Should I respond
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Should I respond
Hello,
First time poster. Had a long distance relationship with a drug addict from 2012-2014. SO was doing club drugs for the first 6 months of the relationship and then joined NA.
Often I suspected lies and that SO was still going to raves. I couldn't confirm because of the distance (different countries). One day, I saw a pic posted of SO at a rave and the relationship ended. She claimed she was still sober, but I didn't care by that time.
I immediately went No Contact and xSO didn't bother me.
6 months later, I tried to be friends at xSO's request. It did not go well, as xSO refused to apologize for lying about drugs and actually blamed me for having to lie. (so much for NA steps) I resumed No Contact without any response.
Fast forward 7 months later and I got an email out of the blue. xSO apologized for the dishonesty and is now taking full responsibility. The email goes on to thank me for making things clear. Because of me, xSO now sees that the lies she told harmed herself by not being true to herself. It babbled a lot and was unlike any apology I have ever seen. The email came across as condescending and arrogant.
I have heard all of this before--repeatedly during the 2 year relationship. Part of me wants to ignore the email. I don't find the apology to be sincere. It was sent after her birthday weekend, so she may have been high. The other part of me wants to tell her off as tactfully as possible--without being mean. I want her to know that I have moved on and she means nothing to me.
I worked hard to get over this relationship. I had no clue what it meant to be in a relationship with an addict. If it weren't for the distance, the relationship wouldn't have lasted a month. I have come to terms with all of it and have truly moved on. How do I convey this to her? Should I?
I would appreciate any advice.
First time poster. Had a long distance relationship with a drug addict from 2012-2014. SO was doing club drugs for the first 6 months of the relationship and then joined NA.
Often I suspected lies and that SO was still going to raves. I couldn't confirm because of the distance (different countries). One day, I saw a pic posted of SO at a rave and the relationship ended. She claimed she was still sober, but I didn't care by that time.
I immediately went No Contact and xSO didn't bother me.
6 months later, I tried to be friends at xSO's request. It did not go well, as xSO refused to apologize for lying about drugs and actually blamed me for having to lie. (so much for NA steps) I resumed No Contact without any response.
Fast forward 7 months later and I got an email out of the blue. xSO apologized for the dishonesty and is now taking full responsibility. The email goes on to thank me for making things clear. Because of me, xSO now sees that the lies she told harmed herself by not being true to herself. It babbled a lot and was unlike any apology I have ever seen. The email came across as condescending and arrogant.
I have heard all of this before--repeatedly during the 2 year relationship. Part of me wants to ignore the email. I don't find the apology to be sincere. It was sent after her birthday weekend, so she may have been high. The other part of me wants to tell her off as tactfully as possible--without being mean. I want her to know that I have moved on and she means nothing to me.
I worked hard to get over this relationship. I had no clue what it meant to be in a relationship with an addict. If it weren't for the distance, the relationship wouldn't have lasted a month. I have come to terms with all of it and have truly moved on. How do I convey this to her? Should I?
I would appreciate any advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You do not owe her anything. If it is too challenging to your well-being and peace of mind to respond, or struggle with whether you should respond or not, then it's okay to let it go. You don't have to explain yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Thank you for your response. I think emailing her back and setting her straight will make me feel better. I didn't do it before because I went No Contact (which worked great and saved me from saying dumb things). Now I can be matter of fact and point out that I don't buy it.
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I understand that you have a lot that you want to say, just make sure you're not looking for the person who caused this unrest in you to be the same person who heals it. I know it can feel good to release your anger and "set someone straight," but in my experience, in the long run, it doesn't provide closure and often backfires. If she is an addict, she lives with a daily pain that someone who is not addicted to substances can possibly understand. You can choose to add to that pain for your own sake or you can let her go to find her own way. I understand where you're coming from, but maybe give it a few days before you respond and see if you still feel the same way.
Sometimes silence makes the strongest statement.
Sometimes silence makes the strongest statement.
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I am not expecting anything from her. I worked hard on my own closure without her and I am 100% over it. I don't want to be back in the relationship and I am very happy with my life (as I was before this relationship). I think it's more of a case of me wanting to set her straight and make sure she knows that she's not fooling me with the BS and I'm not buying it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Or why not even wait a few weeks? Right now you want to "set her straight" because she pushed your buttons with her email and you're angry. But engaging further isn't going to bring you peace, it's just going to open up to more button pushing.
Closure is over-rated. I've had to accept that communicating with exes doesn't give me closure, it just reopens old wounds. The only way I've found to heal those wounds is to move on and figure out how to change myself so that I choose a healthier relationship next time.
Closure is over-rated. I've had to accept that communicating with exes doesn't give me closure, it just reopens old wounds. The only way I've found to heal those wounds is to move on and figure out how to change myself so that I choose a healthier relationship next time.
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I understand. It just sounds like needing to "win", which suggest maybe you are not as 100% over it as you think. People who have closure don't feel the need to set someone straight.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best outcome.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best outcome.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I agree. This isn't about closure. This about telling her that I don't believe her lies and her apology is not accepted. In other words, stay out of my life. I'm not angry; the anger subsided a year ago. I want her to know that her apology is not credible because she has done this countless times before (during the relationship). By making this clear, I suspect it will keep her from ever emailing me again.
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You hit the nail on the head! I do need to win--or something like it. This person really snowed me with her lies and distance--and she assumes that I am stupid. I am not stupid. She was very good at manipulation and pretending to be someone that she is not.
As my mother often told me growing up: I like to have the last word.
Haha. It's true, yet I remained No Contact like a champ!
As my mother often told me growing up: I like to have the last word.
Haha. It's true, yet I remained No Contact like a champ!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Here's the thing. She is either in recovery or she isn't -- you don't know either way, though I know you suspect she isn't.
If she IS in recovery, she already feels terrible. She is dealing with shame on a level that non-addicts cannot even fathom. She knows she has done this a million times before and suspects you won't believe her, but she did it anyway and is moving forward in her recovery in a way that requires extraordinary courage. You'd basically be kicking a puppy that just found its feet. If you can live with that, great. That's yours to own.
If she ISN'T in recovery, then she will not hear you. Your words will not hold the magic key to her understanding. No one's ever did. She will not learn from your anger, and in a few months or weeks or years or whatever she will come right back looking to see if you've forgotten and maybe will let her back in again.
You're looking for an outcome that may not be realistic and is more likely to rouse up old angst than anything else.
When I am at peace, I don't look for ways to stir up emotional drama.
If she IS in recovery, she already feels terrible. She is dealing with shame on a level that non-addicts cannot even fathom. She knows she has done this a million times before and suspects you won't believe her, but she did it anyway and is moving forward in her recovery in a way that requires extraordinary courage. You'd basically be kicking a puppy that just found its feet. If you can live with that, great. That's yours to own.
If she ISN'T in recovery, then she will not hear you. Your words will not hold the magic key to her understanding. No one's ever did. She will not learn from your anger, and in a few months or weeks or years or whatever she will come right back looking to see if you've forgotten and maybe will let her back in again.
You're looking for an outcome that may not be realistic and is more likely to rouse up old angst than anything else.
When I am at peace, I don't look for ways to stir up emotional drama.
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SparkleKitty, You make points I had not considered. I have no experience with this sort of thing.
I do like puppies, and certainly would never kick one.
And you're right that she won't hear me if she is back to doing drugs.
Before I posted, I was hellbent on responding to her. Now I don't know what to do. Perhaps no response at all is the best way to go. What do you think about that?
I do like puppies, and certainly would never kick one.
And you're right that she won't hear me if she is back to doing drugs.
Before I posted, I was hellbent on responding to her. Now I don't know what to do. Perhaps no response at all is the best way to go. What do you think about that?
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Not responding would be my personal choice, but I am probably a few more years out of my relationship with an addict than you are.
Whatever you decide ultimately, there is certainly no reason to have to respond right now. Perhaps you just need a few days to play the tape forward and see if there is any outcome from responding that would significantly improve your life from where it is right now, and how likely that outcome is to actually happen. You've seen my thoughts on the matter -- I'm sure more folks with experience will be by to share their stories.
Time is on your side, might as well make good use of it.
Whatever you decide ultimately, there is certainly no reason to have to respond right now. Perhaps you just need a few days to play the tape forward and see if there is any outcome from responding that would significantly improve your life from where it is right now, and how likely that outcome is to actually happen. You've seen my thoughts on the matter -- I'm sure more folks with experience will be by to share their stories.
Time is on your side, might as well make good use of it.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I am leaning heavily now towards no response. The relationship ended August 2014. I worked hard to process everything by reading this site, every kindle book on the subject, and journaling. I finally started to feel normal again by January. Aside from the brief contact in April 2015, there has been no contact. After reading your advice, I think that's what is best: no contact. I certainly don't want her in my life.
I'll be happy to hear what others think.
Thanks again to everyone on this forum. Though I've never posted before, I was an avid reader of this forum both during the relationship and in the aftermath of the breakup. So much wisdom in this forum! Please know that it is appreciated.
I'll be happy to hear what others think.
Thanks again to everyone on this forum. Though I've never posted before, I was an avid reader of this forum both during the relationship and in the aftermath of the breakup. So much wisdom in this forum! Please know that it is appreciated.
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You don't have to comment on any of it. If you really want her to leave you alone, you can simply say something like, "Thanks, I understand what you're saying. We both deserve peace in our lives, and for me that means moving on. Please don't contact me again. I wish you every happiness."
It's an acknowledgement (without necessarily expressing a belief as to her sincerity or truthfulness) and a clear expression that going forward you don't want to hear from her. And an expression of goodwill.
Just my two cents.
It's an acknowledgement (without necessarily expressing a belief as to her sincerity or truthfulness) and a clear expression that going forward you don't want to hear from her. And an expression of goodwill.
Just my two cents.
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IDK what the right answer is for you, but I do know that they only way I have managed to get people to get the point of No Contact 100% is to never re-engage. ANY form of communication is an act of picking up the rope & engaging.
You already know she can't validate your experience, you aren't expecting closure or amends. You literally have nothing to gain from responding? So why do it? Maybe the lesson here is that you missed a step with NC by not blocking her emails - or maybe you did but she has a new address she's contacting you from that you can block now so you don't have to make this decision again in the future.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard at SR was that when it comes to an active addict, you have to provide your OWN closure because you'll never get it any other way. HTH, but of course, it's just my opinions!
You already know she can't validate your experience, you aren't expecting closure or amends. You literally have nothing to gain from responding? So why do it? Maybe the lesson here is that you missed a step with NC by not blocking her emails - or maybe you did but she has a new address she's contacting you from that you can block now so you don't have to make this decision again in the future.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard at SR was that when it comes to an active addict, you have to provide your OWN closure because you'll never get it any other way. HTH, but of course, it's just my opinions!
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[QUOTE=BDG4488;5651511]
Fast forward 7 months later and I got an email out of the blue. xSO apologized for the dishonesty and is now taking full responsibility. The email goes on to thank me for making things clear. Because of me, xSO now sees that the lies she told harmed herself by not being true to herself. It babbled a lot and was unlike any apology I have ever seen. The email came across as condescending and arrogant.
I worked hard to get over this relationship. I had no clue what it meant to be in a relationship with an addict. If it weren't for the distance, the relationship wouldn't have lasted a month. I have come to terms with all of it and have truly moved on. How do I convey this to her? Should I?
QUOTE]
You convey this to her by not answsering any emails... in fact, is there a way to block her? A response is just leading her on to further communications. Communication with someone who is obviously NOT recovered or in recovery is futile. Ignore her.
Fast forward 7 months later and I got an email out of the blue. xSO apologized for the dishonesty and is now taking full responsibility. The email goes on to thank me for making things clear. Because of me, xSO now sees that the lies she told harmed herself by not being true to herself. It babbled a lot and was unlike any apology I have ever seen. The email came across as condescending and arrogant.
I worked hard to get over this relationship. I had no clue what it meant to be in a relationship with an addict. If it weren't for the distance, the relationship wouldn't have lasted a month. I have come to terms with all of it and have truly moved on. How do I convey this to her? Should I?
QUOTE]
You convey this to her by not answsering any emails... in fact, is there a way to block her? A response is just leading her on to further communications. Communication with someone who is obviously NOT recovered or in recovery is futile. Ignore her.
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Send no response and move along with your life, block all communication.
The best revenge is living well, take the high road and all that stuff
I will never get how text messages have become an acceptable means of serious communication!! (or emails)
The best revenge is living well, take the high road and all that stuff
I will never get how text messages have become an acceptable means of serious communication!! (or emails)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Wanted to update everyone on my decision. I waited a couple of weeks and decided to be polite and acknowledge the apology from ex addict gf. That led to some emails back and forth that were cordial. There was even an admission of one alcohol relapse in the year since we broke up. And also an admission of secret drug use during the last 18 months of the relationship. I suspected this, but couldn't know for sure because we lived in different countries. I was thankful for the admission and expressed that. Then things took a negative turn. The last two emails were about our break up and the details are not even right. Not at all! I am suddenly reminded of the self-delusion she lives in. I stopped responding and immediately felt relief having her out of my life. Again.
It's been two days since I just stopped responding. This morning, she emailed me and asked if she annoyed me. - - and then a bunch of gibberish about how I might not be remembering things correctly. This is absurd, obviously, because she has huge memory issues due to the drug addiction. We had many conversations about her bad memory during our relationship. Now that she's using again, her memory cannot be any better.
Although she annoyed the hell out of me lately, I am glad I responded because of the drug use admission and the admission that she's still using and intends to continue using (because alcohol is the problem, not the drugs). It's all so ridiculous. But my curiosity has been satisfied.
You guys are so insightful and helpful. I would like your opinions. I will be perfectly content to block her and resume no contact. I told her two weeks ago that I was open to a friendship. Her delusional emails have made me change my mind. She lives in another country and I'll never see her again. Is it OK to just ghost her? That's what I want to do. Or am I obligated to tell her that I changed my mind? Frankly, I don't think she deserves any kindness from me after all the lies.
It's been two days since I just stopped responding. This morning, she emailed me and asked if she annoyed me. - - and then a bunch of gibberish about how I might not be remembering things correctly. This is absurd, obviously, because she has huge memory issues due to the drug addiction. We had many conversations about her bad memory during our relationship. Now that she's using again, her memory cannot be any better.
Although she annoyed the hell out of me lately, I am glad I responded because of the drug use admission and the admission that she's still using and intends to continue using (because alcohol is the problem, not the drugs). It's all so ridiculous. But my curiosity has been satisfied.
You guys are so insightful and helpful. I would like your opinions. I will be perfectly content to block her and resume no contact. I told her two weeks ago that I was open to a friendship. Her delusional emails have made me change my mind. She lives in another country and I'll never see her again. Is it OK to just ghost her? That's what I want to do. Or am I obligated to tell her that I changed my mind? Frankly, I don't think she deserves any kindness from me after all the lies.
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