I feel a storm coming on...so much for walking on eggshells.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Beautiful share, FS. I think when we come into SR or Al-Anon or whatever (for me it was Al-Anon), we think nobody else GETS what we're dealing with. Our situation feels unique (and to some extent it is, but much less than we think), and what happened with other people isn't going to be true for us.
What helped me, in my recovery from an alcoholic relationship, and in my recovery for my own alcoholism, was to trust that the other people further down the path knew what they were talking about. That doesn't mean that someone else can figure out MY solution to MY problem, but it does mean that their perspectives are worth considering, and my own beliefs are worth questioning. A lot of my beliefs were based on defending myself--because it's darned scary to realize responsibility for my own recovery rested with ME, not with how someone else was doing. Interestingly, though, once you get used to the idea, it's quite free-ing to realize you don't have to be hostage to someone else's behavior.
It's a process to get there, and you described it very well.
What helped me, in my recovery from an alcoholic relationship, and in my recovery for my own alcoholism, was to trust that the other people further down the path knew what they were talking about. That doesn't mean that someone else can figure out MY solution to MY problem, but it does mean that their perspectives are worth considering, and my own beliefs are worth questioning. A lot of my beliefs were based on defending myself--because it's darned scary to realize responsibility for my own recovery rested with ME, not with how someone else was doing. Interestingly, though, once you get used to the idea, it's quite free-ing to realize you don't have to be hostage to someone else's behavior.
It's a process to get there, and you described it very well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
I have read your post a couple of times but have not had time to read the replies on this thread so apologies if this post is out of sequence.
If I was in your shoes the most important and ONLY thing I would be worrying about at the moment is my 6 year old son. Not how I feel about the photos, or how he is portraying his Dad, or worrying about anything else other than his emotionally wellbeing.
He is at a particularly vulnerable age. Many key behaviours and personality characteristics are formed up to the age of 6 in children. And he will have been soaking up information from unpleasant things he has seen and heard for many years and then interpreting them in his little boy universe.
It is great that you husband is getting sober. But, if I were in your shoes, I would reach out for some serious counselling and support for your son and your family so that you can face the future together with your son having help to make sense of the world and how he feels about it.
When adults are hurting adults we are old enough to help ourselves. But children can't help themselves. Only the people they trust can help them. What he has experienced at such a young age amounts to emotional abuse.
I am sorry if I am speaking out of turn. I sincerely wish you well.
If I was in your shoes the most important and ONLY thing I would be worrying about at the moment is my 6 year old son. Not how I feel about the photos, or how he is portraying his Dad, or worrying about anything else other than his emotionally wellbeing.
He is at a particularly vulnerable age. Many key behaviours and personality characteristics are formed up to the age of 6 in children. And he will have been soaking up information from unpleasant things he has seen and heard for many years and then interpreting them in his little boy universe.
It is great that you husband is getting sober. But, if I were in your shoes, I would reach out for some serious counselling and support for your son and your family so that you can face the future together with your son having help to make sense of the world and how he feels about it.
When adults are hurting adults we are old enough to help ourselves. But children can't help themselves. Only the people they trust can help them. What he has experienced at such a young age amounts to emotional abuse.
I am sorry if I am speaking out of turn. I sincerely wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I agree with Anvil, Ladyscribbler, and many others here. While we are in the midst of the chaos of a family with an alcoholic as its center, we become desensitized to what normal, healthy, happy behavior is in a family.
It's a kind of brainwashing, sometimes called gaslighting. You can search for that term here on SR, and you'll get a lot of stories, mine included.
What is happening to your son is NOT OK. Profoundly not ok. You need to get him out of this highly sexualized environment NOW. And get him counselling immediately to help him deal with this onslaught of sexuality that is totally age inappropriate.
Your accountability first and foremost is to your children. You are their sole real parent, and it is imperative that you understand that and take whatever steps you need to to get your son in a safe environment.
It sounds like time for a real separation with no contact for a number of months. It is when we are away from, totally removed from, your husband's chaotic and dysfunctional behavior, that we begin to understand how unhealthy our environment was.
Waiting until the holidays are over, or whatever seems pressing, including your husband's protestations that his behavior is normal, is just not going to cut it.
We are here with you, and it is because many of us have had to go through this transformation of our viewpoint that we are recommending it to you. When we - you - are brainwashed, as we are after many years in an increasingly dysfunctional and destructive home, when we finally get away, at first it seems quiet. Then we begin to understand.
ShootingStar1
It's a kind of brainwashing, sometimes called gaslighting. You can search for that term here on SR, and you'll get a lot of stories, mine included.
What is happening to your son is NOT OK. Profoundly not ok. You need to get him out of this highly sexualized environment NOW. And get him counselling immediately to help him deal with this onslaught of sexuality that is totally age inappropriate.
Your accountability first and foremost is to your children. You are their sole real parent, and it is imperative that you understand that and take whatever steps you need to to get your son in a safe environment.
It sounds like time for a real separation with no contact for a number of months. It is when we are away from, totally removed from, your husband's chaotic and dysfunctional behavior, that we begin to understand how unhealthy our environment was.
Waiting until the holidays are over, or whatever seems pressing, including your husband's protestations that his behavior is normal, is just not going to cut it.
We are here with you, and it is because many of us have had to go through this transformation of our viewpoint that we are recommending it to you. When we - you - are brainwashed, as we are after many years in an increasingly dysfunctional and destructive home, when we finally get away, at first it seems quiet. Then we begin to understand.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
It sounds like time for a real separation with no contact for a number of months. It is when we are away from, totally removed from, your husband's chaotic and dysfunctional behavior, that we begin to understand how unhealthy our environment was.
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can restrict your contact to matters involving ONLY the children. Preferably with a custody/visitation order that limits the need to do that.
There are various online programs that allow divorced/separated parents to note online details concerning the children's appointments and activities. It can be done with minimal conversation concerning anything else.
There are various online programs that allow divorced/separated parents to note online details concerning the children's appointments and activities. It can be done with minimal conversation concerning anything else.
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