Should I respond
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, you told her you'd continue the friendship. I'd send the one email saying this is your last communication, and THEN block her before she has a chance to respond and suck you in again.
You're certainly not obligated to, but given the fact that you told her one thing and are now changing your mind (for good reason--I get that), I think it would be the decent thing to do rather than leaving her hanging.
You're certainly not obligated to, but given the fact that you told her one thing and are now changing your mind (for good reason--I get that), I think it would be the decent thing to do rather than leaving her hanging.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 47
Thanks, redheadsusie. I have been very happy and peaceful in the past 15 months since the break up. It took me a few months to grieve, but I am beyond all of that now. The few emails that we exchanged over the last month have not been fun for me. I felt obligated to be polite. Then when the emails began to get negative, I just wanted to take back what I said about being open to friendship!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 47
I am afraid that if I respond to her at all, it won't end. I feel more in control of myself if I resume no contact. Otherwise, I'll end up saying something hurtful (like pointing out how delusional she is). I don't want to be mean. I just want to be left alone.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, to me it feels "meaner" to leave someone hanging when they thought things were OK.
Practice in advance what you want to say. Maybe something like, "I've given it a lot of thought and I think that continuing a relationship with you, even on a friendship level, won't be healthy for me. I wish you the best, but please don't contact me again. I am blocking your email and other communications, not out of anger or ill-will, but because I think it's for the best."
Or words to that effect. It indicates you've made a FINAL decision, that it's not up for discussion, but you don't hate her guts. It will still make her feel bad, but that can't be helped. I think disappearing without a word is more hurtful.
My two cents.
Practice in advance what you want to say. Maybe something like, "I've given it a lot of thought and I think that continuing a relationship with you, even on a friendship level, won't be healthy for me. I wish you the best, but please don't contact me again. I am blocking your email and other communications, not out of anger or ill-will, but because I think it's for the best."
Or words to that effect. It indicates you've made a FINAL decision, that it's not up for discussion, but you don't hate her guts. It will still make her feel bad, but that can't be helped. I think disappearing without a word is more hurtful.
My two cents.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
If you've moved on then the best way to let her know that is by not responding.
Originally Posted by BDG4488 
Hello,
First time poster. Had a long distance relationship with a drug addict from 2012-2014. SO was doing club drugs for the first 6 months of the relationship and then joined NA.
Often I suspected lies and that SO was still going to raves. I couldn't confirm because of the distance (different countries). One day, I saw a pic posted of SO at a rave and the relationship ended. She claimed she was still sober, but I didn't care by that time.
I immediately went No Contact and xSO didn't bother me.
6 months later, I tried to be friends at xSO's request. It did not go well, as xSO refused to apologize for lying about drugs and actually blamed me for having to lie. (so much for NA steps) I resumed No Contact without any response.
Fast forward 7 months later and I got an email out of the blue. xSO apologized for the dishonesty and is now taking full responsibility. The email goes on to thank me for making things clear. Because of me, xSO now sees that the lies she told harmed herself by not being true to herself. It babbled a lot and was unlike any apology I have ever seen. The email came across as condescending and arrogant.
I have heard all of this before--repeatedly during the 2 year relationship. Part of me wants to ignore the email. I don't find the apology to be sincere. It was sent after her birthday weekend, so she may have been high. The other part of me wants to tell her off as tactfully as possible--without being mean. I want her to know that I have moved on and she means nothing to me.
I worked hard to get over this relationship. I had no clue what it meant to be in a relationship with an addict. If it weren't for the distance, the relationship wouldn't have lasted a month. I have come to terms with all of it and have truly moved on. How do I convey this to her? Should I?
I would appreciate any advice.
First time poster. Had a long distance relationship with a drug addict from 2012-2014. SO was doing club drugs for the first 6 months of the relationship and then joined NA.
Often I suspected lies and that SO was still going to raves. I couldn't confirm because of the distance (different countries). One day, I saw a pic posted of SO at a rave and the relationship ended. She claimed she was still sober, but I didn't care by that time.
I immediately went No Contact and xSO didn't bother me.
6 months later, I tried to be friends at xSO's request. It did not go well, as xSO refused to apologize for lying about drugs and actually blamed me for having to lie. (so much for NA steps) I resumed No Contact without any response.
Fast forward 7 months later and I got an email out of the blue. xSO apologized for the dishonesty and is now taking full responsibility. The email goes on to thank me for making things clear. Because of me, xSO now sees that the lies she told harmed herself by not being true to herself. It babbled a lot and was unlike any apology I have ever seen. The email came across as condescending and arrogant.
I have heard all of this before--repeatedly during the 2 year relationship. Part of me wants to ignore the email. I don't find the apology to be sincere. It was sent after her birthday weekend, so she may have been high. The other part of me wants to tell her off as tactfully as possible--without being mean. I want her to know that I have moved on and she means nothing to me.
I worked hard to get over this relationship. I had no clue what it meant to be in a relationship with an addict. If it weren't for the distance, the relationship wouldn't have lasted a month. I have come to terms with all of it and have truly moved on. How do I convey this to her? Should I?
I would appreciate any advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 47
Update
Just taking a moment to thank everyone who helped me before. I still read this site fairly regularly and have learned so much from everyone here.
In the end, I decided not to respond further and resumed no contact. It felt more peaceful and true to myself to go that route. Should she ever find a way to get through my blocks, I will simply delete without reading.
I was completely clueless about addiction prior to this relationship and the information I learned on this site. Living in different countries certainly made it easier for her to hide it. However, I feel like I've learned enough from this experience and from you guys that I will be able to spot any red flags in my next relationship. For now, I am enjoying the single life.
Thanks to all of you for your insight and continued sharing of your wisdom. To anyone who is undecided as to whether to walk away from the lies and drama: do it and don't look back. It's worth it for the peace and authenticity that comes from removing the addict from your life.
In the end, I decided not to respond further and resumed no contact. It felt more peaceful and true to myself to go that route. Should she ever find a way to get through my blocks, I will simply delete without reading.
I was completely clueless about addiction prior to this relationship and the information I learned on this site. Living in different countries certainly made it easier for her to hide it. However, I feel like I've learned enough from this experience and from you guys that I will be able to spot any red flags in my next relationship. For now, I am enjoying the single life.
Thanks to all of you for your insight and continued sharing of your wisdom. To anyone who is undecided as to whether to walk away from the lies and drama: do it and don't look back. It's worth it for the peace and authenticity that comes from removing the addict from your life.
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