for him 100%
He wants to deal.. I just don't know what I am supposed to do, how I am supposed to do it.
I have offered to go to meetings with him.. I have stopped drinking. I have done all kinds of reading and am trying to be proactive.. I want to be supportive without being pushy, and concerned with out being interrogative... But I feel like everything I do is too much in his view...
Does anyone have any advice for me?
I am particularly terrified that when he goes home he is going to fall into old habits. Being an "international" relationship it is not a simple as just being together...
I am so on the fence... I myself am a recovered bullimic and have been struggling for years with grief after loosing my mum and very best friend in a tragic house fire... I am not sure I have the constitution to deal with this. I just don't want to let him down...
Have you been there? I don't have any friends with similar experiences.. I am struggling trying to translate this into real life....
Thanks xx
I guess I am just looking for some support. I have done a lot of reading... I just want to try to do the right things for my boyfriend.
We have been together for 3 years (just recently celebrated our anniversary). It has defninitely had its ups and downs and his drinking has really been an issue the last two years.
It is a complicated relationship to begin with as it is long distance. We met when I was working in the US, now I am back in Canada, full time student. He travels for work (independet contractor) and is surrounded by alcohol and the party mentality when he is away.
I broke up with him last week... I couldn't take it anymore... His behaviour and lifestyle was breaking my heart... Then he came out with it and addmiteed that he is an alcoholic and can't control himself once he begins.. I told him if he wants to deal with it I will be there for him 100%
He wants to deal.. I just don't know what I am supposed to do, how I am supposed to do it.
I have offered to go to meetings with him.. I have stopped drinking. I have done all kinds of reading and am trying to be proactive.. I want to be supportive without being pushy, and concerned with out being interrogative... But I feel like everything I do is too much in his view...
Does anyone have any advice for me?
I am particularly terrified that when he goes home he is going to fall into old habits. Being an "international" relationship it is not a simple as just being together...
I am so on the fence... I myself am a recovered bullimic and have been struggling for years with grief after loosing my mum and very best friend in a tragic house fire... I am not sure I have the constitution to deal with this. I just don't want to let him down...
Have you been there? I don't have any friends with similar experiences.. I am struggling trying to translate this into real life....
Thanks xx
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Dearest tmBoyd... babe from the bottom of the line.. your young.. working hard.. in the right direction for a good life.. dump the bump and have a better life and enjoy yourself.. there are so many great guys out there.. hold this group tight.. its been a rough day for a bunch of us.. but they helped me fell better.. know they will hold you tight too.. hugs and prayers Wisconsin...
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
What is he doing for himself? Admitting he has a problem is a great first step but then he must actually do something. He needs a program or therapy or something.
As for what you can do simply not being a needy, whining, pushy pest is doing enough. You can't lead him into recovery or take him through it. Only another alcoholic can do that type of work. But, he has to actually want sobriety and be willing to accept he can never drink again
As for what you can do simply not being a needy, whining, pushy pest is doing enough. You can't lead him into recovery or take him through it. Only another alcoholic can do that type of work. But, he has to actually want sobriety and be willing to accept he can never drink again
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I have offered to go to meetings with him.. I have stopped drinking. I have done all kinds of reading and am trying to be proactive.. I want to be supportive without being pushy, and concerned with out being interrogative...
What is HE doing for HIS recovery?
Counter-intuitive as it sounds, the best way to help him is to take a great big step back and let him handle his own recovery. If he's serious about "dealing with" his drinking, he needs to be the one to do it.
You can support him by attending Alanon meetings. Maybe put the relationship on hold until he has a solid year of recovery.
What is HE doing for HIS recovery?
Counter-intuitive as it sounds, the best way to help him is to take a great big step back and let him handle his own recovery. If he's serious about "dealing with" his drinking, he needs to be the one to do it.
You can support him by attending Alanon meetings. Maybe put the relationship on hold until he has a solid year of recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And just to further clarify what ladyscribbler said, Al-Anon is really for YOU, not him. It supports him in an indirect way--to the extent you are focusing on yourself and dealing with the effects his drinking has had on you, you are not all in his business trying to guide and supervise his recovery.
That is, IF he chooses recovery. As noted above, admitting the problem is an important first step but as a recovered alcoholic myself, it was more than 4 years from the time I admitted I had a "problem" with drinking until I was ready to quit. And during that time my alcoholism continued to progress (which is what happens until the alcoholic decides to QUIT drinking, FOR GOOD, and finds a way to live happily without alcohol).
It can be a long and twisty road, and some people never get beyond realizing they have a problem. They try all kinds of different ways, typically, to first avoid having to quit drinking for good and second find a way to do that effectively so they aren't simply white-knuckling--trying not to drink based on sheer will power.
You can suggest AA to him--it's what has worked for me and tons of other people. But whether he goes, and whether he actually WORKS the program (which involves a lot more than just meetings) is up to him.
Oh, and welcome, glad you're here.
That is, IF he chooses recovery. As noted above, admitting the problem is an important first step but as a recovered alcoholic myself, it was more than 4 years from the time I admitted I had a "problem" with drinking until I was ready to quit. And during that time my alcoholism continued to progress (which is what happens until the alcoholic decides to QUIT drinking, FOR GOOD, and finds a way to live happily without alcohol).
It can be a long and twisty road, and some people never get beyond realizing they have a problem. They try all kinds of different ways, typically, to first avoid having to quit drinking for good and second find a way to do that effectively so they aren't simply white-knuckling--trying not to drink based on sheer will power.
You can suggest AA to him--it's what has worked for me and tons of other people. But whether he goes, and whether he actually WORKS the program (which involves a lot more than just meetings) is up to him.
Oh, and welcome, glad you're here.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Welcome to the forums tmboyd. As far as things that you can actually do to help him, there are a few actions but they mostly revolve around focusing inward on yourself and analyzing your own behavior in an objective way to make sure that you are taking care of your own needs first and foremost.
Here's a list of things you can do:
- You can suggest 12 step recovery programs for him such as AA or a structured rehab that involves actively working a program. However, if he isn't receptive to the idea of really working a program (i.e. he says meetings aren't for him, he can do it by himself, he will learn to moderate himself, etc), then this pretty much nullifies any other possible actions you could take to help him. People who try to get clean under their own power and their own supervision very rarely succeed in stopping for good, and even if they do manage to beat the odds and quit, they don't take the time to deal with the underlying behaviors or issues that caused them to become alcoholic in the first place, which often leads to them being a 'dry drunk,' or someone who doesn't drink but still behaves in the same way. A big part of those 12 step programs is to deal with the underlying issues behind the alcoholism to promote real recovery.
- You can refrain from participating in conversations with him if he has been drinking and you feel that the discussion is heading towards a conflict. This is part of what's called detaching or disengaging.
- You can set boundaries for yourself with regard to what you are willing to accept in your life. Note that boundaries are rules for what you accept in your life, as opposed to rules for what you accept in someone else's life, which are ultimatums. For example, a boundary would be "I won't visit with him while he's drinking," and an ultimatum would be "You're not allowed to drink while I'm visiting you." You can't control his behavior. You can only choose how to react to it. Boundaries do work for you, but ultimatums 99% of the time will achieve the opposite effect of your desired outcome.
- You can attend Al Anon meetings (not the same as AA - Al Anon is for people who have been impacted by somebody else's drinking, and want to learn methods on how to better deal with what they're going through).
The most important lesson to learn is that his recovery has to happen under his own power, from his own desire to change. He has to want recovery more than he wants his current way of living, and he has to want it every day, one day at a time, for the rest of his life. If he only wants to get clean to win you back, chances are it won't be good enough. He has to want to get clean for himself, and not for anybody else.
I would recommend against going to open AA meetings with him, simply because those meetings are meant to be an honest and open discussion between people like him who are either trying to get sober, or who have achieved sobriety and know how to call others out on identifying their 'reasons for drinking' as excuses for the choices they make day to day. Having you there beside him may cause him to put up a barrier and be more reluctant to share his story with his peers, because a lot of tough love and self discovery happens in AA. For someone going through addiction, recovery can be extremely intense and he needs to be able to focus on himself rather than on your presence beside him in those meetings. For the same reason, I recommend against asking him about what happened during his meetings, because they are very personal and his recovery is his own job, not yours.
I would recommend you read the stickies at the top of this forum, and also head down to the library and borrow a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie, or pick it up at any major bookstore and give it a read. You'll find real good advice about detaching in a healthy way and avoiding classic mistakes that people make when they try to help addicts, but actually end up harming them.
Lastly, if you don't feel like you have the strength to deal with his recovery, you may be relieved to know that you aren't in any way obligated to fix his problems for him. He is a grown adult and will have to put his big boy pants on by himself, and your role is simply to watch him and decide whether you feel he's had any real progress towards recovery.
Everybody who posts on this forum has been in a relationship with an alcoholic at some point in their lives, and so all the posts you'll hear in response come from personal experience. The general consensus that you'll hear from people is that alcoholism is progressive (it only gets worse with time if the addict isn't in recovery and working a program), it can permanently change a person's attitudes and behavior, and that if someone shows you at any point in time that they don't really want to change their lifestyle (i.e. grudgingly going to rehab, going to AA but not working the steps, lying about the state of their recovery), you're better off cutting your losses and leaving that person to their own devices. It is better to take care of yourself than to let someone drag you down into constant misery.
Here's a list of things you can do:
- You can suggest 12 step recovery programs for him such as AA or a structured rehab that involves actively working a program. However, if he isn't receptive to the idea of really working a program (i.e. he says meetings aren't for him, he can do it by himself, he will learn to moderate himself, etc), then this pretty much nullifies any other possible actions you could take to help him. People who try to get clean under their own power and their own supervision very rarely succeed in stopping for good, and even if they do manage to beat the odds and quit, they don't take the time to deal with the underlying behaviors or issues that caused them to become alcoholic in the first place, which often leads to them being a 'dry drunk,' or someone who doesn't drink but still behaves in the same way. A big part of those 12 step programs is to deal with the underlying issues behind the alcoholism to promote real recovery.
- You can refrain from participating in conversations with him if he has been drinking and you feel that the discussion is heading towards a conflict. This is part of what's called detaching or disengaging.
- You can set boundaries for yourself with regard to what you are willing to accept in your life. Note that boundaries are rules for what you accept in your life, as opposed to rules for what you accept in someone else's life, which are ultimatums. For example, a boundary would be "I won't visit with him while he's drinking," and an ultimatum would be "You're not allowed to drink while I'm visiting you." You can't control his behavior. You can only choose how to react to it. Boundaries do work for you, but ultimatums 99% of the time will achieve the opposite effect of your desired outcome.
- You can attend Al Anon meetings (not the same as AA - Al Anon is for people who have been impacted by somebody else's drinking, and want to learn methods on how to better deal with what they're going through).
The most important lesson to learn is that his recovery has to happen under his own power, from his own desire to change. He has to want recovery more than he wants his current way of living, and he has to want it every day, one day at a time, for the rest of his life. If he only wants to get clean to win you back, chances are it won't be good enough. He has to want to get clean for himself, and not for anybody else.
I would recommend against going to open AA meetings with him, simply because those meetings are meant to be an honest and open discussion between people like him who are either trying to get sober, or who have achieved sobriety and know how to call others out on identifying their 'reasons for drinking' as excuses for the choices they make day to day. Having you there beside him may cause him to put up a barrier and be more reluctant to share his story with his peers, because a lot of tough love and self discovery happens in AA. For someone going through addiction, recovery can be extremely intense and he needs to be able to focus on himself rather than on your presence beside him in those meetings. For the same reason, I recommend against asking him about what happened during his meetings, because they are very personal and his recovery is his own job, not yours.
I would recommend you read the stickies at the top of this forum, and also head down to the library and borrow a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie, or pick it up at any major bookstore and give it a read. You'll find real good advice about detaching in a healthy way and avoiding classic mistakes that people make when they try to help addicts, but actually end up harming them.
Lastly, if you don't feel like you have the strength to deal with his recovery, you may be relieved to know that you aren't in any way obligated to fix his problems for him. He is a grown adult and will have to put his big boy pants on by himself, and your role is simply to watch him and decide whether you feel he's had any real progress towards recovery.
Everybody who posts on this forum has been in a relationship with an alcoholic at some point in their lives, and so all the posts you'll hear in response come from personal experience. The general consensus that you'll hear from people is that alcoholism is progressive (it only gets worse with time if the addict isn't in recovery and working a program), it can permanently change a person's attitudes and behavior, and that if someone shows you at any point in time that they don't really want to change their lifestyle (i.e. grudgingly going to rehab, going to AA but not working the steps, lying about the state of their recovery), you're better off cutting your losses and leaving that person to their own devices. It is better to take care of yourself than to let someone drag you down into constant misery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Awesome post, Thomas!
The only thing I would add is that I think going to OPEN AA meetings WITHOUT the alcoholic can be very, very enlightening. I agree that going with the alcoholic isn't a good idea--it's fine, once he's established with his group and has been sober for several months, to go to an OCCASIONAL meeting together. I enjoyed meeting his friends and sober buddies. But in the beginning he needs to get his own butt there without you as a prop.
Open AA meetings are open to EVERYONE--family and friends, students, clinicians, people who are simply curious. So going on your own to an open AA meeting will let you learn a lot about alcoholism, recovery, and AA.
The only thing I would add is that I think going to OPEN AA meetings WITHOUT the alcoholic can be very, very enlightening. I agree that going with the alcoholic isn't a good idea--it's fine, once he's established with his group and has been sober for several months, to go to an OCCASIONAL meeting together. I enjoyed meeting his friends and sober buddies. But in the beginning he needs to get his own butt there without you as a prop.
Open AA meetings are open to EVERYONE--family and friends, students, clinicians, people who are simply curious. So going on your own to an open AA meeting will let you learn a lot about alcoholism, recovery, and AA.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Tmboyd-
I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was very young. I started to get help for it when I was 23 and continue to get support around my recovery from that many years later.
While recoverying myself I met, loved and married a problem drinker. We dated long-distance for a considerable time prior to moving closer to each other.
A couple of things that I struggled with at first when I realized he had an alcohol problem.
1. My addiction and challenges were NOT the cause of all the problems in the relationship. My junk did not cause, could not control and fixing my stuff could not cure his addiction. His addiction was his, mine was mine. I kept thinking I knew what was driving his addiction because he used drink like I used food......but I could not wrap my head around that he needed to learn a different relationship with those triggers and me trying to take them away would not help him. He is going to use drink because he struggles with alcohol. He might use it to celebrate, when he is sad, when he is happy etc. That is on him, not me.
2. That I had gotten help for my addiction, for me, my recovery was on me and I could not have done it until I was ready to do it. I could not translate that into another's addiction. You can't do this for him....he needs to want it and do it for himself.
3. That Al-Anon would be helpful for me....eating disorder recovery and recovery from my co-dependency in addition to loving a problem drinker. For a long time I kept all my recovery behavior in boxes....this is what I need to do for my eating disorder....I don't need anything else. Luckily after getting to Al-Anon I realized that recovery behavior is just that and all of it helps me with my recovery from all of it. Al-Anon for me was about learning loving detachment and boundaries and what was mine/his. Guess what I did not have to talk about food at all, but it helped my food behaviors too. Go figure.
4. Finally this may not have any bearing on your relationship but it was a big one for me. I coped with an eating disorder because I was incapable/scared to have feelings. My problem drinker was great at "having" and expressing feelings (especially when he had a few). I thought this was so healthy (because at the time I was so incapable of doing this myself). I could not see that he could only have emotions with drink (so he was using alcohol to have emotions). I used food to stuff emotions. Neither was healthy, but it looked so different from what I did that I thought it must be good.
Welcome. Keep coming back. I am sorry for the reason that brought you here, but glad you arrived.
I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was very young. I started to get help for it when I was 23 and continue to get support around my recovery from that many years later.
While recoverying myself I met, loved and married a problem drinker. We dated long-distance for a considerable time prior to moving closer to each other.
A couple of things that I struggled with at first when I realized he had an alcohol problem.
1. My addiction and challenges were NOT the cause of all the problems in the relationship. My junk did not cause, could not control and fixing my stuff could not cure his addiction. His addiction was his, mine was mine. I kept thinking I knew what was driving his addiction because he used drink like I used food......but I could not wrap my head around that he needed to learn a different relationship with those triggers and me trying to take them away would not help him. He is going to use drink because he struggles with alcohol. He might use it to celebrate, when he is sad, when he is happy etc. That is on him, not me.
2. That I had gotten help for my addiction, for me, my recovery was on me and I could not have done it until I was ready to do it. I could not translate that into another's addiction. You can't do this for him....he needs to want it and do it for himself.
3. That Al-Anon would be helpful for me....eating disorder recovery and recovery from my co-dependency in addition to loving a problem drinker. For a long time I kept all my recovery behavior in boxes....this is what I need to do for my eating disorder....I don't need anything else. Luckily after getting to Al-Anon I realized that recovery behavior is just that and all of it helps me with my recovery from all of it. Al-Anon for me was about learning loving detachment and boundaries and what was mine/his. Guess what I did not have to talk about food at all, but it helped my food behaviors too. Go figure.
4. Finally this may not have any bearing on your relationship but it was a big one for me. I coped with an eating disorder because I was incapable/scared to have feelings. My problem drinker was great at "having" and expressing feelings (especially when he had a few). I thought this was so healthy (because at the time I was so incapable of doing this myself). I could not see that he could only have emotions with drink (so he was using alcohol to have emotions). I used food to stuff emotions. Neither was healthy, but it looked so different from what I did that I thought it must be good.
Welcome. Keep coming back. I am sorry for the reason that brought you here, but glad you arrived.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 3
Wow I am blown away by your responses! THANK YOU! It is such a relief and weight off to be able to speak to people who really understand.
You are all right... So far he has not been drinking and I know that will last while it is just the two of us... I am just going to have to do my best while he is here and understand the possibilities when he goes...
I was so ready to leave... And I know I can only control myself.. But I just can't get my mind around leaving a friend/lover in need...
I appreciate all of your advice. I will be seeking help for myself... To make sure his disease doesn't get the best of me and cause me to say or do something I might regret... If I leave I need to be sure.. And if I stay I need to be sure...
Starting with simple things I have some questions.
* what kind of activities worked for you guys? I am into exersise and outdoor activities.. He is not, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling ****** from abusing alcohol
* I we are both big sports fans... But I think that is a huge trigger for him...
* his friends and family go hard with the alcohol... His father is definitely an alcoholic... Is it too much to ask about this stuff, what he expects? How he is prepared to handle going back to his world?
I have so many questions that I am dying to ask but I am a little apprehensive.
Thanks again, I feel more level headed after reading your messages.
You are all right... So far he has not been drinking and I know that will last while it is just the two of us... I am just going to have to do my best while he is here and understand the possibilities when he goes...
I was so ready to leave... And I know I can only control myself.. But I just can't get my mind around leaving a friend/lover in need...
I appreciate all of your advice. I will be seeking help for myself... To make sure his disease doesn't get the best of me and cause me to say or do something I might regret... If I leave I need to be sure.. And if I stay I need to be sure...
Starting with simple things I have some questions.
* what kind of activities worked for you guys? I am into exersise and outdoor activities.. He is not, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling ****** from abusing alcohol
* I we are both big sports fans... But I think that is a huge trigger for him...
* his friends and family go hard with the alcohol... His father is definitely an alcoholic... Is it too much to ask about this stuff, what he expects? How he is prepared to handle going back to his world?
I have so many questions that I am dying to ask but I am a little apprehensive.
Thanks again, I feel more level headed after reading your messages.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 3
Wow, thank you for sharing...
I see what you mean about wanting to remove the triggers... That is my mentality too... Get rid of the triggers... Clean house. Take care of your body. Eat right, excersise...
For me when I treat my body well it is easier to push the bad thoughts and feelings out...
But you are right.. That is me... He has to do what works for him I guess..
Thanks again. I will be reading and rereading these messages over and over in the coming weeks and months I expect.
I see what you mean about wanting to remove the triggers... That is my mentality too... Get rid of the triggers... Clean house. Take care of your body. Eat right, excersise...
For me when I treat my body well it is easier to push the bad thoughts and feelings out...
But you are right.. That is me... He has to do what works for him I guess..
Thanks again. I will be reading and rereading these messages over and over in the coming weeks and months I expect.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by tmboyd 
Starting with simple things I have some questions.
* what kind of activities worked for you guys? I am into exersise and outdoor activities.. He is not, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling ****** from abusing alcohol
* what kind of activities worked for you guys? I am into exersise and outdoor activities.. He is not, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling ****** from abusing alcohol
* I we are both big sports fans... But I think that is a huge trigger for him...
* his friends and family go hard with the alcohol... His father is definitely an alcoholic... Is it too much to ask about this stuff, what he expects? How he is prepared to handle going back to his world?
I have so many questions that I am dying to ask but I am a little apprehensive.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Why not attend Al Anon for you, work on you and change so that you won't repeat this experience?
Don't change what you like to do just because he doesn't....find someone who shares your interests in sports, exercise and outdoor activities and whatever else you like to do......
Hugs and love to you
Don't change what you like to do just because he doesn't....find someone who shares your interests in sports, exercise and outdoor activities and whatever else you like to do......
Hugs and love to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I was there earlier this year. I'd recommend alanon and reading everything you can on addiction and codependency. If you're a child of addiction or abuse also read on adult children of dysfunctional families. All of this completeley opened my eyes as to how i got where i was. Focus on yourself as much as possible. As others have said setting boundaries is hugely important. If he crosses these boundaries it's important for you to stand up for yourself. Read a lot on here. Good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by tmboyd
I was so ready to leave... And I know I can only control myself.. But I just can't get my mind around leaving a friend/lover in need...
I appreciate all of your advice. I will be seeking help for myself... To make sure his disease doesn't get the best of me and cause me to say or do something I might regret... If I leave I need to be sure.. And if I stay I need to be sure...
Starting with simple things I have some questions.
* what kind of activities worked for you guys? I am into exersise and outdoor activities.. He is not, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling ****** from abusing alcohol
* I we are both big sports fans... But I think that is a huge trigger for him...
* his friends and family go hard with the alcohol... His father is definitely an alcoholic... Is it too much to ask about this stuff, what he expects? How he is prepared to handle going back to his world?
I have so many questions that I am dying to ask but I am a little apprehensive.
Thanks again, I feel more level headed after reading your messages.
I appreciate all of your advice. I will be seeking help for myself... To make sure his disease doesn't get the best of me and cause me to say or do something I might regret... If I leave I need to be sure.. And if I stay I need to be sure...
Starting with simple things I have some questions.
* what kind of activities worked for you guys? I am into exersise and outdoor activities.. He is not, but I think that has a lot to do with feeling ****** from abusing alcohol
* I we are both big sports fans... But I think that is a huge trigger for him...
* his friends and family go hard with the alcohol... His father is definitely an alcoholic... Is it too much to ask about this stuff, what he expects? How he is prepared to handle going back to his world?
I have so many questions that I am dying to ask but I am a little apprehensive.
Thanks again, I feel more level headed after reading your messages.
Also gently, I think you asked some good questions.....but they are also all about him. To me the questions feel like you are trying to manage his triggers and what might impact his choice in drinking or not. He struggles with drinking, living life can be a trigger. For me I was spending so much time managing "his" triggers that I was not living my own life. This was really challenging for me to change my heart/mind about.
It takes time but the only way I changed and was able to heal was when I lived my life doing, behaving and interacting around and with the things I loved....regardless of if it was something that may or may not trigger my problem drinker.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep in mind too that him SAYING he is ready to "deal" is vastly different from him DOING anything about it. while you are already planning how his sobriety is going to go, what roadblocks and triggers he may have to overcome, how YOU can help him......what has HE done for himself? has he put in even HALF as much energy as you have so far?
this is the time where you really need to adopt a wait and see approach....observe his ACTIONS, to the extent you can long distance. this is really up to HIM.....nothing you do or don't do is going to change HIS outcome.
you didn't cause this.
you can't control this.
you can't cure this.
take care of YOU, ok?
this is the time where you really need to adopt a wait and see approach....observe his ACTIONS, to the extent you can long distance. this is really up to HIM.....nothing you do or don't do is going to change HIS outcome.
you didn't cause this.
you can't control this.
you can't cure this.
take care of YOU, ok?
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