losinghope

This is a long and complicated story and i would appreciate any help or information you may have!

I been dating this guy on and off for 2 years hes 30 and im 21. When we first met 2 years ago he was a alcoholic. He was always asking me for money and it seemed like r relationship was only about sex. So i got pregnant had a lil girl with him and because of his actions and ways i told him to stay out of our life till he got his life back together. So i guess one night he got totally wasted and broke in2 a near my store. He didnt steal anything nor did i think he was planning on it. but the cops got 2 him b4 anythin else could go wrong. So he went 2 jail for 2 weeks and he had the choice 2 do 2 years jail or go 2 rehab. He picked rehab cuz he wanted 2 be apart of his daughters life and be there when she was born.So after he accomplished all of this i decided 2 give him another shot. So we got back together 2 months b4 my due date and stayed together 3 months after. He was kind sweet caring loving and was a good father. We got engaged then realized that it wasnt workin...2 days after we broke up i caught him in bed with someone else. It didnt work out between them so 3 months later me and David decided 2 get back together. We were alot better this time....or so i thought didnt fight got along did everything together....we were like "the perfect family" then back in may of 04 we decided 2 take a BREAK just a BREAK! we both agreed that we wouldnt see anyone else just figure out what we both wanted....so then a few weeks later i found out he was with someone else. Of course that broke my heart but i tried 2 move on.....and just now (sept) he told me he screwed up! I didnt know what he meant by it so i was beggin for him 2 tell me but he wouldnt talk....he was ashamed-but finally told me he starting drinking again and that its been goin on for a lil over 2 months! Of course i felt bad and thought it was my fault (still do) because maybe i didnt tell him i love him enough or cared or gave him everything! And im mad at the girl hes dating for drinkin infront of him and giving it 2 him and letting him drink! i mean DAVID is a grown man and can make choices of his own....but if your with someone and you know that there a recovering alcoholic why would u offer it 2 him....let alone drink infront of him?? IM JUST SO MAD AND ANGRY AND WANNA SCREAM N CRY! cuz i love him with all my heart and i would do anything for him.....yet im sick of the way he treats me the way he talks 2 me and the way he acts......but how can i turn my back on someone i love so much??? if anyone took the time out 2 read this....please give me some advice!!! thank you so much

<3 megan

losinghope

This is a long and complicated story and i would appreciate any help or information you may have!

I been dating this guy on and off for 2 years hes 30 and im 21. When we first met 2 years ago he was a alcoholic. He was always asking me for money and it seemed like r relationship was only about sex. So i got pregnant had a lil girl with him and because of his actions and ways i told him to stay out of our life till he got his life back together. So i guess one night he got totally wasted and broke in2 a near my store. He didnt steal anything nor did i think he was planning on it. but the cops got 2 him b4 anythin else could go wrong. So he went 2 jail for 2 weeks and he had the choice 2 do 2 years jail or go 2 rehab. He picked rehab cuz he wanted 2 be apart of his daughters life and be there when she was born.So after he accomplished all of this i decided 2 give him another shot. So we got back together 2 months b4 my due date and stayed together 3 months after. He was kind sweet caring loving and was a good father. We got engaged then realized that it wasnt workin...2 days after we broke up i caught him in bed with someone else. It didnt work out between them so 3 months later me and David decided 2 get back together. We were alot better this time....or so i thought didnt fight got along did everything together....we were like "the perfect family" then back in may of 04 we decided 2 take a BREAK just a BREAK! we both agreed that we wouldnt see anyone else just figure out what we both wanted....so then a few weeks later i found out he was with someone else. Of course that broke my heart but i tried 2 move on.....and just now (sept) he told me he screwed up! I didnt know what he meant by it so i was beggin for him 2 tell me but he wouldnt talk....he was ashamed-but finally told me he starting drinking again and that its been goin on for a lil over 2 months! Of course i felt bad and thought it was my fault (still do) because maybe i didnt tell him i love him enough or cared or gave him everything! And im mad at the girl hes dating for drinkin infront of him and giving it 2 him and letting him drink! i mean DAVID is a grown man and can make choices of his own....but if your with someone and you know that there a recovering alcoholic why would u offer it 2 him....let alone drink infront of him?? IM JUST SO MAD AND ANGRY AND WANNA SCREAM N CRY! cuz i love him with all my heart and i would do anything for him.....yet im sick of the way he treats me the way he talks 2 me and the way he acts......but how can i turn my back on someone i love so much??? if anyone took the time out 2 read this....please give me some advice!!! thank you so much

<3 megan [/QUOTE]

Magichappens

Hey megan,
Welcome to SR. One of the first things I learned was that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. No one can make someone drink or not drink. That is their decision, right or wrong. You can't, the guy who drank in front of him didn't.

There are a lot of people here that are going through similar situations. I know how painful, frustrating, and scary it is to watch a loved one being destroyed by alcoholism. But until they decide they want help, there is nothing anyone can do. But you can help you. There is support, here and in the Al-Anon program, that can help us to deal with alcoholism in a healthier and more serene way. It is painful enough to watch a loved one, but it does no good for us to keep being sucked down with them. I have learned that taking care of myself is the only thing I can do.

Stick around. You will find a lot of caring people here. Feel free to post, reply, or just browse. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. Much good information there. I know you are hurting, but know that you aren't alone, and that if you reach out for help, you will get better. To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Take care of you, and come back. Hugs, Magic

givingup

losinghope - you have come to the right place to find hope. Hope for a bright future for yourself and your baby. Things always work out for the best, whether it seems that way or not at the time. While I hate it that my husband drinks, I am so thankful for the blessings of personal growth and for my friends at Al-anon and SR. You are one of us now. Take heart. Live strong.

TinyVoice

Do you love yourself and would you do anything for YOU? In order to love someone else truly and deeply you must also feel exactly the same toward yourself. In order to be a good parent, you must take care of YOU first. Love yourself and take care and be very very good to yourself first. Then you have even MORE love to give others.

You can love someone that isn't necessarily good for your life at the moment. Listen to your inner voice, your gut instinct and look at all the red flags. I believe in being hopeful but you have to be realistic also.

I am working very hard on loving myself. And it's work for me!!

hugs

losinghope

Well i talked to him lastnight and he keeps telling me how his drinking isnt a big deal! So i guess hes not ready to admit it yet or it really isnt a big deal? Maybe im makin something out of nothing?? I still kind of think its a big deal, and i think that hes hurting inside and thats why he does the things he does! But i read everyone's post and i think from now on im just going to back off....im not going to call him anymore and when he calls me im just going to hang up. Im going to start going to alanon meetings and stuff to figure out how i can help or if i can help? But thankx everyone for your advice


<3 megan

Petunia

Megan,

Every journey starts with the decision to take the first step, but really it starts with taking the step. I had an active AB for 2 years who promised to stop drinking the whole time. It wasn't until I looked at my life and saw the immense amount of anxiety that I was carrying every day. Anxiety that wasn't caused by any decision other than to date him and keep him in my life - that's when I decided to get my life together.

The only thing I can tell you is that it does get better - it did for me once I started to get myself healthier. Every day I have to choose to continue to put me first. I don't have any children, but I know enough about being the child of a non-drinking alcoholic and CoDe mother, that I wouldn't want to pass to my children any of habits I had when I was not in recovery.

I needed recovery as much as the ex-AB did. Difference is I worked for it and he didn't, now my life is a 1,000,000 times better than it was a few years ago and I don't have to spend even a minute worrying about what he's done with his. My life is too precious to me to let it go to sh$%. I hope you will feel the same about your's.

Peace,
Petunia

losinghope

well im going to my first Al-anon meeting tomorrow at 11:00.....so wish me luck =) i hope it does me good because im ready to lose it! thankx everyone for the support!!!!

<3 megan

Magichappens

Good luck! You are taking care of you. Hugs, Magic

myles1

You said it "David is a grown man and can make choices of his own"

And so can you, you can choose to take care of you and not be part of his yo yo game.

Ngaire

losinghope

Well i just got back from the meeting and it was ok....they had a lead person though so it was pretty much just her tellin us about her life and stuff! I just wanted to bust open in tears though because the only thing on my mind was david.....hopefully this will help me! thankx guys love ya

<3 megan

jojo

Megan -

Often Alanon is not what you expect it to be right away. You go there wanting to lay out your pain and grief and have people have answers for you, to tell you that if you do this and that then everything will be OK. As you found out, that isn't the way it works - at least in my experience. I found that I had better luck after going to a few meetings and listening to the people who seemed to have the most experience and then asking to talk to one of them after the meeting ended. Hang in there. Go back and listen. You will feel more comfortable and will find someone that you want to talk to. Take care.

Hugs, Jo

louisedx

Megan,
I can totally relate to what you are going through only I have been dealing with it for 7 years. I kept hoping and trying to control the rehabilitation I felt my ex- finance needed. I just kept feeding into his lies and promise to go to rehab only to get money and access to me to keep using. I guess what I am saying I became a stronger enable over time thinking I should contorl and concentrate over the addict and now I have lurded my daughter into this stinking thinking. She hates this man and the stuff he has put us through. I have cut the communication, oh it hurts, and I long for him thinking no only will ever love me like he did. But was it love.
Anyway, I have gone to Al-anon meeting for about 2 years now, off and on. He even went with me one time high as a scunck. Embarrassed I vowed not for him to return. I realize now, that I am more important than his recovery. I need to get a handle on my life again after giving up my power to the man I thought was in love in me. Now I am recovering my self-esteem learning to be independent all over again. Dont' want to be a victim anymore. I hope you will do the same for yourself this early in the game. You will feel like years have been wasted when the addicted person keeps staying addicted after all your tries.
Best of luck to you, keep coming back it works if you work it. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't feel so alone.
Lady Louise

losinghope

hey thankx alot...i really enjoyed reading your post.....u put this in ur post--->((I have cut the communication, oh it hurts, and I long for him thinking no only will ever love me like he did)) and thats exactly how i feel!! i mean i do love him with all my heart and wanna be with him more then anything....and everyone keeps tellin me 2 move on and go out and meet people and i just dont want 2....i guess im kinda afraid because i feel like no matter what guy comes in2 my life he wont COMPARE 2 david.....i believe that david does love me and cares about his daughter more then anything....but he just loves alcohol ALOT MORE! and im not tryin 2 make excuses for him cuz there just isnt an excuse for all pain and hurt he put me through! but i never in my life have been more serious about Al-anon and talking to other people about my problems.....im usually a very private person but because i love david so much no matter what happens between me and him, hes still my daughters father and i still have feelings for him so i wanna try and be there and be a friend....and try 2 understand what hes going through and 2 not make it worse!! Does any of this make sense to anyone??? well anyhow thankz again for everything and i plan on going to another Al-anon meeting on wednesday! i dont wanna give up!! i have hope!

<3 love ya guys
megan

Magichappens

megan,
I try not to think of it as trying to stop loving someone else. I try to think of it as I need to be in that list of people I love, and I haven't been. Take the time to start loving you. Hugs, Magic

losinghope

Hey! i need some advice again about David! Hes supposed 2 be calling me this week to see how our daughter is doing and i really dont wanna talk 2 him, and i have it all planned out what im goin 2 say.....((DAVID)) - "Is megan there"? ((ME)) "This is her, whos this" ((David))- "Its me David" ((ME)) "Oh im sorry you must have the wrong number,cuz the only David i know is Toris father and he disappeared 2 months ago, but if u see or talk 2 him tell him we miss him and were prayin for him". then im gonna hang up! But at my first Alanon meeting they gave me pamplets on what Alanon is about and how to deal with an alcoholic and what alcoholism is and stuff! And in one of the papers it said dont do anthin to like make them made or treat them like a little kid or anything or 2 set the alcoholic drinking again! So i dont know if i should say that to him or what to say.....cuz i know if i talk 2 him nice then im just gonna get the feelings back for him that im tryin 2 lose now and i know if im nice hes gonna be nice and tell me all kinds of stuff and i dont wanna go down that route! But yet i dont wanna do anythin 2 make him mad and drink more or whatever......i know this is STUPID 2 be writing about and im sure people r sick of hearing about my crap but my friends ARE too and they give me crappy advice anyhow....cuz they dont know what im dealin with or anythin....so thats why im askin you guys for advice! Anyhow if anyone reads this please help!

thankx
<3 megan

Gwenyth

It's definitely NOT stupid and we're NOT tired of hearing from you - most of us read our story in what you write and on some level we can relate. I love your planned out conversation! Very clever. I just started getting in to alanon and really working the steps, so you probably want advice from someone with more experience. But, for what it's worth.... take the emotion out of what you want to say to him. It sounds like you are angry (and rightfully so!) and are acting on that anger. That's not good for you or for David. I'm reading the Alanon's 12 steps and traditions that I picked up at a meeting yesterday. The second steps says we act irrational and we shouldn't - we should give it over to our higher power and let him handle it. I don't suggest having a long emotional conversation with David, especially since you are working so hard to detach yourself, but don't act out of anger. You are better than that.

It's not a fun situation to be in, so hang in there.

losinghope

So you think its a good thing 2 say.....just tell him that and hang up or should i listen 2 what he has 2 say and just kinda play it kool....i know how i am and im a little PUSHY when it comes 2 david....hes with another girl and hes drinkin again and im just sooo afraid im gonna say the wrong thing 2 make him drink more or 2 make him hate me and not wanna try and work things out! im such a confuzed person my head is like spinngin....lol i wanna work things out with david but i also wanna play it cool and back away for awhile....only be there when hes ready 2 to or if he needs someone.....lol so i dont know how 2 talk 2 him when he calls????

<3 megan THANKX ALWAYS GUYS!!!!!!!!!

Gwenyth

Sorry, I wasn't clear - I think what you planned to say is very clever, but I don't think it would be very effective for creating dialogue between you and David. In other words, take the emotion out of what you want to say - figure out what you want to say (for example, your daughter is doing fine, etc) and just say it without getting angry. The art of detachment - you love him, but you are not going to put up with his drinking or whatever conduct of his you have decided not to tolerate. Think of you and your daughter first. I wish I could give you better advice - I know you must be in a difficult situation. The best I can say is think about what you want to say, listen to David - if he is sober and you want to hear what he has to say - and don't react. And, yes, all of that is much easier said than done.

losinghope

No its not that you werent clear....its just that im an AIRHEAD and didnt understand! lol thats actually what i thought u meant but wasnt sure! Thanks for puttin up with ME =)~ i know sometimes i can be a real pain in the neck....and this is my 4th day on this website and i must say that the people and there advice have helped me out ALOT! i love this place....although i have been 2 only ONE al-anon meeting i think it helped me...i plan on goin 2 more and keep goin till i understand everything a lil better......but i do appreciate all the help you and everyone eles has given me!!!! =) thanks a bunch
<3 megan