pndm07

Hello. I just joined this forum and am feeling helpless. My AH, who was sober for a few years, just relapsed badly. He is not with me now, bc I told him after his first bout that landed him in rehab, 4 years ago, that he can't be with me if he's drunk. He's been at his mother's house for the past few days, and I think she is under the influence of something too (she's also a recovering A) as she hasn't replied to texts. I am so scared and feel awful. I haven't heard from him since Wed. night and clearly he was drunk then.

He was active in AA, has a sponsor he really connected with, really seemed to be on some solid footing, and I'm afraid he will die. He was sober for the better part of 4 years. I am trying to detach so not even calling or texting, partly because I'm afraid too. But really afraid he will die. We have a 6 year old boy and I have to put him first. I am scared. I need to detach but afraid that I will find out somehow he's dead. or even worse, not find out anything. I'm at a loss and need to be here for my boy and it is so hard.

happybeingme

Hi. Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us. Right now your husband is in an active relapse. Hopefully he will come to his senses soon. Unfortunately there is no way to know. One thing I do know is worrying about the worse is just no good. It gets you all wound up and probably for no reason. For now just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, pndm07. I'm so sorry your husband has relapsed, and I understand your fear. Please post as much as you need to. There is also a chat room here if you want to try that option too.

Do you have Alanon friends/contacts that you can turn to for some face-to-face support, too? I know you're doing your best for your child, but you need to take care of yourself as well, or you won't able to help anyone.

I am so sorry you're going thru this; keep reaching out for support and know that eventually you'll be OK. We are here with you.

pndm07

Thank you all for your kind welcome. I am having trouble loading my java otherwise I would go on chat. I went to Alanon 4 years ago a few times when I went through this the first time. I didn't continue, mostly due to changes in my job and childcare situation, which made it very hard for me to attend f2f. Not to make excuses, this is just my situation. I am sick with worry over my AH. I am remembering "this too shall pass." That helps me, bc it won't stay like this forever.

dandylion

pndm......try not to future-trip...that is probably the worst thing you can do, right now. It will drive you crazy!
try hard to stay in the present .....and do the next right thing.....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

you were firm in your boundaries which is commendable....the alcoholic sure doesn't make that easy tho, do they????

he has a place to go, mom's......if he's really twirling it up, he is most likly avoiding reality, which includes you. i know you are worried and full of fear for his "safety" - but remember, he was sober, in AA, with a support system, so he does have the skills and tools he needs to pull out of this. i'm glad you found SR, we are here and we DO understand! post as much and as often as you need to.

pndm07

Thank you Anvilhead, I really appreciate these words of support! I will continue posting.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Sorry you are all going through this.

I agree with what Anvil said--there's reason to hope that this will be short-lived and that he will address what was missing in his recovery. Keep breathing, and do consider hitting some Al-Anon meetings--they were a lifesaver for me when I was at the end of my rope.

I have a feeling you will hear from him in the next week or so. I'm glad you and your son don't have to be around the chaos of active drinking right now.

Hugs, stick around and keep posting--it helps.

ladyscribbler

Hugs to you and your little guy. How is he doing with all of this?

Liveitwell

Just sending hugs your way...boy oh boy do I remember the first time I posted years ago-I was frightened but somehow writing it all out helped me immensely. Please keep posting....we all know what you're going through and will listen! I second Lady-how is your kiddo doing?
Please keep coming back and keep the focus on you and your son. I too was scared and still am when I think about my ex and his drinking, but, I take care of myself and our kids bc that is what I can do. I pray your ex reaches out for help, again. It is a lifetime battle and one I would not wish on anyone.

FeelingGreat

P, it's awful for you now after so many years of peace of mind. I'm not making any predictions but it's unlikely your AH will die from his relapse. Years and years of drinking will do it, but a relapse tends to be self-limiting i.e. they pass out before they die.

I know you're trying to detach, and you're doing well. If you really do want to make sure he's ok you could go around and at least eyeball him or talk to his mother, or possibly there's a relative who would do that for you? Just to ease your mind.

I agree with the others that finding some outlet like Al-anon or even talking to your doctor, a counsellor or a friend would take some of the pressure off you carrying this by yourself.

I hope your AH comes out of this OK, finds his AA buddies and becomes sober. He's been there before so there is always hope.

pndm07

I just want to say thank you all again for all of your really kind and helpful responses. My little guy is fine and I don't think he really understands any of this. He is mildly on the autism spectrum, so I can't really have a conversation about this with him at this point, he has mentioned his dad but I just tell him he's not feeling well right now.
I think AH's mom is on something now too. Last time this happened a few years ago she relapsed from the stress. And she hasn't responded to any texts in the past few days, which tells me that she is probably taking sleeping pills at the very least.
Today I am handing this to over HP and just trying to break my day out into manageable increments. If I hear nothing from either of them in the next few days, there are people I can contact (the super in their building, other friends). For today I will try not to "future trip" as dandelion says, and not to assume the worst, although it is hard, because my mind just goes there. I think I will just decide not to deal with this today and if I need to, I can always contact people tomorrow or Tuesday to check on them.
I am really grateful to all of you for your support in such a trying time.

dandylion

pndm......is there any way that you can get some more face to face time with other people......and, perhaps, join a support group....like alanon or other parents in your similar situation? That does help enormously with quieting some of your worries.....

dandylion

pndm07

I have an update. He called me just now. He was not sober. His mom's boyfriend, who is a jerk and lives with her, called the police on him twice and he ended up in ER two times. Our insurance isn't that good and apparently not much will be covered. I know he's alive at least, but he's sick as hell.
When this happened 4 years ago I vowed that if this happened again I'd divorce. We separated, so I am already not liable for him financially, but now I am scared to do it. I am scared because we have a child. I don't know how I will handle that. I am scared he will continue drinking. I have nobody to leave my child with so can't go to a meeting. My family is very unsupportive and has been very angry with me since I didn't divorce him the first time.
I'm so scared. I need to know everything will be ok with me and my child. I'm just feeling so low now.

honeypig

Many meetings have child care available, and the "suggested donation" in my area is $2 per child. If the meeting you want to attend doesn't have child care, you may be able to bring your child with you. Others do tend to understand--remember, these people have stood in your shoes and aren't going to judge you or make your life more difficult when you're in crisis mode. Don't let the need for child care stop you from making it to a meeting. That's one of the main places you can go to receive that reassurance that "everything will be OK w/you and your child", and a great place to be when you're "feeling so low."

Thank heavens you are separated and not responsible for him financially. This was one of my main concerns when I separated from and eventually divorced XAH, too. Early this month he was injured in an apparent hit-and-run down at our mailbox and required an ER trip, then spent 2-1/2 days in the hospital in addition to requiring a separate surgery for his arm injury. He's unable to work, living on disability for now, and will need rehab on the arm before returning to work too. Yes, he has insurance but this is still going to be a hefty bill, and I am beyond grateful that it's not my problem. Those 2 ER visits that your A has had are going to be pricey too, and you are lucky to not have to worry about that.

I'd like to reiterate AnvilHead's point about how he has the tools and connections to get off the crazy train and back into recovery. He knows what to do and where to go. Take the focus off him, as best you can, and continue to look out for you and kiddo.

dandylion

pndm.......I understand what your fears are...you need help and not to feel so alone with your dependent child.....very understandable.

There are many people who are willing to help....you just don't know about them. yet.....
There are many organizations that are devoted to those families with autism needs.....there are also forums, web sites, etc....devoted to this ......

I believe that it more important than ever for you to reach out for from others. You are not alone in this....there are many other parents in this situation who have needed help.....
You have to be proactive, though....Ask questions, follow up on every suggestion, look around for every organization that can offer support and help.... Most of all, don't stay in isolation and just expect help from him.....you can't continue to put your trust in him.....

How about starting a new thread, here.....ask for suggestions from other members who have dealt with special children of their own.....
I am sure you will get some really helpful feedback....

dandylion

LexieCat

Everything will be OK for you and your child. Tons of single moms manage every single day--and a lot of them are here on this forum.

You don't have to file for divorce immediately. I'm assuming you have a legal separation? Does it provide for custody/visitation and child support? If not, you need to get those things in place.

You also don't have to figure everything else out this minute. Check around and see if there are any Al-Anon meetings that provide childcare. Another possibility would be to bring him with you, if he is able to entertain himself with crayons, a book, or a game. You can call your local Al-Anon office to ask what meetings might be OK with that. If all else fails, there are online meetings, too.

Is his sponsor aware of the relapse? If not, you might want to let him know. He's not necessarily going to be able to pull him out of the relapse, but he might be able to connect with him and encourage him to get back on the beam.

schnappi99

There have been a few moms and parents through my alanon homegroup, they stay for a while till the crisis is passed, some come back occasionally others don't and thats all good- an understanding group at a critical moment is really important.

Our group is fine with kids, it doesn't happen frequently but its not a problem when it does. There are a few meetings around here where the kids have a playroom (or they rampage outside when the weather's good)- it might be possible to find something like that nearby.

pndm07

Hello. Thank you. I will look into groups that give child care. My only concern is that, because my child is on the spectrum, most providers won't be able to adequately look after him (eg., he requires a lot of one on one attention and runs off a lot). But I will look into it. Thank you.
We have a legal separation and he is responsible for his bills. So if the hospital were to come after me, I would not have to pay. He however is still on my insurance. So while his bills are his own, I am still concerned. By the way, his mother finally texted me, she is in detox. Like 4 years ago, she picked up during his drinking.
I believe his sponsor is aware, at least he told me that he spoke to him. His sponsor is a good man with 30+ years sobriety. I have met him before. He has a good relationship with him, they talk often and attend the same weekly meeting. I believe he can help him, but only if he decides to get sober himself. I am glad he has the tools he had last time, but sad that this has happened again. Meanwhile, if my family knew, they would be even more disgusted with me than they already are. I fought a whole second battle with them, after he got sober the first time; I am putting up a straight face with them for now.

honeypig

I'm sorry that you have to fight a second battle w/your family--is there any chance of them attending an Alanon or open AA meeting w/you? I can only assume they are completely uneducated about alcoholism or they wouldn't be "disgusted" w/you for continuing to work at things w/your A, especially since you say he's been in recovery for some time prior to this.

Either way, their feelings are theirs, and you do not need to take on any shame or responsibility for their feelings. That's THEIR problem.