OMG how to handle the ANGER + is this abuse?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Do you feel abused?
Yes it's abuse emotional/psychological/verbal abuse.
Yes it's abuse emotional/psychological/verbal abuse.
Originally Posted by manicpanic15 
I'm struggling...SO BAD.
I just started Al-Anon, went to the library after my meeting and got the Co Depedency No More "Workbook". They didn't have the actual book, but I thought this would be a good start.
I've read here tons. and tons. For months. I've got the gist on what to do but still have ALOT of internal work to do.
I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is abuse or not, all I know is that I'm so freaking angry and feel trapped that it is now affecting me physically.
Recap my sitch: Hubs is an alcoholic and pot smoker when off/on jobs he can smoke and not get caught by randoms. Had an emotional affair with an ex he lied about a few years ago (possibly physical but I have no proof). 1st said oh it was her coming on to me and I turned her down, but then in a drunken rant admits it was HIM wanting sex with her but she turned him down. Then says that she is the one that gets him physically aroused (But said it nastier, if ya know what I mean). Has made comments on how "We never had the fireworks" and has insinuated that him and her DID have and that makes me feel like crap.
Last six months I've seen him go crazy with drinking and escalated fights/being mean while drunk. Intentionally picking fights/saying awful things he knows will hurt (SHE gets me aroused, I want to cheat on you). While being extremely drunk then getting high, decides he is going on a bike ride. Kids hear this go nuts THEY want to go. He says SURE lets go on a bike ride. I'm scared. OMG. He is wayyyy too wasted to take them (They are little) on a bike ride. I freak and take kids to my parents preventing it from happening. This was the night he was so mean/nasty, saying he is not a family guy, that this life makes him angry and miserable. Next day flowers, long letter of what a jerk he is, he is so sorry, why does he keep doing this, I'm the most soulful person he has ever met.
Later I find out he was calling women he found on craigslist that night and even a massage parlor.
WE come up with separation agreement and I make him get tested for STD's which came up clean. He begs/pleads to make it better, swears it was because he was drunk and I took kids and he thought we were over.
WE try to repair relationship. He is sweet and attentive. THen one day he says he is going on the nightshift and never asked what I thought. Just made the decision without asking. And said "I didn't really care WHAT you thought". I'm hurt, he is EXCITED. Now I'm worried - he is gonna be home all day by himself - is he gonna cheat again? I start stalking SR and realize there is nothing I can do - I need to DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. I detach but try to stay loving/sweet. Making big deal out of his bday even though I'm flat out exhausted since now ALL kid duties, house duties are suddenly on me while he works. Find out that during this he was STILL looking for women online and sending them pics of his male parts and messaging them.
Yet he still wants to work on it. He loves me, more than anything. Realized how bad he screwed up. I can barely breathe or make sense of anything at this point. how do I get beyond this anger? Is this abuse?
I just started Al-Anon, went to the library after my meeting and got the Co Depedency No More "Workbook". They didn't have the actual book, but I thought this would be a good start.
I've read here tons. and tons. For months. I've got the gist on what to do but still have ALOT of internal work to do.
I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is abuse or not, all I know is that I'm so freaking angry and feel trapped that it is now affecting me physically.
Recap my sitch: Hubs is an alcoholic and pot smoker when off/on jobs he can smoke and not get caught by randoms. Had an emotional affair with an ex he lied about a few years ago (possibly physical but I have no proof). 1st said oh it was her coming on to me and I turned her down, but then in a drunken rant admits it was HIM wanting sex with her but she turned him down. Then says that she is the one that gets him physically aroused (But said it nastier, if ya know what I mean). Has made comments on how "We never had the fireworks" and has insinuated that him and her DID have and that makes me feel like crap.
Last six months I've seen him go crazy with drinking and escalated fights/being mean while drunk. Intentionally picking fights/saying awful things he knows will hurt (SHE gets me aroused, I want to cheat on you). While being extremely drunk then getting high, decides he is going on a bike ride. Kids hear this go nuts THEY want to go. He says SURE lets go on a bike ride. I'm scared. OMG. He is wayyyy too wasted to take them (They are little) on a bike ride. I freak and take kids to my parents preventing it from happening. This was the night he was so mean/nasty, saying he is not a family guy, that this life makes him angry and miserable. Next day flowers, long letter of what a jerk he is, he is so sorry, why does he keep doing this, I'm the most soulful person he has ever met.
Later I find out he was calling women he found on craigslist that night and even a massage parlor.
WE come up with separation agreement and I make him get tested for STD's which came up clean. He begs/pleads to make it better, swears it was because he was drunk and I took kids and he thought we were over.
WE try to repair relationship. He is sweet and attentive. THen one day he says he is going on the nightshift and never asked what I thought. Just made the decision without asking. And said "I didn't really care WHAT you thought". I'm hurt, he is EXCITED. Now I'm worried - he is gonna be home all day by himself - is he gonna cheat again? I start stalking SR and realize there is nothing I can do - I need to DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. I detach but try to stay loving/sweet. Making big deal out of his bday even though I'm flat out exhausted since now ALL kid duties, house duties are suddenly on me while he works. Find out that during this he was STILL looking for women online and sending them pics of his male parts and messaging them.
Yet he still wants to work on it. He loves me, more than anything. Realized how bad he screwed up. I can barely breathe or make sense of anything at this point. how do I get beyond this anger? Is this abuse?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you have every right to be angry. He is putting your kids in danger and disregarding your marriage vows, not to mention all the turmoil that everyone experiences as a result of his drinking.
Smart move to have the STD test. Sounds like this is an ongoing problem for him though so one test may not gaurantee you are safe. My AH also had a problem with other women. I minimized it and blamed that behavior on the alcholism. I too believed his promises to change and be better. As someone else mentioned they are 2 separate issues. I read some things by Patrick Carnes on sex addiction. I don't know that AH qualified for that label or even if I'm convinced that sex addiction is a real thing but the reading was informative.
Going to Al Anon helped too. I tried different meetings until I found people I was comfortable with. The best thing I did was leave and stay gone. The separation gave me time to live in peace and decide what was best for the kids and me. I was scared about the custody thing too. Like Lady I kept a journal. I didn't search for bottles but if I came across them I noted it. I also kept records like: "Said he was going out to pick up food for the family. Returned 2 hours later with no food. Passed out 10 minutes after driving home."
Alcoholism is full of lies and denial. I didn't know how bad my situation was until AH died from drinking. Even when he was on what I call his "good" behavior he still was not present emotionally in our family life. I didn't want our kids to learn to accept this as normal. And then take into account the crazy drinking behavior, porn, dating websites...not behavior that is conducive to healthy families.
Good luck to you. I wish I had better advice on how to deal with the anger. I still feel it. Maybe use it to keep doing the next right thing for you and the kids.
Smart move to have the STD test. Sounds like this is an ongoing problem for him though so one test may not gaurantee you are safe. My AH also had a problem with other women. I minimized it and blamed that behavior on the alcholism. I too believed his promises to change and be better. As someone else mentioned they are 2 separate issues. I read some things by Patrick Carnes on sex addiction. I don't know that AH qualified for that label or even if I'm convinced that sex addiction is a real thing but the reading was informative.
Going to Al Anon helped too. I tried different meetings until I found people I was comfortable with. The best thing I did was leave and stay gone. The separation gave me time to live in peace and decide what was best for the kids and me. I was scared about the custody thing too. Like Lady I kept a journal. I didn't search for bottles but if I came across them I noted it. I also kept records like: "Said he was going out to pick up food for the family. Returned 2 hours later with no food. Passed out 10 minutes after driving home."
Alcoholism is full of lies and denial. I didn't know how bad my situation was until AH died from drinking. Even when he was on what I call his "good" behavior he still was not present emotionally in our family life. I didn't want our kids to learn to accept this as normal. And then take into account the crazy drinking behavior, porn, dating websites...not behavior that is conducive to healthy families.
Good luck to you. I wish I had better advice on how to deal with the anger. I still feel it. Maybe use it to keep doing the next right thing for you and the kids.
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