pilot35

hi there,

After having a couple HE episodes, the last time he entered the hospital by the emergency room, I told him (64 years old) that he needed to get help or I would not continue to be a part of his life. He was also diagnosed with cirrhosis. He then accepted to go and seek help. He entered in a 8 months program where he learned about how to manage his emotions, how to not use alcohol to stop his anxiety (he has a very big anxiety problem) and to start taking care of himself. He completed the program last friday (november 13th). He takes his medicine for his liver and he sees a doctor 2 times per month. They asked him if he was interested in following up and he said no, for the moment I am tired and I don't feel like going into support groups.

I am very proud of him, but the problem I am facing now is that he seems to have zero real motivation to do things. In his head, he is motivated, but when it comes to do things to get where he wants to be, he just stops. For example, I sold, with his approuval, his house (his temple where he would drink until death basically, where my mother left him and where he did not change anything since she left almost 9 years ago) and he thinks he is acting and being proactive by just moving around (walking). We had to do almost all the work, put things in boxes. He was anxious to even decide to throw away unuseful things. He always says he is tired and all he wants to do is sleep and scratch himself because he has skin problems.

The problem is, I have zero patience with him. I feel like he has no willpower, he doesn't seem to face what is going on and I dont see how he will be able to manage to live by his own, do the house choirs and be motivated to go out, walk, try to find new hobbies and to meet new persons. Also, he takes every comment like if it was a declaration of war and he denies or minimizes everything. He says, let me do things my own way at my rythm. I feel like he is too slow and things wont get done. If he could, he would have brought everything from his super large house into the small appartment. He knows he needs to go out, he knows he needs to eat healthy, he knows he needs to broaden his spectrum of hobbies...but it's always tommorow.

Could he have alcohol dementia or is his anxiety problem not solved and even though he doesn't drink anymore, he won't get better without taking antidepressors etc? How long does it take for someone who used alcohol for 10+ years? I AM PISSED OFF because I made all this happen, I saved his arse 10 times, brought him 4 times at the hospital in a 3 months period etc. He doesn't seem to understand I am afraid to lose him and I know it would be best for him to seek more help.

Am I being too impatient? Should I relax and lower my expectations? I need help, this is driving me crazy

Liveitwell

If it's driving YOU crazy, then you can choose to stop. It doesbt seem to be driving him crazy. Not being harsh at all but I see a lot of martyring in your words. It's not your battle to fight! Loving someone sometimes means leaving then to their own devices/and letting them handle their life the way they choose-not the way you choose. Instead of focusing on him, shift the focus to yourself (which is the only thing that can change)....what do you get out if continuing to "help"? Feelkh needed, important, in control? Just asking the questions so you can begin to work on you-as opposed to focusing your energy on him-bc that WILL drive you crazy. Btdt and have the freaking medal.
Peace to you tonight-I'm sure others will chime in with their wisdom.

pilot35

Hello there,

Thanks for your reply. It's strange, because I had my first meeting to my psychologist and we talked about this issue. He said the same thing as you. He told me that when I have a doubt, I use too much rationalization which normally is good, but for me is the way I avoid confronting my feelings and emotions. I realize I did everything I could to help my father and now it's his own choice to pursue hapiness or not. It hurts, but I guess it's not by telling him what to do in a hard way that he will listen. He will just close his mind even more.

That being said, I still believe my father needs help because he is in a big depression. His alcohol widhtrawal was just the first step for him to be able to really treat his depression. He has so much anxiety that he can't even take the decision to go for a walk, to know what to cook, to take a shower. Instead, he just freezes and sleeps or watch tv.

I called his rehab center and they said that I should advice him to have small objectives daily, but even that, it's too much. I am not sure what the next move is. I am not sure if all this is caused by wet brain? I feel like I need more informations, not for telling him what to do, but to give him the information so he can pursue help if he wants to? Or maybe I'm already going back to my old thinking of wanting to help him more than he does?

FeelingGreat

Hi Pilot, will he go to the doctor with you if you make the appointment? Normally this forum is about detaching from your addict's struggles, but I think an exception can be made for severely depressed people. If your father stays sober I can see him retreating into his own world and being unable to drag himself out.

Possibly medication for anxiety and depression is called for, at least for a while, but it's unlikely he'll be motivated to seek out advice for himself. He would also benefit from a support group, but you can't force him into one. This may be the only way of at least starting him on the road to mental health.

If you can't persuade him to seek treatment, then at least you'll have tried your best and can work at detaching.

pilot35

Yes, but he feels attacked everytime I bring this up. He denies the importance of it. He says he is just a little anxious and I suspect he even lies to show us that he's being proactive. I asked him if he wants me to go with him to the doctor, but then again, he doesn't want to because I suspect he doesn't want me to tell everything what is going on to the doctor. His brother told me that all his life he has an apatic behavior. It's like he doesn't want to go through different times and prefers to avoid them or drink and not think about it.

I'm not sure how I can bring this up. I thought about setting up a meeting with his rehab center coach and tell him we're going to the shopping center and he will have to face the music...maybe if his helper there tells him the importance to seek help.

He still has yellow eyes...even if he doesn't drink, he thinks just by taking the meds, his liver will be fine. He needs to eat properly and exercice...but as this requires an effort...you know whats coming is nothing is done!

FeelingGreat

Pilot, it would be great if he could be assessed for depression by a doctor and there is a possibility that properly prescribed meds would help. One thing about super passive people is they tend to go along with you when you take decisive action.

If it were me I would make an extended appointment and go along with him to the consultation. There is a fine line between helping him and not respecting his decisions about his own health, but if this comes to nothing a least he will have made an informed decision.

Severely introverted, possibly agoraphobic people do feel more comfortable in their own space, so what's good for you might not be good for him. Don't forget that life without alcohol takes a lot of adjustment and he might not be like this forever. Once he starts getting used to his sobriety he may get out more so try not to force him too much.

Maybe once a week you 2 could go for a short walk in a park or somewhere interesting without a lot of people, just so he gets the idea. He would feel more secure with you, and not have to interact with others. If he has any older grandchildren maybe you could ask them to go for short walks with him (payment is not out of the question).

There may be some local volunteer resources you could tap into as well, say visitors or small groups.