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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Match.com profile
Someone posted the other day about seeing a profile for their ex online and how it was not accurate. I'm sure my ex has plenty out there but I do not care to search-what he does defines his character and has nothing to do with me. But on that note, I figured it would be nice to share what his real profile would be (if he actually was honest). Yes-this is snarky-but after processing so much really heavy stuff yesterday/today...this makes me feel better. I'm not sorry for that-this does make me feel better! (Does that make me a B? Dunno). Thought plenty of you could identify and maybe chuckle...This board can get heavy so laughs are good. Here goes:
Wanted! Drinking partner to just hang out with and have sex with-someone that completes me bc I am not a healthy person-I'm very sick with a lot of demons-but I ain't changing for anything....please don't bug me with your needs-as I cannot look after anyone else but myself - I'm not too good at that, actually...I kind of need soneone to make me better abd happy-you better not fail at that or I'll just turn on you. wabt to be able to do anything and everything I want when I wabt-and you better not get in my way-I like to come and go as I please with no regard to you-so please, if you have ANY expectations, look elsewhere. I wabt someone to love me like my mom loves me (wait, um, that's not weird, right?) I'm looking for someone who strictly listens to my words and does not judge me by my actions.
Favorite things-my mom and drinking (yes, I'm 35 years old) abd lying-I love to lie! I'll lie to you, too! I lie to everyone! But most of all, I lie to myself! When I'm happy, I get drunk. When I'm sad, I get drunk, when I'm anything, I get drunk. Making up stories about my ex wife. Did I mention I like to lie?
Past times: getting drunk, not paying my ex wife, stalking her, threatening her, yelling at and terrorizing my 6 year old during one minute phone calls (and then lying about it-did I tell you I love to lie?!) and truly just being an abusive jerk any time I see her-I really like to yank her, flick her and scare her and then make her feel bad about herself when she tells me to stop-I treated my ex the same way but that was her fault-she made me do it. I like to pretend I care, but shhhh-it's just an act. Did I mention I'm a lot of hot air-I talk a lot and will charm your pants off with promises but I have no actions to back it up. I love playing the victim.
Things that don't work for me: anyone having needs. I have no empathy so I will not care what you're complaining about. If you're struggling with something, please don't share with me bc I truly don't care-just get over it-bc truly, do you know what I deal with everyday? Your complaints are just stupid and I don't have time for them. Anyone with biundaries-those don't work for me at all. I do not follow rules-I'm above them. Don't ever complain about my drinking or try to hold be accountable for my behavior-that doesbt work for me, either. I will not apologize to you bc I truly feel I didnt do abythig wrong-if you try to hold be accountable, I will turn it on you and tear you down.
Relationship status: divorced bc my crazy ex wife claimed I was an abusjve alcoholic-pffffft. What does she know!
Kids-yep, two. I don't support them in any way-I make them a lot of promises but break them all. I'm not very nice to them-actually, I've scared them and abused them, but that's their fault-not mine. I'm a deadbeat dad.
Take a chance with me!!!!
Wanted! Drinking partner to just hang out with and have sex with-someone that completes me bc I am not a healthy person-I'm very sick with a lot of demons-but I ain't changing for anything....please don't bug me with your needs-as I cannot look after anyone else but myself - I'm not too good at that, actually...I kind of need soneone to make me better abd happy-you better not fail at that or I'll just turn on you. wabt to be able to do anything and everything I want when I wabt-and you better not get in my way-I like to come and go as I please with no regard to you-so please, if you have ANY expectations, look elsewhere. I wabt someone to love me like my mom loves me (wait, um, that's not weird, right?) I'm looking for someone who strictly listens to my words and does not judge me by my actions.
Favorite things-my mom and drinking (yes, I'm 35 years old) abd lying-I love to lie! I'll lie to you, too! I lie to everyone! But most of all, I lie to myself! When I'm happy, I get drunk. When I'm sad, I get drunk, when I'm anything, I get drunk. Making up stories about my ex wife. Did I mention I like to lie?
Past times: getting drunk, not paying my ex wife, stalking her, threatening her, yelling at and terrorizing my 6 year old during one minute phone calls (and then lying about it-did I tell you I love to lie?!) and truly just being an abusive jerk any time I see her-I really like to yank her, flick her and scare her and then make her feel bad about herself when she tells me to stop-I treated my ex the same way but that was her fault-she made me do it. I like to pretend I care, but shhhh-it's just an act. Did I mention I'm a lot of hot air-I talk a lot and will charm your pants off with promises but I have no actions to back it up. I love playing the victim.
Things that don't work for me: anyone having needs. I have no empathy so I will not care what you're complaining about. If you're struggling with something, please don't share with me bc I truly don't care-just get over it-bc truly, do you know what I deal with everyday? Your complaints are just stupid and I don't have time for them. Anyone with biundaries-those don't work for me at all. I do not follow rules-I'm above them. Don't ever complain about my drinking or try to hold be accountable for my behavior-that doesbt work for me, either. I will not apologize to you bc I truly feel I didnt do abythig wrong-if you try to hold be accountable, I will turn it on you and tear you down.
Relationship status: divorced bc my crazy ex wife claimed I was an abusjve alcoholic-pffffft. What does she know!
Kids-yep, two. I don't support them in any way-I make them a lot of promises but break them all. I'm not very nice to them-actually, I've scared them and abused them, but that's their fault-not mine. I'm a deadbeat dad.
Take a chance with me!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
Fantastic. Maybe a bit too truthful for a laugh. Reminds me of my tounge-in-cheek line that would have gone with my active addiction (and a fair amount of my sober time), and seems to apply to all active addicts...
"Hey baby...let's you and me get out of here, and I can be the reason you need therapy."
"Hey baby...let's you and me get out of here, and I can be the reason you need therapy."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Thanks. I needed this tonight.
"Favorite things- my mom and drinking." I will be laughing at that for days.
"Did I mention I like to lie?" Some things are funny and sad at the same time. This is one of them.
Lies have been very much on my mind recently. I heard so many in court the other week. What's really sad is when people are just stupid, bad, terrible, ridiculous liars.
Apparently I once hit my ex with a hammer so hard that he went into a coma. Not for any reason, mind you. I just did it. He was standing at the top of the steps minding his own business and I crept up behind him and hit him in the head with a hammer. He woke up at the bottom of the stairs the next day (from his coma) and drove himself to an appointment at the VA, apparently without noticing that his scalp was flapping around loose on his head. I guess he just got right up (from his coma) and drove over there. When his therapist saw the horrible injury he put my ex in a wheelchair and sent him to another hospital where he got 12 staples to close up the gaping scalp wound, you know, the one from my vicious hammer attack. The one that left him in a coma.
"Favorite things- my mom and drinking." I will be laughing at that for days.
"Did I mention I like to lie?" Some things are funny and sad at the same time. This is one of them.
Lies have been very much on my mind recently. I heard so many in court the other week. What's really sad is when people are just stupid, bad, terrible, ridiculous liars.
Apparently I once hit my ex with a hammer so hard that he went into a coma. Not for any reason, mind you. I just did it. He was standing at the top of the steps minding his own business and I crept up behind him and hit him in the head with a hammer. He woke up at the bottom of the stairs the next day (from his coma) and drove himself to an appointment at the VA, apparently without noticing that his scalp was flapping around loose on his head. I guess he just got right up (from his coma) and drove over there. When his therapist saw the horrible injury he put my ex in a wheelchair and sent him to another hospital where he got 12 staples to close up the gaping scalp wound, you know, the one from my vicious hammer attack. The one that left him in a coma.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Love it....
My separated AH's would read much the same...
But also- you must have a good job to support me because I don't plan on ever making more than minimum wage... You must also do most of the housework and child care,etc... I will pitch in occasionally, and when I do, I expect massive amounts of praise and sexual favors. You must express how lucky you are to have a man who is so extraordinary every Chance you get.
If you like to see your friends or family you are not for me.
If you ever make small talk or eye contact with men in the grocery store or have male coworkers you are not for me.
Basically you must put everyone in your life aside if you date me uncluding your children. I am all that should matter to you or I will throw temper tantrums...and abuse you.
I, however expect you not to mind when I heavily flirt with women in front of you, especially when I'm drunk.
I will cheat on you. I have cheated in every relationship I've been in. And I will blame it on you. I will blame everything on you. Or my mom or whatever... Nothing is ever my fault.
Hope you like to clean up puke.
Hope you don't have nice furniture. I will break it when I rage.
Hope you don't mind me punching holes in your walls...
Ok that's enough...
Love ya forourgirls!!!!
Hugs to you
My separated AH's would read much the same...
But also- you must have a good job to support me because I don't plan on ever making more than minimum wage... You must also do most of the housework and child care,etc... I will pitch in occasionally, and when I do, I expect massive amounts of praise and sexual favors. You must express how lucky you are to have a man who is so extraordinary every Chance you get.
If you like to see your friends or family you are not for me.
If you ever make small talk or eye contact with men in the grocery store or have male coworkers you are not for me.
Basically you must put everyone in your life aside if you date me uncluding your children. I am all that should matter to you or I will throw temper tantrums...and abuse you.
I, however expect you not to mind when I heavily flirt with women in front of you, especially when I'm drunk.
I will cheat on you. I have cheated in every relationship I've been in. And I will blame it on you. I will blame everything on you. Or my mom or whatever... Nothing is ever my fault.
Hope you like to clean up puke.
Hope you don't have nice furniture. I will break it when I rage.
Hope you don't mind me punching holes in your walls...
Ok that's enough...
Love ya forourgirls!!!!
Hugs to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Right back at ya, KBoys! A lot of those could be added to my post-not all, but some. One of my favorite zingers from my then husband-it's your fault that you don't trust me. Yep-he never did anything untrustworthy! Yet again-back on me. Sigh. G'night.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Austin-very true...I've been in therapy for years dealing with my stuff...and what he did to me. My daughter is in therapy, too. alcoholism is a family disease for sure. I woke up this morning feeling not so good about this post-so not making fun of him or the addiction or trying to be hurtful to those struggling with addiction-trust me , I've been there. I loved this man with all my heart-truly and deeply. But who he is now is not the man I fell in love with.
Peace to y'all today!!
Peace to y'all today!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Lol Refiner!! I'm hysterical reading these responses...
For- sounds a lot like what my ExBF's add would look like. However his would have an added:
"very insecure because of the size of my male member, hope you're cool with me trying to pick up other woman because of it. "
Sorry, I couldn't help it! So glad I can laugh at this ridiculous stuff now!! Wasn't funny going through it!!
For- sounds a lot like what my ExBF's add would look like. However his would have an added:
"very insecure because of the size of my male member, hope you're cool with me trying to pick up other woman because of it. "
Sorry, I couldn't help it! So glad I can laugh at this ridiculous stuff now!! Wasn't funny going through it!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
No-it wasn't funny going through it...it was sick-very sick. I thought of another one at church this morning bc the sermon was on truth-interesting how God answers right on time:
Be warned: my mom is my queen and she is perfect and infallible-I will not ever stand up to her or for you-she and my sister made me who I am-wait, errr, that's good, right? They lie for me too-my mom even broke court orders-like all the time-my mommy abd I are a dynamic duo-and are pillars of truth, goodness and honesty-wait, that's no not true-I need to rethink this profile thing....I'm not too good at telling the truth.
Be warned: my mom is my queen and she is perfect and infallible-I will not ever stand up to her or for you-she and my sister made me who I am-wait, errr, that's good, right? They lie for me too-my mom even broke court orders-like all the time-my mommy abd I are a dynamic duo-and are pillars of truth, goodness and honesty-wait, that's no not true-I need to rethink this profile thing....I'm not too good at telling the truth.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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I'm cracking myself up-I sooooo needed this....it is therapeutic and is hysterically sad and funny at the same time. Haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Its so sick that I have to laugh-just to get through it! (Not that anything he's done is remotely funny).
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There is NOTHING sick about laughing. I remember making jokes when my mom was dying in the hospital. It is a great stress reliever, and looking at the absurdity of certain aspects of situations (and the universe is good enough to provide absurdity in abundance) is a great way of not only improving your mood, but actually reducing some of the power from unpleasant situations. It allows you to step back from the situation and view it with a more objective eye.
You keep laughing--it will hasten the healing immeasurably (as well as entertaining your friends).
You keep laughing--it will hasten the healing immeasurably (as well as entertaining your friends).
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Ha ^ My friends responses have varied from the jaw on the floor look to comments like "girl, you couldn't make this stuff up if you tried-it's so bizarre"...very true-i wish this was my imagination-unfortunately it's reality. Not my reality anymore-Halelujah!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Laughter is the best medicine!
Vent away, joke away, we understand kiddo.
I'm probably not the best person to ask what's appropriate in a sad situation. At my grandfathers viewing, we made paper hats out of the funeral announcement and I placed one on his head in the coffin. I could totally see him "up there" giggling at it.
Vent away, joke away, we understand kiddo.
I'm probably not the best person to ask what's appropriate in a sad situation. At my grandfathers viewing, we made paper hats out of the funeral announcement and I placed one on his head in the coffin. I could totally see him "up there" giggling at it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^^oh my-that WAS ME!!! In all honesty, I'm pretty sure you would have to be screened vigorously by his mother and sister-as they know what's best for him. They save him, rescue him, baby him like good Codie's and enablers bc they have obviously led him in the Godly direction (ha!)....are you okay with dating someone that has the emotion IQ and communication skills of a five year bully who is unable to make a decision for himself?! Truly, friend, I honestly don't think you'd make the cut....too bad, you'd be missing out on so much!! 
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