Hopelessly Lost...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 4
Hopelessly Lost...
I thought my AH had hit rock bottom, but somehow he managed to dig a little deeper 
I'm so lost and confused! I don't know what to do.
I've been married to my AH for 3 years. I realized that he was an alcoholic 2 years ago when we decided to turn our traditional office into a virtual practice and he started drinking progressively more and more. He started his "weekend drinking" on Fridays, then the "weekend" extended to Mondays, then his "glass of wine with dinner" became a bottle of wine with dinner...plus a glass for lunch.... He now drinks 6-7 days a week and he often drinks vodka, which turns him into the devil incarnate!
When my AH is sober, he is freaking fantastic! He is super smart, productive (I tell him that when he works he gets 3 days worth of work in just half a day. It's truly remarkable), he's loving, sweet, funny...all the things that made me fall in love with him. However, when he drinks, he becomes vile, emotionally aggressive, very unpleasant, and then passes out.
We've had many problems because of his drinking. I used to wait until he was sober to talk to him about how his drinking was affecting him, us, and our work. He would often apologize and would promise to seek help, but of course he never has. He only stops drinking for a few days (a few wonderful days) and then he drinks again.
What drives me really crazy is that he now tries to hide his drinking. He goes on errands that take him hours and then comes home smelling like alcohol. I tell him that there is no way that he can hide his drinking from me because 1) I can smell alcohol a mile away, 2) I can tell by the change in his personality, and 3) I'm not stupid. It drives me absolutely crazy that he lies and tries to hide this from me! But what really concerns me is that he drinks in the car, which means he drives drunk! I don't understand how can he drive drunk to try to hide his drinking from me! How can he be so irresponsible and put himself and others in danger?
Equally wrong is that my AH doesn't seem to understand that his drinking is killing him even though he has landed in the hospital twice because of it. The first time was a few months ago when he asked me to take him to the hospital because he was feeling dizzy. My initial reaction was to think, "of course you're feeling dizzy, you've been binge drinking for a week!" Then I felt guilty and took him to the ER where the doctor admitted him immediately because his blood pressure was so high that he was in serious danger of having a heart attack. He ended up staying in the hospital for a week trying to get his blood pressure back to normal. When he was discharged he said that this was a wake-up call and that he was going to take care of his drinking. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that! I was even happier when he in fact stopped drinking for 15 days! Sadly, he went back to alcohol with a vengeance.
The second time was just a few weeks ago. He drank a full litter of vodka (plus whatever he drank behind my back) and passed out. He was so drunk that he fell from a chair and hit the floor face first. A pool of blood filling next to his face. This was the single scariest moment of my life! I thought he was dead! I immediately called 911 and he was taken to the ER. He had been drinking so much that his BAL was over 0.6! The doctor even said to me that he had no idea how my AH was still alive!
Once again, my AH said that he had finally got it, that he had hit rock bottom, and that he needed professional help. He stopped drinking...for one week and then he started again!
What a horrible cycle! Only this time his aggressiveness turned physical. It happened just this week when I saw him sitting in his car drinking a full bottle of scotch and I lost it! I know that I shouldn't have but it was just too much and I exploded! I begged him to let me drive the car home but he refused. I tried taking the car keys from him but he pushed me away. I decided to leave him there. I had just picked up one of my dogs from the vet after surgery and I had enough stressors in my life to now add this one. I went home to care for my dog and try to calm down.
When my AH came home he could barely stand straight, he was slurring, talking gibberish, and he began to insult me. I tried my best to remain calm and asked him to please leave me alone and let me take care of my dog. I told him that he should take a nap and we could talk later. After all, I was about to give the dog his medication, wait for it to kick in, and then take the other 2 dogs for a walk.
As I was getting my 2 other dogs ready for their walk, he grabbed one of the leashes and said that he would take the dogs with me. I told him no and asked him to give me back the leash, but he refused. I asked again, and he said no. When I asked again he hit me! I couldn't believe it, I've never been hit before and I had no idea what in the world had just happened. It still baffles me that he stoop so low. Worse, he hasn't even apologized or acknowledged what he did!
Words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now. I am so lost and hopeless. I really don't know what to do. Leaving is an option, but thinking about the logistics makes me very anxious and nervous. Not only we live together, but we work together, so leaving means that I have to start over from scratch. My family lives in a different country, so I cannot simply stay with my parents for a few days while I get back on my feet or figure out what to do.
I know this sounds like excuses and that if I really wanted to leave I would find a way, but that is easier said that done. My mind is going a thousand miles and hour and I feel very overwhelmed. I've been playing scenarios in my head, thinking what went wrong, what to do in the future, and it is just too much. I feel so confused, scared, sad, and lonely and I wish I knew what path to take.
I'm sorry for the rant and thank you all for listening to me.
I'm so lost and confused! I don't know what to do. I've been married to my AH for 3 years. I realized that he was an alcoholic 2 years ago when we decided to turn our traditional office into a virtual practice and he started drinking progressively more and more. He started his "weekend drinking" on Fridays, then the "weekend" extended to Mondays, then his "glass of wine with dinner" became a bottle of wine with dinner...plus a glass for lunch.... He now drinks 6-7 days a week and he often drinks vodka, which turns him into the devil incarnate!
When my AH is sober, he is freaking fantastic! He is super smart, productive (I tell him that when he works he gets 3 days worth of work in just half a day. It's truly remarkable), he's loving, sweet, funny...all the things that made me fall in love with him. However, when he drinks, he becomes vile, emotionally aggressive, very unpleasant, and then passes out.
We've had many problems because of his drinking. I used to wait until he was sober to talk to him about how his drinking was affecting him, us, and our work. He would often apologize and would promise to seek help, but of course he never has. He only stops drinking for a few days (a few wonderful days) and then he drinks again.
What drives me really crazy is that he now tries to hide his drinking. He goes on errands that take him hours and then comes home smelling like alcohol. I tell him that there is no way that he can hide his drinking from me because 1) I can smell alcohol a mile away, 2) I can tell by the change in his personality, and 3) I'm not stupid. It drives me absolutely crazy that he lies and tries to hide this from me! But what really concerns me is that he drinks in the car, which means he drives drunk! I don't understand how can he drive drunk to try to hide his drinking from me! How can he be so irresponsible and put himself and others in danger?
Equally wrong is that my AH doesn't seem to understand that his drinking is killing him even though he has landed in the hospital twice because of it. The first time was a few months ago when he asked me to take him to the hospital because he was feeling dizzy. My initial reaction was to think, "of course you're feeling dizzy, you've been binge drinking for a week!" Then I felt guilty and took him to the ER where the doctor admitted him immediately because his blood pressure was so high that he was in serious danger of having a heart attack. He ended up staying in the hospital for a week trying to get his blood pressure back to normal. When he was discharged he said that this was a wake-up call and that he was going to take care of his drinking. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that! I was even happier when he in fact stopped drinking for 15 days! Sadly, he went back to alcohol with a vengeance.
The second time was just a few weeks ago. He drank a full litter of vodka (plus whatever he drank behind my back) and passed out. He was so drunk that he fell from a chair and hit the floor face first. A pool of blood filling next to his face. This was the single scariest moment of my life! I thought he was dead! I immediately called 911 and he was taken to the ER. He had been drinking so much that his BAL was over 0.6! The doctor even said to me that he had no idea how my AH was still alive!
Once again, my AH said that he had finally got it, that he had hit rock bottom, and that he needed professional help. He stopped drinking...for one week and then he started again!
What a horrible cycle! Only this time his aggressiveness turned physical. It happened just this week when I saw him sitting in his car drinking a full bottle of scotch and I lost it! I know that I shouldn't have but it was just too much and I exploded! I begged him to let me drive the car home but he refused. I tried taking the car keys from him but he pushed me away. I decided to leave him there. I had just picked up one of my dogs from the vet after surgery and I had enough stressors in my life to now add this one. I went home to care for my dog and try to calm down.
When my AH came home he could barely stand straight, he was slurring, talking gibberish, and he began to insult me. I tried my best to remain calm and asked him to please leave me alone and let me take care of my dog. I told him that he should take a nap and we could talk later. After all, I was about to give the dog his medication, wait for it to kick in, and then take the other 2 dogs for a walk.
As I was getting my 2 other dogs ready for their walk, he grabbed one of the leashes and said that he would take the dogs with me. I told him no and asked him to give me back the leash, but he refused. I asked again, and he said no. When I asked again he hit me! I couldn't believe it, I've never been hit before and I had no idea what in the world had just happened. It still baffles me that he stoop so low. Worse, he hasn't even apologized or acknowledged what he did!
Words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now. I am so lost and hopeless. I really don't know what to do. Leaving is an option, but thinking about the logistics makes me very anxious and nervous. Not only we live together, but we work together, so leaving means that I have to start over from scratch. My family lives in a different country, so I cannot simply stay with my parents for a few days while I get back on my feet or figure out what to do.
I know this sounds like excuses and that if I really wanted to leave I would find a way, but that is easier said that done. My mind is going a thousand miles and hour and I feel very overwhelmed. I've been playing scenarios in my head, thinking what went wrong, what to do in the future, and it is just too much. I feel so confused, scared, sad, and lonely and I wish I knew what path to take.
I'm sorry for the rant and thank you all for listening to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
*hug*
I've been where you are. I understand the fear, the pain, the sadness and the anxiety. It sucks.
For me, in my life, the solution was to leave a 26year relationship... that also sucked. Everything about this friggin disease SUCKS!
I'm sorry you had to find us but I am glad you are here.
I've been where you are. I understand the fear, the pain, the sadness and the anxiety. It sucks.
For me, in my life, the solution was to leave a 26year relationship... that also sucked. Everything about this friggin disease SUCKS!
I'm sorry you had to find us but I am glad you are here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome--sorry to hear what's been going on.
The hitting is, of course, unacceptable. From what you've described it's hard to say whether he is a "batterer"--it sounds like he's someone who isn't abusive by nature but become a nasty drunk. It could be that he doesn't remember what he did. That isn't an excuse by any stretch but it would explain the failure to acknowledge it--especially if he isn't an abusive person by nature.
One option you might consider would be to get a protective order. That would require HIM to leave, and the court could order alcohol treatment and monitoring. It sounds as if things are escalating, and it may be dangerous for you to continue to live with him as long as he's drinking.
I understand you have a business together, but it seems likely that the business will either go on without him or go under if he doesn't decide to get sober.
It's time for you to focus on your own safety (physical and emotional). No guarantees that this will be his bottom--some people seemingly don't have one. But it seems pretty clear that unless you take action to protect yourself, he will continue to drag your life down.
Have you ever been to Al-Anon? It's a great way to get your head clear so you can make good choices for yourself.
The hitting is, of course, unacceptable. From what you've described it's hard to say whether he is a "batterer"--it sounds like he's someone who isn't abusive by nature but become a nasty drunk. It could be that he doesn't remember what he did. That isn't an excuse by any stretch but it would explain the failure to acknowledge it--especially if he isn't an abusive person by nature.
One option you might consider would be to get a protective order. That would require HIM to leave, and the court could order alcohol treatment and monitoring. It sounds as if things are escalating, and it may be dangerous for you to continue to live with him as long as he's drinking.
I understand you have a business together, but it seems likely that the business will either go on without him or go under if he doesn't decide to get sober.
It's time for you to focus on your own safety (physical and emotional). No guarantees that this will be his bottom--some people seemingly don't have one. But it seems pretty clear that unless you take action to protect yourself, he will continue to drag your life down.
Have you ever been to Al-Anon? It's a great way to get your head clear so you can make good choices for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for the encouraging words! I'm so glad that I found this site and I feel better in knowing that I'm not alone in this anymore. I will definitely consider all of the possibilities and hopefully one will work.
I want to thank you all again for the support and for welcoming me to the site.
I want to thank you all again for the support and for welcoming me to the site.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
VS, this is appalling. Unless he gets help he's either going to kill himself, or someone else, or make your life a misery. He's dangerous in many ways when he drinks, and he's made no serious effort at recovery, even after two visits to ER.
Please consider how you can detach from him, financially and physically, for your own safety and well being. Maybe get a job. Legal advice would be a good start. It might also be worth visiting the police and asking what action you can take if you know he's driving. The thought of him behind the wheel, so intoxicated he can hardly walk is very frightening.
Does he know he hit you? And do you have any physical marks you can photograph? If it happens again use the option of calling the police and get it on record. They'll take him away.
Have a think about what support you can access. There's Al-anon, or the domestic violence help line. You may have friends you can confide in also. Secrecy is only helping him, not you.
He's out of control so please take it seriously.
Please consider how you can detach from him, financially and physically, for your own safety and well being. Maybe get a job. Legal advice would be a good start. It might also be worth visiting the police and asking what action you can take if you know he's driving. The thought of him behind the wheel, so intoxicated he can hardly walk is very frightening.
Does he know he hit you? And do you have any physical marks you can photograph? If it happens again use the option of calling the police and get it on record. They'll take him away.
Have a think about what support you can access. There's Al-anon, or the domestic violence help line. You may have friends you can confide in also. Secrecy is only helping him, not you.
He's out of control so please take it seriously.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 4
Yes, FG, you're right, he is out of control, but this forum is helping me find my north and I truly appreciate everyone's help 
(BTW, first smile in a very long while).
I have an appointment with a family attorney on Thursday to explore my options. I will post an update later this week. I also found an Al-Anon meeting nearby and they meet on Wednesdays. I have to confess that it feels extremely weird to go to an Al-Anon meeting without my AH. It is also very overwhelming to talk to strangers about my life when I am the most private person in the world. If I don't have a panic attack before the meeting, I will post an update later this week.
I also spoke to the police but they said that the only thing that I can do is to report him when he is driving drunk. The key factor for the police to be able to arrest him is for my AH "to be in actual possession of the vehicle while under the influence." Well, that's going to be very difficult because I learn about it when he comes home, not when he is on the road. Running into him the other day was purely coincidental. If I see my AH in that situation again I hope to get the emotional strength to call the police on him. This feels like such a lose-lose situation. If he gets arrested, hell is going to break loose . If he doesn't he is putting himself and others in danger. Argh!
Ok, enough ranting for now. Thank you so much again to everyone for your support and your help! It finally feels like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
(BTW, first smile in a very long while). I have an appointment with a family attorney on Thursday to explore my options. I will post an update later this week. I also found an Al-Anon meeting nearby and they meet on Wednesdays. I have to confess that it feels extremely weird to go to an Al-Anon meeting without my AH. It is also very overwhelming to talk to strangers about my life when I am the most private person in the world. If I don't have a panic attack before the meeting, I will post an update later this week.
I also spoke to the police but they said that the only thing that I can do is to report him when he is driving drunk. The key factor for the police to be able to arrest him is for my AH "to be in actual possession of the vehicle while under the influence." Well, that's going to be very difficult because I learn about it when he comes home, not when he is on the road. Running into him the other day was purely coincidental. If I see my AH in that situation again I hope to get the emotional strength to call the police on him. This feels like such a lose-lose situation. If he gets arrested, hell is going to break loose . If he doesn't he is putting himself and others in danger. Argh!
Ok, enough ranting for now. Thank you so much again to everyone for your support and your help! It finally feels like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
I have gone through something similar in my...still living on the roller coaster now...when my AH stops drinking things are much better, but then he gets edgy and goes right back to it since he doesn't go back to AA.
My AH got a DWI this year, his first. I thought that would be his bottom..that he would finally wake up and say he has a problem and quit...go to AA...etc. Nope. He still doesn't really own up to his fault in it. If you are thinking that calling the police and having him arrested for DWI will be the solution, in my case it was not. It is now adding on more financial worries and issues. he just adds it to our "bills for the month"....I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone...
My AH got a DWI this year, his first. I thought that would be his bottom..that he would finally wake up and say he has a problem and quit...go to AA...etc. Nope. He still doesn't really own up to his fault in it. If you are thinking that calling the police and having him arrested for DWI will be the solution, in my case it was not. It is now adding on more financial worries and issues. he just adds it to our "bills for the month"....I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by VodkaSucks 
YI have to confess that it feels extremely weird to go to an Al-Anon meeting without my AH.
You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Lots of people just listen (with or without tears) the first few times. When you're ready, I think it will be a HUGE relief to talk with people who actually GET what you're dealing with.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome.
I am glad you have found this site and finding support both here, and face to face. Expect to be made to feel very welcome at Alanon.
The sad fact is that the theory of "finding the bottom" does not always exist for everyone. For some people it is a cycle that goes on...forever. You deserve more. Alcoholism escalates in how bad it is. Sometimes it's in cycles, but the good gets much shorter than the bad. He hit you, that is a major sign. Please protect yourself.
Many hugs. Please keep us updated so we know you are safe both physically and spiritually!
I am glad you have found this site and finding support both here, and face to face. Expect to be made to feel very welcome at Alanon.
The sad fact is that the theory of "finding the bottom" does not always exist for everyone. For some people it is a cycle that goes on...forever. You deserve more. Alcoholism escalates in how bad it is. Sometimes it's in cycles, but the good gets much shorter than the bad. He hit you, that is a major sign. Please protect yourself.
Many hugs. Please keep us updated so we know you are safe both physically and spiritually!
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