What to Do with Codependent "Sponginess"

Old 11-19-2015, 01:55 PM
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What to Do with Codependent "Sponginess"

Having grown up in a dysfunctional family, I, like many codependents have become very, very good at decoding everyone's moods in the room, almost instantly. I am actually pretty talented at sensing what everyone is feeling or if anything is "off", almost immediately. Now, before recovery, I always thought that the moods of everyone or the vibe of the situation was somehow my responsibility to fix. And in doing my self-proclaimed "fixing duty", I first had to interpret why a particular person was in the mood that they were in or having the feelings that they were having. Now, while I am great at sensing moods or feelings, a lot of times my interpretations were way off!! Why? Many times it is because I personalized that the other person's mood always had something to do with me and second, I am a wonderful codependent "catastrophizer." So, my interpretations always leaned towards the worst case scenarios.

So, I am learning that other people's moods/feelings are not my responsibility unless my actions have lead to their moods and feelings and then, in that case, it is the other party's responsibility to communicate that to me. I am learning to detach and stop my "spidey senses" from tingling too much, but when they do, I try to stop my thoughts from spiraling to worst case scenarios. It hasn't been easy, but my awareness is at least slowing the process down.

What are things that you do to stop you from crossing your side of the fence in this regard? How have you stopped giving a lot of attention to your "sponginess" of other people's moods?
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Old 11-19-2015, 02:18 PM
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I struggle with this too - I am such a fixer. Everything must be perfect around me lol. I'm trying to learn for my answer to every dilemma to be "thank you for sharing that with me." It's helping.
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:03 PM
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I struggle with this as well. My mom suffers from pretty severe untreated mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia) and interactions with her are a huge trigger for me. I spent a lot of my childhood trying to manage her erratic moods so that I would feel safe. When I'm around her I have to force myself to shut off the fixit mode and remind myself that her bizarre responses to everyday interactions are not my fault.
I said the word "dog" today and it set her off on a ten minute rant. I pretty much had to force myself not to react or respond in any way. Afterward my brother said, "Well, you shouldn't have said the word 'dog'."
I said, "The words I say have nothing to do with her symptoms."
And it's true. Even if I walked on eggshells 24/7 and watched every word out of my mouth, it wouldn't matter. She is mentally ill. It has nothing to do with me.
That was a huge revelation.
"It has nothing to do with me." I've had to make that my mantra. It helps.
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:12 PM
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My mantra that helps (learned at SR) is

Not my circus, not my monkey.

Though I still sense the room around me, I get to ask myself this when it comes to my "helping."

I have said it out loud on occasion, but usually in my head is enough.
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:23 PM
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Thank you so much for this! I, too, am a fixer who personalized EVERYTHING I see around me. For me, one of my biggest wake up calls has been seeing my 8 yo daughter exhibiting the same behavior and trying to "fix" me or her sister.

We're both learning, slowly, it's not our job to make other people feel a certain way.
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Old 11-19-2015, 03:48 PM
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I've learned to keep the focus on my own thoughts, feelings and words. A recent mantra: "It's none of my business!" It's hard not to offer unsolicited advice but I've learned people hate it. If someone wants my opinion they can ask for it, but otherwise I work on keeping out of other people's issues.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:00 PM
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It is hard for me as well. When I stopped trying to fix I had a lightbulb moment that people trying to fix others problems are truly serving their own selfish desires-it's really not about helping at all-it's about feeling needed, wanting control, etc. No bueno. It's hard to face these issues and be honest about them. I still struggle with it but I catch myself and walk away. Not my circus, not my monkey is damn right!
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:20 PM
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I struggle so much with this. I love it when people ask for my help or when I feel needed or wanted but for some reason I hate asking for help!
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:47 PM
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Originally Posted by TacoTruckHeaven View Post
I struggle so much with this. I love it when people ask for my help or when I feel needed or wanted but for some reason I hate asking for help!
Same here. It's like choking on a mouthful of acid. But I LOVE feeling "needed."
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:48 PM
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"Why? Many times it is because I personalized that the other person's mood always had something to do with me and second, I am a wonderful codependent "catastrophizer." So, my interpretations always leaned towards the worst case scenarios."

I love this, thank you! I always think everyone is mad at me. My neighbor didn't seem to want to talk when we ran into each other last night. He must not like me anymore. My aunt's text messages have been very short (when usually they're not). She must be upset with me... what did I do wrong (mentally review everything I have said to her EVER)? The friendship must be over! Oh my gosh, so exhausting. I think people don't think about me nearly as much as I fear they do. And like you said, it's always the worst case scenario.

Good thread.
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:16 PM
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^^ oh Good Lord almighty-that was me,...holy moly. I totally still have my moments but the difference is now I SEE-I'm able to see it before I go down the rabbit hole and adjust accordingly, reframe thoughts and go on with my life. Funny thing-my ex was absolutely correct about those aspects of me-spot on. I think we knew each other better than we knew ourselves-or were willing to admit the other person was right. Funny how marriage acts as a mirror to your best and worst qualities-how god designs it! (He would call me on my ******** and I appreciated it-took me a while to seek help for my issues but he did have some genuine constructive criticism that I absolutely changed-for the better). These things would be at the top of the list.
I definitely personalized everything-I was a walking poster child for codependency!! One day at a time-progress over perfection-and all of that
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Old 11-20-2015, 07:06 AM
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It's a really hard habit to break & for me a lot of it was just practice, practice, practice. I think of it (& other AC0A habits I have/had) like trying to grind giant gears to a halt & reverse their direction - it takes time & a lot of hard work. I have to create a NEW pattern, it's not enough to just stop the old for me. I've been doing this MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Being aware that I was going down that Codie road was the biggest step -I had to *see* myself clearly first. I ask myself: Do I know this to be TRUE? Can I say that yes, I KNOW 100% that this is FACT? If not, there's my answer right there - do I want to get worked up over something fully knowing I don't know anything about it? (It just sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud like that.)

I also acknowledged it out loud with people I was close enough to feel emotionally safe with. "I didn't want to assume x,y,z so I thought I'd just ask you?" Well, once I spit out the acid taste, lol, I totally agree with that analogy! Sometimes I am reading the situation clearly but when I've been wrong, I've been REALLY wrong too. A lot of times being wrong leads them to open up about whatever "it" is & then I learn even more. (More about how I could have never anticipated what was really going on.)

Then I need to replay it all later on in my mind & put it through my "recovery filter" too (I know I'm not the only one, lol); looking at the differences or similarities to what I'd been "sponging" off of them initially. (great term!)

Replaying it reinforces the new synaptical routes that I'm working on creating for the habit/pattern. These videos are better at explaining it than I am:
https://www.khanacademy.org/science/...ional-memories

https://www.khanacademy.org/science/...tic-plasticity

For ME this is also a great tool for my gut checks/self-trust too because I started to see the things/times/etc that I'm "right" about too, which made me more confident in turn.... each time I felt better about knowing where the lines/boundaries were, got calmer during those emotional moments & could think more clearly because I wasn't focusing on interpreting & questioning myself. It's a big circle!
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Old 11-20-2015, 08:02 AM
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I spent years trying to fix my XAH and It took me years to realize that I can't do a darn thing about his drinking. The more I tried to fix it, the more he resisted. Well, yes, I said XAH, my divorce is final Dec 20th. I left. I need to fix myself.
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Old 11-20-2015, 12:26 PM
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i had an interesting spin on this ride recently here at work. for over 4 years i have been the sole adminstrative support for our group, which ranged from a low of 15 but has now ramped back up to a cast of characters of 22. i did everything from the change the lightbulb in the wall sconce in the hallway to putting together a $5 million dollar grant proposal, and just about everything in between. and i got to feel like the HERO a lot, cuz well there wasn't a lot of competition!

i loved it and i hated it. i had days where i'd say to myself there is NO WAY i can get all this sh!t done, can't they count, there is still only ME!
and then i had days where i was kickin' some serious Admin Ass!

not too long ago, we FINALLY hired an assistant! yay! HELP! really really awesome person, sharp as a tack, smart as a whip, an absolute perfect addition to the team. i have spent weeks training her on everything under the sun. (and quite well i might add!).

but NOW, staff are taking stuff directly to HER to do....which is the whole point but i find myself wanting to assert my authority, or intervene, so that they don't forget whose wearing the HERO cape around here. and then way in the back of my mind i worry, crap am i going to lose my job someday??????

just a really strange phenomena i wasn't really expecting....
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Old 11-20-2015, 02:07 PM
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Wow, I can so relate to all of you who don't like asking for help. My husband's cousin's wife once said to me, "You need to learn to receive, not just give." When you deny other's help, you really are rejecting their kindness. And if we get pleasure from giving, we have to assume others do, as well.

Today, I walked into a client's office, only to get screamed at for what I felt was unfounded reasons. I kept my cool, but I also was assertive on where I stood on the situation. It all ended up being fine and amazingly, this situation didn't eat me up all day, like I would typically let it. I was proud of myself for standing up for myself. Lately, I have been able to observe things in a really detached manner and it feels good! Ironically, by being detached, I feel more "in control" than I ever have in my prior to recovery "control freak"years!
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Old 11-20-2015, 03:55 PM
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Truly-I think not asking for help cones from our childhoods-bc most of us here grew up in dysfunction and we wore a mask to the world. And for me I didn't have a role model at all that sought out help-victim mother and alcoholic father that both stuffed it under the rug. God wants us to ask for help-he's pleading for us to ask Him. It took me a lot if struggles (that I brought on myself) and finally admitting that I couldn't manage my life anymore to finally reach out. Re reading this thread makes me happy to see those doing the hard work to uncover all the ugliness, get to the bottom of it and rebuild. Good stuff, y'all!
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