Leaving....
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Leaving....
This weekend was quite the time... AH had a HUGE blow up, anger explosion. Shouting, yelling, screaming vulgar words, blaming me for crazy things.... It was just time he needed an anger explosion and grabbed whatever he could for fuel.
My two children were there when this all happened, ages 2 and 6. We sat on the couch at one point all bawling and hugging each other because he was raging and raging and wouldn't stop.
How scary.
Long story short.... I decided enough is enough. We are leaving, I can't deal with this anymore, its NOT my fault, I deserve better, my babies deserve better. I'm done.
I looked at an apartment yesterday, knowing he will NEVER leave our family home, I'm going to have to. It felt okay, scary, it was small but cute... and its not a forever thing. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got.
I decided I was going to sit him down and explain that I wanted a separation to begin with... and see where that takes us. That I was going to be leaving with the kids, I had a whole plan wrote up for visitation, rules, money, etc. I feel like I was well prepared.
well good LORD. I dropped the bomb on him and then it was a huge sob story, feel sorry for me, I have no one, I won't do it again, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I will change, I'll do better, please don't leave, don't look at any more apartments.
Seriously... I am fuming mad.... I just need to vent I guess. But quite honestly, too little too late. It has taken me sooo long to get to this place of courage, and then he tries to shut me down. Which really, I shouldn't expect anything less.
Rant over.
My two children were there when this all happened, ages 2 and 6. We sat on the couch at one point all bawling and hugging each other because he was raging and raging and wouldn't stop.
How scary.
Long story short.... I decided enough is enough. We are leaving, I can't deal with this anymore, its NOT my fault, I deserve better, my babies deserve better. I'm done.
I looked at an apartment yesterday, knowing he will NEVER leave our family home, I'm going to have to. It felt okay, scary, it was small but cute... and its not a forever thing. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got.
I decided I was going to sit him down and explain that I wanted a separation to begin with... and see where that takes us. That I was going to be leaving with the kids, I had a whole plan wrote up for visitation, rules, money, etc. I feel like I was well prepared.
well good LORD. I dropped the bomb on him and then it was a huge sob story, feel sorry for me, I have no one, I won't do it again, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I will change, I'll do better, please don't leave, don't look at any more apartments.
Seriously... I am fuming mad.... I just need to vent I guess. But quite honestly, too little too late. It has taken me sooo long to get to this place of courage, and then he tries to shut me down. Which really, I shouldn't expect anything less.
Rant over.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
There comes a point that you have to say enough is enough. That form of abuse (and it is abuse) will take a long time for those kids to forget.
I applaud you for making the right choice and doing what is right for you and your children.
Many, many hugs.
I applaud you for making the right choice and doing what is right for you and your children.
Many, many hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Rant away. I think your instincts are right on. Your kids will never forget that scene, and there is no reason to risk putting them through it again.
Be as matter of fact as you can--don't apologize, not your job to reassure him (and you can't--you don't know yourself how this will ultimately pan out), but do your best to leave without anger or "parting shots"--even if he deserves them. You are doing what you must for you and your kids, that's all. What he does with that is up to him--what you do with it is up to you.
Be as matter of fact as you can--don't apologize, not your job to reassure him (and you can't--you don't know yourself how this will ultimately pan out), but do your best to leave without anger or "parting shots"--even if he deserves them. You are doing what you must for you and your kids, that's all. What he does with that is up to him--what you do with it is up to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Thanks for the encouragement. He is making this REALLY difficult, but I pretty much expected that. After nine years of the abuse cycle, I've had enough. And clearly, nothing will change until I make a change and that change is going to be a BIG one. We've done counseling with numerous counselors, I've done counseling for myself (she told me flat out--leave him!), he has done it himself, books, blogs, reading articles, taking him to church services. Hello--codependent much eh?!
But in my heart of hearts, I feel that this blow up was the last straw. My daughter, who is 6, witnessed it all... and then she saw the school counselor and recited a lot of it back to him about what happened. The counselor called me at work, and it was horrifying to hear him recite what she had told him. I'm so happy that she does speak up and she isn't scared.... but hearing the events come from someone else, being replayed to me.... I think that was the last straw. I thought to myself... what the hell am I still doing here?! How has this become my life?!
whew....
But in my heart of hearts, I feel that this blow up was the last straw. My daughter, who is 6, witnessed it all... and then she saw the school counselor and recited a lot of it back to him about what happened. The counselor called me at work, and it was horrifying to hear him recite what she had told him. I'm so happy that she does speak up and she isn't scared.... but hearing the events come from someone else, being replayed to me.... I think that was the last straw. I thought to myself... what the hell am I still doing here?! How has this become my life?!
whew....
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
It sounds like you are very strong...did you sign a lease for the apartment? Maybe putting some space between you and the AH will give him time to figure things out for what he wants...ugh...this disease is just horrible...I just wish we could read more stories of addict quits drinking...gets help...goes to AA...therapy...works on the marriage...and things are better...I guess I live in a fantasy world...
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
SadInTX... I'm not counting our marriage out yet. I am hoping that this might be the "rock bottom" he needs in order to get help. He has a good heart, but the man has some serious baggage. I do hope that he gets help.
I didn't sign a lease yet... I'm teetering. I know I need to do this.... but then my sympathy towards him makes me stop and question myself. Ugh, hate that feeling. I just need to do it. When nothing changes, nothing changes...right?
I didn't sign a lease yet... I'm teetering. I know I need to do this.... but then my sympathy towards him makes me stop and question myself. Ugh, hate that feeling. I just need to do it. When nothing changes, nothing changes...right?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by armartin 
SadInTX... I'm not counting our marriage out yet. I am hoping that this might be the "rock bottom" he needs in order to get help. He has a good heart, but the man has some serious baggage. I do hope that he gets help. I didn't sign a lease yet... I'm teetering. I know I need to do this.... but then my sympathy towards him makes me stop and question myself. Ugh, hate that feeling. I just need to do it. When nothing changes, nothing changes...right?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by armartin
My two children were there when this all happened, ages 2 and 6. We sat on the couch at one point all bawling and hugging each other because he was raging and raging and wouldn't stop.
Been there....
My kids are 2 and almost 4, and they have witnessed in their little lives way too much of that BS. I feel huge regret over it.... It's really hard for me to even think about it at this point... but it was definitely my main motivating factor for leaving AH.
Sending you strength and hugs... You know what you need to do
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Part of the abuse....and, it is abuse....is to make you doubt yourself, to loose your self-confidence.
You know it is a repeating cycle of abuse. You know your li ttle babies will experience this again. You know that he doesn't have the ability to make promises that he can't/won't keep.
The alcoholic lies to themselves as much as they lie to others.
If you stay...it just reinforces that he can do it again....when the alcohol tells his brain that it is o.k. The alcohol is in charge of this man.....he is not in charge, even.
You don't know where his bottom is.....and, neither does he. this can still go on for years.
Even if he would reach for sobriety...it will take him a long time to change....one to two years, at least......
You need some peace and space to work on yourself ......and, you kids need a peaceful and safe environment to thrive in.....
I hope that y ou will sign a lease....for your children. Imagine how it would feel, about 18yrs. from now ....to have them look at you and say "Momma, why did you make us stay?" That would break your heart!
There comes a time when you just have to do what you have to do in your own (and children's) best interest.
You CAN do it.....
dandylion
You know it is a repeating cycle of abuse. You know your li ttle babies will experience this again. You know that he doesn't have the ability to make promises that he can't/won't keep.
The alcoholic lies to themselves as much as they lie to others.
If you stay...it just reinforces that he can do it again....when the alcohol tells his brain that it is o.k. The alcohol is in charge of this man.....he is not in charge, even.
You don't know where his bottom is.....and, neither does he. this can still go on for years.
Even if he would reach for sobriety...it will take him a long time to change....one to two years, at least......
You need some peace and space to work on yourself ......and, you kids need a peaceful and safe environment to thrive in.....
I hope that y ou will sign a lease....for your children. Imagine how it would feel, about 18yrs. from now ....to have them look at you and say "Momma, why did you make us stay?" That would break your heart!
There comes a time when you just have to do what you have to do in your own (and children's) best interest.
You CAN do it.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I dropped the bomb on him and then it was a huge sob story, feel sorry for me, I have no one, I won't do it again, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I will change, I'll do better, please don't leave, don't look at any more apartments
i presume this was YESTERDAY. if today he has not been on the phone calling various treatment centers, making arrangements with his insurance, AND getting his ass to the nearest AA meeting, then that is really all you need to do about this hopefully being his bottom and him becoming willing to do whatever it takes, and if that sob story was anything more that a big ole pile of Poor Me, Poor Me, Pour Me another..........
i presume this was YESTERDAY. if today he has not been on the phone calling various treatment centers, making arrangements with his insurance, AND getting his ass to the nearest AA meeting, then that is really all you need to do about this hopefully being his bottom and him becoming willing to do whatever it takes, and if that sob story was anything more that a big ole pile of Poor Me, Poor Me, Pour Me another..........
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Do it. Sign the lease.
He's a grownup, he may go off the deep end for a while, but he's already doing that, isn't he? Maybe it will be his rock bottom or maybe it won't. If you stay, you are simply showing him that playing the sympathy card will work on you.
If he's motivated to change, he will change. If this isn't his rock bottom, do you really want to be around for what that might look like?
He's a grownup, he may go off the deep end for a while, but he's already doing that, isn't he? Maybe it will be his rock bottom or maybe it won't. If you stay, you are simply showing him that playing the sympathy card will work on you.
If he's motivated to change, he will change. If this isn't his rock bottom, do you really want to be around for what that might look like?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Well things have taken an interesting turn.... my daughter talked to the school counselor on Monday and gave him bits and pieces of what had happened over the weekend. He then called me and we spoke for over 30 minutes. At one point during the raging abuse, my AH went into the garage and got a gun... he told me he was going "target shooting" and we were "better off without him". I told him to stop being ridiculous and he did put the gun away. Our daughter saw that he had it.... then at another point during the weekend. AH commented that if my mother spanked the kids ever again, he was "going to kill her". And my daughter heard that as well. And she told the counselor.... and I knew he was going to contact Child Protective Services--especially because of the threat, the alcohol abuse, and the violence/anger. I just got a call from the investigator. She asked me what I was doing to keep my kids safe..... she suggested I kick him out, she told me that he is not allowed to pick up the children from daycare anymore. She also suggested that he only have supervised visits with the children and no overnight visits until he got some serious help.
I feel like this is my HP coming into play.... he leaves our house, we get to stay, my kids can stay in their home.... he has to undergo chemical dependency evaluations and mental health evaluations. He leaves, I stay... I have the things I need in order to get a TRO if I need one.
I feel like this is my HP coming into play.... he leaves our house, we get to stay, my kids can stay in their home.... he has to undergo chemical dependency evaluations and mental health evaluations. He leaves, I stay... I have the things I need in order to get a TRO if I need one.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I advise that you GET ONE. After the final hearing, he will be prohibited from possessing firearms.
I have worked in the DV field for many years, and the yelling and screaming was concerning enough, but hints at suicide, picking up a gun, making threats to kill people--this puts a WHOLE NEW spin on things. This is a dangerous situation, and you and the kids need to look out for your physical safety, as well as your emotional safety. I've seen way too many cases end in tragedy, and the kids are at serious risk, as well.
Please contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with an advocate. They can explain the process of getting an order and help you with safety planning. Nobody will force you to do anything, but I really strongly suggest that you consider getting an order. But safety planning is number one, and you need that whether you get an order or not.
I have worked in the DV field for many years, and the yelling and screaming was concerning enough, but hints at suicide, picking up a gun, making threats to kill people--this puts a WHOLE NEW spin on things. This is a dangerous situation, and you and the kids need to look out for your physical safety, as well as your emotional safety. I've seen way too many cases end in tragedy, and the kids are at serious risk, as well.
Please contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with an advocate. They can explain the process of getting an order and help you with safety planning. Nobody will force you to do anything, but I really strongly suggest that you consider getting an order. But safety planning is number one, and you need that whether you get an order or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
interesting from a psychological perspective what you left out in the first rendition (the gun, the threats of killing others, suicide).....which speaks volumes about how desensitized we become over time to absolutely inexcusable behavior.
i am relieved that the counselor acted quickly, as did CPS and that you were so very receptive to what some parents consider an intrusion. i pray all goes well for you and your little ones and that you remain safe. please take every precaution.
i am relieved that the counselor acted quickly, as did CPS and that you were so very receptive to what some parents consider an intrusion. i pray all goes well for you and your little ones and that you remain safe. please take every precaution.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah the gun incident is scary. We are such "hold it together at all costs" type of people that we normalize this sort of behavior.
His action, as well as your reaction ( I told him to stop being ridiculous and he did put the gun away") are eerily calm in a very scary and volatile situation. You know him better than anyone, and may have felt that this was an empty drunken threat, I could guess because something similar has happened before. It IS scary, it IS abusive, and you and the kids may need counseling to get over it and other incidents.
All of this - the drinking, the symptoms of drinking, codependency, and the symptoms of codependency are progressive.
Think of how most of us showed up here - frazzled, exhausted, desperate, and utterly crazy. We came here because our actions are out of control (and damnit it's their fault lol). We are stalking, searching for alcohol, mistresses, drugs, spying, kissing to smell their breath, generally just being nutters that need help. It took us a while to get to this point, and it could have gotten worse. We could have lost ourselves completely, or we could have ended up medicating right along with them.
Unfortunately their bottom is often the same, but drunk....and with some alcohol induced brain damage to boot. Rather than stalking and spying, they are often driving drunk, destroying their own homes, sleeping around, abusing their families, and even committing other crimes. They could really hurt someone, and not even remember it the next day.
After leaving, I am shocked at the level of abuse, dysfunction, and unacceptable behavior I dealt with. I always thought "he doesn't hit me or cheat - it's not that bad." Well, it was - way worse than I deserved - and this is way worse than you deserve. (((HUGS)))
His action, as well as your reaction ( I told him to stop being ridiculous and he did put the gun away") are eerily calm in a very scary and volatile situation. You know him better than anyone, and may have felt that this was an empty drunken threat, I could guess because something similar has happened before. It IS scary, it IS abusive, and you and the kids may need counseling to get over it and other incidents.
All of this - the drinking, the symptoms of drinking, codependency, and the symptoms of codependency are progressive.
Think of how most of us showed up here - frazzled, exhausted, desperate, and utterly crazy. We came here because our actions are out of control (and damnit it's their fault lol). We are stalking, searching for alcohol, mistresses, drugs, spying, kissing to smell their breath, generally just being nutters that need help. It took us a while to get to this point, and it could have gotten worse. We could have lost ourselves completely, or we could have ended up medicating right along with them.
Unfortunately their bottom is often the same, but drunk....and with some alcohol induced brain damage to boot. Rather than stalking and spying, they are often driving drunk, destroying their own homes, sleeping around, abusing their families, and even committing other crimes. They could really hurt someone, and not even remember it the next day.
After leaving, I am shocked at the level of abuse, dysfunction, and unacceptable behavior I dealt with. I always thought "he doesn't hit me or cheat - it's not that bad." Well, it was - way worse than I deserved - and this is way worse than you deserve. (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Montana
Posts: 140
Thanks for the support everyone. I am going to tell him that he cannot stay at our house tonight or any longer. I will not risk losing my children because he is around.
xoxo. i'll check back in later.
xoxo. i'll check back in later.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Keep a cell phone in your hand or in your pocket until he has safely left, and close by all night. Remember, until you have an order, he can legally come in at any time. If he gets drunk and scares you in any way tonight, call the police. Immediately. They can help you get an emergency order if necessary.
And I would consider going down to the courthouse yourself tomorrow if all stays quiet tonight. The folks at the courthouse can help you file for the temporary--you can have your legal friends help you prepare for the hearing for a final, but I would be worried about his getting drunk, coming in, and retrieving that gun.
ETA: If things are calm right now, you might be better off waiting till tomorrow--I'm concerned he will go out and get drunk tonight and try to come back in.
And I would consider going down to the courthouse yourself tomorrow if all stays quiet tonight. The folks at the courthouse can help you file for the temporary--you can have your legal friends help you prepare for the hearing for a final, but I would be worried about his getting drunk, coming in, and retrieving that gun.
ETA: If things are calm right now, you might be better off waiting till tomorrow--I'm concerned he will go out and get drunk tonight and try to come back in.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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My concern is that tomorrow CPS will be interviewing my daughter. The investigator told me that I needed to take my kids and stay at my parents tonight or somewhere safe away from him. So, if I let him stay or don't say anything... then I am worried that CPS would intervene. And I don't know if they will, I haven't been in this position before... but it scares the pants off of me.
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