Covert Narcissism
 

I just had one of the most frightening moments in my life. In reading a comment from fourourgirls (in her red flags vs issues) post I came across the term covert abuser. Something compelled to start reading on this and I somehow found my way to covert narcissism. I always knew about narcissism and sociopaths, etc. but never had I heard the term COVERT narcissism before so I began digging into this...I went further and further and I couldn't stop because everything that I was reading was describing my AH. It was scary and sickening. I'm so upset with myself right now, I don't know how I allowed myself to be with this person for so long and not realize what was happening. I just finished watching this video and it was soooooooo on the money:

Are You Being Fooled by a Covert Narcissist? -

Let me know your thoughts...

hm. I thought that was just the standard operating procedure for abusers.

It is absolutely accurate! Pretty scary, eh?! If the shoe fits....

Once you stick around here for a while you will realize it's a trait that is all too familiar in many of our qualifiers in our lives.

Dimndaruf, while this is a shocking and devastating realization, it is also the beginning of the path toward health. You might want to look back at my early threads from when I left my then abusive alcoholic narcissist husband in July 2012. Like you, I had fallen under his spell and submerged my own personality and life under his dominant and destructive control. Those threads have many many helpful responses about narcissism, Stockholm syndrome, gas-lighting, and emotional abusve that will resonate for you. If you click on my screen name, ShootingStar1, you will be able to choose the threads that I started, and the first year or two are very relevant to what you are dealing with.

Bimini and Hopeful4, while many alcoholics behave in narcissistic ways, when a person who is a true narcissist while sober becomes an alcoholic or addict, that adds a deep and destructive twist to their abuse.

Dimndaruf, you are, with this realization, beginning the journey toward health. If we don't know where the chains that hold us to a situation are, we can't loosen them and become free.

From my experience, finding a skilled therapist who understands emotional abuse, narcissism, and alcoholism was essential to working through the layers of emotional abuse to understand, finally, the choices I was unconsciously making that led me allow myself to live under this kind of control. For me, I chose my narcissistic emotionally abusive porn and alcohol addicted husband of 20 years in the pattern of my father and other relationships with men - such as bosses - that I had lived in before.

It has been a difficult, revealing, joyful, ah-ha filled, sometimes devastating journey for me, and it has been the most rewarding, freeing experience of my life. Alanon can help, too, as can SoberRecovery, but having a wise counsellor lead me through uncovering the layers of why I chose abusive men was life changing.

Blaming yourself is not going to help, and you don't need to do it. While this moment of realization is horrific, it is also the pivot point to changing your life for the better.

For me, now almost 3 and a half years from when I literally ran away with my little dog and a suitcase while my husband was working in his downstairs office, this has been an extraordinary path toward freedom. My life now is so much more joyful, happy, healthy and serene.

This is what awaits you. Feel free to private message me if you like.

ShootingStar1

Most abusers I know are covert. Narcissism is a whole other beast. I am 43, a recovering alcoholic, adult child of an alcoholic father, and my mother is a covert narcissist. By far she has been the most destructive force in my life.

There is little treatment and no cure for narcissism. The only hope you have is to keep your children and yourself away from him.

Having lived with a narcissistic parent I say get out now. I finally severed all ties with my mother a year ago and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Shooting Star-yep . My response would read much like yours. There are also some good threads re alcoholism vs narcissism-cabt recall when they are from but if you seach the forum you are bound to find them. Regardless of what causes the abuse, it's abuse and it's not okay.

Dimndaurf.......first, comes awareness.......then, comes acceptance.....then, comes action.......

dandylion

Dimndaurf......I recall you saying that "he is so very private".....
Being "private" is one way/excuse for keeping things covert.
Abuse and addictions, for that matter, thrive in secrecy.......that is why the first tool of the abuser is control and isolating the victim......

think about it.....

dandylion

Everything makes so much more sense to me now....thank you

Controlling and isolating the victim. That's exactly what happened to me. I'm not sure how covert my ex was with her narcissism, but she would appear to be really friendly and nice until someone didn't do what she wanted. I know she used to get into fights at work, and she would pull off the crying act to get her way. She seemed really nice on the outside, but she was a different person when she abused, isolated, and controlled me. I enabled her to drink and use, and it was easier for her to do that at my place than at her mom's. The narcissism was there to protect the addiction.

NoInsanity-thanks for your words-and sharing. I often wondered if my ex was just narcissistic bc of alcoholism or if they were two separate issues...doesn't really matter. My ex was the same way-some days telling others how much he loved me and then verbally abusibg me behind closed doors-but always keeping his mask on in front if others-and labeling me the crazy wife. NOW THAT is textbook abuse 101. I agree with other posters-the majority of abuse is covert-abd the abuser justifies it by tearing you down.