yogaforever

I'm 99.9% sure my boyfriend is an alcoholic. Even though he rarely gets drunk, I've found many bottles of vodka and vodka infused vitamin waters hidden amongst his clothes. Sometimes he comes home from work slurring and smelling of booze. He claims cigarettes cause both those issues.

The thing is though that he's never full blown drunk. He holds a job. There's currently a 6 pack in the fridge that's been untouched for days.

It makes me crazy. I feel like I'm imagining things.

I can't live like this anymore. He makes me so angry with his denial and lies. He makes me feel like its all my fault.

I've lost myself. And lost control on him. Screamed at him, degraded him, punched and hit him.

I want to leave. We have an 11 month old. But I want to leave. I can live with my parents until I get on my feet.

I'm just scared. He threatens to take my daughter away. And I was so abusive to him.

How do I gather the courage to leave him? I feel so weak, lost and alone.

sauerkraut

Yogaforever,
Lots of people on this board have more experience than I do, but what I can say is take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Figure out your move, plan it with your parents, envision it, and then live it. For me it took finding a place where I wanted and could afford to live, and then I just kept thinking about it and visiting it until I was ready to make it real.

Sounds like your boyfriend is 'quacking,' which is a term I learned here that effectively describes an alcoholic's attempts to scare us into inertia.

Ally89

I am sorry you are going through this. I just want to validate your experience and reassure you that you are not going crazy but he is certainly trying to make you feel that way.

My XABF was exactly the same, vodka hidden all over the place in some of the most crazy places but he seemed completely normal to me. The lies are so convincing and you question your own sanity. Please don't. You are right.

They can be very convincing to everyone else which also seeks to alienate you from others. I wish you the best in doing what feels right for you and your child.

FeelingGreat

Hiding alcohol, especially spirits is alcoholic behaviour, so you're not imagining things. The fact that he's not falling over drunk is probably because his tolerance is high. We develop that through constant intake.

Your home situation is not healthy. You are engaging in domestic violence and verbal abuse, and that is not a situation that can continue. You don't say what his attitude is during this. Does he stay calm? He denies drinking?

If you feel you have to leave, then he can't just take your daughter from you, especially at such a young age, but it would pay to get legal advice. Start documenting anything you can like credit card records, receipts, half bottles of vodka, whatever you can think of to support your version, seeing he's in denial.

It might pay to apologise to him for the abuse, and explain why you've become so frustrated. You don't have to prove he's drinking because you know, but if you decide to leave you can tell him why.

LexieCat

All alcoholics lie about their drinking. I never met one who didn't (and I've known a ton of alcoholics--recovered and not--having been in two marriages to alcoholics and now 7 years sober, myself).

Hitting is NEVER OK. Whatever frustrations you have, you must find a different way to express them. It is a horrible model for your child at any age.

Given how volatile your household has become, I'd suggest going to live with your parents at least for a while. They can care for your child while you get going with Al-Anon--it will help you to clear your mind so you can make good choices for your future. You KNOW what's going on. The untouched 6-pack in the fridge is a decoy. Trust your own knowledge and act to take care of yourself and your child.

yogaforever

Thank you all so much.

When confronted, he denies and deflects. He turns it around and starts talking about my issues ( my temper and hitting him ). He's amazing at turning it around. Earlier tonight he came home from work tonight smelling and slurring slightly. He still lies. And I feel like he's right and I'm imagining things. But I know he's been drinking. I just can't deal with it.

I am so ashamed and mortified at myself for the abuse towards him. I have never done these things before and I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I want to stop and get help and learn to be a better person.

I've decided to leave today. Leaving is the best right now because he doesn't think he has a problem and we've been through this same song and dance for 2 years. I don't feel like I could ever come back until he gets help. And I understand that only he can make that choice.

FeelingGreat

I'm glad that posting here has cleared your thoughts. I left a BF once because I didn't like the way I'd become in the relationship, even though I wasn't abusive. Some people bring out the worst in us, and it's best to avoid them.

Lilro

Hi Y
If you have gotten to the point where you have become physically abusive, it is indeed time to leave. Although your frustration is understood, that is NEVER a good thing.
As a smoker I will tell you that I have never slurred my words, that excuse is just ridiculous.
Please do what is best for you and your child from here on out. Oh and By the way, I heard that whole " you'll never take my child away from me" mumbo jumbo also when I threatened divorce from my ex. I think it's pretty standard....
Good luck to you... Keep posting...
Ro

yogaforever

Well, I arrived at my parents late yesterday afternoon. I feel a combination of relief and heartbreak.

He tried to contact me with his usual spiel of 'I'll get help, I understand why you left, I hope you can come back.' Too bad I have heard that before. I told him I am not interested in coming back and that right now I need space and not to contact me.

He then sent an email to my dad, 'telling his side', which included insisting he hadn't been drinking but would go get help. Man, if I had a dollar for everytime he said that...

I'm just not sure how to go about coparenting with him. I don't want to keep her away from him but on the other hand, I don't trust him.

I am looking into alanon in my parents town. I'm also going to seek some therapy for myself. I clearly have really bad and toxic coping mechanisms and need to learn to deal with anger and frustration in a better way.

My mom has been invaluable. Her exhusband was a drunk and she left him when he started to get worse. She said it was hard but necessary for her to leave since he had become abusive. She said that I will heal and live a normal again. She said alanon was a godsend.

As good as it is being here with them, I still cried myself to sleep. It hurts. I know it'll pass, but man does this suck.

Thanks everyone. Typing this out keeps me going!

honeypig

I'm glad you have a mom who's walked this path herself and glad she is there for you. Please lean on her, Alanon and us here at SR whenever you need to. You will be OK. You've got a lot going for you.

yogaforever

One more thing!

I know that I won't go back to him at all. I really don't know that I want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, especially one who doesn't think he has a problem. And even if he somehow saw the light and made a serious effort to recover, I still don't think I could be with him because I don't truly think I can deal with the whatifs or if he relapsed. Maybe that makes me a bad person but it is how I feel.

That being said, if he's not in my life (other than coparenting) is alanon still a good route? I'm thinking yes but if I should be doing something else, I want to know.

honeypig

Yes, Alanon is still a good route. The information there will help you in dealing with all aspects of life, not just w/your A. It will also help you address what may have led you to get involved with an A in the first place and why you stayed w/him as long as you did, so you can make better choices for you and your child in the future.

A lot of us here have a history of getting into the same problems over and over, whether in different relationships or cycles within the same relationship, and the only way to get off that merry-go-round is to learn why it happens in the first place, why we make those choices and accept the unacceptable for so long.

I post a daily reading here from a book by Melody Beattie called "The Language of Letting Go" that you might find helpful, as well as her book "Codependent No More." Brene Brown is another person whose books and audio I can recommend to you as a resource.

yogaforever

Thanks honeypig! What you said makes a lot of sense. And I definitely don't want to continue on this cycle.

I'll look into those books too.

ladyscribbler

I didn't start Alanon until after I left my ex. It has helped me tremendously. My issues didn't just stop once I was no longer living with an alcoholic. There was a reason I chose that relationship, stayed in it once I realized he had a drinking problem and chose to bring a child into such an unhealthy home environment.
Coparenting with an active alcoholic is no picnic. I am really grateful for the new coping skills I'm learning in Alanon. It has helped me navigate a number of tricky situations, many of which have nothing to do with alcoholism or alcoholics.
One thing I regret is not making formal custody arrangements right after I left. I kind of just let things drift along, assuming my ex wouldn't be bothered to make trouble for me. He really wasn't very functional. Things were fine for about a year. We had a kind of informal arrangement with his parents supervising the visits. Then they had to put him out of their house for getting blackout drunk during a visit. Right around that time he found a new enabler and decided that all of a sudden he was entitled to shared custody (even though we live 750 miles apart). It took me just about a year to finally get it straightened out. We had our final court hearing Nov. 5th. He ended up with a choice of completing alcohol treatment before he gets any visitation or using a sobriety monitoring device during visits.
It doesn't sound like your ex is capable of safely caring for an 11 month old baby on his own, but he might very well imagine that he's entitled to.

Lilro

Good for you Yoga, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and God Bless your mother for being a rock for you during this transition.
My one word of advise would be to see an attorney as soon as you can to hash out what needs to be done as far as custody is concerned. When I was going through my separation with my ex it was made clear to me that without some sort of formal arrangement he had EVERY right to my child as I had.
Be proud of yourself for doing what is best for you and your child right now!! I know we all here at SR are...
Keep us posted and BIG HUG to you!

firebolt

Just wanted to send you some support - what you did took courage!

It doesn't make you a bad person AT ALL that you might not want to be with an addict - even if he actually were to seek recovery. This is your life - and it is short! You are allowed to make it the best possible for you and your kiddo!

When I started thinking I needed recovery, my own actions, how angry and miserable I had become, and how crappy I felt all the time became a bigger motivator for me to change than not wanting to live with an alcoholic. Your mama, Alanon and therapy will help you SO MUCH!!

LexieCat

Proud of you! I think what you've done and are planning to do--Al-Anon, therapy, etc.,--will make your future, and your daughter's future, much brighter and more promising.

Don't let days when things feel sad or overwhelming throw you too much. There are times you will feel that way, but if you patiently work them through you will come out of this much stronger and more stable--able to handle whatever life throws at you.

FeelingGreat

Hi yoga, if you are a yoga enthusiast then you've already got a great tool for calmness. How wonderful to have supportive parents, especially your mother who knows from experience what you're going through. Al-anon sounds like a brilliant idea.

Your AH is still in denial, which isn't a good sign. Yes he'll get treatment but no he hasn't been drinking! He's tying himself into knots. How much simpler would it be if he admitted he had a problem? We're all human, we make mistakes, but denial stops us from fixing them.

I'm glad you made a sad but necessary decision. Sleep well.

Cyranoak

Very respectfully, now that it's been a few days go back and read your original post. I hope it will be clear to you that he is an alcoholic-- nobody else does those things. Nobody. Only alcoholics.

The question now? What are you going to do to save yourself. Not him-- yourself. Please consider Alanon if you've not already.