Back to SR...
 

Hi friends,

I am back to SR. I have a story of codependency and of severe depression which has gone worse the last few years.

I arrived here back in 2008 when I left an alcoholic boyfriend and the awesome people here brought my soul back to life and offered me all the information and compassion that I needed at the time. Slowly I started to understand the situation.

Recently I had a similar experience, where my deeply ingrained codependency showed itself again and I suffered a great deal. I am still recovering from it and from the separation of the last person. The story was short and very messy, I still miss him but you know what I miss more... my sense of peace and calm, and of real trust towards another person. I don't think I have had that in my life yet. I also think if I go on dealing with people that are not really trustworthy, that I might miss a chance of real connection in this life, and that is something I would like to experience.

At least I didn't spend that much time with him waiting for him to change... and I did notice he drinks too much, even during the week, very quickly. He is starting his own brewery and is a "sommelier" and loves the social life but the times we went out we always ended up way too drunk, and even after going to restaurants he wanted to buy more beer and go on at home. I do not know if that is an alcoholic but I suspect any substance abuse is really a symptom of a deeper problem that the person doesn't want to face.

He was supposedly "nice" and supported me on my many creative projects, but then he complained that "I didn't have time". When talking about human rights, a topic I feel passionate about, he tended to be dismissive and say that "at least I defended my point of view". If I sent him a funny image by mobile, he got angry asking why I was sending him "just images" and not actually having a conversation... oh, it was a lot of drama. If I forgot a detail of his life it was also the end of the world, and I remember the feeling of walking on eggshells very well.

Actually I feel that same tension happened with my parents, even if he was not alcoholic, it was like my dad always had to be happy and if not, my mom and I had failed. I also feel there is this sense of "how great they are" or "how great they show others to be" but then you see the actions and behaviors, or how they talk about others behind their backs, and you notice (or at least I noticed) that this last guy is not such a good person after all.

I am very grateful for the great people here in SR, I remember lots of you! I came back to try to process my own feelings given this last deception, and to try to share some of my "wisdom" lol.

It is true codependency is just like alcoholism in that you can be "fine" several years and then go back to square one as if you hadn't learned anything. However I am trying to see that all I am is human, that I make mistakes and that feeling compassion and love towards the self is the worthy task that I need to exercise in my life, and it comes first regardless of what others think or of what goes on outside. It seems far away, the moment where I will let go completely of this person but at the same time I feel stronger and with more resolve as I feel that my own peace of mind matters too.

:grouphug:

Welcome back, TC. Sorry to hear about the interlude, but hey, you're still kickin'!

LexieCat... how are you doing? :)

Yes, I am still here... :) I became a photographer while you were not looking and I am also painting a lot these days, :) ! I am glad because this last guy tried to separate me from my creative side and he was not successful!

This is my first painting and I even showed it in a gallery in Washington D.C. :) ! well in the image it's not finished yet... :)

TakingCharge.....there is a book..."The Saber-Toothed Tiger"...which addresses this very question, that you asked.
The therapist that wrote the book maintains that it doesn't matter how l ong one waits between relationships....or, even, necessarily, how well they function outside of their intimate relationships.....the same issues will bubble to the surface one one enters an intimate relationship......
I think you might enjoy the book (very easy to read).....as I think y ou might find that it would resonate, in many ways, with you.

dandylion

I agree with dandy. I believe that just like an alcoholic has to be active in his lifelong recovery to stay on top of his addiction, we have to be active in our own lifelong recovery against codependency. It gets ingrained in us and we must be vigilant against it.

Thank you for the recommendation, dandylion... I remember you :)

I will check that book out, indeed if one hasn't made efforts to heal, the same lessons will come back again and again... I feel that is also a reason why I am easier with myself, I see all the pain I have gone through and caused myself with my behaviors, and can see very clearly it all comes from deep wounds I have carried and still carry.

Although I have had healthier relationships in between these two... but I wouldn't call them "love" either... more like comfort...

You are right Thomas! Anyone who knows the pain of codependency has my empathy. It is truly horrible.

Cool painting!

Glad you're nurturing your artistic side.

TakingCharge.....have you ever checked out Co-dependence Anonomyous?

Who to better understand what you m ight be going through......lol.....

dandylion

***I love the painting!

I just bought the book, thank you dandylion. Sometimes truths hurt a lot but what hurts more is to keep behaving the same ways and never knowing anything different or new.

It is tough to think of this last guy as abusive but even if "mildly" yes indeed there are signs....

I forgot to say he was also jealous and always mentioned that his friends liked me or my coworkers liked me or things like that, even when I never flirted.

It is true he seems to have learned that he has the right to control women.

Eye-opening.

That painting is fantastic!

Ahh thank you :) thanks all for liking my painting haha I am very glad when I paint, its like a meditation....
I urge anyone with creative talents or interests to try it more, it definitely is therapeutic....

Ahh, of course I made my best to go No Contact

And someone today mentioned the guy and how he was going out with this girl but had some issues

So I was devastated because now I know he is going out with someone else or others.

I know he is not a good person and everything yet sure, this hurts.

I do not know if to laugh or cry.
I feel very lonely at this time.

Also I need to say I have been with other people as well, so I am not sure why I feel "offended".
I guess I still care a great deal about this person.

So I at least hope this pain gives me resolve not to ever deal with this dynamic ever again. I really can't go on like this....
I hope I arrive to acceptance of the past and the present, yet still it seems very far away.

I guess what hurts is to think that one is so easily forgettable or irrelevant to another.