Liveitwell

I re read this thread bc it's such a difficult topic-managing expectations with an alcoholic of recovering alcoholc. I never had the pleasure of seeing my ex recover, maybe I never will. Something Hopeful said really stuck out...that is EXACTLY how my ex treated me after a few years together. The first he was amazing, amazing/was there for me on an intimate level and stood up for me and my morals (and I thought his morals but apparently he has none and I was simply projecting my morals on to him). He was good. When he started sliding into alcoholism there were so many things that changed (for the worse) but the huge one that stuck out was that of I had any complaint (and I mean like the big one-I.e. Please stop (fill in the blank) when you're drunk-it hurts, or it's not ok, or.....the list goes on and on....the response I got was literally, "get over it...God-it's not a big deal-do you know what I deal with everyday?!". Yep-get over it. Not once in ten years together did I ever utter the words to him, get over it....bc that's not reasonable and it's damn abusive (in many of the instances it was used in our marriage). I remember he used to talk all about-all I want is to have time with you. So I set up dates-which he would then bitch about abc sometimes lash out at me leaving me in tears and him yelling, you guessed it, "oh-get over it". I truly think he shut it all out to simply not deal with the shame of hurting me-or he was simply a narcissist that truly didn't care at all-but I don't think that was the case-maybe it was. It sure seems like that is what has been revealed-what he is revealed. Just doesn't care. It doesn't matter now , but I wanted to share. That simple fact of not being validated and told I was stupid and that my deepest feelings and fears no longer mattered to him drove so much of my anger. I think KBoys talked about how her anger would cause her to lash out at things that were ridiculous/and not related to the anger at all. Yep-same here.
Funny thing is, I did get over it-I got over all of his **** and I got out.
To the OP, separation may be best to not damage the good that is left in the marriage and work on issues separately-truly, I wish you the best. I know these are hard times. Trust that God will use this time for good!

CarryThatWeight

Can someone please clarify the "lower your expectations," and "expectations cause more harm than anything else in a relationship" theme that is echoing here? I'm honestly confused about this in my own life. To be fair, the phrase "lower your expectations" triggers me because my ex husband used to say that to me all the time. He'd say I had watched too much TV and that I expected too much from marriage. Come to find out, expecting companionship, respect, intimacy... is really not expecting too much. I was lonely, neglected, and verbally abused, all the while being told that I needed to "lower my expectations." After all, the Big Book says our happiness is proportional to our expectations. So then I felt guilty for expecting too much.

Where is the line between lowering your expectations and accepting unacceptable behavior? It seems to me that the original poster here has experienced, and still is experiencing unacceptable behavior from her husband. Are you all saying that he's not capable of better, so she shouldn't be expecting better (said with no hint of sarcasm--I really want to understand)? That she should leave him if she wants better?

If anyone can shed some light on this, I would appreciate it. I am trying to work this out in my own mind. So much of what was in the original post sounds so familiar to me.

LexieCat

When we talk about having "low expectations" and having problems with expectations, we don't mean that you shouldn't want to be treated well or to insist on it in a relationship. What we mean is that if the person you are with is incapable of meeting those expectations (or even unwilling to do so), you are only hurting your head by expecting something you aren't going to get from that person. It's more a matter of accepting reality than saying it's OK. Sometimes the inability to behave in a certain way is temporary--in early recovery, lots of alcoholics are incapable of being the way they would like to be because they haven't learned how to do it or because the lingering effects of many years of drinking haven't abated yet. Other times you have to assume it's a permanent condition and your choices are to live with it or to move on from the relationship. The point really is that trying to force someone else to change doesn't work.

Liveitwell

CTW-I feel ya. I don't recall how many hundreds of times I was told that my expectations were too high-and truth, he was being honest. I desired in my marriage an intimacy with him, (maybe one night a week to just veg in front of the tv and talk about our days? Nope-I was screamed at and verbally abused when I asked for one night where he wasn't drinking by himself the entire night), no drunkenness, honesty, trust and respect-things we did absolutely once have when I was his first love-not the bottle-but those were long gone. Truthfully, him being an alcoholic he could not meet any of those expectations-and I lowered mine to just barely nothing, and accepted abuse, and he still complained. It's been eye opening to realize the only time we were in synch and met each other's expectations was when I was drinking too-I was out there right along with everyone getting drunk and abusing and I think truly, that was what he was looking for in a partner-so I no longer met his expectations either bc I stopped drinking and started rebuilding my life.
I think Lexie explained it perfectly....

Dimndaruf

I attend Al-anon when my schedule permits....between my 2 children, homework, bath time, finding time to work out (for me), laundry, etc. its hard to commit to it regularly. I don't have a sponsor yet but look forward to getting one.
Withing the past 2 months if he's "slipped" I can't tell.

Dimndaruf

I'm not offended, I appreciate forwardness and honesty!

I do deserve everything you speak but I don't think its unattainable with him. That's what keeps me trying...well that and the fact that we have 2 children together. He's not a complete jerk (just stubborn) and blinded by alcoholic fog. That doesn't mean that I will stick around forever, just means I'm trying to see if he will change as he's showed great improvement before when he was sober for 1 year. There was a huge difference in him and our relationship, just want that back...

Dimndaruf

Boy, did you hit the nail right on the head with that one!!

Lilro

Alcoholics like to minimize the hurt they caused in the past and expect those they did hurt to just forget about it, and the mind does not work in that way.

Hopeful4 - You hit the nail on the head with that comment

Lilro

Funny thing is, I did get over it-I got over all of his **** and I got out

Me too Forourgirls ...... Me too.... As a matter of fact, those are the very last words he said to me... The .....very ....last....

And guess what? I'm over it! Unbelievable! I think they all follow the same script!