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Codie pot stirrer

Old 11-18-2015, 05:59 PM
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Codie pot stirrer

I've been doing pretty well with my codependency but today I had a flare up. There is a violent kid on my younger son's hockey team. I've seen him hit, push and cross check my son and other teammates. Today he went after my son. He was not disciplined or taken off the ice. He rarely is.

I lost my temper on the mom's boyfriend/babysitter (of all people!). Immediately I recognized I did the wrong thing. Some things you just can't take back. I told the mom I feel her son is a danger to other players and that it's not fair to them.

She was headed to a meeting with the disciplinary committee tonight to discuss a progressive discipline program. I don't know why I didn't just keep my mouth shut and stay out of this. Instead I created conflict and drama. I can rationalize WHY I was so frustrated, but the fact is that the mom has been a friend over the years. I'm feeling down about recreating my Codie patterns, swirling the pot, and creating drama with my temper.

Rather than continue any further -- and start trying to drag people onto my "side" -- I decided to reach out here for insight and support.
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Old 11-18-2015, 06:06 PM
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I'm a little bit confused about what happened. You said you "went off on" the boyfriend/babysitter (which is he?), but then you talked about things you said to the mom.

I don't see that having a few words (even a few tense/angry words) with the parent of a child who poses a threat to your own is "creating drama." It sounds as if he does need some discipline, and who better to call it to the attention of the team's committee? Is this a school team, or an independent league? How old are the kids?
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Old 11-18-2015, 06:13 PM
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Thanks for listening Lexie.

The kids are 9 years old. The person I initially shared my concerns with is both the boyfriend and the babysitter!! He's the adult who is responsible for the child while he's at practice.

As soon as I told the boyfriend/babysitter my concerns I thought that I should have gone to the mom instead. So I got in touch with her to share my concerns.

I struggle with expressing strong opinions. I seem confident on the outside but inside I am so insecure that I tend to feel both angry and guilty at the same time, if that makes sense...
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Old 11-18-2015, 06:19 PM
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I get it. It sounds to me as if you acted appropriately--assuming you didn't stoop to name-calling or accusing her of being a terrible mother to have such a "problem child."

You first mentioned it to the person there with the child, and then you (appropriately, IMO) spoke with the person who has ultimate responsibility for the child. As well as with the team authorities (who could find themselves in hot water if they don't take appropriate action to ensure the safety of all of the players).

So unless you left something major out of this account, I'd just chalk it up to not being used to handling things like this in a sober, assertive way.

I totally get being uncomfortable doing it--it's hard for me, too (in spite of what I did for a living). But we gotta remind ourselves that whether it's comfortable isn't always a measure of whether it's RIGHT.
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Old 11-18-2015, 06:35 PM
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Lexie - I really respect your opinion. Thank you.
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Old 11-18-2015, 07:37 PM
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you're a mom, you see your CHILD being "beat up" by another child, above and beyond what could be considered acceptable for the sport. that isn't codependency, that is called PARENTHOOD. my "kid" is now 32 and i would still go rabid on ANYONE who intentionally harmed her.....
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:24 AM
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I don't think you did anything wrong.
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Old 11-19-2015, 07:57 AM
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This isn't Codie crap-it's being a parent. My 6 year old was clotheslined and intentionally tripped and shoved to the ground at a soccer game a couple of months ago-and others on my team were as well. As the coach I stepped in and did have a few words with the other coach-who interestingly enough defended his players bullying (hmmm-wonder where they get their attitudes from?!)....I did have to talk down a couple other parents as they were ready to fight!...I also filed a complaint with the league-bc I was pissed-and rightfully so! I don't consider this Codie behavior at all-pretty normal.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:10 PM
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I really respect all your opinions (I read here several times a week ) - and appreciate the feedback.

I'm more confident than I used to be but when I have friction with someone or disagree with them I feel really uncomfortable. I automatically assume I said it wrong, or it's my fault, or I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

The other kid's mom is super toxic and dysfunctional. Years ago we were friendly, but by the grace of God she chose to spend time with people even more toxic than me, so we were not super close.

I am so thankful for recovery because it helps me see things a little more clearly. Her response to my concerns was to deflect and blame me (for my approach) rather than address the issue - her kid's serious social and behavioral issues and pattern of violence.

Anyway, thank you for helping me think through this!!
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:43 PM
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I'm the same way.

Believe it or not, I'm stressing at the moment over whether to tell the operator of the tour company that sponsored my recent trip to Morocco that her minion (the PR person who traveled with us supposedly so she could have personal knowledge of her trip--I suspect it's a way for her to get a free trip while the tour company gets a tax writeoff) acted like a complete jerk on the entire trip. As much as I loved the tour company (including our awesome trip guide) that actually OPERATES the tour, I would never go on another one sponsored by the other group--because this idiot keeps emailing us all about what trip "we" should go on, next.

Now, I never have to deal with or interact with these people again--I owe them NOTHING--but I'm torn between letting them know what a turnoff she was and just letting it go. I get the impression there's a personal friendship between the PR person (boy, talk about the WRONG JOB for someone) and the woman who runs this small tour company. IOW, I don't want to put someone I don't even know in an awkward position.

So it's pretty easy for me to hand out advice about how OTHER people should handle their delicate conversations, and a lot harder to take my own advice. I should probably let her know--if it were my company I'd want to know--but when I think about it, my stomach hurts, lol.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:55 PM
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Gleefan-I totally understand what you're saying! It was extremely uncomfortable to stand up for myself-extremely. Coming out of codependence means you must stand up for yourself and your values and you know, somewhat turn into a mature healthy adult with boundaries and such-and let others fight their own battles. However, it does not mean we are doormats and don't speak truth. You did the right thing-the other lady, eh? The toxic cycle will continue.
Peace to you
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:56 PM
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I agree with everyone else, that you are perfectly "in the right" with what you did. Also, the even healthier "cherry on top" is that you didn't try to recruit people to "your side." I love it! I always say that in any situation, you can always get people to agree with you, and another large group to disagree with you (often for completely irrational reasons) over any situation. I think the challenge for us codependents, is to start feeling confident in our choices and equal to others.
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