I know I can't change it, but that doesn't make it easier
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
I know I can't change it, but that doesn't make it easier
I am just really so frustrated with my situation and am trying to find a way to come to terms with it.
So, he moved out two Saturdays ago. Most of his stuff is out of the house. Just a few items I seem to find and then he comes to pick up. The other day he needed his coat as he was going up north for thanksgiving. I realized all of his coats were still here. I gave them all to him and he said "I don't have room for these, just keep them here." I said no, take them, you don't live here anymore. Then yesterday he came to take his scuba stuff because he was going diving today. I said "take all of it please". He said he doesn't have room. I said rent a storage facility, but please get it out of here.
It's hard enough dealing with him many times a day for the business but this never ending getting him out is becoming very difficult.
So yesterday I asked him what he is doing. What is going on with this marriage. He said I don't know and tried to leave. Typical. I said don't do that. Answer the question. I said what is going on with the marriage. I said you left, and in therapy you say you need to fix your relationship with the kids, and you want to heal yourself, but the marriage is not a part of the picture. What is your goal? Do you want to fix this marriage. He said he can't even think about that. The marriage is not even on his mind right now, just his healing and the kids.
I said how's your therapy going? He said great and he feels amazing and he's really happy. It's all so all over the place. He said he is stuck on Step 4 and can't get past it. He said he has so much anger and resentment and fear and that's his focus. Not me or the marriage. I think part of me really is still waiting to hear "I know I screwed up so bad and I want to fix me so I can work on the marriage". And I think the rational part of me knows that that will never happen.
He is still in complete denial and so angry and he's been sober for about 9 months. He puts all his energy into himself and his needs, which is fine, but he needs to make the break from me.
As I wrote that, I realized I need to make the break from him. Some days I am so great, so independent, so good with where I am in my recovery. I am positive and making strides to restart my life. And then he pops in and I'm back ten steps. I realized yesterday as he was getting his scuba stuff together that I think I feel badly about myself when I see him. Like there was something wrong with me that he wants to leave me. Which the rational side of me knows is not true. While I did play my role in this, he is a very sick person who cannot emotionally connect or communicate with another person. It's not me.
I think because I got married right out of college, 26 years ago (our anniversary was 2 days ago, not a word from him, not that there was anything to be said) and this was all I knew. I knew something was amiss when I started really watching other couples interact and realized my relationship was a bit wonky. I have to redefine what I want in a relationship with someone else and with myself.
I know I have all I need within me, sometimes I just can't find it so easily. I think the hardest part here is the constant contact I have with him. It's making it that much more painful. And the fact that he has no remorse about the effect his drinking had on our marriage or me is also very hard. I know I have to forgive him and let go.
I wish the rational side of my brain and the emotional side would start working together. There are days that this is much harder than I ever could have imagined.
So, he moved out two Saturdays ago. Most of his stuff is out of the house. Just a few items I seem to find and then he comes to pick up. The other day he needed his coat as he was going up north for thanksgiving. I realized all of his coats were still here. I gave them all to him and he said "I don't have room for these, just keep them here." I said no, take them, you don't live here anymore. Then yesterday he came to take his scuba stuff because he was going diving today. I said "take all of it please". He said he doesn't have room. I said rent a storage facility, but please get it out of here.
It's hard enough dealing with him many times a day for the business but this never ending getting him out is becoming very difficult.
So yesterday I asked him what he is doing. What is going on with this marriage. He said I don't know and tried to leave. Typical. I said don't do that. Answer the question. I said what is going on with the marriage. I said you left, and in therapy you say you need to fix your relationship with the kids, and you want to heal yourself, but the marriage is not a part of the picture. What is your goal? Do you want to fix this marriage. He said he can't even think about that. The marriage is not even on his mind right now, just his healing and the kids.
I said how's your therapy going? He said great and he feels amazing and he's really happy. It's all so all over the place. He said he is stuck on Step 4 and can't get past it. He said he has so much anger and resentment and fear and that's his focus. Not me or the marriage. I think part of me really is still waiting to hear "I know I screwed up so bad and I want to fix me so I can work on the marriage". And I think the rational part of me knows that that will never happen.
He is still in complete denial and so angry and he's been sober for about 9 months. He puts all his energy into himself and his needs, which is fine, but he needs to make the break from me.
As I wrote that, I realized I need to make the break from him. Some days I am so great, so independent, so good with where I am in my recovery. I am positive and making strides to restart my life. And then he pops in and I'm back ten steps. I realized yesterday as he was getting his scuba stuff together that I think I feel badly about myself when I see him. Like there was something wrong with me that he wants to leave me. Which the rational side of me knows is not true. While I did play my role in this, he is a very sick person who cannot emotionally connect or communicate with another person. It's not me.
I think because I got married right out of college, 26 years ago (our anniversary was 2 days ago, not a word from him, not that there was anything to be said) and this was all I knew. I knew something was amiss when I started really watching other couples interact and realized my relationship was a bit wonky. I have to redefine what I want in a relationship with someone else and with myself.
I know I have all I need within me, sometimes I just can't find it so easily. I think the hardest part here is the constant contact I have with him. It's making it that much more painful. And the fact that he has no remorse about the effect his drinking had on our marriage or me is also very hard. I know I have to forgive him and let go.
I wish the rational side of my brain and the emotional side would start working together. There are days that this is much harder than I ever could have imagined.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
FWIW, he probably has plenty of remorse. That's probably why he's feeling stuck on his Fourth Step. It isn't about remorse, it's about objectively looking at what you've done.
Trying to pin him down as to a "goal" with the marriage isn't realistic right now. He probably doesn't know, himself. If I were his sponsor I'd be telling him to focus on his sobriety, because without that he has nothing to bring to the table in terms of a marriage or any other relationship.
What's YOUR goal? With everything that's happened, do you want to keep waiting to see what he decides? Or do you want to make your own decision about what's best for you right now? Or are you on the fence, too? That might make his ambivalence a little easier to understand.
For right now, you are taking steps to disentangle yourself. I'd suggest you continue that process and see how things unfold. It may be that you will find you would rather move on without him. Or at some point you may revisit it after you've both progressed further in your respective recoveries.
Uncertainty is really difficult for most of us. But sometimes it's where we find ourselves for a while. Learning to tolerate it can force us to grow in ways we wouldn't have expected. Things will become clearer with time. You're doing some good things for yourself in the meantime. Are you going to Al-Anon?
Trying to pin him down as to a "goal" with the marriage isn't realistic right now. He probably doesn't know, himself. If I were his sponsor I'd be telling him to focus on his sobriety, because without that he has nothing to bring to the table in terms of a marriage or any other relationship.
What's YOUR goal? With everything that's happened, do you want to keep waiting to see what he decides? Or do you want to make your own decision about what's best for you right now? Or are you on the fence, too? That might make his ambivalence a little easier to understand.
For right now, you are taking steps to disentangle yourself. I'd suggest you continue that process and see how things unfold. It may be that you will find you would rather move on without him. Or at some point you may revisit it after you've both progressed further in your respective recoveries.
Uncertainty is really difficult for most of us. But sometimes it's where we find ourselves for a while. Learning to tolerate it can force us to grow in ways we wouldn't have expected. Things will become clearer with time. You're doing some good things for yourself in the meantime. Are you going to Al-Anon?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amy....it looks to me like you are working very hard on dealing with the reality of the situation and trying to move on. It looks to me like you are doing a good job, at that....
I agree, that seeing him whenever he decides to pop up is making it all the harder, for you. Intermittent contact is more difficult than no contact. (read about the intermittent chicken in past threads).
He is setting boundaries for himself (he has the right)......so....maybe you just have to be more firm in setting boundaries for yourself, also.
You seem to have some good insight about yourself......and what you "wish" would still happen....but, you also seem to know what is realistic....
You are still in the grieving process.....no doubt. It hasn't been very long since this became "real". It takes much longer than this to work through the kalidescope of emotions.....Weeks to months. It takes at least a year to get to the "past history" phase/as opposed to the current S*** phase.
Grief takes it's OWN time.
Maybe, take his personal possessions and put them in a storage unit....and pay the first month....and give him the key.
You are not some china doll that can be placed on a shelf ......and taken down at will......
Your feelings matter as much to you, as his do to him.
I know, full well, that this is not easy.....but, you will get there.....
dandylion
I agree, that seeing him whenever he decides to pop up is making it all the harder, for you. Intermittent contact is more difficult than no contact. (read about the intermittent chicken in past threads).
He is setting boundaries for himself (he has the right)......so....maybe you just have to be more firm in setting boundaries for yourself, also.
You seem to have some good insight about yourself......and what you "wish" would still happen....but, you also seem to know what is realistic....
You are still in the grieving process.....no doubt. It hasn't been very long since this became "real". It takes much longer than this to work through the kalidescope of emotions.....Weeks to months. It takes at least a year to get to the "past history" phase/as opposed to the current S*** phase.
Grief takes it's OWN time.
Maybe, take his personal possessions and put them in a storage unit....and pay the first month....and give him the key.
You are not some china doll that can be placed on a shelf ......and taken down at will......
Your feelings matter as much to you, as his do to him.
I know, full well, that this is not easy.....but, you will get there.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
I think getting the rest of his stuff out of the house is really important--
You should also change your locks, IMO, so you have a secure space
just as he does.
If you decide to get together again down the road, that can still happen,
but right now a more clear-cut and limited / no contact separation seems
like it would be best for both of you.
This doesn't have to be nasty--just tell him seeing him hurts you right now
and you both need to focus on recovery.
Put the stuff in storage if he doesn't have room and give him the key.
You have a right to space and healing here Amy and it doesn't seem like you are getting it.
Hugs
You should also change your locks, IMO, so you have a secure space
just as he does.
If you decide to get together again down the road, that can still happen,
but right now a more clear-cut and limited / no contact separation seems
like it would be best for both of you.
This doesn't have to be nasty--just tell him seeing him hurts you right now
and you both need to focus on recovery.
Put the stuff in storage if he doesn't have room and give him the key.
You have a right to space and healing here Amy and it doesn't seem like you are getting it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Have you worked the steps, Amy? It took me months to work Step 4. I'm only codependent. I used a counselor, meetings and a sponsor. Most of my focus was on recognizing familial patterns I had learned and used in my adult relationships that I thought was normal, but were actually chock full of manipulative and passive aggressive intent. To this day I'm not perfect and I need to be extra cautious of not reacting in the way I was brought up. - especially when I'm with my family. If I get tired or anxious, it is best for me to just walk away and rest as I'm likely to go down that old road.
Now some people think the steps should be worked very quickly as you can always do them again. So who knows how long your H will be on 4. But I found 4 overwhelming but freeing.
My RAH claimed he did most of the steps in rehab (28 days). He has never really sat down and apologized to me for his addiction. He is sober now 31 months. I had to let go of that expectation. It was exceedingly HARD. but it was a codependent thing to expect a huge movie scene of him apologizing and thanking me for sticking 'it' out. In reality, my H shows me every day with his behavior that he wants to be here. He helps out around the house. He's responsible with work and bills and the usual day to day grind. But my H has never been one to talk about emotions. His entire family buries their heads in the sand about problems. They are a bundle of delightful codependent and ACOA souls. So I understand their behaviors with a lot more empathy. I cannot make my H or any of my or his family seek recovery the way I did. I cannot expect my RAH to suddenly be some emotionally available human when he was not raised that way and has never been that way. He is who he is.
The people here with serious time in recovery say it takes a marriage 5 years to recover from addiction. I think that is a very good estimate. My marriage is still alive, but only because we both took a lot of pressure off of it.
Now some people think the steps should be worked very quickly as you can always do them again. So who knows how long your H will be on 4. But I found 4 overwhelming but freeing.
My RAH claimed he did most of the steps in rehab (28 days). He has never really sat down and apologized to me for his addiction. He is sober now 31 months. I had to let go of that expectation. It was exceedingly HARD. but it was a codependent thing to expect a huge movie scene of him apologizing and thanking me for sticking 'it' out. In reality, my H shows me every day with his behavior that he wants to be here. He helps out around the house. He's responsible with work and bills and the usual day to day grind. But my H has never been one to talk about emotions. His entire family buries their heads in the sand about problems. They are a bundle of delightful codependent and ACOA souls. So I understand their behaviors with a lot more empathy. I cannot make my H or any of my or his family seek recovery the way I did. I cannot expect my RAH to suddenly be some emotionally available human when he was not raised that way and has never been that way. He is who he is.
The people here with serious time in recovery say it takes a marriage 5 years to recover from addiction. I think that is a very good estimate. My marriage is still alive, but only because we both took a lot of pressure off of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Where would I be without your guys and this site? I don't even want to think about it!
LexieCat: What is my goal? that was a good question. my goal is to be happy and peaceful and have self worth and self respect and surround myself with others who feel the same way about themselves and respect me. lofty goal? i don't know but that's what i'm shooting for. apparently it might take a while but it's a road i'm willing to travel. when i feel like crumbling i think about where i was 9 months ago and i realize how much healing i've done. still far from where i want to be but so much further from where i was. so that is promising and positive. You were right about learning to tolerate uncertainty. I've never been good with uncertainty, and I need to learn to let go and leave the road to my higher power. it's ok to have uncertainty. but it is going to be hard for me to live with, but that's the work. that illusion of control i used to have was very powerful. letting it go. And yes, I go to Al-Anon and can't imagine not going. It is so helpful in so many ways.
Dandylion I guess I am still grieving. And I can see now that it is a process and will come in waves. It's amazing when I think of the work I've done and how hard all of this and think how I don't think he's done any of the work. But it makes me happy that I am doing the work because it will help me in all of my adult relationships moving forward. This is definitely making me a better, stronger person with more compassion for other people and their journey and that it's not my job to control their journey!
And I love what you said about not being a china doll put on the shelf. I feel that's how he treats me, except not as precious as a china doll. More like just an object he puts on the shelf. I will not be put on a shelf. Nobody puts baby in the corner
I am getting stronger, very slowly. I need to set clearer boundaries that work for me, i see that now.
Hawkeye you are right. I am finding it VERY difficult to heal with him coming and going. While I do insist that he calls me before coming to the house, it's not enough. It's got to be less frequent. I think once all of his sh*t is out of here it will be less frequent. I put all of it in the garage today and told him he needs to come get it out of here. His bikes and all. I am not a storage facility.
CodeJob I have not worked the steps but plan on getting a sponsor after thanksgiving. I think I found someone I want to ask finally. And 5 years for a marriage to recover from addiction? Not sure if I feel like hanging out for 5 years to see if he is going to get serious about his recovery. But you're right, I was waiting for the movie apology and it's not happening. And his family is full of addicts as well. Many brothers and sisters and every one of them has an addiction to either alcohol, drugs or food and they all live with their head in the sand. So when he goes home he gets high fives all around for how much weight he lost and how great he looks. Because nobody wants to hear about the ugly stuff. So they don't really help the situation.
I see more and more I need to just keep moving and healing myself. Everything else will fall into place.
Thank you all so much.
LexieCat: What is my goal? that was a good question. my goal is to be happy and peaceful and have self worth and self respect and surround myself with others who feel the same way about themselves and respect me. lofty goal? i don't know but that's what i'm shooting for. apparently it might take a while but it's a road i'm willing to travel. when i feel like crumbling i think about where i was 9 months ago and i realize how much healing i've done. still far from where i want to be but so much further from where i was. so that is promising and positive. You were right about learning to tolerate uncertainty. I've never been good with uncertainty, and I need to learn to let go and leave the road to my higher power. it's ok to have uncertainty. but it is going to be hard for me to live with, but that's the work. that illusion of control i used to have was very powerful. letting it go. And yes, I go to Al-Anon and can't imagine not going. It is so helpful in so many ways.
Dandylion I guess I am still grieving. And I can see now that it is a process and will come in waves. It's amazing when I think of the work I've done and how hard all of this and think how I don't think he's done any of the work. But it makes me happy that I am doing the work because it will help me in all of my adult relationships moving forward. This is definitely making me a better, stronger person with more compassion for other people and their journey and that it's not my job to control their journey!
And I love what you said about not being a china doll put on the shelf. I feel that's how he treats me, except not as precious as a china doll. More like just an object he puts on the shelf. I will not be put on a shelf. Nobody puts baby in the corner
I am getting stronger, very slowly. I need to set clearer boundaries that work for me, i see that now.
Hawkeye you are right. I am finding it VERY difficult to heal with him coming and going. While I do insist that he calls me before coming to the house, it's not enough. It's got to be less frequent. I think once all of his sh*t is out of here it will be less frequent. I put all of it in the garage today and told him he needs to come get it out of here. His bikes and all. I am not a storage facility.
CodeJob I have not worked the steps but plan on getting a sponsor after thanksgiving. I think I found someone I want to ask finally. And 5 years for a marriage to recover from addiction? Not sure if I feel like hanging out for 5 years to see if he is going to get serious about his recovery. But you're right, I was waiting for the movie apology and it's not happening. And his family is full of addicts as well. Many brothers and sisters and every one of them has an addiction to either alcohol, drugs or food and they all live with their head in the sand. So when he goes home he gets high fives all around for how much weight he lost and how great he looks. Because nobody wants to hear about the ugly stuff. So they don't really help the situation.
I see more and more I need to just keep moving and healing myself. Everything else will fall into place.
Thank you all so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
I will not be put on a shelf. Nobody puts baby in the corner
And if you need help removing his junk from your space, I think hiring a reputable, respectable moving company is your best bet. You really want the very best in these delicate situations.
Shirtless Movers - 19 Photos - Movers - Phoenix, AZ - Reviews - Yelp
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
D@mn straight.
And if you need help removing his junk from your space, I think hiring a reputable, respectable moving company is your best bet. You really want the very best in these delicate situations.
Shirtless Movers - 19 Photos - Movers - Phoenix, AZ - Reviews - Yelp
And if you need help removing his junk from your space, I think hiring a reputable, respectable moving company is your best bet. You really want the very best in these delicate situations.
Shirtless Movers - 19 Photos - Movers - Phoenix, AZ - Reviews - Yelp
I'm in LS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
LadyScribbler....now THAT'S what I'm talking about! So funny!
Hawkeye...definitely. Enough of this already. I went to yoga this morning, going to get my hair colored now, then off to buy some boots for my thanksgiving trip. I'm doing for me. I'm not meeting his selfish needs anymore, just focusing on me.
Hawkeye...definitely. Enough of this already. I went to yoga this morning, going to get my hair colored now, then off to buy some boots for my thanksgiving trip. I'm doing for me. I'm not meeting his selfish needs anymore, just focusing on me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Ugh, NYCDoglvr I know it and can't figure out why. And yes I go to Alanon. I think getting a sponsor and starting my steps will help. I know we still have the business between he and I, I just can't figure out what to do when he and I communicate and it starts to get ugly. I slip right back into my frustration reaction and needing to control and get answers out of him. I get frustrated with him and then frustrated with myself. Alanon and my readings and this site help me so much. And I'm in a way better place than I was months ago, but I still have so far to go. I need to work on my response to him when he is infuriating and selfish and lies. In my marriage/separation with him, I'm good. I have practiced detachment and knowing his mistakes, his actions, etc are his journey. But when it comes to the business it's my financial future on the line. The sooner I am out of the business, the better, but for the time being this is the situation and I need to figure out how best to deal with it.
This is making healing a bit more of a battle than I'd like. But I know my HP has a plan in all of this, but a little slack here and there would be great!
This is making healing a bit more of a battle than I'd like. But I know my HP has a plan in all of this, but a little slack here and there would be great!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
