Moving Out of the Briar Patch
 

OK, a quick recap: XAH was apparently hit by a car as he was at the mailbox early this month. I took him to the ER and he was hospitalized for 2-1/2 days w/5 broken ribs and a splintered elbow that required surgical repair. He has since told me that he has bouts of vertigo now also. BAC in the ER was 0.12, four hours after he stopped drinking, meaning it was about 0.2 when he was hit.

I had no illusions that he had quit drinking when I converted our separation into a divorce in late June, and I had allowed him to move into the upper unit of my house at his request, figuring it was at least some help w/the bills and w/the care of my dogs. Anyone who's read my story over the years knows how incredibly good a hider XAH is--I mean, he chaired his home AA group for a year, drinking all the while! So it was an eye-opener to see for sure, for the only time ever, really, just how much he was drinking and how impaired he really was on a regular basis.

On the way home from the hospital, I informed him that I wanted him to move out by the end of the month. Among other quacking, he asked me if it was "God's will or Honeypig's will" that he move out...seriously? I was bucking GOD'S WILL by telling him to leave?

I was fortunate in that he found a place promptly, and the landlord didn't mind if he started moving in early as it was standing empty. He kind of dawdled around w/moving, then finally got some guys to help him this past Friday. It was really difficult for me and I cried a few more buckets but stayed completely out of things. I worked a late shift that night and when I came home, there was an email from an Alanon person looking for someone to go to a meeting with the next day and take a walk afterwards. I replied and said I'd go.

Saturday I got up, puttered around, went to the meeting, took a big walk, came home and walked the dogs (more exercise than I've gotten in a while!) and puttered some more. I went out to fill the bird feeders just at dusk, and I heard two owls calling back and forth. The trees were silhouetted against the darkening but still luminous blue sky. It was very peaceful and beautiful. I came inside and sat down to work on my current crochet project. My "fake log" heater was on, throwing a flickery light, and my dogs were curled up sleeping on the rug near it. I had a feeling of such deep, deep peace and contentment--I can't remember the last time I felt anything like that. It was really indescribable, like being rocked in the arms of the Universe...

I truly can't believe the change in how the house feels. Honestly, it's like some vortex of negative energy has been removed. And the weird thing is, XAH and I haven't really fought in quite a while. We actually didn't even see each other much since early July when I changed jobs--my shift usually is such that our paths scarcely crossed. And yet his absence from the house makes that much difference in the vibe.

It made me think of something from Brene Brown: She told a story of how she was in therapy herself and in talking to her therapist, she said she was feeling like a turtle out of its shell, living in a briar patch, all naked and defenseless. It was uncomfortable and scary, and she wanted her shell back! The wise therapist thought for a moment, then said rather than put your shell back on, why don't you move out of the briar patch?

I think I'm finally moving out of the briar patch. It's a little scary to take my shell off, but I've done so a couple of times w/various people in my life over the Thanksgiving holiday, and the rewards have been great. Think I'll keep it off and just remember to stay out of the briar patch from here on in...

I cannot thank all of you here at SR enough for sharing your experience, strength and hope over the years. I could not have gotten to where I am now w/o all of you (and many who no longer come here). Know that your own pain was not in vain, and the wisdom that grew from it has changed lives.

Great to hear!!

Don't let moments of fear or feelings of missing him throw you. Those are NORMAL, not signs that you should second-guess yourself. I think you are gonna LOVE the peace that has descended. :)

You know, Lexie, when I was standing by the bird feeders and thinking how beautiful the evening was, I did have the thought "gosh, I wish XAH was here so I could share this w/him." Right on its heels was the thought "but how long, really, has it been since you could share stuff like this w/him?" I am beginning to see how much of who I thought he was is my memories and wishes mixed w/a little stardust...

Love you, HP. I'm so glad you have found some peace in all of this. Sending you great big giant ((HUGS)).

:JG:puppy::puppy::puppy:Honeypig.....Congratulatio ns on the birth! The new life of Honeypig as a complete individual.....separate and distinct!

dandylion

Seriously, dandy, you are ^^ right on the nose!!!

So beautifully and poignantly written, honeypig.

I'm so happy you found that peace that transcends understanding.

Isn't she always? :)

Congrats on your healing HP--I'm so glad to have shared
much of this journey with you.


Thank you for the many insights and wisdom--I only wish I could
get there for coffee now that I'm putting my own s&*# in order again ;)

I am so happy to hear about the peace you have achieved! Many hugs HP!

Hawkeye, you can come for coffee anytime! So can everybody else. Open house, and don't mind the dust bunnies!

Wow...thank you for posting. It gives us some hope out here...and the courage to hopefully make a change in our lives. I think that is why some of us hesitate to make a change...or end a relationship...fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone...I am being honest...that is how I feel. Thank you again...it does sound peaceful.

Amazing - what a gift. I can't wait to see what you do with your new life!

Amazing....so incredibly happy for you, Honey ! I really dig what your therapist told you-I may copy that and paste it to my fridge!! :)

Much love to you-what an awesome post!

Thanks for sharing! I also feel such encouragement from reading your post. Hoping someday to get that peace. Enjoy being out of the briar patch!

I also meant to comment on this vivid turn of phrase. Exactly like a black hole, sucking all light and joy from anything in its field of gravity. I remember that feeling of relief when I reclaimed my space.

Serenity.

HoneyPig, this was just such a beautiful post. I'm so happy for you.

Wonderful news and congrats!

SadInTX, I understand this. TOTALLY. It is a large part of why it took me so long to get to where I am now. There was lots and lots of fear, and honestly, there still is some, to some extent.

I came here and posted for the first time nearly 3 years ago. It took me about a year and a half to file for divorce after that, w/me going to Alanon and coming here, and him changing nothing. The divorce was changed to a legal separation b/c I had a job w/no benefits and a separation allowed me to stay on his insurance. The separation went thru last March. In late June, I got a job w/benefits and literally a few days later we had an incident that made me change the separation to a divorce. He then moved to the upper unit of my house since it was helpful financially for both of us, plus he would let my dogs out while I was at work. What happened next is covered above.

It was one slow step at a time, and it was hard. I cried and worried and lost sleep during all of it. But once each step was taken, I knew I didn't want to go back. And yes, it has taken this long, and I'm sure I'll still be afraid and sad at times, but I'm not wanting to go back. I've realized there is really no "back" to go to, even if I wanted it.

Others have said it here, and I'll second it--things work out. You find ways to get what you need, ways to work things out. And sometimes things you thought were problems really aren't, even. There are rewards you never imagined.

Keep moving forward, but remember, it's OK to take your time and make sure the ground under your feet is solid, or at least solid enough.

Hp, I am so happy you found peace.

I am a year out of being on my own, after 34 years with axh. I still think back and can feel that amazing serenity that you are feeling now. I feel it every day in my little home, with my ordinary "BORING" life. I wouldn't change a thing. Everything in life happens in the right order. I am so happy for you.

I have been kind of depressed the last few days. I had been away a week and have not had my fix of sr. These type of posts are what keeps me on the right path, especially when I am feeling low. Hugs my friend, enjoy every sunset in peace!!