How to Be Friends With an Alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
How to Be Friends With an Alcoholic?
I phrased that as a question because I don't know if it is even possible to be friends with this person. She is my neighbor and I enjoy being with her -- sometimes -- when she is not drinking. When she is drinking she is like a totally different person whose company I do not enjoy, her personality changes so much then. I used to know to just avoid her after about 8 pm but now sometimes she starts drinking earlier in the day, I think.
She is the only person in the building I live in who ever offers to give me rides to the grocery store and other local stores (I don't have a car). But every single time we go shopping she finds something to get into an argument about with the cashiers/managers/other salespeople. Even checking out groceries turns into a long, complex, stressful process for her and it wears me out. I'm starting to think I'd rather go without groceries, and excursions, than get the fallout from the stress.
I also get tired of her always attributing the worse possible motives to me for everything I do. The other day I pulled a ballpoint pen out of my purse to add something to my grocery list and she grabbed it and said "Is that MINE?!?" Why would I have her pen in my purse???? What's that about? I will never cat-sit for again, because she has told me that other people who have had keys to her house have "taken" things. I don't know whether they have or not, she is always losing stuff, but I'm not gonna put myself in a position of being suspected of theft.
But when she' "OK" she is good company. And I never know when she is going to be OK, or drinking, or just whatever else she may be suffering from. It's like hangoing around with some kind of bomb without a timer -- I never know when it's going to go off.
But I need rides to shop sometimes. And she is a good driver.
I have tried and tried to be as nice and as "good" as I can, to be a good friend, and not only is it having any good effect on her, I am getting accused of stealing her ballpoint pen? It's like there is no logic in her world.
What can/should I do? I was raised that if you try to be as nice as you can to other people, they will be nice to you. But I'm learning that that's not true. It's like the world has turned into some sort of other dimension that doesn't run to the laws of nature I was raised with. It's all topsy-turvy.
She is the only person in the building I live in who ever offers to give me rides to the grocery store and other local stores (I don't have a car). But every single time we go shopping she finds something to get into an argument about with the cashiers/managers/other salespeople. Even checking out groceries turns into a long, complex, stressful process for her and it wears me out. I'm starting to think I'd rather go without groceries, and excursions, than get the fallout from the stress.
I also get tired of her always attributing the worse possible motives to me for everything I do. The other day I pulled a ballpoint pen out of my purse to add something to my grocery list and she grabbed it and said "Is that MINE?!?" Why would I have her pen in my purse???? What's that about? I will never cat-sit for again, because she has told me that other people who have had keys to her house have "taken" things. I don't know whether they have or not, she is always losing stuff, but I'm not gonna put myself in a position of being suspected of theft.
But when she' "OK" she is good company. And I never know when she is going to be OK, or drinking, or just whatever else she may be suffering from. It's like hangoing around with some kind of bomb without a timer -- I never know when it's going to go off.
But I need rides to shop sometimes. And she is a good driver.
I have tried and tried to be as nice and as "good" as I can, to be a good friend, and not only is it having any good effect on her, I am getting accused of stealing her ballpoint pen? It's like there is no logic in her world.
What can/should I do? I was raised that if you try to be as nice as you can to other people, they will be nice to you. But I'm learning that that's not true. It's like the world has turned into some sort of other dimension that doesn't run to the laws of nature I was raised with. It's all topsy-turvy.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
When sometime is actively drinking you don't know what mood they'll be in. Also, if they're friendly sometimes and then other times are argumentative, they're argumentative most likely when they're drinking. Which means you'll probably driving with her when she's drunk. Doesn't sound safe to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
If you want to be her friend, you don't get to cherry pick the aspects of her that you want to be friends with. She is who she is, and either you have to accept that and just be her friend, or you decide that she isn't the kind of person you want to be friends with.
Do you have any public transit options for grocery shopping? Stores within walking distance? Calling a taxi?
Do you have any public transit options for grocery shopping? Stores within walking distance? Calling a taxi?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Just to add to what I posted before, I just took a look through your posting history and it looks like there are some patterns here. Before, you were in a long friendship with an addict and the friendship caused you to live your life on eggshells. Now you're asking about how to engage in another friendship with a different addict, where the relationship is again causing you to walk on eggshells.
The whirlwind craziness and uncertainty are hallmarks of relationships involving people who are addicted to substances. Can you be close friends with an addict who isn't active in recovery? Certainly, but you have to realize that you'll be admitting the crazy train back into your life on one or more levels. If what you want is a happy and healthy friendship, you need to start with happy and healthy people.
The whirlwind craziness and uncertainty are hallmarks of relationships involving people who are addicted to substances. Can you be close friends with an addict who isn't active in recovery? Certainly, but you have to realize that you'll be admitting the crazy train back into your life on one or more levels. If what you want is a happy and healthy friendship, you need to start with happy and healthy people.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
It is a sad situation, firesong, for sure. I get it that transportation is a problem/necessity for you.
What other options would you have.....if she didn't live there, for instance......
Unless she were to quit drinking, she is always going to operate this way.....I suppose you could always be friendly with her on the occasions that she might "pop up" and be sober and civil. I would tell her that I would only watch her cat in YOUR apartment.....if she asks again. Just tell her that you are uncomfortable going into other peoples homes when they are away......She probably won't even remember some of the off the wall things that she says.
I know what you mean about being taught certain basic rules when you were growing up. So was I!
However, what they didn't tell us was that addicted and abusive people don't have any respect for the "do unto others" law.
I found out the hard way, also. .......lol....
Please don't turn yourself inside out...trying to make this friendship "work"......don't allow yourself to feel guilty.....this is about her....
Just do the best you can...and let it go......
dandylion
What other options would you have.....if she didn't live there, for instance......
Unless she were to quit drinking, she is always going to operate this way.....I suppose you could always be friendly with her on the occasions that she might "pop up" and be sober and civil. I would tell her that I would only watch her cat in YOUR apartment.....if she asks again. Just tell her that you are uncomfortable going into other peoples homes when they are away......She probably won't even remember some of the off the wall things that she says.
I know what you mean about being taught certain basic rules when you were growing up. So was I!
However, what they didn't tell us was that addicted and abusive people don't have any respect for the "do unto others" law.
I found out the hard way, also. .......lol....
Please don't turn yourself inside out...trying to make this friendship "work"......don't allow yourself to feel guilty.....this is about her....
Just do the best you can...and let it go......
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
She sounds like the sort of person who will always find a reason to argue with her friends. It may be a sort of mental illness, with alcohol added.
If it were me I'd avoid, but only you can decide how much her friendship means to you.
If it were me I'd avoid, but only you can decide how much her friendship means to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
