firebolt

I've codie slipped this week, and done a couple things for people that I did not want to do. I recognized them as my issue in saying yes when I wanted to say no - rather than blaming them for putting me in an uncomfortable spot. That last part is new - and GREAT!

I am sticking to no contact with XABF - that's great too. It is easy for the most part, and I'm filling the voids with family and friends. There are moments of sadness, and wanting to reach out, but I'm ok with the moments, reach out to others instead, and understand it will pass.

I'm laying off the self blame, and congratulating myself and taking care of myself.

Feeling much healthier all the way around, and the changes in me are becoming obvious and materializing in my actions - more natural than forced. I need to hash some things out and maybe lay some boundaries with my mother at some point, I'll get there. I shocked myself with XABF - it showed me that I AM capable, but need the right time to talk to her.

I am having troubles with fundamental right and wrong though - to me. I argue myself on what I want, what is acceptable, what position I take on issues, and what I need. I am a constant devils advocate to myself - trying to see all sides of everything. Grabbing a hold of my gut instinct is proving impossible, because even if I recognize it, what if my gut is wrong? In business, with family, with friends, and with men I meet - across the board.

I don't know how to make this part easier. Maybe i'm expecting too much too soon, but i feel like a child figuring out how to deal with life, because I did it the wrong way the first time. My complete feeling of being 'lost' at least partially went away with XABF. Process of elimination there, and that one was an obvious wrong path. My job is probably the next area that I need to cut the fat in.

I want to feel like I'm not just going through the motions, but being decisive, taking stands, and making assertive actions in the direction I want my life to go. But I don't know where to start or even get confident with how I feel about anything I deem a gray area - which today, is EVERYTHING. Life is crazy and it's like I'm a cork floating in the ocean and nothing is really my decision and even when it is, it doesn't mater all that much, so I can't even form clear decisions.

I know I am semi asking semi strangers "Who the F am I now?!"

Does this have to do with grief over the X, me getting healthier, midlife crisis, early menopause, semi early recovery or what? Can anyone relate?

LadyinBC

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You have made a lot of progress. I think a lot of what you are feeling is normal and part of the process.

dandylion

firebolt......can you give any examples?

If you are the type that goes around being mother bird to everyone....one rule that helped me....was....don't do anything that a mother would normally do with her dependent children.
Also, don't comment or try to direct or give suggestions when they aren't asked for.
Another general rule is...to take care of y our own needs/responsibilities, first. Then "give" to others only if y ou have energy/resourses left over.
Also, don't do things just to make people "like" you,
Don't rescue people if it is something that they can/should be doing for themselves.
These are general statements....in reality...every situation is scenario dependent.

These are just some things that have helped me....I don't know what type of co-dependent you are......

My own definition of co-dependency is having more of a relationship with others than your own self.......

dandylion

LexieCat

I don't think anyone who is a thoughtful, reflective person is confident about making the right decision all the time. And here's the deal, it's OK to be unsure or to decide on later reflection maybe you should have done something differently. It kind of sounds to me like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and judging yourself. (I do that a little too much, myself.)

Some decisions are a bigger deal than others. With a lot of things, it just doesn't matter all that much. If you occasionally do something for the sake of expediency that doesn't make you a doormat. If you occasionally don't do something because dang it, you just don't FEEL like it, that doesn't make you selfish. If you eventually get to the point where you're satisfied with your motives for most of the things you do, you'll be way ahead of a lot of people.

Easy does it (to coin a phrase).

TakingCharge999

Hi firebolt!

I feel EXACTLY the same way. EXACTLY

I feel you are asking the correct questions, about who you are, what you prefer, where you are going... I've been told its part of the quarter life crisis (30s according to some?) and/or part of recovering from a harsh situation/separation.

All those are excellent questions and the business of your life will be of clarifying them along the path...

It is OK not to know everything today lol

Life will keep unfolding and shedding light on questions and providing answers and insights... I feel it is a great moment in life that we have the chance to start anew.

Uplifting

I can completely relate and feel like for me being "lost" in myself and my direction now with more uncertainty is better than the direction I was going in previously when I thought I had more control and didn't feel "lost." hope that makes sense and I can deft relate!

TakingCharge999

I also feel I have done life wrong and am just starting out and understanding how it should have been all this time (peaceful and with self love, self respect, love and respect from others. And nothing less than that)... so in part I'm sad/angry/resentful but on the other hand I feel confident and loved by life, because it put me on this path, I'm still alive and with chances in the future to be my authentic self and be with others who resonate with me.

If you see life philosophically, it is a great adventure, and also very short, so it is like we are given a gift for renewal that many other people don't get because they get stuck in fear.

Sometimes just starting to be grateful for what we do have is the most healing activity...

firebolt

My code symptoms are:
Perfectionist
Judger
Angry and passive aggressive
Crazy expectations
Controlling
I definately comment and give un asked for suggestion

Examples lately :

Not sure whether to keep a friend whose situation causes me discomfort probably because I have failed at laying boundaries.

Setting boundaries with my mother. It is hard to tell what is controlling and what is just talking to somebody and letting them know what they're doing is not OK.

Haha then even feeling this way feels super judgy to me.

I stress myself out over it and then feel handicapped at life. I need to relax enough so that my own decisions feel normal and ok.

LexieCat

As to the friend, is the decision whether to keep her as a friend one that you need to make right now? If it's merely uncomfortable because of lack of boundaries and you WANT to stay friends, then I'd give it some time to work it out. You probably need to lay out what the problem is and see if it's something that can be fixed.

As for your mom, I think it's always OK to say how something makes you feel. She might change, she might not, or she might at least try. Depending on what it is--how big a problem it is--it's also OK to put up with it even when you don't like it. I think if we only have relationships with people who are never annoying or upsetting we can wind up with a very small circle of people in our world.

Mango blast

What are you doing Friday or Saturday?

"Keep coming back." are the words leading me to sanity. Easy does it.

A few weeks ago I felt absolutely insane, even as I looked okay to those around me. I realized it was due to perfectionism and completely unrealistic expectations of myself.

I'm not meant to be perfect. My recovery program isn't meant to be, either. Yet I'm very good about forgetting this!

Have you done something today for fun or nurturing yourself?

firebolt

"I think if we only have relationships with people who are never annoying or upsetting we can wind up with a very small circle of people in our world."

I totally agree and God knows my friends and family deal with me. It's hard for me to see the toxic line.

KTF. Friday at lunch I'm going to hit a meeting

Thanks guys I don't know why some dilemmas seem paralyzing right now. Like I don't know what I think the right thing is.

schnappi99

I go to Bill W and Dr Bob for this probably a few times/week. Emotional maturity and humility means if I am disturbed over something then its a sign I'm holding onto something. Might not be clear at the time, might not be possible to let go of it yet. But just knowing I can accept the fact I'm feeling the burn and live with it, sometimes on a minute by minute basis, makes things easier.

The quiet space that developed in my head was a bit unsettling for a while.. I kept waiting for the next wave of resentment and anger to inflame everything again. Rule #1 now is to work my program and higher power work as best as I can because its a daily reprieve for me.

FireSprite

I think you're just hitting one of those points in recovery, a bobble point I call them, lol. Because I feel like one of those ridiculous bobble head figures at those times - too many heavy thoughts blowing up my brain making it feel so disconnected from the rest of my body/gut.

A big thing that helped me was really accepting, out loud, that I WOULD make mistakes. Not that I *could*, not that the fear/potential existed.... but that I WOULD and I HAD & I might not even always know about it when I did. So there. {blows raspberries} It helped me to get over being human, lol. Helped with perfectionism for sure. I WILL MAKE A MISTAKE. I WILL MAKE MANY MISTAKES.

I mean it when I say I walked around & talked this out to myself while I did something mundane like cleaning my bathroom. These are like active meditative states for me - my subconscious mind is busy with something rote & I let my mental gears spit out whatever, unfiltered, total stream of consciousness, mind-junk-dump. I learn A LOT about what I REALLY think like that!

I sometimes stop dead in my tracks - THAT was plain judgment! or whatever I recognize in my thoughts. It's like I'm hearing my inner self talk & my recovered, more active self can hear & interpret. IDK. It helps me even if it sounds cray-cray!

LifeRecovery

Firebolt-

I have many of the experience you describe in your initial post.

For me the queries you are asking IS RECOVERY, not a sign that you are not doing recovery correctly somehow.

I loved your analogy to the "grey." Why because prior to recovery all I could see was the world in black and white. The "grey" was uncomfortable (and still can be), but it is actually a way more realistic view of the world......just one that I did not have the "lenses" to see previously.

Judgement has been a tricky one for me that I have struggled with off an on the last six months. There is a fine line between self-care and judging for me. I had no idea of this line previously, and struggled so much with self-care for so long that just DOING self-care felt judgemental.

Finally I struggled with the jump from Awareness of my behavior to wanting to be "perfect" about my recovery. I am aware of a poor behavior and I magically expect that I will then fix it (though it may have been there for 35 years and I formed the behavior to protect something very precious years and years ago).

I read your post as recovery and the tangents and journeys we take when we dig deep. Are you in a place you can sit with that right now?

P.S. It is times like these that my support system is so important. They help me to see that I can't always see the trees because of the forest, but that does not mean I am not in my recovery.

Wisconsin

I'm on the same page as FireSprite (and I'm in much the same place as you, fb). Right in the middle of a bit morass of inner conflict about who I want to BE, and the choices I want to make, etc. And it just seems like the only way through is to try to take one step at a time.

I agree about letting the issue with the friend sit for awhile, unless there is a pressing need to decide how to proceed. As for your mom, I firmly believe that mother-daughter relationships are some of the most difficult to navigate once everyone is an adult, if there is a decent amount of dysfunction in the relationship. I had many of the same struggles with my mother, before she died in 2012. It was *very* difficult for me to find the right balance between just putting my boundaries in place and enforcing them silently, and calling her out on stuff that really upset me. I wish I'd had more time to work that all out, but I also feel like we were in a pretty good place when she passed.

When I divorced my first husband, I spent two years in therapy. That went a long way toward helping me know who I was and who I wanted to be. I had to learn how to identify when a decision brought me peace and comfort and happiness in a real way, versus in a way that just meant I was avoiding a larger conflict or decision.

((HUGS)) to you, dear friend!

firebolt

Thanks everybody! You always help me feel more normal, and that I am in fact doing some of the right things.

Yeah - all this! I am in a place where I can sit with it a while - I forget I have that choice somehow?!

Dang - this is really what I need to learn.

I think im trying so hard and burying myself in books and podcasts and SR and just blowing my own mind. Learning so much about myself, and fighting the shame it took and is taking me so long. Thank you for the support, and reminding me i don't need to be all better tomorrow. It's way to easy for me to take some things as a failure when it's really progress, even if slow.

DoubleDragons

I can't thank you enough for this thread and for putting exactly how I have been feeling into words, Firebolt. It is so weird to be middle aged (which does get me going into questioning my hormones, etc.) and feel like I am just now learning how to live life healthfully. And sometimes I question if I did a better job when "ignorance was bliss."

I am seeing my codependent habits a lot with my kids lately and what I have been doing is slowing down my reaction. I have allowed situations to "just happen" instead of trying to control them moment to moment and then given myself some time to digest how I really feel about the situation before I address it with my teenage children. This is much harder for me to do then I ever realized. It also shocks me how much I care about my kids' judgment of me. My one son criticized my husband and I for being "too friendly" with his friends and teammates. I let this eat at me, got defensive with him, and a little indignant and resentful. My healthy husband let it roll off of his shoulders. He laughed and said, "I am a friendly guy. Too bad if he doesn't like that."

Like you, the good of it all is that I am at least starting to recognize healthy and unhealthy behaviors in myself and in others.

Mango blast

Hugs, my friend. (((firebolt)))
You are a beautiful person and I'm so glad to know you. Thank you. I'm very grateful for the support you've given me here at SR. Wish I was better at articulating that.

May you enjoy some joy this weekend.

As loosely defined by Google as:
-- take great delight in, or possess and benefit from, a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

I chose my first avatar here last night... Today I choose joy.

firebolt

(((KTF))) I'm very glad to know you too. Thanks for the gentle nudge that got me to a meeting last week. Your very definition of joy came from it and lasted through the weekend

ShootingStar1

This sounds like RECOVERY to me.

After we have lost ourselves in a dysfunctional relationship, especially when we have come to believe that our partners are the center of life, and their decisions are edicts, then it takes a while to emerge again as independent thinkers.

You are flexing your independent thinking muscles, and that is fabulous!

ShootingStar1